Really Depressed--- EVERY Guy I Date Runs Off/Disappears

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    Oct 29, 2010 2:30 AM GMT
    malefeet saidI think it has to do with your level of confidence when you're on a date with the guys. icon_wink.gif


    Maybe. I definitely don't have any confidence or self-esteem. Never really have, but it's gotten a lot worse since I came out.
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:35 AM GMT
    aw, hang in there!

    listen to guys like meninlove that are partnered.
    it'll happen if you want it and are willing to put in the work.

    the folks that are in relationships for a while are the best ones to ask...but as someone else wrote, you have to have confidence in yourself, that you ahve something to really offer...and that'll show and be an attractive force in and of itself.

    If you can do more things for yourself that build your confidence, the men should follow!

    Good luck!
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Oct 29, 2010 2:40 AM GMT
    It happens to me as well. Don't feel bad.

    I'm the opposite of you though....I'm more type A and outgoing and that seems to turn guys off.

    Don't sweat it though. You'll find your guy.
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:41 AM GMT
    I think it's a confidence issue. If you were a more confident person, you would not be treating these guys like kings, and you definitely would not be checking your phone every fifteen minutes to see if they texted you back. Coming across as insecure and needy is a major turn-off for most guys out there (myself included), but the bottom line is that you shouldn't feel so insecure and needy regardless of how others perceive you.

    So try to work on becoming more confident. Cultivate your talents and ideas. Set goals for yourself and work hard every day to meet them. Seek out new and varied experiences. If you are genuinely happy with yourself, then the people around you will be genuinely happier with you. The good news is that you are only 23, so you have plenty of time to figure it all out. Good luck, and take it easy.
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:43 AM GMT
    Perhaps they get frightened off by your interest. If you come on too strong you might scare some guys off.
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:49 AM GMT
    chance86 said
    meninlove said Oh my...well, I dated over a hundred guys over 14 years before I met Bill.

    Say, maybe this is happening because you keep picking the outgoing type? How about trying out a shy guy like yourself? icon_wink.gif


    -Doug


    I have dated another shy guy. And he was even more shy than I am--- so much so that I drove him crazy with thinking he didn't really like me that he eventually dumped me. icon_sad.gif


    I'll tell you something here chance86, from the tone of your posts you're terribly sweet and I think have just had the run-of-the-mill kind of luck most of us have or have had. I know what you mean about every 15 minutes. Back in my day it was the answering machine, lol!

    -Doug
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    open_minded10 saidI think it's a confidence issue. If you were a more confident person, you would not be treating these guys like kings, and you definitely would not be checking your phone every fifteen minutes to see if they texted you back. Coming across as insecure and needy is a major turn-off for most guys out there (myself included), but the bottom line is that you shouldn't feel so insecure and needy regardless of how others perceive you.

    So try to work on becoming more confident. Cultivate your talents and ideas. Set goals for yourself and work hard every day to meet them. Seek out new and varied experiences. If you are genuinely happy with yourself, then the people around you will be genuinely happier with you. The good news is that you are only 23, so you have plenty of time to figure it all out. Good luck, and take it easy.


    So if I don't treat them like kings.... what am I supposed to treat them like? I wouldn't be mean; that's not in my nature, and I can't see how/why that would attract a guy to me.
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    First of all, it does get better. Always keep that in mind.

    Second, consider going to a gay men's rap group or something in your community. It's a good way to share and learn about what is normal and what is not. It's good to know what is normal, because there are a lot of abnormal guys out there and you want to be able to spot them instantly (so you can avoid them).

    And, also consider going to a personal coach or counselor as well. A personal coach can help you to identify your own strengths and weaknesses and then to guide you in putting together your own personal development plan. None of us are perfect. None of us know exactly how to handle relationships when we're born.

    It takes learning and practice.

    Finally, listen to the meninlove. They're good, and they have a successful relationship.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:54 AM GMT
    Chainers saidAlso remember that dating is a satanical diabolical game that everyone hates and bitches about, yet plays at the same time. Think of it like poker, you don't give away what you have right away, leave him guessing a bit.

    Lastly, relationships aren't found, they are built through experience and common interests. I wouldnt worry about your looks so much but what you like to do, people will connect with that.


    This. Sometimes (maybe even most of the time) dating can be pretty awful. But soon enough you'll meet a guy who actually will text you back and maybe you'll date for a couple months, maybe a couple years, who knows. But you just have to relax and let things happen naturally. And realize that most guys are too scared to tell someone they are no longer interested, so they just play the ignore game. Don't take it personally.

    I'd also say, learn to realize early on whether or not there really is chemistry. I feel like a lot of guys (and I've definitely done this) will want to keep dating someone just because they are there and it's at least something, even if you know it's not really going to go anywhere. Try to be better at distinguishing between whether you reallllly like a guy, or whether you really just like the act of dating anyone in general. There is a big difference.
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    Oct 29, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    photosrus said
    Chainers saidAlso remember that dating is a satanical diabolical game that everyone hates and bitches about, yet plays at the same time. Think of it like poker, you don't give away what you have right away, leave him guessing a bit.

    Lastly, relationships aren't found, they are built through experience and common interests. I wouldnt worry about your looks so much but what you like to do, people will connect with that.


    This. Sometimes (maybe even most of the time) dating can be pretty awful. But soon enough you'll meet a guy who actually will text you back and maybe you'll date for a couple months, maybe a couple years, who knows. But you just have to relax and let things happen naturally. And realize that most guys are too scared to tell someone they are no longer interested, so they just play the ignore game. Don't take it personally.

    I'd also say, learn to realize early on whether or not there really is chemistry. I feel like a lot of guys (and I've definitely done this) will want to keep dating someone just because they are there and it's at least something, even if you know it's not really going to go anywhere. Try to be better at distinguishing between whether you reallllly like a guy, or whether you really just like the act of dating anyone in general. There is a big difference.


    I'm guilty of continuing to date guys with whom I feel no chemistry, mainly because I feel guilty and don't like hurting anyone. And even those guys end up being the ones who break things off and disappear.
  • Shiv66

    Posts: 55

    Oct 29, 2010 3:06 AM GMT
    Caslon16000 saidI just met a guy at the gym. He had me memorize his email so we could go out. NO WAY!

    Why?

    He is totally self-centered. During the course of our conversation in the locker room, he cut me off while I was speaking 2 or 3 times. That clued me in that he was listening to me. He wasn't interested in what I was saying. And ultimately he wasn't interested in me. He was all wrapped up in himself. And I am not interested in going thru that on a date. And definitely not interested in dating him thinking he will change.

    I will prolly see him at the gym again. If he presses me for why I never emailed, I will try to gentle but frankly tell the above.


    And how are you being less self-centered by completely ignoring the poor depressed guy's post and relating a story of your own? Sounds like you and the guy at the gym are too much alike, frankly; you're like magnets of the same polarity repelling each other.

    To the poster: This is simply part of the gay dating process. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to get a prince, and then they tend to turn back into frogs again from time to time as the relationship progresses. You will date many men, you might even have relationships with a few of them; the likelihood you'll be with one man your whole life is slim. The fewer unrealistic expectations you have, the happier you will eventually be. Just enjoy yourself, live and let live. The less you care, the more successful you're likely to be in relationships.
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:45 AM GMT
    chance86 said
    open_minded10 saidI think it's a confidence issue. If you were a more confident person, you would not be treating these guys like kings, and you definitely would not be checking your phone every fifteen minutes to see if they texted you back. Coming across as insecure and needy is a major turn-off for most guys out there (myself included), but the bottom line is that you shouldn't feel so insecure and needy regardless of how others perceive you.

    So try to work on becoming more confident. Cultivate your talents and ideas. Set goals for yourself and work hard every day to meet them. Seek out new and varied experiences. If you are genuinely happy with yourself, then the people around you will be genuinely happier with you. The good news is that you are only 23, so you have plenty of time to figure it all out. Good luck, and take it easy.


    So if I don't treat them like kings.... what am I supposed to treat them like? I wouldn't be mean; that's not in my nature, and I can't see how/why that would attract a guy to me.


    When I suggested you shouldn't treat them like kings, I didn't mean you should treat them badly, just more naturally, as equals.
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    Oct 29, 2010 4:55 AM GMT
    "I'm guilty of continuing to date guys with whom I feel no chemistry, mainly because I feel guilty and don't like hurting anyone. And even those guys end up being the ones who break things off and disappear."

    I'm guessing that they can tell after awhile that the sparks aren't there. This is OK and rather good of you to do, because they're often less hurt than if you ended it abruptly, though likely more than a tad frustrated about the time spent in pursuit. I used to do something similar, but with a vital difference. I'd end it, then stick around til they were fed up, lol!

    -Doug

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    Oct 29, 2010 5:06 AM GMT
    chance86 said
    malefeet saidI think it has to do with your level of confidence when you're on a date with the guys. icon_wink.gif


    Maybe. I definitely don't have any confidence or self-esteem. Never really have, but it's gotten a lot worse since I came out.


    I feel you on this-- after a year of being single and being too busy to even meet much of anyone, even one rejection hits pretty hard.

    Since coming out you've been taking big risks and actually going for what you want more, and it hasn't worked out so far. So loss of confidence is an unfortunate side effect of you acting more confident.

    It's just a matter of time and learning from mistakes. If you place the guys you date way above yourself, they'll see that. And if you don't value yourself, why should they?

    As much as it feels like a relationship would be a step towards a better life, being single is the best time to build confidence. You've got to know yourself and be comfortable with yourself before you can fully be with someone else. If you can, find a way to think of yourself as okay with being single, so that you can move through the day thinking of a relationship as a luxury, not a necessity. This will be endlessly easier after you have been in your first relationship, but it is no less true now than it will be then.
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:09 AM GMT
    Also, you've taken one risk and succeeded-- you're out, and that's a very good thing. So keep pushing yourself over the edge. Post your favorite photo of yourself. I'm shy too, and letting it control you is the worst excuse in the world. So post a photo. Now. RJ may not be the place to find a date, depending on where you live, but it's a great place to practice talking to incredibly hot men without turning into a blathering idiot, as so many of us instinctively do for a while. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    gumbosolo said
    chance86 said
    malefeet saidI think it has to do with your level of confidence when you're on a date with the guys. icon_wink.gif


    Maybe. I definitely don't have any confidence or self-esteem. Never really have, but it's gotten a lot worse since I came out.


    And if you don't value yourself, why should they?



    Good point. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:12 AM GMT
    Listen to Mr Gumbosolo!

    *at gumbosolo*
    "Hey get your hand outta that Jello tree!"

    xo -Doug
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:14 AM GMT
    Well, when I tried dating again, I kept getting ditched or stood up, so I told another guy I just wanted to be friends, and then even the ones who I kept as friends started ditching me and not talking to me icon_sad.gif

    It's pretty much hopeless icon_razz.gif I'm gonna stick to straight people from now on lol
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    But the jello tree is all that holds me up . . .

    Quick, Doug! Post #11111 here!
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:17 AM GMT
    meninlove said Listen to Mr Gumbosolo!

    *at gumbosolo*
    "Hey get your hand outta that Jello tree!"

    xo -Doug


    I'm listening to all of you. icon_wink.gif

    And I appreciate all the advice. I was taken aback at first by how many people stepped up to help a newbie like myself.
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:21 AM GMT
    gumbosolo saidAlso, you've taken one risk and succeeded-- you're out, and that's a very good thing. So keep pushing yourself over the edge. Post your favorite photo of yourself. I'm shy too, and letting it control you is the worst excuse in the world. So post a photo. Now. RJ may not be the place to find a date, depending on where you live, but it's a great place to practice talking to incredibly hot men without turning into a blathering idiot, as so many of us instinctively do for a while. icon_smile.gif


    Give me a day or so. icon_razz.gif
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    chance86 said
    gumbosolo saidAlso, you've taken one risk and succeeded-- you're out, and that's a very good thing. So keep pushing yourself over the edge. Post your favorite photo of yourself. I'm shy too, and letting it control you is the worst excuse in the world. So post a photo. Now. RJ may not be the place to find a date, depending on where you live, but it's a great place to practice talking to incredibly hot men without turning into a blathering idiot, as so many of us instinctively do for a while. icon_smile.gif


    Give me a day or so. icon_razz.gif


    Sure. But give yourself less time than you want. If you always wait until you're ready, your chance will have passed. And it gets easier every time.
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:26 AM GMT
    gumbosolo saidBut the jello tree is all that holds me up . . .

    Quick, Doug! Post #11111 here!


    Lol, OK, OK! There.

    @chance86 - Welcome to realjock, eh?
    Gumbosolo is a friend; we've spoken on the phone. I know, so modern of us ol' Canadians. He's right on the money, here with some kind assistance.

    -Doug
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:32 AM GMT
    Gay life summed up: You're a C. D is interested in you but you're not interested in him because you're a C. You're interested in B but he's not interested in you because you're a C. He's interested in A. A's not interested in him because he's a B but not an A. A goes home alone because there aren't any other As around.

    No matter what age you are or what decade you find yourself in, the story is still the same.
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    Oct 29, 2010 5:34 AM GMT
    sxydrkhair saidAre you a feminine, brand freak, snob, and bad attitude type of guy? Do you laugh ugly, funny, or wired? Do you act like a dork?

    You said you are shy, maybe that's why? Try not to be shy anymore. I can't stand guys that are shy all the time.


    If I knew how to stop being shy, I would have done it by now. Because it sucks, and I'm not 100% sure that's my problem, though it could be.