How on earth can i get a date?

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    Jun 14, 2007 1:50 PM GMT
    How can i get a date? I have never dealt with this question ever in my life. It's hard. And there are some contributing factors that make it even harder.

    I am new to the area. I don't have a "group of friends." Most of my friends are just people whom i work with, and they don't really hang out with me. They each have their own thing. And because of this i tend to go out on my own, trying my luck to maybe meet someone or some people interesting to date or even just be friends with. I go to bars/clubs in Jersey and Manhattan, and lately - it gets so FRUSTRATING. I've been doing this for quite a few months now and I don't get to meet and talk with people who may be potential dates or even just friends. As far as i can recall, 95% of those people who approach me are either drunk or stoned! Am I in the wrong place at the wrong time? Is it me, is it how i look? I'm approachable, I smile I nod I say Hi...

    And I also noticed that maybe it's just that guys have their own groups in bars/clubs that they tend to neglect people like me who's like the lone wolf in the wilderness who got lost from the pack.

    Any suggestions? I'm totally outgoing, no drama, low maintenance, no non-sense kinda guy. So what's wrong here guys?
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    Jun 14, 2007 2:40 PM GMT
    I suggest picking up the local gay newspaper and looking for groups that interest you: gay softball league, gay knitting group, a book club, etc. Go to your interests and you might find a man with similar interests. Then work your magic from there!
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    Jun 14, 2007 2:44 PM GMT
    it's a bar dude, most people are going to be inebriated. though, a drunk guy can lead to something more. any hobbies you do like art, martial arts, books? maybe you can take up classes or something. would it be too much of an intrusion to invite yourself (in a not so awkward situation kinda way) to one of your workmates social gatherings? going to a colleagues birthday party and inviting some people out afterwards for a drink?

    do you think it maybe your approach? after you say hi, is there a follow up conversation on your behalf? for me, skimming the surface and typical info gathering questions (what do you do, how old are you etc...) doesn't keep me interested and you can get all that info on the way, jump in and act like you've known them for some time or relate to them (you both are disappointed your baseball team is losing etc...) warms people up.
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    Jun 14, 2007 4:57 PM GMT
    Ugh, going to a bar or club all alone can be a horribly depressing experience. I agree with jc: establish a circle of friends with similar interests.
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    Jun 14, 2007 5:35 PM GMT
    People in bars (not all, but many) are interested in posing, dancing, drinking, and staying in their circle. It's the rare bird that ventures outside of his/her comfort zone in a gay bar to strike up a chat with a stranger or (even rarer) engage a group of folks in conversation. Bars, in my opinion, aren't the best places to meet guys for dating; bars, however, can be great places for meeting one-night-stands and guys that don't ask much from you in that instance.

    It's tough for gay men because we don't have the broad social opportunities that straight people do, who can in theory meet/hang out anywhere and have 100xs more opportunity to meet potential mates. Not to be a hater, but we (gay people) can put so much emphasis on the superficial that when it comes to real interests, hobbies, and conversation, many of us can't say or do much.

    My advice would be for you to do the things you enjoy doing and become the type of man you'd like to date (if you're not already). Eventually, you'll meet that guy who shares your interests and maybe, you'll make a connection.

    I think you can meet men anywhere, however, if you're open to it and know the approach to take.
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    Jun 14, 2007 6:31 PM GMT

    Hot Tamale,

    I have to agree with "JCONLINE". Do no limit your search parameters to just the bars.

    There crowd there it is what it is and there is nothing wrong with because. I have met some of my closest friends in the bars.

    It is a great outlet for us. I take umbrage with comments like "not in to the bar scene"

    As if those of us are some lower life form.
    Sometimes we are very judgmental.

    Anyway getting back on point!

    Seek out groups and or clubs that you personally have an interest in and go from there.

    Do not settle and be selective. I have often found it interesting.We sometime spend more time and energy selecting a pair of shoes or nice fitting jeans, then we do when selecting a potential date, lover and or friend.

    The results are usually, well so pleasent.

    Hot Tamale you have nothing but time and you are not going to turn into a pumpkin.

    Having just move to a new city myself over a year and a half ago, I am just now finding my legs. It may seem like a long time but really it's not.

    I have not made a lot of friends here, but the friends that I have made they are friends for life.

    Good Luck to you and baby...It will happen just be patient! That's funny coming from me because...I can be VERY IMPATIENT...ROTFL! 8-)
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    Jun 14, 2007 10:08 PM GMT
    "It is a great outlet for us. I take umbrage with comments like "not in to the bar scene""

    After I came out, it was a great outlet for me, too. And, after three years of it, I was a miserable, chain-smoking alcoholic, not at all unlike a lot of the other guys in those bars. Please understand that there are people who have very good reason for not being into the bar scene.
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    Jun 14, 2007 10:17 PM GMT
    Thanks guys. Yeah i just came out so the bar scene is (becoming "was") a great outlet for me... i'm kinda getting tired of it... and going there alone is a very DEPRESSING exprience. It's just so hard to get some friends, and what more - dates. I've been searching for those so-called groups that i can maybe join. But there aren't that many here in new jersey... anyone who knows?... I wish there were a group specially made for people like me, who is new to the place seeking friends and or dates.
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    Jun 14, 2007 10:22 PM GMT
    I think almost all the gay guys in New Jersey are married to women.
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    Jun 14, 2007 10:25 PM GMT
    Haha, honestly, and this is rather odd, but I've found my last two dates off of


    Who would have thought that a website that basically is one large e-bathhouse could ACTUALLY be used as a way to meet people to date WITHOUT fucking them afterwards?


    Seriously though, 99% of people I've talked to on are not worth the effort...but there's still that 1% who are. I dunno, maybe try that? It's working for me.
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    Jun 15, 2007 5:16 AM GMT
    If you go to bar and u like to dance and r into having a good time I have found men and woman do respond-has never been a negative experience for me. I read somewhere if your bored it means your boring!! Read "the secret" and put negative thoughts and feelings aside. Not easy but it can be done. Look at the alternative-alone bored...
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    Jun 15, 2007 10:05 AM GMT
    Hi Tamale

    There's some good advice here.

    I agree with practically everyone here.

    Maybe forget the gay thing and try to find a club or group in something that interests you, amateur dramatics, sports, a reading group. It doesn't need to be gay, there will probably be Gay people there too.

    Are you sure there isn't some sort of social/meeting group for Gay men in your area. You can probably find this by calling a gay advice line, or on the internet.

    Or try a dating site that isn't just about sex (believe it or not that are some...I met my partner on one).

    And as Mikemm says above. Be positive and don't let your boredom with the scene and bad experiences get you down. We have all felt lonely at some stage in our lives.

    Good luck

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    Jun 15, 2007 1:42 PM GMT
    Biomatty, i've tried meeting people online as well (even got a account! sheesh!). To meet people just to hang out with or maybe even "date." But you're exactly right, 99% of the people there are just looking for hook ups, someone to scratch their itch. Of all the people i sent messages to, just nearly 10% responded, and it mostly ends there. Only 1 person was nice enough to meet me, we are now friends. But i don't think he wants to hang out with me though. So there goes the online thingy.

    I also agree that bars/clubs isn't a place to make 'real' friends and/or dates. But of course there could be exceptions.

    I am still trying to find those clubs/groups to join to because i think it's a good idea. I just hope there's such a thing here in Jersey. I can't believe it is this hard to get friends, furthermore a date. Is there a 911 for stuff like this? It would be so much easier! LoL.. Thanks guys!

    Other suggestions will likewise be greatly appreciated.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 16, 2007 11:44 PM GMT
    Yeah...I pretty much agree with everyone on here
    but you gotta get out and just do the things that YOU enjoy
    you like Alligator farming? then go out and find yourself a farm...
    I know thats a silly example but whatever it is that gets you going do it...then the men will come
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2007 2:42 AM GMT
    Depending on the city you're in, there are actually dating/introduction services you can use. I signed up for one of those. Granted it was NOT cheap, but the advantage is they do a pretty extensive screening process, and you get to spell out in detail EXACTLY who you are, and EXACTLY the kind of guy you like.

    The advantage is you can be completely honest. I DO like this, I DON"T like that... that kind of thing.

    The problem with bars is it's all cover and no book. You have no way of knowing with whom you'll be compatible. A guy you might not loook at twice might be exactly right for you, but you're too busy looking at someone else (who may be exactly wrong for you).

    Online's pretty much a waste of time, or at least that's my experience.

    Other then that, the best you can do is what some of the other guys here suggest. Find the things that give you joy and participate in those. Eventually you'll meet other people who like to do the same thing, and that's a start.
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    Jun 24, 2007 5:08 AM GMT
    For meeting people online, here's my advice:

    1. Try non-gay only sites like MySpace, FaceBook, etc, and look for people with common interests. Gay sites are OK, but for a relationship, more common interest sites are usally better.

    2. Talk to anyone who wants to talk. Some people take a while to get to know. And by talking to a lot of people, you'll find out a lot about other people.

    3. Look at who people are "friends" with for ideas on what type of people they are.

    4. Don't write off silly web sites like hotornot, xy, etc.

    5. If you agree to meet someone, only agree to meet in the daytime, in a public place, like for coffee or at a restaurant. People only willing to meet in private or late at night are usually just looking for hookups, regardless of what they say.

    6. Try to just get to know a lot of faces and facts about people, then when you see someone at a club gym, etc, you'll know more about them.

    7. Talk to people for a few months (yes, months) before meeting. If they aren't willing to talk a while to get to know you, they probably are just looking for a hookup.

    8. Don't just looks for dates, also look for companions that won't complete with you, who might want to go to clubs and etc with you.