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Mar 28, 2008 8:13 PM GMT

There's a woman who walks into a job interview exuding confidence. She looks like she know's she could get this job without even coming to the interview.

But there's a mound of clothes in her bedroom at home she had to try on before leaving, because she doesn't have enough faith in herself.

There's a guy with a picture on his profile that flies in the face of society. Middle finger up, he seems to be declaring that he doesn't give a fuck what people have to say.

But no one can see the millions of pictures he had to take to get that one perfect picture.

And there's a girl working a part-time job and going to school full-time. She's studying to become a doctor.

She's miserable and hates the path she's forging in life, but at least everyone else will respect her.

***

Why does it seem to be human nature to care so much about what others think? Why does our very existence only seem to be validated when others say it is?

Is it really such a stretch to take the reigns of your own life and search for what makes you happy?

I'm beginning to believe you can't do this and please people too; it's one or the other.

So why the hell would you sacrifice happiness just to please other people?

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Mar 28, 2008 8:17 PM GMT

robaroma said Survival.

So you will cease to exist if you're not pleasing others...?

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Mar 28, 2008 8:22 PM GMT

Human beings are very social creatures, but I am not sure all people care equally what others think. I care if others think I am being insensitive or a jerk. Another words am I negatively impacting on them?

But I don't worry too much if they don't like my haircut, my taste in music, my fashion sense or my political views.

If a person is obsessing about every part of their behaviour and whether others approve of it then they likely have low self-esteem.

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Mar 28, 2008 8:27 PM GMT

jbedwards saidHuman beings are very social creatures, but I am not sure all people care equally what others think. I care if others think I am being insensitive or a jerk. Another words am I negatively impacting on them?

But I don't worry too much if they don't like my haircut, my taste in music, my fashion sense or my political views.

If a person is obsessing about every part of their behaviour and whether others approve of it then they likely have low self-esteem.

I'm beginning to believe there are two types of people in this world:

Those who care about what others thing.

And those who are pretending they don't.

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Mar 28, 2008 8:29 PM GMT

What I don't understand is the need to over-analyze everything that is said and done nowadays.

When did caring what others think of you become a bad thing? What's so bad about that women trying on 20 different outfits to make sure she finds the perfect one for an interview? An interview is there for employers to find out who is the best for the job. She's exuding the confidence cause she knows her stuff and knows that she looks like she knows her stuff, thanks to some careful planning on her part regarding the outfit.

Those millions of pictures is what it took because he cares that everyone thinks that he doesn't. A rebel 'I don't care what people think of me' attitude is as put on as 'I want everyone to like me' attitude.

It's human nature, we're social by nature.

Why does it have to be analyzed?

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Mar 28, 2008 8:32 PM GMT

We all care to a certain extent, but like I said it really is a matter of degree. I also believe it varies on the extraversion/introversion personality trait scale. Introverts probably care a bit less about what others think then extraverts.

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Mar 28, 2008 8:36 PM GMT

ShawnTO saidWhat I don't understand is the need to over-analyze everything that is said and done nowadays.

When did caring what others think of you become a bad thing? What's so bad about that women trying on 20 different outfits to make sure she finds the perfect one for an interview? An interview is there for employers to find out who is the best for the job. She's exuding the confidence cause she knows her stuff and knows that she looks like she knows her stuff, thanks to some careful planning on her part regarding the outfit.

Those millions of pictures is what it took because he cares that everyone thinks that he doesn't. A rebel 'I don't care what people think of me' attitude is as put on as 'I want everyone to like me' attitude.

It's human nature, we're social by nature.

Why does it have to be analyzed?

I don't think it needs to be analyzed as much as it needs to be duly noted.

If your happiness comes from others, you'll never be happy.

There's probably a reason depression is so commonly diagnosed these days. We're living in a society that not only encourages but almost requires that you be impressing other people.

We're all skin and bones on a ball of dirt. We're all playing this game of life together. How is my life somehow bettered by impressing someone else?

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Mar 28, 2008 8:53 PM GMT

Aaron_Matthew said[quote]
How is my life somehow bettered by impressing someone else?

Well, still using the interview as an example, if you didn't need or want that job, you wouldn't have been there in the first place. So you impress the interviewers and get the job. There...your life has been bettered.

You can't tell me that being congratulated on a job well done doesn't make you happy. Whether it's in your career, on a sports team, whatever, being acknowledged for your strengths and skills is important, and it has nothing to do with a need to impress.

It has to do with the rightful acknowledgement you deserve when you put all of yourself into something you're passionate about.

You tend to think that there are two types of people in this world: those who care what others think of them, and those who pretend they don't care what others think of them. That's a pretty narrow, black and white view of the world.

Building confidence starts at a very young age, we're celebrated when we learn to walk, talk, almost everything we do when it's the first time. So say, for the most part, as adults we're confident by nature. The praise we receive isn't needed to make ourselves feel good about ourselves, we already do. But it does push us to do greater things, it gives us drive to exceed our own perceived limits. I can think I've done all I can, that I'm at the top of my game, but someone else sees in me the potential to do so much more, and with a little encouragement I push myself to exceed the limits I've placed on myself.

So for me, what people think of me is not the one defining factor in determining how I feel about myself, but It's a tool I utilize to ensure I can be the best person I can be.

Ok, enough deep thoughts for one day. Do you think the guy above you is hot?

Hehe, just joking.

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Mar 28, 2008 8:57 PM GMT

Well, Aaron_Matthew, to answer one of your questions: as long as other peoples' feeding into my own happiness makes me happy, I'm happy. Ultimately, I don't care why I'm happy or how I get happy, so long as I'm happy.

It's like the old question of whether feeling better after you take a pill is a result of the pill or the placebo effect: either way, I'm satisfied with the result.

Happy?

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Mar 28, 2008 8:58 PM GMT

zdrew78 saidWell, Aaron_Matthew, to answer one of your questions: as long as other peoples' feeding into my own happiness makes me happy, I'm happy. Ultimately, I don't care why I'm happy or how I get happy, so long as I'm happy.

It's like the old question of whether feeling better after you take a pill is a result of the pill or the placebo effect: either way, I'm satisfied with the result.

Happy?

I'd be happy if you shared the pills.

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Mar 28, 2008 9:01 PM GMT

ShawnTO said[quote][cite]zdrew78 said[/cite]Well, Aaron_Matthew, to answer one of your questions: as long as other peoples' feeding into my own happiness makes me happy, I'm happy. Ultimately, I don't care why I'm happy or how I get happy, so long as I'm happy.

It's like the old question of whether feeling better after you take a pill is a result of the pill or the placebo effect: either way, I'm satisfied with the result.

Happy?

I'd be happy if you shared the pills.

[/quote]

If that makes you happy enough to like and validate me and therefore make me happy, I'm happy to share.

By the way, I destroyed my bedroom closet this morning picking out something to wear. I look good today, to me at least. And I feel unabashedly good about it.

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Mar 28, 2008 9:03 PM GMT

zdrew78 said[quote][cite]ShawnTO said[/cite][quote][cite]zdrew78 said[/cite]Well, Aaron_Matthew, to answer one of your questions: as long as other peoples' feeding into my own happiness makes me happy, I'm happy. Ultimately, I don't care why I'm happy or how I get happy, so long as I'm happy.

It's like the old question of whether feeling better after you take a pill is a result of the pill or the placebo effect: either way, I'm satisfied with the result.

Happy?

I'd be happy if you shared the pills.

[/quote]

If that makes you happy enough to like and validate me and therefore make me happy, I'm happy to share.

By the way, I destroyed my bedroom closet this morning picking out something to wear. I look good today, to me at least. And I feel unabashedly good about it.

[/quote]

That's the only way I'll like and validate you zDrew. Remember, you did threaten to do damage to my knees, hehe.

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Mar 28, 2008 9:11 PM GMT

Shawn, I'll stay off the streets if you'll stay out of the leopard print...see? We're all happy.

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Mar 28, 2008 9:20 PM GMT

That's a promise.

Right now I'm reclining on a zebra print pillow with a jaguar print blanket over my legs. Is that ok?

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Mar 28, 2008 9:20 PM GMT

ShawnTO, I agree we have a tendency to over analyze human behaviour. I blame Oprah and Dr. Phil

I also have a psychology background and Aaron is in training I believe.

The example of the woman going to the job interview isn't necessarily the best one. Obviously in that situation it would be counterproductive not to worry about how she presents herself. If she was like that every day before work then that would be a different issue.

I am sure we all have known people who are hopelessly neurotic about worrying what others think of them. Those people are the ones I was thinking about in terms of low self-esteem.

And yes all the guys participating in this forum topic are sexy (except for your humble correspondent), and smart (which is sexy in itself).

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Mar 28, 2008 10:26 PM GMT

To build off the above arguments, I submit this: it isn't basing our happiness on the perceptions of others that is ultimately destructive, it's basing our self esteem on the perceptions of others that can be destructive. It makes me happy that Shawn wants to make me happy...but if he didn't, it wouldn't devastate my worldview and destroy my life, because my self esteem isn't based solely upon pleasing others.

While basing our happiness on the perceptions of others doesn't lead to unhappiness, over-analyzing the way others perceive us does. At least in my little ol' opinion.

And speaking of self esteem, yes, y'all are bangin'. You included, humble jbedwards.

And by the way, Shawn...so long as my brand new tiger-print Aussiebum trunks don't bother you, your jaguar-print blanket doesn't offend me.

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Mar 28, 2008 10:46 PM GMT

zdrew78 said

And by the way, Shawn...so long as my brand new tiger-print Aussiebum trunks don't bother you, your jaguar-print blanket doesn't offend me.

I really won't be able to determine that until I see some pics. Close-up and full body shots will be required.

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Mar 28, 2008 10:53 PM GMT

reminds me of myself. I came to the state for my mother, i wanted to say back. I work my butt off night and day, studying, working, i was pushed into going into finance accounting. Now that i am in it, i love it, and i enjoy it. But to say the least, i am not happy. BUT its good to graduate in, it generates good money, and everyone else is happy.

If it were up to me, i would go to cali, major in marketing or really follow my dream and become a professional dancer

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Mar 29, 2008 12:58 AM GMT

Don't be something you're not to appease the people around you. Be who you are and you'll attract those that will like you for you.

There might not be as many people as before, but what's the point of trying to please people? I've found that I prefer to have 2-3 very good friends as opposed to 40 acquaintances who only like your surface.

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Mar 29, 2008 1:00 AM GMT

Moudi saidreminds me of myself. I came to the state for my mother, i wanted to say back. I work my butt off night and day, studying, working, i was pushed into going into finance accounting. Now that i am in it, i love it, and i enjoy it. But to say the least, i am not happy. BUT its good to graduate in, it generates good money, and everyone else is happy.

If it were up to me, i would go to cali, major in marketing or really follow my dream and become a professional dancer

Follow your dream. As long as you are making enough to live comfortably, isn't that enough? And I don't see why you couldn't do that by moving to CA, majoring in marketing, and becoming a professional dancer.

Squarejaw

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Mar 29, 2008 3:43 AM GMT

I find evolutionary psychology fascinating, though I don't really know if it holds water. So here's a theory I pulled out of my ass.

Caring about what other people think makes it easier to live in a society. It reduces friction and encourages us to take each others' needs into account instead of just killing anyone who opposes our wishes.

Individuals who lived in social groups have better survival rates and are better able to care for their kids, and thus are more likely to see their genes passed down through future generations.

Therefore, caring about what others think is a trait that evolution has encouraged. Of course, evolution is a pretty blunt instrument, so some of us care too much for our own happiness and others too little. But only sociopaths don't care at all, and they're generally removed from society.

I have no evidence or data. But it's an interesting idea.

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Mar 29, 2008 3:50 AM GMT

Maybe you could show someone how they could please you... I don't think it would be much of an issue after that

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Mar 29, 2008 7:07 AM GMT

Aaron_Matthew saidI'm beginning to believe there are two types of people in this world:

Those who care about what others thing.

And those who are pretending they don't.

That's a little too black-and-white, which most of us are not. I don't care what people think about some things, and I care very much what they think about others.

I care what they think about my manners.
I don't care what they think about my fashion sense.
I care what they think about my communications, written or verbal.
I don't care what they think about my politics.
I care very much what they think of my character.
I don't care at all what they think about my taste in music, books, movies, or boyfriends.

I love "high" culture, but I also enjoy grossing people out (a small talent, but worthwhile). I don't care what they think about either of those things.

Well, you get the idea.

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Mar 29, 2008 9:26 AM GMT

Realy we try to please others because we want to get attention from them for one reason or another.

Usually we like their look or behaviour, its nature.

Look at the birds when they mate they flutter their feathers and do their dance.

I think we are just like animals and want to impress the once we like and want to be with.

But is it nessessary ofcoarse not we should attract if our characters and behaviour mix.

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Mar 29, 2008 10:37 AM GMT

Despite the frightening cover, this is an awesome read:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Are-We-Live-Self-Interest/dp/0879759666/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206785571&sr=8-1

I highly recommend it to anyone that questions why they do what they do, or why others do what they do...

But be careful, you might want to quit your job and do something that doesn't involve buying, selling or trading at the expense of others (not too many jobs out there that can say that!)

I believe that seeking validation depends alot on the way you were raised and the amount of independence given by your family. Kids constantly look for validation from their parents (until they become teens anyway), and it doesn't really go away... it just transfers to other social networks... friends, family members, neighbours.

Awareness of why you do things can be pretty enlightening... even more so if you have the courage to correct the less ethical decisions you are involved in.

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