DEALING WITH THE SELF CENTERED GAY MAN .... or anybody for that matter

• HndsmKansan
  
  Posts: 16869
  
  
  Oct 30, 2010 3:16 PM GMT

  So a gay friend and I were chatting and something came up about "selfish gay men". "Gay men are much more self absorbed than straight people", he said.
  
  There are many self absorbed gays, but I have straight friends who are almost as bad. I have a "friend" from college that used to tell anybody who would listen (literally) her whole life story, her ailments, her issues, her boyfriends and would rarely ask about anything in my life. I remember her calling me when I was 24 when my mother had passed away asking me "I heard your mother passed away, what happened". My response was, "its been going on for a year, you never asked"
  She was tossed "as a friend" a long time ago.
  
  Nothing turns me off quicker than somebody who dominates every conversation with discussions about them. They don't listen to you and
  seem only mildly connected with who you are.
  
  I'm curious about anybody who had ended relationships (whether it be friendships or actual relationships) because the other party was a selfish
  SOB. What made you pull the plug?
  
  

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  Oct 30, 2010 4:35 PM GMT

  Numerous times.
  
  I seem to attract those kinds of people. I've been told many, many times that I should be a professional therapist. People are always telling me their problems and issues. None of them ever listens to mine or even asks about how I'm doing or anything. It seems to simply be assumed that I'm always okay. I simply accepted it some time ago.
  
  However, I have observed that people who are like that are simply not capable of seeing past their own problems and are not capable of taking any responsibility for others. It's a genuine disability.
  
  But, since I can't go through life being everyone's rod and staff, I choose my friends differently now. You can't save others by drowning with them. There has to be some balance in any relationship, or it doesn't work for both sides. So, when I see that starting to develop with each new person I meet, I end it and move on.
  
  And, even though it happens time after time, I still keep trying. That's the good part about the human spirit. You never really completely give up or quit.

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  Oct 30, 2010 4:46 PM GMT

  Yeah, it happened to me during my sophomore year. Looking back, I realized that how emotionally invested I was in this guy's life. He never ask anything about my life. Even if he does, it's a simple question, "So, what's going on in your life?" It's as if he expects me to tell him everything right there and then. Really genuine asking about another person's welfare involve follow up questions and actively helping to understand the other's view points, taking into consideration what kind of a person he is, and so on. A one sentence question doesn't cut it. At one point, it got so bad that I was actually dreaming about his problems. At that point, we would spend till 4 am talking about his problem and how he couldn't get over his ex. Gosh, I even joked that he should pay me for the services. He was a very utilitarian guy, he even mentioned it himself that he talks smoothly to get what he wants out of most people. Well, he's not going to get that out of me biatch, coz i am not going to take him taking advantage of me. Just because I listen with empathy, it doesn't mean I can't make judgment about a person's character. In the begining, I was attracted to the fact that he was so open about himself and felt really connected to him and empathize with him. After a time, it became a self-centered act because there is a fine line between wearing your heart on the sleeve and burdening the other person with all your shit. Anyway, we are not that close anymore because of his selfish ways.

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  Oct 30, 2010 5:20 PM GMT

  I was in this exact same situation with a "friend" whom I've known since high school. Through out our friendship, all she ever talked about was herself and never really reciprocated the same kind of consideration I had always given her. If we're going out to lunch or hang out with a group of friends, the topic was always about her issues with relationships, life, family, pent up angst from the past, or even stuff that shouldn't even matter in the first place. Yet she never asked about anything about my life or others around her. Even if I find myself talking about some serious stuff, her mind tends to wander off somewhere.
  
  Being inaudibly devastated about my father who passed away almost over a month and a half ago; three days after he passed away and at the same time, on my birthday, she took me to a lounge bar in Hollywood to try and cheer me up which turned out to be an actual night club where she said it will be "pretty chill." Of course, I wanted to get my mind off of the mourning process for a little while and talk/mingle with people without the loud blaring noises around me. But that didn't happen. Through out the night, I stood up not doing anything, with the loud music nearly destroying my eardrums, and of course had an expensive, yet weak drink. She also left me standing behind and did not introduce me to the people she knows. Then towards the drive home, there were a lot of tension and hostility in the air all because she expected me to be merry and act as if I didn't lose a loved one. Fucking idiot.
  
  Haven't spoken to her since then. Probably never will.
  
  

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  Oct 30, 2010 5:32 PM GMT

  Sometimes self-absorbed people improve.

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  Oct 30, 2010 5:39 PM GMT

  You do realized you just compared gay men to straight women...
  Just saying.

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  Oct 30, 2010 6:25 PM GMT

  Does my brother count?

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  Oct 30, 2010 6:42 PM GMT

  A "Self-centered gay man" -- what a rarity

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• LJay
  
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  Oct 30, 2010 7:01 PM GMT

  Makes me think of people who are constantly interrupted by cell phone calls from themselves.

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  Oct 30, 2010 8:37 PM GMT

  There are self-absorbed straight people, I agree, but they don't make up less than 10% of the population like we do. Eventually, (most) get married and have kids, through these life changing events, they grow out of that mindset and realize other people come before them and live their lives accordingly. Most (not all) gay men do not find this in their lives, because we have such a small pool of dating options, having children, for us, usually is a very expensive thing that we discover just isn't going to happen.
  
  Our two biggest problems are that we expect other gay men to be rich, successful and overeducated (that's the face of the gay community - look at any local gay magazine) and unlike other minority groups, we have a very high bar when it comes to who gets to live among other gay people. I know of no gay neighborhoods that have low-income or Section 8 housing - almost all are very, very expensive neighborhoods that cater to the very wealthy. The rest of us are shut out of the experience of living among other gay men. The difference here is that I think a lot of gay men like this, because finally they have the power to reject other people - yea, a lot of us are angry people, but we misdirect this anger towards other gay people, who had nothing to do with the fact that you're angry at whatever happened earlier in life! Since we are still a very anonymous, untrusting bunch of people, we can also afford to have nothing to do with each other. Again, visible minorities did not have this luxury. They organized and demonstrated for change because they had to - there were no corporate jobs, executive positions or systems analysts within those communities - we are chock full of them. None of them want their names in tomorrow's newspaper saying they got arrested for protesting against the way we are treated. We couldn't care any less about each other because we are too busy focusing on how much money we make, how great our credentials look after our names, and which $500 sweater we should pick up this week.
  
  The men who were most likely to be able to teach us something about life and how to deal with other gay people are dead. We lost an entire generation of men over the last 30 years and those who are around today never developed the social skills that put forth empathy and leadership because so many of us are hiding online rather than getting out there and seeing that gay men are a diverse lot.
  
  So we go back home and hide. There's a reason why most of us want nothing to do with each other. Sad thing is, another decade from now when gay marriage is legal, nobody's going to show up because we either will never meet anyone who can stick around for more than three months, or sitting at home hiding online will become the norm. Who thought we would be going backwards.

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• bothen
  
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  Oct 30, 2010 10:26 PM GMT

  DuluthMN saidThere are self-absorbed straight people, I agree, but they don't make up less than 10% of the population like we do. Eventually, (most) get married and have kids, through these life changing events, they grow out of that mindset and realize other people come before them and live their lives accordingly. Most (not all) gay men do not find this in their lives, because we have such a small pool of dating options, having children, for us, usually is a very expensive thing that we discover just isn't going to happen.
  
  Our two biggest problems are that we expect other gay men to be rich, successful and overeducated (that's the face of the gay community - look at any local gay magazine) and unlike other minority groups, we have a very high bar when it comes to who gets to live among other gay people. I know of no gay neighborhoods that have low-income or Section 8 housing - almost all are very, very expensive neighborhoods that cater to the very wealthy. The rest of us are shut out of the experience of living among other gay men. The difference here is that I think a lot of gay men like this, because finally they have the power to reject other people - yea, a lot of us are angry people, but we misdirect this anger towards other gay people, who had nothing to do with the fact that you're angry at whatever happened earlier in life! Since we are still a very anonymous, untrusting bunch of people, we can also afford to have nothing to do with each other. Again, visible minorities did not have this luxury. They organized and demonstrated for change because they had to - there were no corporate jobs, executive positions or systems analysts within those communities - we are chock full of them. None of them want their names in tomorrow's newspaper saying they got arrested for protesting against the way we are treated. We couldn't care any less about each other because we are too busy focusing on how much money we make, how great our credentials look after our names, and which $500 sweater we should pick up this week.
  
  The men who were most likely to be able to teach us something about life and how to deal with other gay people are dead. We lost an entire generation of men over the last 30 years and those who are around today never developed the social skills that put forth empathy and leadership because so many of us are hiding online rather than getting out there and seeing that gay men are a diverse lot.
  
  So we go back home and hide. There's a reason why most of us want nothing to do with each other. Sad thing is, another decade from now when gay marriage is legal, nobody's going to show up because we either will never meet anyone who can stick around for more than three months, or sitting at home hiding online will become the norm. Who thought we would be going backwards.

  
  
  Very well said, your very smart

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  Oct 30, 2010 11:14 PM GMT

  DuluthMN saidThere are self-absorbed straight people, I agree, but they don't make up less than 10% of the population like we do. Eventually, (most) get married and have kids, through these life changing events, they grow out of that mindset and realize other people come before them and live their lives accordingly. Most (not all) gay men do not find this in their lives, because we have such a small pool of dating options, having children, for us, usually is a very expensive thing that we discover just isn't going to happen.
  
  Our two biggest problems are that we expect other gay men to be rich, successful and overeducated (that's the face of the gay community - look at any local gay magazine) and unlike other minority groups, we have a very high bar when it comes to who gets to live among other gay people. I know of no gay neighborhoods that have low-income or Section 8 housing - almost all are very, very expensive neighborhoods that cater to the very wealthy. The rest of us are shut out of the experience of living among other gay men. The difference here is that I think a lot of gay men like this, because finally they have the power to reject other people - yea, a lot of us are angry people, but we misdirect this anger towards other gay people, who had nothing to do with the fact that you're angry at whatever happened earlier in life! Since we are still a very anonymous, untrusting bunch of people, we can also afford to have nothing to do with each other. Again, visible minorities did not have this luxury. They organized and demonstrated for change because they had to - there were no corporate jobs, executive positions or systems analysts within those communities - we are chock full of them. None of them want their names in tomorrow's newspaper saying they got arrested for protesting against the way we are treated. We couldn't care any less about each other because we are too busy focusing on how much money we make, how great our credentials look after our names, and which $500 sweater we should pick up this week.
  
  The men who were most likely to be able to teach us something about life and how to deal with other gay people are dead. We lost an entire generation of men over the last 30 years and those who are around today never developed the social skills that put forth empathy and leadership because so many of us are hiding online rather than getting out there and seeing that gay men are a diverse lot.
  
  So we go back home and hide. There's a reason why most of us want nothing to do with each other. Sad thing is, another decade from now when gay marriage is legal, nobody's going to show up because we either will never meet anyone who can stick around for more than three months, or sitting at home hiding online will become the norm. Who thought we would be going backwards.

  
  
  
  As always my dear DuluthMN contributions are always insightful and right to the point! thank you my dear friend!
  
  
  Leandro ♥

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  Oct 30, 2010 11:22 PM GMT

  I agree, it is really the worst kind of... Say, I think my eyebrows need trimming. I'll be right back.

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  Oct 30, 2010 11:29 PM GMT

  Selfish gay friends/people? Yep, how I know.
  
  A few years ago I had a friend for close to 12 years. We became roommates for a while. Everyday I'd ask how he was and after lengthy talks about his day not once did he ask how I was doing. At that time I really needed someone to ask me how I was doing. It was always about his work, his dating, his whatever. Meanwhile I was struggling to find a reason not to commit suicide.
  
  Finally after a series of events I picked myself up, moved on and found an apartment without roommates. That situation and a few others have made me gun shy about meeting others I will admit, but I know whatever day I have I can enter my home, close the door, and not be bothered by someone's personality.
  
  Are gay people more self absorbed than straight people? No, we just notice it because we expect more from gay people. I see just as much selfishness in the straights as I do in the gays.

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  Oct 30, 2010 11:34 PM GMT

  Damn, Duluth every time you post I want to hug the bitterness rite out of you.
  
  I’m not going to debate what you have said; just let it be known my partner and I are in the “not all” you have spoke of.
  

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  Oct 30, 2010 11:50 PM GMT

  dustin_K_tx saidDamn, Duluth every time you post I want to hug the bitterness rite out of you.
  
  I’m not going to debate what you have said; just let it be known my partner and I are in the “not all” you have spoke of.
  

  
  
  So my dear Dustin just count your blessings that you are partnered! although I can assure that DuluthMN statements is not so far from the truth, because when you are single not by choice but because there seems to be no good choices of men like you and your partner out there;well some of us may become disillusioned but not bitter!
  
  
  Leandro ♥

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  Oct 30, 2010 11:59 PM GMT

  I'm often affected by this since I'm a student learning journalism. When somebody has trouble contributing anything but their own life story to a conversation, I just keep asking them questions in the hopes that eventually they'll realize they've been talking the whole time.
  
  What I'm saying is I have a lot of patience for that kind of thing, but use it as a tool to find out who the really problematic egotists are who never realize they don't even know my age or where I'm from or something fundamental an hour into the discussion.
  

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  Oct 31, 2010 12:02 AM GMT

  DuluthMN saidThere are self-absorbed straight people, I agree, but they don't make up less than 10% of the population like we do. Eventually, (most) get married and have kids, through these life changing events, they grow out of that mindset and realize other people come before them and live their lives accordingly. Most (not all) gay men do not find this in their lives, because we have such a small pool of dating options, having children, for us, usually is a very expensive thing that we discover just isn't going to happen.
  
  Our two biggest problems are that we expect other gay men to be rich, successful and overeducated (that's the face of the gay community - look at any local gay magazine) and unlike other minority groups, we have a very high bar when it comes to who gets to live among other gay people. I know of no gay neighborhoods that have low-income or Section 8 housing - almost all are very, very expensive neighborhoods that cater to the very wealthy. The rest of us are shut out of the experience of living among other gay men. The difference here is that I think a lot of gay men like this, because finally they have the power to reject other people - yea, a lot of us are angry people, but we misdirect this anger towards other gay people, who had nothing to do with the fact that you're angry at whatever happened earlier in life! Since we are still a very anonymous, untrusting bunch of people, we can also afford to have nothing to do with each other. Again, visible minorities did not have this luxury. They organized and demonstrated for change because they had to - there were no corporate jobs, executive positions or systems analysts within those communities - we are chock full of them. None of them want their names in tomorrow's newspaper saying they got arrested for protesting against the way we are treated. We couldn't care any less about each other because we are too busy focusing on how much money we make, how great our credentials look after our names, and which $500 sweater we should pick up this week.
  
  The men who were most likely to be able to teach us something about life and how to deal with other gay people are dead. We lost an entire generation of men over the last 30 years and those who are around today never developed the social skills that put forth empathy and leadership because so many of us are hiding online rather than getting out there and seeing that gay men are a diverse lot.
  
  So we go back home and hide. There's a reason why most of us want nothing to do with each other. Sad thing is, another decade from now when gay marriage is legal, nobody's going to show up because we either will never meet anyone who can stick around for more than three months, or sitting at home hiding online will become the norm. Who thought we would be going backwards.

  
  
  TOTALLY AGREE!!! Great commentary!!

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  Oct 31, 2010 1:17 AM GMT

  Amen and kudos to those who exercise compassion and unlimited patience when dealing with selfish people because my patience is limited for a number of reasons. I did end up getting involved with someone who basically gave me another reason as to why I'm stuck up and why I'm gonna love being single. Some family matters were going on around me and all he was worried about was some money.
  
  Dropped him like it was hot and haven't gave him a second thought(:
  

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  Oct 31, 2010 2:33 AM GMT

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  Oct 31, 2010 3:59 AM GMT

  DuluthMN saidThere are self-absorbed straight people, I agree, but they don't make up less than 10% of the population like we do. Eventually, (most) get married and have kids, through these life changing events, they grow out of that mindset and realize other people come before them and live their lives accordingly. Most (not all) gay men do not find this in their lives, because we have such a small pool of dating options, having children, for us, usually is a very expensive thing that we discover just isn't going to happen.
  
  Our two biggest problems are that we expect other gay men to be rich, successful and overeducated (that's the face of the gay community - look at any local gay magazine) and unlike other minority groups, we have a very high bar when it comes to who gets to live among other gay people. I know of no gay neighborhoods that have low-income or Section 8 housing - almost all are very, very expensive neighborhoods that cater to the very wealthy. The rest of us are shut out of the experience of living among other gay men. The difference here is that I think a lot of gay men like this, because finally they have the power to reject other people - yea, a lot of us are angry people, but we misdirect this anger towards other gay people, who had nothing to do with the fact that you're angry at whatever happened earlier in life! Since we are still a very anonymous, untrusting bunch of people, we can also afford to have nothing to do with each other. Again, visible minorities did not have this luxury. They organized and demonstrated for change because they had to - there were no corporate jobs, executive positions or systems analysts within those communities - we are chock full of them. None of them want their names in tomorrow's newspaper saying they got arrested for protesting against the way we are treated. We couldn't care any less about each other because we are too busy focusing on how much money we make, how great our credentials look after our names, and which $500 sweater we should pick up this week.
  
  The men who were most likely to be able to teach us something about life and how to deal with other gay people are dead. We lost an entire generation of men over the last 30 years and those who are around today never developed the social skills that put forth empathy and leadership because so many of us are hiding online rather than getting out there and seeing that gay men are a diverse lot.
  
  So we go back home and hide. There's a reason why most of us want nothing to do with each other. Sad thing is, another decade from now when gay marriage is legal, nobody's going to show up because we either will never meet anyone who can stick around for more than three months, or sitting at home hiding online will become the norm. Who thought we would be going backwards.

  
  I swear, every time I read something by Duluth I have the strongest urge to go take a bath in a tub of currency to get the stench of poverty off me! WHO LEFT THE GATE OPEN?!?!? ...

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