Really Depressed--- EVERY Guy I Date Runs Off/Disappears

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    You mentioned that you were afraid to come off as uncomfortable and that you thought the guys wanted you to "have it all together". I don't know that that is necessarily accurate. For some guys it can be comforting to know that you don't have it all together. A misplaced word or awkward phrase can go a long way to breaking the ice and making a stressful situation more comfortable. It can actually be kind of charming...

    I would say to just be yourself. No matter what impression you give on a date, eventually the guy is going to see the "real" you. I'm not saying to put your dirty laundry out there or anything like that. Just realize that if you are nervous, then they likely are as well. Don't worry so much about what you think they think of you and just be "you". That has to be enough. If you're not compatible, it's better to find out on the first date anyway.
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    Nov 01, 2010 12:37 AM GMT
    I'm gonna be blunt - a lot of people sound like they're trying to pad the room you're in...

    You sound like you care too much. Caring is great, it sets you apart from a lot of the hedonists in the gay world... but a guy who's desperate, who over analyzes everything, who has an agenda, is equally a turn off as the guy who just wants to get his rocks off. The fact that you have to time yourself to check your phone is a good indication of where your headspace is.

    You want to fix it?

    Stop looking for a boyfriend. Don't "but I want..." me here; seriously...Stop looking. Do some shit you like. Go to the gym. If you find that you're spending more than 5 hours a week online, you could convert that to an adonis body if you relocated those hours. THAT will get you a second, third and fourth date (as sad as it is). Sign up to a sports team. Take an art class. Do yoga. Make friends. Build some character and give yourself some substance. Friends are an integral part of building confidence... you're out now, get some people in your corner... and don't fuck it up by falling in love with them, or making it complicated.

    Finally -- get over your online issues and post pics of yourself. It's shady business when you're scared to show face, shy or not. You might find that when you're more forward with who you are, regardless of how you look, the people who would be interested in you, will follow through.

    This might also help -- redlights that stop me replying:
    - no pics/old pics.
    - I'm on a mission to find _____.
    - "VGL"
    - "discreet"
    - arrogance...in-line with VGL but can also be applied to opinions / perspectives.
    - annoyance...aka badgering
    - weak conversations...which are remarkably common.
    - incongruent ideals/morals/perspectives.
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    Nov 01, 2010 12:41 AM GMT
    Quoting:

    "This might also help -- red lights that stop me replying:
    - no pics/old pics.
    - I'm on a mission to find _____.
    - "VGL"
    - "discrete"
    - arrogance...in-line with VGL but can also be applied to opinions / perspectives.
    - annoyance...aka badgering
    - weak conversations...which are remarkably common.
    - in-congruent ideals/morals/perspectives. "

    Nothing turns me off faster than timid, whiny, lazy. If they make it all about them, I walk away. I need to know what they bring to the equation and why I should invest my time in them.

    Some folks are so lazy don't put up pictures, nor complete a profile. No wonder they're losers.
  • nicelyproport...

    Posts: 593

    Nov 02, 2010 3:24 PM GMT
    dash3echo said

    This might also help -- redlights that stop me replying:

    - "discrete"


    Just send him a link to a dictionary website so that he can learn the difference between discrete and discreet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    nicelyproportioned said
    dash3echo said
    This might also help -- redlights that stop me replying:

    - "discrete"

    Just send him a link to a dictionary website so that he can learn the difference between discrete and discreet.

    Depends on his meaning in this context. I can see either definition working.

    discrete = separate, distinct

    discreet = careful, tactful

    I suspect he means the later, for which his spelling would be incorrect, but I dunno.
  • daydreamer85

    Posts: 80

    Nov 02, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    Story of my life...
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    Nov 02, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    N8tiveNuYawhka saidif you're out

    why dont U have pictures?


    Amen! Just by reading your profile this is the impression I got. I felt/read a lot of desperation and I am guessing that desperation is given off when you are dating guys. The lack of picture and some of the things you said show you have some self-esteem issues. When you can't love yourself, how do you expect other people to love you? (cliche yes but true) Confidence is sexy (a factor I am still working on).

    Also your only 23, what is the rush? Enjoy your twenties, make some good friends, have a good time and the right guy will come to you. Seems like your spending a lot of time obsessing over this issue. The thought that your "scared you'll be alone" is a bit of catastrophic thinking.

    And maybe try dating guys that don't fit all your criteria. I have a lot of friends who complain about the same things you do but all want the "poster" gay man. Its a fallacy of many gay men that we fail to realize.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2010 4:24 PM GMT
    nicelyproportioned said
    dash3echo said

    This might also help -- redlights that stop me replying:

    - "discrete"


    Just send him a link to a dictionary website so that he can learn the difference between discrete and discreet.


    Sorry -- didn't know the grammar police were out and about...and of course you know the proper spelling, it's in your manhunt profile.
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    Nov 02, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    Similar to what others have said, is your insecurity causing you to compensate and come across as too nice? By too nice I mean overly solicitous to the point of seeming needy.

    When you say you quickly get attracted to guys, it does suggest a bit of clingyness which can be a turn off. Maybe things will be better if you approach initial meeting and a date as you would a casual friend instead of a potential mate for life. In other words, more relaxed and casual, and even a bit reserved along with being friendly.
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    Nov 02, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    Don't be so available. Too much of a good thing...is still in excess, and thus unwanted/unnecessary.
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    Nov 02, 2010 6:48 PM GMT
    I went through the exact same thing when I was your age. However, it was with girls. I had no problem picking up girls but they seemed to lose interest after the first couple dates. I now realize that it was because they were sensing that I was actually gay and trying to be straight.

    Maybe you're actually staight. Have you tried dating girls?