What would you do?

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  Apr 13, 2008 11:39 AM GMT

  Ok, here is the rundown. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. He is out to his friends and family ( I have met both his brothers and his parents know about me). I am out to my friends but not my family (Family is very religious). My boyfriend has been very supportive but I can see the fact that I havent told my family weighing on him. Last night, we were at a club and I thought I saw one of my cousins (also gay) at a club. I kind of freaked out and avoided my cousin the whole night. My boyfriend got a little upset that I didnt even go up and say anything. I admit I have made no progress in coming out to my family, and I have chickened out everytime i planned on doing it. My boyfriend has been patient but I cant give him a precise time as to when I will come out with my family. Some of my friends say take my time and come out when im ready....my other friends say I need to tell them now. I dont want to ruin my relationship by not coming out to my family and I dont know if im completely ready to tell them. If you were my boyfriend or me.....What would you do?

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• GQjock
  
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  Apr 13, 2008 11:46 AM GMT

  It all depends on how much you like this guy
  If you really value this relationship you will validate it by coming out to your family and telling the truth about your life
  
  It's not easy to come out esp if you know that your family will have a problem with it
  but it's also unfair to your boyfriend to feel like he's has only a small part of you

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  Apr 13, 2008 11:54 AM GMT

  You are afraid of your families reaction. You don't mention any plan to overcome that fear. So, it sounds like you are never going to come out. Are you just waiting until one morning you wake up and the fear will be gone? I don't think it's going to work that way.
  
  You're family provides some social support for you which is important. Figure out what that is - they are there to help you if you are sick, if you lost your job you'd have a place to go if it resulted in you loosing your place, they give you a group to be with at holidays - whatever.
  Then figure out what you would do in those instances without them available to you.
  
  If you have enough friends who are gay who know your coming out, talk to them get confirmation from them verbally, that they will be there for you. That re-assurance will help dissipate the fear of disconnection from the family.
  
  If you're bf knows you have a plan and respects that he can't just be the only person who says 'Yes I will support you', he'll respect your reason for delay.
  
  By the way, does the family know about the gay cousin? If they didn't disown him, what are you afraid of?
  
  

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  Apr 13, 2008 12:00 PM GMT

  I did have a plan. In August I told my boyfriend I wanted to be out to my family by the time im 30. It is literally right around the corner. I want to come out to my twin brother first and I am pretty much waiting to ask me if im in a relationship so I can tell him. Im reaching....I know.
  
  My family knows about my cousin that is gay. He is in his 40's so they have known for a while...He didnt officially come out until his mom passed away a couple of years ago.

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  Apr 13, 2008 3:38 PM GMT

  Why is he so insistent that you do this? Is he thinking of you, or thinking of himself? I sympathize with you, having a hyper-religious family myself.
  
  People who are already out to their family and have the support of their family tend to be less sympathetic and often think if they did it, so can you without seeing that the situations are different.
  
  You probably do need to come out and the sooner the better. But it's not his place to pressure you (you said you are concerned about the relationship if you don't). You need to do it for yourself and only when you're ready.
  
  He needs to support you in that.

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  Apr 13, 2008 7:55 PM GMT

  Coming out should be about you. *
  
  Not a boyfriend.
  
  One of my exes was pushy about my outness. While I am glad I came out then, and weathered the results, I resented him for pushing me toward action on his timeline, not mine.
  
  
  
  
  
  *(Unless you're an evil Republican rights-denying fear monger.)

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  Apr 13, 2008 8:07 PM GMT

  RunintheCity saidI resented him for pushing me toward action on his timeline, not mine.

  
  
  I kind of pushed my first husband out of the closet. He wanted us to attend his nephew's bar mitzvah together, and I was to go just as "a friend". I told him that he could go alone, because if they thought of me just as a friend, they'd be pleasant to me and all but I would not be included in the family activities in any significant way, and that would be hurtful. I told him he didn't have to come out if he didn't want to, but I wouldn't be attending if he didn't.
  
  He came out, and everything was fine. The bar mitzvah was terrific, and all of his family loved me.
  
  THEM I miss.
  
  
  
  
  

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• liftordie
  
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  Apr 13, 2008 10:42 PM GMT

  U should come out for no one but U !! period. it is your decision and u are the one to have to deal with the ramifications both positive and negative. if he loves you then he will understand. if not...then trade and travel!!

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  Apr 13, 2008 11:49 PM GMT

  coming out should always be and will only be your choice. no matter who it is to ur coming out. eventhough ur boyfriend is a weighing factor why u should do it soon.. u should only do it for the fact that coming out means things will be better. ur family if they are religious as they are, will have their own judgements. ur boyfriend, even though he is patient, will always take a toll n the fact that ur not out to ur family?
  
  so i guess the question is what scenario will make u feel better? ur boyfriend's aggrevation to it or ur family not knowing who u really are?

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  Apr 19, 2008 2:27 PM GMT

  First, and foremost, you must come out to yourself, as mentioned in earlier postings. Know this sounds strange, but until you can be honest with yourself, you are living a lie, even if you are the only one that has suspicions to your 'unusual' sexual orientation.
  
  For myself, I 'dabbled' in gay experimentation in my early 30's then backed off from other guy's, esentially going back into a closet, which I had never left in the first place. I dated women, had sex with them, thried to convince myself that i was, in fact bi-sexual. That I was interested in sex, and how good it felt, the gender of my partner not mattering. I went this mindset until about two years ago, when i got my first computer and discovered a whole world of local gay men that wanted to meet me..and i did meet them. a lot of them. I came out to myself that I liked sex with other men. That I was, in fact, gay....but i kept it to myeself. The time just was not right for me,even though i was already over 50-
  
  Then a year ago, I met a special man and knew that I wanted him in my life, openly. No more sneaking around. No more lies. No more hiding the truth from those that I love and am closest to. I told my immediate family and they were loving and accepting of my sexuality. I told my closest friends, male and female, and they were accepting, also. I have not come out to all that I would like, but with time, I will. It is extremely difficult to strike up the courage to be totally honest with those closest to you..you never know how they will react. Now, knowing of my familie's love and support, I wish that I had come out years ago. But when I mention this, my boyfriend tells me that the time just hadn't been right, earlier.
  
  Hopefully, you will find the strength and courage to be honest and open with those that you love, but it must be done at your own pace and proper time. Hopefully, it won't take you 53 years to be honest, not only with yourself, but other's as well. It can make you stronger than you ever thought possible. After all, you have come to terms with your own needs and desires...and no one can ask more of you- unless it is the continuation of a lie-

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  Apr 19, 2008 2:32 PM GMT

  I agree with everyone on the fact that this should be about you and not him. But I can sympathize with him not wanting to feel like your dirty little secret.
  
  I have no idea what your coming out will be like, but I thought mine would be the end of the world and it was easily the most anti-climactic moment of my life. Nobody cared! I was more regretful for not doing it sooner.

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• GQjock
  
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  Apr 20, 2008 10:10 AM GMT

  You're right...
  Coming out IS about you
  
  But... Having a relationship is about sharing your life with someone else
  and by being closeted that way and denying who he is you're not doing that
  
  You don't have to come out but you're BF doesn't have to put up with that kind of behavior either

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  Apr 20, 2008 10:45 AM GMT

  There is no easy way in doing this man.
  
  You are gonna have to get it over with sooner or later. The longer you wait the harder it is going to be just like when you take a bad aid off....do it with a quick motion.
  
  What does this sort of action say about you? You might think it has no meaning or any effect but you would be mistaken. This sort of thing can have dire consequences that not only effect you but also those around you like your friends and famiily. Your family needs to know regardless of how you think they will react. Once it's done a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will feel better.
  
  Living a life of secrecy is not healthy. I don't know what reasons you have for not being open to your family but you should really ask yourself if you will be able to be happy with yourself if you continue keeping them in the dark. You have the option and so does your BF should he decide he's had enough and wants to make the decision for you and just leave.
  
  Are you comfortable?

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  Apr 20, 2008 11:07 AM GMT

  There are two separate issues here. The first is your timetable. You have to do it when you're ready. You must take into account whether there's anything more than fear preventing you. You have to determine if you're not coming out because of rationalizations.
  
  The other issue is your relationship with your boyfriend. jprichva makes the most salient point here. As long as one person in a couple isn't out to thier family, there will always be the a balancing act of whether the boyfriend or the family is more important. If you are not out to your family, and you are close and/or involved with them, your boyfriend will always be subjugated. This is destructive to any relationship. If you can't make the decision of who is going to get the greater focus, your boyfriend will decide for you. This is far less important if you're not close to your family at all.
  
  I've dealt with the issue of being second to the family and it's not a pretty picture. It won't happen to me again. Even after he came out, I was secondary (but that's another story entirely.)
  
  The incident with your cousin is the first time this sort of thing will get in the way of the relationship and there will be more. If you don't want to come out to your family and he does, then maybe you need to be with someone who's also not out to their family either. I know it sounds harsh. I'm not saying that you should just come out to your family, you need to be prepared for that. You just need to understand the consequences go beyond you when you are in a relationship and in the closet to your family.
  
  Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

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  Apr 20, 2008 11:24 AM GMT

  Look personly Im a person of logic...If My boyfriend was not out to his family I would not care, I cant force people nor make them come out, I was in a situation with a guy who would not come out...Because if he did its not like people would be like ok...They would be like "Son Ima pop a cap in your fagg ass" So I dont push or ask Its their responsabilty and only they are aware of the out comes and consequences To it. If you force some one, It can result In the chance the family disowns or even phisicly or mentaly abuses them. I have studied this enough...There is a point when You should come out, But if you are not ready DONT. Some times alittle push can help But making it happen or even telling them for you will end it all.
  
  some times...You dont come out to your family...A lie can be the only thing keeping the situation from tottal caos...
  
  My sentements lenne, I hope all works out for you and if you do your family accepts you.

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  Apr 20, 2008 1:47 PM GMT

  I agree with Lenne. If your man expects you to just fall on your sword for him, is he worth it? Can your boyfriend really appreciate your situation? Trust in your judgement. You know what's best for your circumstances. Your man should understand this and be accepting.
  
  

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• Timbales
  
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  Apr 20, 2008 2:01 PM GMT

  It's my opinion that you cannot have a good relationship without being out to your family.
  
  I can't understand the need to maintain a relationship with people you think will hate you if you reveal who you really are.

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