Have you learnt the hard way towards a relationship?

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    Jun 15, 2007 9:31 PM GMT
    I want to share the first relationship i had with all of you. I was 21 and he was 30. We met for coffee and all looked really good; i felt the spark instantly.

    I didn't know about drugs but after a couple of months in our relationship i saw a line on the counter in the kitchen. I asked him what it was, and he said it was coke. At that point i felt really stupid; i know i must of been blind by love for not seeing he was a drug addict...i thought i trusted him and i thought we could have a decent communication in the relationship but after that i saw that we were way off.

    When i moved to city, i told myself i wasn't going there for relationships and in a drug free environment...we'll it didnt' take long before all of what i didn't want...happened!

    I didn't know what to do, i loved the guy, he was my world yet my trust for him decreased with time since i felt he was cheating with his drugs...like he would go for the drugs before me...and that hurt :(

    Another thing i had in mind, if he was vulnerable with drugs, would he be vulnerable if another guy came to him and wanted a good fuck...would he do that is what i thought...i couldn't trust him, i just couldn't but i still loved the guy.

    He was 6'1 225 lbs and making him angry was the last thing on my mind since there are times he would scare the hell out of me.

    One day i walked to his apartment and told him i wanted to know what kind of world he was in, i needed to know. So i tried the drugs he was using. Small frame here didn't take a lot to feel it...but the world i was in felt great; everything was perfect and forgotten about every worry.

    When he realized that i was going back for some since i was hooked on it...he pushed me and sent me home. I am thank God today he did that since i was truly enjoying...no doubt in my mind that i'd be the first one dead.

    After a year of drugs around me, i took his car keys and dragged his 225 pound body to the rehab...i gave him a choice...Rehab, or the single life to death.

    Luckily he took the rehab. He stayed there for 7 weeks then was released. I was there every step of the way for him.

    You got to remember that i did not expect this kind of life coming..i was 21 that moved to Toronto, i had two jobs and i paid for everything including for him...his gas, food, even for his stupid drugs.

    I felt empty..but i still loved him...i don't know why!

    Once he was sober, triggers got him, and he had to stay away of those triggers...but we met when he was high, so of course i was a trigger.

    I saved his life, yet i'd be the one getting the yelling, mental and physical abuse; yet i still loved him. Don't get me wrong, we have had good times, but it seemed like the bad took over.

    There were times i was scared to call him, i was afraid.

    One day, we were both in my appartment and before going to bed i wanted to make love, he didn't feel like it...ok...so i went to bed.

    I woke up around 1am and noticed he wasn't in bed. I got up and found him in the living room jerking off from a porn film. I argued with him that it wasn't fair and he didn't care about me...He was humiliated, grabbed me by the neck, thrown me across the room slapped me around, i got up again and pushed me to the wall but I hit my head on the metal coat hook; my body was weak, i felt empty, he picked me up and threw me outside in minus 20 weather in my boxers and slippers.

    Locked the doors and kept me outside for 15 minutes...

    This was MY appartment, that i paid yet i was locked out.

    Once he opened the door, he had the courage to ask me "Are you okay?"

    I didn't recognize him...

    The next day i called my sister and asked to pick me up...after a couple of trips i have moved out.

    Our relationship last for almost 3 years

    Now my question is this....

    Do you think this guy was sent an angel to bring him back on his feet? Save his life then break up...

    2 years later, he's now in another relationship and a professional career...doing extremely good. He's back on his feet now and i know he used to tell me when his life got back on track and money was coming in...he would say..."I wish you were here to enjoy this life".

    Even though this guy hurt me in every angle, i still love the guy but i'm not in love with him, this part stays in the past.

    Since then i've been really skeptical towards relationships since i won't allow anyone hurting me again...

    So have you learnt the hard way towards a relationship?

    Thank you for reading this far :)
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    Jun 15, 2007 10:40 PM GMT
    I had a somewhat similar relationship that lasted 6 months, and after it was over, I moved back in with my wife and haven't had a boyfriend in the 11 years since then.

    My bf and I got together when we were both active alcoholics. I then sobered up, and his drinking became my problem in a major way because he's a mean drunk. (I'm a goofy silly happy drunk.) I told him I was breaking up with him on a Wednesday. He called me on Friday to tell me that he'd quit drinking the day before, and I spent the entire weekend with a detoxing drunk whose medical condition was so serious he should have been in a hospital. I finally got him into a treatment center on Monday, and he did sober up. But, the relationship didn't last much longer. It wasn't long after our breakup that he went back to drinking.

    He was a cute, skinny, 26yo English boy, and when he wasn't drunk, the sex was incredible. But, the day to day existence with him was hell. Remaining married to my wife is certainly a compromise, but I get to live with a great companion in a house filled with laughter, loud music, and kitties. There is so much that is right about this marriage that it's just not worth it to me to end it in hopes of finding a similar situation with a man.
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    Jun 16, 2007 1:36 AM GMT
    Wow! What an experience! Well, when you love someone, you go all the way to make it work. But sometimes, the other party self-destructs. Also, there can be NO toleration of any kind of ABUSE in a relationship. NO matter how much love, there can be no abuse.
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    Jun 16, 2007 3:07 AM GMT
    I don't know if you will get the chance to read this, but your story is very touching. I wish I could meet a guy like you! People like you seriously deserve to be treated with the highest respects and treated like angels. I had an amazing boyfriend for a year and I screwed everything up for us. He was just like you, he would put up with all of my stupid things and now that I don't have him anymore, I realize what a Loss I have. Don't give up on relationships, just be smarter and hope for the best in the future.
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    Jun 16, 2007 3:18 AM GMT
    Thanks for reading and commenting on my story Jay. I do believe i'm a great guy to be with, and once you get to know me, you'd pee in your pants after laughing so hard lol....

    It was hard to keep a real smile for this relationship but today, i don't regret anything; all this happened for a reason and i've learned from it. :)

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 16, 2007 2:54 PM GMT
    Very happy you're done and out of this relationship...but I still can hear some residual yearning for this guy which worries me
    The mistake you made is you stayed with this man when he was in active addiction....drugs alcohol or whatever
    Once someone had made the choice of chemicals or anything addictive-wise they become immediately unable to maintain ANY relationship
    EVERYTHING in their lives becomes focused on continuing that addictive behavior
    sorry you had to go thru that but hopefully you learned a hard fought lesson to recognize and never put yourself into that position again
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    Jun 16, 2007 6:16 PM GMT
    Thanks GQ, you are absolutely right; i made the wrong decision by staying with him while he was using. But at the time, i didn't know anyone else since the city was still strange to me and i know it sounds weird but i thought i loved the guy so much that maybe i could help him out.

    Granted this is in the past but i don't regret anything, I forgave him for the things he's done since i back then i wasn't dating the guy, i was dating the drugs and i know sometimes he would think about the things he's done to me and feel really bad.

    He's the one that put himself in this situation by consuming drugs in the first place so he did learn big lessons that almost killed him, and for sure someone would've found him dead if i wasn't there to pick his ass up.

    I know today, i stay away of people like that and i am not as vulnerable anymore; i'm educated about these things and i know the signs.

    I know he's having a good life, and I am doing extremely well myself. :) Thanks for reply to my story GQ.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 16, 2007 7:25 PM GMT
    Don't let not knowing anyone in whatever city you're in ...or not having enough money...or not wanting your family to know or any other excuse allow you to stay in an obviously dangerous situation
    You are the only person who is directly responsible for your safety and well-being
    ...it's not selfish to look out for your own interests
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jun 17, 2007 1:00 AM GMT
    I have heard it said...

    People come into our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime...and we are lead to those who help us most to grow and we help them in return...

    Universal messages for him, you, and all of us, really...

    I have never seen a relationship survive when drugs are actively being used...never...my own included...

    Learning the hard way?...everyday...with everything...and sometimes, that's just exhausting...but, in hindsight [the most ironic force in the universe]...I simply wouldn't be the person I am today [which I like] if I hadn't been faced with those lessons...and had the courage to learn from them...

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    - David
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    Jun 17, 2007 1:31 AM GMT
    I agree with you David, and i feel the same. If i hadn't gone through these lessons, not only for relationships but others in general i wouldn't be who i am today...thanks for reading my story :)

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    Jun 17, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    What a story, sexydude25.

    I'm struck by reading what you wrote from behind plate glass. I am thankful I never experienced anything like what you describe, but nor could I.

    I want to combine that observation with what dfrourke said in another thread, regarding his own management of some of these issues.

    I'll just state this as a fact...you guys, and most on this site, are outrageously good looking and built. Those of us who are less fortunate (seriously) often view this as a mere handicap (for us). I often view you "guys" as being on another planet, and the rest of us get only to watch with envy.

    I feel like I have to fight for friendships, relationships, against competition I can never hope to match. Yet, even those of you who are so fortunate to be blessed with such good looks are faced with so many choices, perhaps easy ones at the surface, I don't know...it's understandable you'd make the wrong one.

    Especially at such a young age...you were only a kid, sexydude25...21 is just a kid. He was older than the nine years difference...that's a huge gulf. Who can blame you for the choice you made, I wouldn't.

    But you sound like you learned a lot from this horrible experience. And it sounds like you have bounced back admirably. This is a good story for all of us to hear. Thanks for sharing it with us.
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    Jun 17, 2007 7:03 AM GMT
    Thanks for reading my story fastproof and many thanks for the cool support although you are right, i did learn a lot from it.

    Like I said, if you're able to forgive what happened and forgive yourself from making wrong decisions which i think was the right one since it saved his life. Well, i supported him to save his own life; he made the choice to change and i'm sure if i wasn't by his side back then things would've been different i believe.

    Once you forgive; you can move on and that's what i'm doing.

    And continue walking straight with your head up high since there is always someone special in our forecast regardless of the looks and age. Some may take awhile before finding that person, even good looking people have a hard time to find that special someone.

    Some have great looks yet hard to talk too since they are full of themselves.

    Hope all is well,
  • UStriathlete

    Posts: 320

    Jun 18, 2007 2:59 AM GMT
    good story...sexydude25
    seems you have learnt from it. Ever watch "the secert"? we do attract what we project,even when we don't think we do, subconsicously we do. personally i have attracted depressive, addictive and emotional unavailble men, in the past. That is what I knew from growing up with my parents; mum was depressive, low self esteem and Dad was an alcoholic and emotionaly unavailble, myself esteem was low from that. So i have repicated it several times over in relationships, intimate and socially. I know NOW ,i'm very worthy of another healthy, stable and available person in my life. I needed to change FIRST, not them. Read Joe Kort's books on relationships too. Really made sense to me. Another good read is Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss MD. Like what Dr. Robin said on her XM radio show, "relationships are a continuation of un finished buisness of our childhood." made sense to me. Also Haville Hendrix books, "receiving the love you deserve" is a good on too.
    harmony & balance/Everything does happen for a reason: Good or Bad.
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    Jun 20, 2007 12:54 PM GMT
    I have a best friend . He was into a relationship with this younger guy . This guy is so possesive of him , that he insist to know every thing that he do, how he spend his money even accusive him for making him gay. He dont allow him to keep any friend that he dont approve off. He need constant attention 24/7 , not really interested go to work and required full financial support . This younger fellow is a boy builder so all his expensive supplement , protein and gym membership have to be supported by my friend.

    Despite all this my friend cannot leave him. He told me that this guy have blackmail him, that he will tell his employer that he is gay and ruin his reputation. He even have told him he will beat him up if he try to leave him.

    My friend also told me that he no longer love this younger fellow and dont even enjoy having sex with him anymore. He is really playing a role of "servicing" in order to sexually satisfying this younger fellow. They been together nearly 5 years now and still he dont have a gut to leave him.

    Consider yourself lucky for escaping this nightmare unhurt!!!
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    Jun 20, 2007 12:56 PM GMT
    sorry for the typo,
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    Jun 22, 2007 3:48 AM GMT
    sexydude25>If i hadn't gone through these lessons, not only for relationships but others in general i wouldn't be who i am today...

    Well, as Nietzsche wrote, "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

    From your story, I'm not sure if you posted this as a "warning" for others to learn from or if you are still struggling with this?

    As another saying goes:

    Smart people learn from their mistakes.
    Smarter people learn from the mistakes of others.

    Anyhow, whereas I can't claim I went through anything like you did, I did come out into a 2.5 year relationship with a guy 3 years older. He was hot, smart and had the answer to everything. Just what a scared, closeted, recent college graduate like me needed.

    We started going out right around New Year's, and his resolution was to stop smoking pot (because even he realized he was smoking too much). Just what an innocent midwestern boy like me wanted, and I didn't even have to ask or say anything. (Me? I never inhaled, not even when my uncle - who later died of emphysema - offered me a puff of his cigarette. I was 8 at the time and it never occured to me that I was supposed to inhale smoke. The pyro in me just exhaled and was pleased to see the tip glow red).

    In November, 2 months after we moved in together, I found out that the resolution wasn't "permanent" and he was smoking again. Worse yet, he had many friends who were rather shady. He was a good influence on them, talking them out of doing things like vandalizing churches, but nonetheless not the people I wanted around the house. After some discussion and being broken up for a week, he chose me over drugs.

    Until about a year later. Then another half year, at which point we broke up.

    That was rough. I was gay and single for the first time. Neither of us could afford to move out. I realized I didn't even have my own friends - almost all were people I met through him (and, not coincidentally, I came out shortly after my 3 best straight friends graduated and left town and, shamefully, I still haven't come out to them - though I only see 1 and he knows anyhow).

    I had no one to talk to. Not even my family, who I had only recently come out to. I didn't even tell them we had broken up for about a month.

    I kept thinking, hoping yet fearing, that he would wise up and that we would get back together. He started seeing other people. That also hurt. I didn't.

    About 5 months later the lease ended, we both moved out, and I started putting my life back together. It took about a year and a half for me to get over him (I'm kinda slow that way).

    In retrospect, though, I was way better off. I learned. I made my own friends. I matured and grew. I got a life.

    Especially for someone as uncompromising as myself, it's not easy finding the "perfect" guy. Over the years that followed I met some great guys, even dated a few for 3 or 9 months. Then I met the guy I've been with for the past 12 years... and counting.

    So I'm seconding what I think sexydude is saying. If one is in a bad relationship, get out. Don't let your fear of being single, of never loving anyone else again (feh, I remember thinking that) trap you in a bad situation.

    On the other hand, if you are in a relationship that is mostly good, don't run out at the first sign of trouble just because there aren't any kids or legal hurdles (divorce). Matt and I went through a bad period 4 years ago, but we worked through it (even with a little professional help). It takes work to maintain even a good relationshiop (which is why so many end once the "honeymoon" is over).

    OK, to close this, I do see my ex once or twice a year. He'll always have a special place in my heart, but it's hard to see him and realize that, even so many years later, he's still pretty much where he was back then.