The fine line between "Hard to Get" and "Not Interested"

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  Oct 25, 2010 7:03 AM GMT

  I enjoy the dating game as much as any of us...but its when it becomes more "game" than "dating" is when it gets tiresome...
  
  In bars/clubs, why do so many guys give off the body language that they are not interested when they clearly are just waiting for you to make a move?
  
  There have been many times when I'd try to do the eye contact thing and they instantly look away or walk off...but then when I just bite the bullet later and actually talk to them they say stuff like "I was wondering when you were gonna finally say something to me." WTF? You mean after to kept giving me the "no thank you" face all night?
  
  Also, why do they hover so close to their friend that they came to the bar/club with so much so that it looks like they're boyfriends...yet they expect guys to still approach them...

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  Oct 25, 2010 7:53 AM GMT

  Because most people in general (at bars) are unavailable, emotionally. They are all hoping to be approached and maybe get lucky. In the gay world:
  
  If you don't like 'em, Fuck 'em. If you like them, Don't.
  
  Stands as a rule. If you hookup the first night with someone the odds are that they are actually going to respect you more than that are slim and none. No one needs to get emotionally attached. This is why we all have that attitude of 'you approached me'.
  
  This is my reasoning why gay men are such bitches when out at the bars. It's that 'prettier than though' attitude, and none of us want to get disrespected. I think I do it as well, but I'm probably one of the friendliest guys to ever meet in public.
  

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  Oct 25, 2010 12:31 PM GMT

  hauptstimme saidBecause most people in general (at bars) are unavailable, emotionally. They are all hoping to be approached and maybe get lucky. In the gay world:
  
  If you don't like 'em, Fuck 'em. If you like them, Don't.
  
  Stands as a rule. If you hookup the first night with someone the odds are that they are actually going to respect you more than that are slim and none. No one needs to get emotionally attached. This is why we all have that attitude of 'you approached me'.
  
  This is my reasoning why gay men are such bitches when out at the bars. It's that 'prettier than though' attitude, and none of us want to get disrespected. I think I do it as well, but I'm probably one of the friendliest guys to ever meet in public.
  

  
  
  Straight people aren't much different.

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  Oct 25, 2010 12:36 PM GMT

  As a general rule: The hardest thing to say to a stranger is "hi."

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  Oct 25, 2010 1:04 PM GMT

  If soneone acts hard to get, Im immediately put off...

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• Razzmaniac
  
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  Oct 25, 2010 1:30 PM GMT

  paulflexes saidAs a general rule: The hardest thing to say to a stranger is "hi."

  
  
  I had a friend years ago who would get so stinkin drunk and by the end of the night would get so desperate and just walk up to people and ask them to go home with him. . .HA!!! I guess he had the right idea.

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• tuffguyndc
  
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  Oct 25, 2010 1:37 PM GMT

  i think one of your poster's put it best. that is just not a gay thing it is a people thing. gay, lesbian, straight, men and women i think to a degree we all do it. i would like to think i do not do it. if i am not interested i will not give you that i am interested hell i won't even stare. if i am interested i will stare. if see you staring back with a smile then i will approach. if i only get a eye contact i just look as it as you were being friendly. that is just my two cents

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  Oct 25, 2010 1:49 PM GMT

  If you're too shy to say hello, which I've been guilty of at times, at least smile to show interest.
  
  There's one guy in my yoga class that stares at me intently, maybe too intently during the class. I've smiled at him a few times but the only response I get is the intense stare. Don't know if he interested or if I've ticked him off.

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  Oct 25, 2010 2:14 PM GMT

  "There have been many times when I'd try to do the eye contact thing and they instantly look away or walk off...but then when I just bite the bullet later and actually talk to them they say stuff like "I was wondering when you were gonna finally say something to me." WTF? You mean after to kept giving me the "no thank you" face all night?
  
  Also, why do they hover so close to their friend that they came to the bar/club with so much so that it looks like they're boyfriends...yet they expect guys to still approach them... "
  
  
  I consider those types shy, passive socially and a little insecure. None of that is bad, depending on what it is you want.
  
  -Doug

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  Oct 25, 2010 3:07 PM GMT

  Confidence is sexy, you should just walk over and say Hello.
  
  I was at a halloween party over the weekend. The friend that I went with and I both were commenting on this construction worker.
  
  A few moments later, he caught on that we were looking at him, he came over and asked if we would take a picture of him and his friend. I said sure, got out my PHONE and took a picture. I said, now, How do I get this to you. He gave me his number and I txt'd mms it to him.
  
  At the end of the night, he came over, gave me a kiss, and said, you are really sexy and I reminded him, you have my number. He smiled and said he would call.
  
  Let technology work for you!!! LOL
  
  Be confident, go say Hello. Yes, you may get the 'no thank you', but at least you know then!
  

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  Oct 25, 2010 4:23 PM GMT

  wi2sd saidI was at a halloween party over the weekend. The friend that I went with and I both were commenting on this construction worker.
  
  A few moments later, he caught on that we were looking at him, he came over

  
  
  In this scenario the guy saw you were looking at him meaning he caught on that you were interested...My OP was about guys that act like they are not interested when they really are...guys playing hard to get or just too damn shy...lol

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  Oct 25, 2010 4:27 PM GMT

  amar_m saidIf soneone acts hard to get, Im immediately put off...

  If someone acts hard, I immediately put out.
  Oops did I just say that?

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• neosyllogy
  
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  Oct 25, 2010 4:41 PM GMT

  BlkMuscleGent said

  hauptstimme saidBecause most people in general (at bars) are unavailable, emotionally. They are all hoping to be approached and maybe get lucky. In the gay world:
  
  If you don't like 'em, Fuck 'em. If you like them, Don't.
  
  Stands as a rule. If you hookup the first night with someone the odds are that they are actually going to respect you more than that are slim and none. No one needs to get emotionally attached. This is why we all have that attitude of 'you approached me'.
  
  This is my reasoning why gay men are such bitches when out at the bars. It's that 'prettier than though' attitude, and none of us want to get disrespected. I think I do it as well, but I'm probably one of the friendliest guys to ever meet in public.
  

  
  
  Straight people aren't much different.

  
  
  They have the slight advantage of default rolls (edit: and roles even). Male: pursues. Female: pursued. I imagine it's slightly more complicated with guys because you have to figure out which 'role' they're playing to interpret their behavior. Just a guess. Never been to a gay bard/pick-up joint in my life.

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  Oct 25, 2010 4:47 PM GMT

  Indy404 said

  wi2sd saidI was at a halloween party over the weekend. The friend that I went with and I both were commenting on this construction worker.
  
  A few moments later, he caught on that we were looking at him, he came over

  
  
  In this scenario the guy saw you were looking at him meaning he caught on that you were interested...My OP was about guys that act like they are not interested when they really are...guys playing hard to get or just too damn shy...lol

  
  
  True, this was after a while, however; why do the story telling in your own mind. Take a chance... Don't wait on the sidelines. They can say no, at least then you know and can move on. Like bumper cars, or those headless robots that clean your floor. They bump into something move back, and move on.
  
  

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• ohioguy12
  
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  Oct 25, 2010 8:49 PM GMT

  There may some variables in my situation, but there was this bartender who I gave my number to twice, and he knows that I gave it to him, but he never called and seemed not interested or anything. He doesn't work there anymore, and I see him out and around, and he now acts like he's interested, but I've moved on, and am no longer interested. Should I assume that he was just playing hard to get before? Am I just playing hard to get subconciously? Does my care free attitude make him want me more and vice versa?

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  Oct 25, 2010 9:07 PM GMT

  Every one of us has an Absolute Terror field which keeps us separate from everyone else.

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  Oct 25, 2010 9:08 PM GMT

  neosyllogy saidThey have the slight advantage of default rolls.

  
  
  Which roll is the default roll? French or Kaiser?
  Can I have sourdough?
  

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