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Growing older as gay men....

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Oct 10, 2010 10:50 AM GMT

Funny how we go thru changes as we all get older. I find myself in a stage where 20 years ago I never thought I'd be in. I've always been a monogamous type but these days I really don't care about going to bars or clubs.

I would rather stay home, spend time with my family & friends, & work on fixing up my house.

I'd like to workout more and concentrate on the more important things in life.

I've also noticed my vision being slightly off. I have to use reading glasses some of the time when reading small print, i notice working out & losing weight isn't as easy as it used to be either.

I was wondering what changes have some of you gone thru as you've gotten older that you never expected.

Also from guys older than me...what do you think are some of the changes to expect later on? I guess getting old sucks but I plan on facing it and enjoying it every step of the way even though most people tell me I dont look or act my age.

What changes do we have to look forward to as gay men as we age gracefully? I know if I could look as good as half the men on here in their 50's when I reach that age that would be great!

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Oct 10, 2010 1:36 PM GMT

redbull said

I was wondering what changes have some of you gone thru as you've gotten older that you never expected.

ANYTHING you used to do at 20/30 is 20/30 times harder now!

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Oct 10, 2010 1:45 PM GMT

These are strictly personal observations. Please take them as you will.

As I have gotten older, I have become far more comfortable with myself. I will never adopt children and I am the last male of my family line. I have made my peace with that. I enjoy working out but worry about losing muscle due to the advancing years. I try to make every minute count because life is very short indeed. My mortality is ever most on my mind.

In my forties which I am enjoying very much, my creativity has exploded. I finished a first novel and sent it off to DAW Books. I started a second novel and also started writing short stories. I'm more comfortable writing comedy because I find much of modern life absurd. I particularly find religion absurd.

I look at my body and see that is has some scratches and dings and am cool with that. I worry about sickness. I worry about being alone but value my solitude. I have gray in my hair and have yet to make peace with that. Where have the years gone?

I would like to play with somebody half my age but know there is a generation gap. Minor example: They like Lady Gaga. I like the Eagles because I grew up listening to them. If I can find an attractive and creative man close to my age, that would be wonderful too.

I guess it comes down to this. As I get older, I'm trying to find grace and humor with veins of passion and joy in the allotted span that is my life.

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Oct 10, 2010 1:52 PM GMT

To some anything over 30 is a death sentence in gay yrs.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:06 PM GMT

Firstly, 40 isn´t old.
Of course, as we grow older -in years, at least- we tend to change our priorities gradually. And there´s nothing wrong in NOT doing something you DON´T really feel like doing.

I still enjoy going out and have a drink in a bar, but not at 3 am, for example -destroys the next day completely if I did.

And... we have a lot to offer too. It´s just a matter of keeping a bit fit and open-minded. I get quite a few younger ones interested in having sex with me. Actually, mostly it´s me who choses.
So it´s not all bad. And I don´t accept being dead if you´re over 30.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:17 PM GMT

it is kind of strange how differently gay men and straight men tend to view aging. in the straight world there is this concept of men getting more virile, powerful and dignified as they grow older - frankly, a double standard when compared to how an aging woman is viewed. but so many gay men tend to relate to that archetypical view of WOMEN aging, aka peaking in their late 20's or early 30's and then going downhill after that.

personally, i am happier with my looks and life now than i ever was in my teens or 20's or even early 30's. and i think many men get exponentially hotter as they grow older. LOVE having a smoking hot silver fox as a bf!!

baldone

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Oct 10, 2010 2:21 PM GMT

as i am approaching the age of 60, and not having come out till 56,feeling cheated,feeling like for the most part life is just a waiting game at this point..have gotten severely out of shape, and have no motivation to do anything about it....slowly realizing that the chance of a bf or ltr are slim to none
usually just stay in maybe get out to a movie sometimes, but hate doing that alone
people talk about the golden years....gee, can't wait

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Oct 10, 2010 2:22 PM GMT

As I went into my early 40s, just becoming an Army Colonel, I thought I was beating the age game, still strong, healthy & active, thanks to my military lifestyle. Then one day that illusion came crashing down.

I'd towed my camper trailer to Greers Ferry Lake in Arkansas, and one day drove into Heber Springs (pronounced hee-ber) for some groceries. I went inside the store, and suddenly realized I couldn't focus on the product signs over the aisles, to find what I wanted. I could still read the product labels up close perfectly well.

When I went outside and got into my truck I couldn't read the street signs, either. I was really getting concerned, having trouble driving, something that had never happened to me before. Back at my campsite my vision gradually improved, but I decided to see a military optometrist ASAP when I got back.

And the eye doctor told me I needed reading glasses! I replied that was impossible, I could read up close just fine, the problem was with my distant vision. He gave me a quick lesson on how the eye focuses, how the lens hardens with age. My eyes were getting "stuck" on close-focus, and when I had read a label in that rather dimly-lit grocery store my eyes couldn't refocus for distant vision. I'd never heard of this before and was rather dubious

He promised me that bifocals would solve my problem, which were made for me. And he was right. Getting them at 43 was incredibly depressing to me, a harsh reminder that I wasn't beating the odds, merely aging just like everyone else. And now my eye doctor tells me I'm developing cataracts, too.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:36 PM GMT

Today is my birthday so this is of particular concern to me.

I'm trying my best to exercise, eat right and be healthy so I coast into old age instead of crash and burn.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:42 PM GMT

Getting older started when the doc slapped my ass 53 years ago.

This is the best time in my life so far, 50's. For sure some things don't work like they use to, but those things that are working are working better then when I was in my 20's.

I've had bifocal contacts for 10 years and they are great. It's one of the best inventions for the human body......

I'd say for those younger men on RJ, search out the older guys and you'll see healthy sexy men. Many are in better shape then guys in their 20's and 30's.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:42 PM GMT

You know at age 47 I may not be as physically conditioned as when I was in my twenties, but I have excel in other areas such as having a greater sense of self, inner peace, confidence, and an overall level of maturity that in my twenties, no matter how much I worked hard to accomplish it could never realized.

While so many gay men my age are struggling to fight the challenges of getting older. I feel blessed in actually savoring and enjoying it then most. Now I can face and resolve challenges much clearer and easier to understand it and not necessarily overcome. I don't fight difficulties anymore like I used to two decades ago, I have reached a level of what I like to call "Active meditation"

Great post Redbull, as always!

Leandro ♥

CuriousJockAZ

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Oct 10, 2010 2:42 PM GMT

Getting older is not a bad thing. At least, in my experience, life has gotten better with each passing decade. Wouldn't want to go back to the angst, confusion, and struggles of my 20's for anything. The 30's are when you really start to come to terms with yourself and find your place in the world. You really hit your stride in your 40's, when so many things that were so seemingly important in our 20's & 30's, become so unimportant and silly as a mature man. Now in my 50's, I almost feel like I am on cruise control. Life has never been better, I have never felt better, and I think a lot of that comes from the life experience, knowledge, and understanding that only age can provide. Am I looking forward to my 60's, 70's, and beyond? Not particularly. Sounds so, well, OLD. But, then again, at 25, the 40's and 50's seemed daunting too, and they turned out to be some of the best years of my life, so I remain optimistic that life will continue to get better and infinitely more interesting.

That all said, it really all comes down to one's own attitude and lifestyle. If you start to get lazy and sit around feeling "old", you will be old, and getting older by the day. But if you remain active, stay fit, and take good care of yourself, then age can actually be an asset rather than a liability. At the end of the day, we all have one thing in common -- we ALL get older. No one is immune to this. Can't do a thing about it, so you may as well embrace it.

baldone

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Oct 10, 2010 2:45 PM GMT

someguy saidToday is my birthday so this is of particular concern to me.

I'm trying my best to exercise, eat right and be healthy so I coast into old age instead of crash and burn.

well happy birthday .....hope its a great day for you

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Oct 10, 2010 2:53 PM GMT

My advice: get in shape or stay in shape, have a lot of interests to keep yourself active and be interesting to others, read for the same reasons, if you don't have a sense of humor, try to get one somehow, and have friends of all different ages, say from 20 to 70 and stay in touch with them.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:55 PM GMT

baldone saidas i am approaching the age of 60, and not having come out till 56,feeling cheated,feeling like for the most part life is just a waiting game at this point..have gotten severely out of shape, and have no motivation to do anything about it....slowly realizing that the chance of a bf or ltr are slim to none
usually just stay in maybe get out to a movie sometimes, but hate doing that alone
people talk about the golden years....gee, can't wait

You can't imagine how much your post affected me, got me kinda choked up. Don't entirely know what to say in reply.

I felt cheated when I came out at 46, a full ten years younger than your experience. So I made a deliberate plan to live the next 10 years to the gay max, trying to make up for that lost time. I figured that I'd have until my mid-50s, based on family history, before age would fully catch up with me.

And that's exactly what happened. I had a riotously wild time, and now it's over, pretty much burnt out. Do you think you're already there? I hope not.

Because otherwise you should seize the day (Carpe Diem and all that good motto stuff), and have your last hurrah with a glorious gay flourish. Hell, just the other night we went to a silly 1970s party (I posted a ridiculous pic of it here), and I was dancing like a perfect fool, having a great time at 61. Just a pale shadow of what I could do only a few years ago, but I still try.

To use a naval term instead of army for once, I intend to go down with all flags flying. No reason you shouldn't when the time comes, either.

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Oct 10, 2010 2:59 PM GMT

baldone said
someguy saidToday is my birthday so this is of particular concern to me.

I'm trying my best to exercise, eat right and be healthy so I coast into old age instead of crash and burn.
well happy birthday .....hope its a great day for you

Thanks! I'm hoping to make Man of the Day but trying not to lobby or campaign for it.

baldone

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Oct 10, 2010 3:03 PM GMT

someguy said
baldone said
someguy saidToday is my birthday so this is of particular concern to me.

I'm trying my best to exercise, eat right and be healthy so I coast into old age instead of crash and burn.
well happy birthday .....hope its a great day for you

Thanks! I'm hoping to make Man of the Day but trying not to lobby or campaign for it.

well should be....VOTE MAN OF THE DAY FOR SOMEGUY!!!!

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Oct 10, 2010 3:05 PM GMT

There is good and bad with aging. The worst thing is having a bit less energy than when I was younger. If I don't get enough sleep I sure feel it the next day much more than back in my 20s. The best thing is a general sense of feeling more settlled and I find more and more as I get older that I don't care so much what others think of me and have more self confidence.

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Oct 10, 2010 3:10 PM GMT

wow - getting older has been the best thing ever for me. I look back at my 20's and 30's, as exciting as they were, and i realize how unsure of myself I was, and how surprizingly scared of taking chances i was. No more.

now that i've hit the big 50 - well past it now as 52 is just around the corner - i'm having more sex that i ever had, with more passion behind it. More adventure, even though i'll admit to mixing it with reason (mostly in the name of physical self-preservation).

Fitness wise i'm in a good a shape as i've ever been, with the only real issues being a bad knee, hip and shoulder that i injured in my teens and 20's that is coming back to haunt me. they will all have to be replaced/rebuilt at some time, but a good chiropractor and gooe exercise to build muscle around them seems to be holding off the inevitable quite well.

Emotionally i've finally found balance and peace, and maybe thats what keeps me young. i'll admit to spending a LOT of money on psychiatrists and counselors over the past 20 years to help me with my search, but its all been worth it.

all in all - i'm having a great time.

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Oct 10, 2010 3:12 PM GMT

someguy saidToday is my birthday so this is of particular concern to me.

I'm trying my best to exercise, eat right and be healthy so I coast into old age instead of crash and burn.

Happy Birthday man!

I was never remotely fit until my early 40's so I don't have a good sense of what I might have lost as far as abilities and ease of fitness. I like what I'm doing and would not trade this time for any other.
I am just 'out' about 6 months ago, but I do not feel that everything before that was somehow a lie or anything like that. I have always been attracted to some men, but never acted on it...in the same way I've been sexually attracted to some of my friends wives and never acted upon it. Now, I am free and enjoying it. I feel like I am exactly where and who I am supposed to be.

Eyes.
WTF. I have endured my whole life with contacts and glasses and now those same things that allow me to see far prevent me from seeing close. UGH!

Face.
"Time marches on and eventually you realize it's marching across your face."

Yup, how gay is that. A quote from Steel Magnolias.
But so true,

Someone pass me the Ensure.

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Oct 10, 2010 3:14 PM GMT

I'm now in my fifties and life is great. i have been very happily married to my perfect life partner (a woman who knows and is accepting of my sexuality) for 25 years, i have two beautiful daughters, i am fortunate to be in good health and great shape, i have good friends, i have an active set of sports and other activities to keep me busy, and my "job" is challenging and interesting. from a m2m standpoint, i find it easier to meet guys today then i did when i was in my 20's. i think i am just more relaxed and also more confident about who i am, and maybe that's reflected. i certainly have more opportunities with hot jocks/athletic guys in their 20's/30's than i did when i was younger. i don't get that part, but i'm not fighting it at all as long as it works for both of us.

so my advice? getting old doesn't have to be a death sentence. eat well, exercise, find activities that challenge and interest you, surround yourself with fun, interesting and challenging friends, and life is pretty good.

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Oct 10, 2010 3:31 PM GMT

Age is just a number not a state of mind. Sure you don't have all the energy you had in your 20s and 30s but you learn to use the stamina you do have wisely. Advice: exercise regularly, eat healthy, get some sleep and accept the passage of time with grace. If you're happy with yourself the world will be a better place. Six decades and still smiling.

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Oct 10, 2010 3:35 PM GMT

laxdude25: i certainly have more opportunities with hot jocks/athletic guys in their 20's/30's than i did when i was younger. i don't get that part, but i'm not fighting it at all as long as it works for both of us.

i hear yah brother - definitely similar to what i'm experiencing! its pretty darn cool!

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Oct 10, 2010 3:43 PM GMT

I'm not sure I'm as optimistic/positive about aging as some of the other posters...I've always been happy where I was in life and age has never been a problem to me, and those factors still hold true. After age 60, if every joint doesn't ache when you wake up in the morning, you're probably dead. Fortunately, they can replace/repair most of them.

We don't go out to the bars like we used to, but we still go...only earlier.

We used to hear old people talk about their illnesses, doctors and medications and laugh at them...now we're the ones talking about those things...but, we're still laughing at ourselves.

I remember that at 50 I started being very serious about retirement and making sure my partner would be well cared for if something happened to me. I did the best planning possible and life tore those plans to shit, so, now I'm revising those plans regularly.

Around that same age, I started feeling like I was less energetic than I had been all my life. After several years, I mentioned it to my doctor and she checked my T-levels. Turned out they were very low; now I'm taking daily doses and feel better than I have in a long time. Don't feel the problems you are experiencing are just age...even if they are, most of them can be fixed.

My partner has always been a homebody and I've been one that wants to go out frequently; at this stage in life, I don't mind staying home together...not as much as he would like to, but a lot more than I did in earlier years.

Don't worry about aging, it's just another stage of life to enjoy, learn about and hopefully live through.

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Oct 10, 2010 3:47 PM GMT

the secret is not the age, but how we accept and handle it. We do our best, hopefully to take care of the external, but more importantly, to me, is nuturing and expanding the internal.....I have had a lifetime of information and ideas stuffed into me and it is only within the last few years that I have finally begun to process, digest or discard and understand. In many ways, i have learned to be at peace with myself because i am learning to accept my inner being and more importantly to love me. That acceptance and love can now be shared with others to hopefully ease their path and to me that is what this earth experience is about.

Physically, I have always been self conscious about my body, never having been what a lifetime of society's attitudes have led me to believe i should be.
I am learning to change what I can, accept what I can't and having the wisdom to know the difference.....in short living the serenity prayer.....Keith

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Growing older as gay men....