Friends With Benefits Trouble

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  Dec 13, 2010 7:26 PM GMT

  hey guys,
  
  This has been sitting on me for a while so I thought i'd ask you all for some advice and get some perspective.
  
  Pretty much I'm fucking one of my best friends. We met on a4a - started as just hook up buddies, but somehow in the last year, it slowly developed into us becoming really good friends and him telling me that i'm one of the people that he opens up to most. Problem is, we're still having sex. So we're pretty much best friends that have sex which begs the question....why aren't we dating?
  
  I just moved back down to southern california from san francisco, and we still talk - in fact, he just came down for my birthday a few weeks ago and im going back up this weekend to see him. He tells me about some dates that he goes on knowing that it irks me because I'm pretty sure he knows that I like him.
  
  How should I approach this situation? I don't want to lose a best friend, but I also fell for him. We kinda crossed the boundaries of a friends with benefits NSA relationship by him making us best friends and telling me about his feelings. It's tough cuz I care about him now.
  
  He has a history of his friend with benefits before that fell for him too and he just rejected him......maybe im just not his type - and I dont want to bring it up to him if there really is no chance.
  
  Definitely confused....

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  Dec 13, 2010 10:50 PM GMT

  I think it's time the two of you sit down and have the "talk." If it's bothering you now, it's only going to get worse the longer you sit on it. Just ask him if he's open to the idea of dating. It doesn't have to be serious and heavy, and it's less likely to scare him away.
  
  I think that's the problem with so many FWB situations. It's great in theory but one person almost inevitably develop attachments.

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  Dec 13, 2010 11:56 PM GMT

  Vancouverite2004 saidI think it's time the two of you sit down and have the "talk." If it's bothering you now, it's only going to get worse the longer you sit on it. Just ask him if he's open to the idea of dating. It doesn't have to be serious and heavy, and it's less likely to scare him away.
  
  I think that's the problem with so many FWB situations. It's great in theory but one person almost inevitably develop attachments.

  
  
  yeah i'm just scared to have the talk cuz of the guy he effed over before. Plus, he's always pointing out guys that he thinks are hot and are his type and im like the complete opposite...

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  Dec 14, 2010 12:17 AM GMT

  You probably already realize this. But if you're not his type, then it's only a matter of time before he finds somebody else who is and moves on.
  
  Ultimately, you have to ask yourself if you're happy with the current FWB situation or if you're looking for more. If you pick the latter, then I think it's better to tell him. Worst scenario is that he drops you, in which case you cut your losses and find somebody else who can give you what you're looking for. There will be pain, but not as much as if you let these feelings continue to brew.

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  Dec 14, 2010 9:55 AM GMT

  If he keeps telling you how hot the other guys are knowing that it irks you, he's trying to get the rise out of you to say the least. He's manipulative. And from his past history, I say he's pretty much manipulative.
  
  It's late to say don't fall for him coz you already did.
  
  Playing his game won't work because he will recognize that you are playing his game and smirk.
  
  Remember guys want what they can't have. So, break up with him, the benefits part i mean.
  
  You don't need to explain to him why you are doing this. You owe no explanation since you guys are just FWB, right? So, don't explain anything to him. Just cut the benefits part all of a sudden.
  
  He will be confused just like he's trying to make you confused now.
  
  Don't fall into the trap of being a notch on his bed post as he has done with other guys. You obviously don't want that and don't want to be seen needy, right?
  
  After he has "lost" his benefits, he will soon realize how much you are worth to him. He will start treating you with respect, at least, not irk you by talking about other guys.
  
  Good luck and let me know how it goes.

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  Dec 14, 2010 10:07 AM GMT

  FWB's are a tricky thing. It takes finesse and experience to make them work for the long haul.
  If you're the type to get really attached to people you're sexing, it's probably not the best arrangement for you.

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  Dec 14, 2010 10:32 AM GMT

  Friends with benefits can be a great thing but it can turn rather terrible when one of the fwb becomes emotionally or romantically involved.
  
  Decide what you want from the "relationship" and be honest and open with the other party.
  You need to be honest and open with yourself too and realise that if you have become emotionally attached that it is not going to go away and only get stronger as you go along.
  
  If he decides to not continue with your arrangments, then accept it and move on.
  
  Not everyone wants a relationship.
  
  All the best.
  
  

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  Dec 14, 2010 11:06 AM GMT

  Umm well you moved so you no longer get a say in it really

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  Dec 14, 2010 11:19 AM GMT

  Do you have a flag?

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  Dec 14, 2010 11:20 AM GMT

  bad_wolf saidDo you have a flag?

  
  
  NO FLAG NO COUNTRY CANT HAVE ONE!!!!
  
  

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  Dec 14, 2010 11:31 AM GMT

  Precisely! Make your claim and mark out territory or someone else will take him before you. Do you want him? To be yours and yours only?

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  Dec 14, 2010 11:38 AM GMT

  bad_wolf saidPrecisely! Make your claim and mark out territory or someone else will take him before you. Do you want him? To be yours and yours only?

  
  
  its not that simple though babe... people have mines of their own about whose flag pole they want to have stuck in them

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  Dec 14, 2010 11:46 AM GMT

  And he won't even consider your flag pole unless you let him know you want to plant it in his hole.

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  Dec 14, 2010 12:15 PM GMT

  I think its time for you to search for other guys. Seriously.....fwb is one thing but it looks like he's not on the same page as you...Maybe its way of trying to get out and while the sex maybe good, its not the be end all for him.
  
  So time to sit down and have a frank discussion.
  
  You can
  
  A. Stop the fwb cold turkey and simply be close friends
  
  B. Formally date.
  
  C. Part Ways without any long lasting bitterness.

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  Dec 14, 2010 1:10 PM GMT

  I think it's best to let it go.
  Clearly he doesn't want anything more, and you still sleeping with him will eventually make it harder for you when he doesn't want to anymore (if he finds someone).
  
  Not to sound condescending in any way but you deserve better, and if he ain't gonna give it, better not to waste your time and use it finding someone who will reciprocate.
  
  The worst things is to wait for him and be left with nothing. If he's mature, I'm sure you can just go back to being friends, but I think you really should develop a clear cut line as to what constitutes a close friend and someone who means more to you.
  That's why generally I don't think FWB is a good idea, I'm not trying to be judgmental, to each their own, but that's just my advice.
  
  Hope everything works out for you.

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  Dec 14, 2010 1:10 PM GMT

  Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

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  Dec 14, 2010 2:10 PM GMT

  hard knox for sure... and def high risk for complexity...
  
  i would think the two of you are not dating.... because he just does not want that. however, he could also think you don't want that either, especially if you've never let him know otherwise....
  
  the major options i see are:
  
  1. keep going as is and risk growing more attached only for him to find someone else (especially since you live in different cities not to mention SF)
  
  2. you focus on the friendship and stop getting naked together and go get laid by someone else to start a detachment process
  
  3. tell him how you really feel. id suggest the tricky part is 'how' to tell him. in person which many would advocate, becomes complex because he may feel pressured to give an immediate response. over the phone can be effective, but also might add pressure as well. write an email or letter. for me, i would do an email... its more casual, less romantic and will allow him time to digest and work through a response.
  
  -then just lay out VERY briefly that you value the friendship and you would like to consider taking it a step forward. stay away from all the i love you and ive fallen hard for you, etc stuff (sorry romantics!) Tell him no reply is necessary, but ask if he is open to considering it, or has any similar feelings to let you know. and end your email/letter as a best friend and not a potential romantic partner... "see you when i see you dude!"
  
  -then let it go. ball is in his court now.
  
  without knowing his personality or likes/dislikes you should consider which approach he likely to be more receptive to and open to being honest (person, phone, email).
  
  even though it would totally suck, if you told him how you feel and he runs and changes the friendship, then what kind of friend is he really? if he is actually a friend and he is mature and willing to work through the issue to maintain the friendship, then you know you really have a friend. (i suppose in the end... youre asking him to give you insight into how much he values to the friendship...)
  
  talk about walking the plank... grow some nuts, tell him and move forward
  
  K.I.S.S.

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  Dec 14, 2010 2:49 PM GMT

  A combination what has come before me:
  
  Tell him you need to stop having sex with him b/c your feelings for him are on the edge of being more than FWB but that you really hope to remain friends.
  
  And as many others have said - do not ask for any response. Just make a statement and don't leave any open ended statements like "unless you want more too."' That stuff is obvious and you don't want to corner a mean dog.

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• tuffguyndc
  
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  Dec 14, 2010 3:00 PM GMT

  [quote][cite]jrocksang said[/cite]hey guys,
  
  This has been sitting on me for a while so I thought i'd ask you all for some advice and get some perspective.
  
  Pretty much I'm fucking one of my best friends. We met on a4a - started as just hook up buddies, but somehow in the last year, it slowly developed into us becoming really good friends and him telling me that i'm one of the people that he opens up to most. Problem is, we're still having sex. So we're pretty much best friends that have sex which begs the question....why aren't we dating?
  well buddy, i think you may have answered your own question. i think you should tell him how you feel but tell him that you two can not have sex anymore because it just makes things harder for you. i think he has already stated that he does not want to be anything but friends. plus, he has a history of doing this so i think you should consider yourself as one them too. dude, i think you should tell and let him know you can not have sex with him anymore.

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  Dec 14, 2010 3:02 PM GMT

  jrocksang said

  Vancouverite2004 saidI think it's time the two of you sit down and have the "talk." If it's bothering you now, it's only going to get worse the longer you sit on it. Just ask him if he's open to the idea of dating. It doesn't have to be serious and heavy, and it's less likely to scare him away.
  
  I think that's the problem with so many FWB situations. It's great in theory but one person almost inevitably develop attachments.

  
  
  yeah i'm just scared to have the talk cuz of the guy he effed over before. Plus, he's always pointing out guys that he thinks are hot and are his type and im like the complete opposite...

  
  
  i missed this post.. in this case.... either be willing to let him go completely and tell him how you feel or stop the sex

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  Dec 14, 2010 3:25 PM GMT

  Dude....He wants to play...you were willing...most likely if you bring it up your out too....So you got a decision to make...do you still want to play or lose what you got right?....Others on here may bullshit ya on this but that's the reality.....BUD

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  Dec 15, 2010 5:58 PM GMT

  The way you not so respectfully said that "you're fucking your friend"
  that sums up how you really feel about that person....
  So, like I always say..bust em leave em'.
  A hookup doesn't lead to anything more.
  Guys like wasting your time and pretending to be something their not.

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• rnch
  
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  Dec 15, 2010 6:06 PM GMT

  my bf of almost 3 years and I started off intending to have a "FB/FWB" relationship...we had both ended a bad relationship and wanted only occassional sex with someone we felt compatable with.
  
  after the third time in bed together i knew that just wasn't going to happen. i wanted more from him.
  
  lucky for me, he was thinking/feeling the same thing.
  
  
  
  
  
  

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  Dec 15, 2010 6:07 PM GMT

  Interesting how all these "dilemmas" always come from pictureless profiles.

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  Dec 15, 2010 6:39 PM GMT

  Sometimes it's members in disguise owww!!

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