my boyfriend doesnt want sex anymore

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2008 9:45 PM GMT
    hi, just thought id ask for some advice, basically ive been with my bf for just over a year now, we started out having sex all the time and it was fantastic, however, he started to get depressed due to stress from his degree and then since june he hasnt wanted sex at all, he doesnt want to kiss more or anyhting, only hugs...he says he doesnt want sex with me or anyone and that he wouldnt cheat which i believe...i respect the fact that he doesnt want it, but to be honest it definitely gets to me...has anyone experienced a similar thing, or got some advise for me?

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    Mar 12, 2008 9:58 PM GMT
    You've been together for only a year, but haven't had sex in almost 8 months? icon_eek.gificon_eek.gif WTF?

    He's crazy if he doesn't want sex with you. I don't know what to tell you, except that I wouldn't have put up with it for that long. What have you tried? Counseling, porn, role play, etc.? If he's not willing to work with you on this issue, I'd say it's time to dump him and move on. Sorry.
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    Mar 12, 2008 10:24 PM GMT
    Is he graduating this semester?
    I'm not saying it's all cool, but if there's 'light at the end of the tunnel' it might be something to work with.

    I dealt with some stuff like that when my boy was finishing school, and I thought there was no way things could change that much after he got past the stuff that's been stressing him out, but the truth is the difference has been night and day.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 12, 2008 10:28 PM GMT
    Hey, come on now. Why is it, that the first thing that comes into some guys heads, is to dump him.

    There is something obviously bothering him. This maybe a sill question, but have you talked to him? I mean really talked to him.

    Sometimes, when something is bothering my partner, I almost have to beat it out of him. You have to sit down with him, and have a serious heart to heart talk with him, and find out what the problem is. Make it easy for him to tell you what the problem is.

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    Mar 12, 2008 10:29 PM GMT
    well he graduated in july, so finished the course that stressed him out, nows hes doin a master which doesnt stress him out, but his mum got breast cancer and she lives several thousand miles away and i think that effected him too, but now shes in remision, but its still the same siutation
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    Mar 12, 2008 10:30 PM GMT

    I had sex with my ex-bf even when I didn't really want to (of course after we started I got into it), But that was after a few years together. You got to give and take (pun intended). Its a relationship and you have to compromise, if you want it to go anywhere.

    Not sure what your specific situation is but you must talk to him about how it is effecting you. Honest dialog is my only advice and eventually you will have to decide what is right for you. If you do or don't want to be in a sexless or sex infrequent relationship, then you may have to come to a very difficult decision.

    Good luck
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    Mar 12, 2008 10:31 PM GMT
    yeah ive tried sitting down and talking to him, and all i get is "i just dont want sex anymore" its not like theres anything deeper than what ive previously mentioned
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    Mar 12, 2008 10:31 PM GMT
    Shallow? No--especially if it's something that's important to you. If you're not going to have sex you might as well just be friends.

    How is he satisfying his sexual desires? If he's not cheating on you then he must be masturbating a lot, and he needs to quit that so you guys can be intimate together. It doesn't sound like he's communicating with you, and that can be a relationship killer.

    If he's not in the state of mind for a relationship right now then maybe it is a good idea to take a break and let him deal with his problems. I'm not saying to dump him as a first course of action, but if you've tried everything and it's still not going anywhere, then you need to seriously reevaluate things and decide what you want out of this relationship.

    Anyway, you're only 22. He's either your first love or one of the first, and I know it sounds harsh but you have plenty of time to grow, and find someone who will give you what you want. Good luck.
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    Mar 12, 2008 10:46 PM GMT

    You have to make a choice, can you continue like this? Its all about your limits and what you are willing to give up to stay with this man.
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    Mar 12, 2008 11:23 PM GMT
    If there isn't sex then is it really a relationship? Well okay let me back up a bit-- there are situations where one partner is unable to perform and it's difficult on the relationship, and couples still stick together.

    But you're 22. And HOT!

    He's clearly got some issues going on, especially with the not kissing thing.

    If you want to tough it out, ask him to get some therapy. If he's unwilling to take steps to address his problem then it's not going to be an equal relationship.

    I had a couple of sexless relationships where I was the partner who didn't want it. But I just really didn't want the guy I was with, even though I liked him a lot. It was a bad situation and I'll never do it again.
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    Mar 13, 2008 12:19 AM GMT
    I wouldn't break up with a boyfriend whom I loved because he didn't want sex anymore.
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    Mar 13, 2008 12:25 AM GMT
    Well out of my experience...which isnt really all that much...a relationship wont work unless you have good sex. I mean might as well be best friends or something like that!!!
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    Mar 13, 2008 12:26 AM GMT
    Sounds like depression, I'd try to get him in to a specialist.
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    Mar 13, 2008 12:44 AM GMT
    you can always come to texas and i could take care of that problem.

    lol, jk.

    i kinda felt the same with my ex actually. after a while of having sex like 2 times a day, i dunno why but i stopped wanting to have sex. we would still kiss and cuddle but no sex.

    i can offer you some advice though. when i went thru this weird phase, my ex did something very special. he knew i was stressed with school and work so one day, without telling me, he went out and made me a CD at the music starbucks (i dunno if yall have any of those, but its a starbucks where you can go and compile music from different artists, and they burn it for you and put it on a nice CD with artwork on it, a label and a cool box). he also made dinner that night, had candles everywhere, and was just really romantic with me. it was really sweet cuz it really did get my mind off of everything else and it was a total surprise. needless to say, my sex drive came back ;-P
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    Mar 13, 2008 12:57 AM GMT
    UGH!! dont get me started on this one, I could write a book... My bf and I have been together 3 1/2 years now and we have extremely different sex drives. It has been a constant concern, argument and problem for us. He says sex isnt that important to him, hed rather cuddle or do activities together.

    To make a long story short I had to have a long serious talk with him, tell him what I expected and told him I was not going to have a sexless relationship and if it was we might as well just be buddies. He doesn't view sex as an emotional bond like i do. We have talked about our differences and both of us have tried to compromise.

    I still have my doubts sometimes about why hes not as sexual but I love him and do see him making an effort to the compromise we made. Also hes the type to let stress get to him and he says the first thing to go is his sex drive, which I see.

    I am total opposite...the house could be on fire and I would want a blow job b4 I got out, haha.

    Anyway, if you love him and he loves you, you both have to come to a compromise. If you dont know matter how much you love him you are eventually going to search for that need somewhere else, I dont care how much you love him, if your like me you need it.

    He needs to be a little more willing to satisfy your needs even if he doesn't feel like having sex.

  • ScotXY

    Posts: 117

    Mar 13, 2008 1:11 AM GMT
    Well its hard for us all to give u all the best advice since we are not able to talk to him.

    For your bf:

    When you wake up in bed and are getting out of bed what is the real motivator to get out and get started. (No we don't want to hear about responsibility.

    I understand he is doing more school. But wtf ever.
    School is zero answer nor excuse for what you all are going through.

    I am by far not an expert. But I have 15400 community service hours given to gay and lesbian communities and working with kids and peers in working thru issues as a peer counselor. Domestic violence counselor. I have had 7 bf's in my life. Shortest was 5 months longest was 4y10m.

    You both are smart and driven young men. 1 that you want a long term boyfriend speaks large amounts for your character as a man. Two making the strides in your patience and love for your bf is awesome. But. Id look at some of the basic information below. Try to talk to him about the different layers in your way of talking to him. Checking in on things in his life. He is not really willing to talk about it then.. Id really suggest a Therapist for couples and also that he goes on his own, also suggest you go as well on your own. Just for little while so you can take a heart beat on how you feel and how to deal with your feelings before the form in to resentment into your bf. By your responses on here you do sound like you are at the witts end. Which I can totally understand.

    But here - First this is little weird and dry but it makes sense.

    I have listened to all your responses. If you look at the things you are talking about. His behaviors and stuff.... Then look at the list 1-5 below. 1 being the most basic stuff to human nature and needs. 5 being the final peace of humanity.

    Think of 1 being the base of an house. That is your foundation. If those 1 items are not met or working the smaller foundation you have to build upon. The more things not really working then.... more a person is breaking down and needs help.

    Core fundamental principles of human needs are.

    1- Physiological - breathing, food, water, sex , sleep, homeostasis(warmth & Home & Shelter), excretion

    2- Safety - Security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the family , of health, of property.

    3- Love/Belonging - Friendship, Family, Sexual Intimacy

    4- Esteem- Self-Esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others.

    5- Self-Actualization - Morality, creativity, spontaneity,
    problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts.

    Also you could reach out to friends and family if you all are out. Try to talk to them about other signs that you see if you feel comfortable to try the whole team approach if he does not want to work on helping your all's relationship get back into place where you both are happy.

    If you or our bf are lacking more and more of the above then something is going on. You all had great sex for half year then something changed. Trying to get him to find out what that is.

    Its really hard I know to work thru this issue. Especially as long as you have been patient.

    Other posters of stated the obvious that you are young, very attractive, amazing body, which are all the superficial things most men just look at.
    Obviously you have a lot more then that to offer and why you are here asking for ideas.

    If you are having problems finding therapists ... let me know. I will help you find resource for your area. Depending on if you are working or he is working for a company sometimes there is free or low cost resources. If both full time students then there are other resources that may be available thru organizations.

    Let me know I will help you out in getting to those resources.

    Wish the best and if you need anything we all are here for ya. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2008 1:22 AM GMT
    Ok, so he doesn't want sex. Marvelous. But, you do.

    In a relationship a compromise needs to be reached. He can't just moan about how much school sucks and ignore your sexual needs for eight-fucking-months. That is completely selfish of him. Now, that doesn't mean you can force him to have sex. That could possibly mean you jerk off while grinding your ass into his face. Or it could mean he works a dildo in you. You have needs and they need to be met within an acceptable compromise.

    Otherwise he is just using you for emotional support.

    Have a chat with him. Move on if things don't work out.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Mar 13, 2008 1:23 AM GMT
    Stress can take it's toll. I'd suggest he get some counseling to help him out. The sex thing is probably just a symptom.
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    Mar 13, 2008 1:25 AM GMT
    Spoken like a true quazi-therapist.

    All relationships eb and flow; sex drives differ from person to person, and desire very rarely syncs up perfectly between two men. It does happen, and that's great for those people.

    Whether to stay or go -- it's simple, what do you want? Ask yourself what you need and then ask yourself honestly if he's giving that (or willing to give that) to you.

    Guys are going to jump all over me for this comment, but love is more important than sex. You need intimacy, we all do. Be certain your needs are being met and do your best to determine what he needs from you. Have you asked him what (besides sex) he may need from you and is or isn't getting?

    Good luck. Relationships aren't the same type of exciting as being single and having frequent sex, but they are rewarding in other ways, and have the potential to be so much more.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Mar 13, 2008 1:29 AM GMT
    who is a quasi therapist?
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    Mar 13, 2008 2:00 AM GMT
    When my last 2 bfs stopped having sex with was because they were having or trying to have sex with other men.

    I'm just saying.

    Edit: And I don't think it happened because I'm dull in bed, but rather, as men and women often do, they were using sex as a power play within and without the relationships.
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    Mar 13, 2008 6:55 AM GMT
    Nexus, something is going on. You are very young and very hot BTW! Just don't be naive, it has been my experiance when a BF acts the way yours is acting, there is usually something going on you just don't know about. I'm not saying he's cheating, but you should listen to your gut. Your internal gut or as I call it "Spidey Sense" can be your best friend. Nine times out ten, if your gut is telling something is really wrong it usually is. Talk to him and keep your eyes open.

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    Mar 13, 2008 7:02 AM GMT
    Yeah, my boyfriend and I went through the same thing before the real problems started up. Find someone new. Don't wait around. That's probably just my bitter answer though, hehe.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Mar 13, 2008 7:14 AM GMT

    Some good conversation that has already been thoughts:

    1. It is very possible that he is emotionally spent with everything going on in his life [school, mom, etc.]

    2. It is very possible he no longer feels the strong attraction he did when you first started dating...and doesn't know how to say "I think we are done"

    3. Most of us know that the sex you rack up in your first year of dating will never compete with the sex that follows...that being said...your first year should usually be the biggest number!icon_eek.gif

    His behavior is telling you something...even if he's not "telling you something" the same way...when I read your post...I can tell you know're just trying to confirm what you know...icon_wink.gif

    Much luck to you [both]...

    - David
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    Mar 13, 2008 7:17 AM GMT
    Oh Nexus dont panic its the University college study thing!

    My b/f whom i met last june spent summer with me and did some summer job and we had a good time !

    He went back to Uni then he came at New Year and bought me a gold band yellow and white but it was not the same and it was because of stress from studies that i know an he will never cheat or me either so dont worry it will pass. He will be here in April for a few days so i will feed him up with Hazelnuts!! They say they are viagra here ha ha ha who needs viagra with me around i ask???

    Oh he is 22 in June and me well a lot older so dont even go there ok!