So I can't, for the life of me summon the discipline to focus on work and be a productive member of the firm. Instead, I've decided to write an obscenely long post about Robocop II. I apologize in advance to anyone who actually reads this...

As I said, I am at work with nothing to do. At least there's nothing I want to do. Though in the back of my mind I feel like I do have something very important to do and I just forgot…oh well. The other day I was watching TV, just flipping through the channels, nothing really on until I happen upon Robocop 2. Yes the great Robocop 2, which is much better than the first and I wont even bother mentioning the third as of right…now. This movie is truly the most awesome feat in cinema of the early 90's. It really is a testament to a simpler time, where one could get away with violence and drugs and sex and kids with guns and still make a lot of money in the box office without whinny soccer mom's crashing their SUV's into movie studios. The only draw back was that the movie was in Spanish, but that didn't really phase me. Surprisingly little is lost when you don't understand what anyone is saying. Yes I know some Spanish but I'm not really fluent enough to keep up with the speed at which they speak. The movie goes beyond words, it speaks to you in bullets and cocky attitudes. Few people know this but the song "more than words" is actually a tribute to the performance of Peter Weller as Robocop. So as my own pseudo tribute I have decided to list reasons of why Robocop 2 is one of the best movies of all time:

1: People die…a lot. The movie is ri-cock-ulously violent. I mean lots of people die. So many people die that I am sure there are extras in there that die multiple times in different scenes. "Hey black guy #7 and white guy #15, get over here you have to die again… Mexican guy #22 you're up after that, Andale!" And in my opinion every death adds to the movie, none of it is superfluous in the least.

2: Robocop II, the robot not the movie title. I mean this thing is basically straight out of a mech warrior design. It walks with backward bent knees, has a bullet shaped body and has weapons, literally coming out of its buttocal area. Just a few of its mystic weapons include a chain gun, a missile launcher, a laser, some sort of a light saber chain saw, fingers that shoot spaghetti at rude and arrogant people, and I'm sure he has some sort of robot penis that shoots... lets go with laser's. Also this thing had a big ol' nuclear warning sign on it. A completely useless one at that since it walked around in public all freaking day long but apparently there is enough plutonium in it to assplode a hole in Michigan. Oh…I almost forgot the brilliant engineers/ scientists/ 3 year old kid that designed it decided to put a mini train track in that that carried a claw. You might be asking "Why, that sounds useless?" Well it used to inject giant vials of liquid crack, they call it "Nuke" in the movie but it is really just crack. WHY THE HELL WOULD BUILD A CRACK INJECTION SYSTEM IN A ROBOT WITH LOTS OF GUNS?!?!? It makes no sense, I mean come on, really? That folks is the early 90's. To end on a high note the scene where he/it climbs up the elevator shaft is wicked cool.

3. The kid in it, Hob, was an evil little prick, but he was such a bad mofo. (The actor's name is Gabriel Damon, look him up. He has not aged well.) At an age where I spent most of my time and money collecting the eleventy billion different Leonardo Ninja Turtle action figures they had, he was into some serious bad-azz-ocity. I mean where else can you portray a 12 year old kid as a drug dealing, machine gun wielding, cursing, gambling, and woman beating little s.o.b. I added the women beating part in, but it really is implied in the movie that he does. Not only did this kid probably get to hit
that Brazilian/Black/Puerto Rican/Permed/Ugly Crusty Skank but he got that insanely cool folding blue machine gun. I mean he had a cop on the take and shot Robocop in the face. He did a really good job of making you want to slap him around.

4. The aforementioned Crusty skank. Why, because in the early 90's this is what was accepted as a hot woman. She was thought of as hot enough to be in a 90'S action movie. She had permed hair, Flo-Jo like nails, man shoulders/jaw, and a leather mini skirt. Honestly I liked the 90's but their idea of beauty almost makes me want to give up my LA Gear and pogs… I said almost. Look back and realize how truly far we have come.

5. Every car in the future is a 1989 spray painted, black Ford Taurus or Mustang. I think only the Robo-car, Robocop's car, was a Mustang though. In addition all cars explode on impact. Every car gets blown up at some point, killing hundreds of cops with it. I mean a bullet, shrapnel of other exploding cars, way ward bottle caps, a misfiring pez dispenser, really anything you can think of would make one of them explode. Its like the whole car was one giant Bridgestone tire.

6. It artistically and truthfully portrays Detroit as sewer. It is just one giant crime hole, filled with random, poorly guarded gun stores that carry rocket launchers, crotch stabbing hookers, corrupt businesses, drug dealing 12 year olds and the most useless police force in the world. Watching them shoot is like watching a GI Joe episode, they shoot a lot and never hit anything. And the best part of all of this… it is all 100% true, or at least it will be. You really have to give the art director credit for his stunningly correct prediction of what Detroit would be like.

7. Lets face it, cyborgs are cool. Ones with dry wit are even better. It would be the perfect trifecta if he was more adept at punching people to death.

8. I might get some crap for this, but the fact that this movie didn't have ninja robots like the 3rd one I think is note worthy. Don't get me wrong I acknowledge that ninjas are among the coolest things in the known universe, but not when they suck hardcore, like they did in the 3rd one. So much promise…yet it left you wanting. (They kill each other quite unceremoniously)

9. The actor Thomas Rosales Jr. If you don't remember him, look him up…he is soo friggin' filthy. I mean you really have to try to be that creepy looking. I am sure his daily routine involves getting up, sitting in a sauna for 3 hours, then without showering putting on clothes he killed a hobo for.

10. Sergeant Reed, the epitome of mean, tough as nails, black police
chief with a heart of gold.

11. Robocop's gun. This thing was insane. It was a machine gun, a pistol, it was super accurate, it looked cool, it was the cause of more deaths than Chuck Norris, and it held nearly infinity+1 bullets. Not to mention it was stored in a secret holster on the side of Robo's leg.

12. I forgot was 12 was supposed to be...

13. The part where Robocop tricks Cain with the drugs, jumps on top, puts his hand down the Robocop II's head and pulls out its brain. He then gives a look at Robocop II and smashes it into the ground. Then as if to say "And this ones for your mama!" he punches the remaining gray matter for no reason at all.

14. Pretty much every woman in it, with even a little bit of power, is evil. The writer's were making a social commentary about how during that time women were becoming a staple of the corporate world… and how it would only lead to the inevitable: they were gonna do some evil things, at least once a month.

15. The movie is very satisfying, the bad people die in horrible ways (ie the kid, the skank and Robocop II) and the evil women (the OCP psychologist gets blamed). In my own personal ending she gets back-handed by Robocop until she is dead.

16. The movie is written by Frank Miller, he wrote Sin City.

17. And the final most awesome thing is…I first saw the movie on
laser disc.

Okay that's it, if I left something out, please add it in.