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RJ guys I need ur support on this one

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Apr 29, 2008 3:15 AM GMT

So heres the deal

I know that coming out of the closet is something that I should do.I have already come out to my friends, but I'm not sure I'm ready for my parents.

Now the question....

How am I supposed to know when it's the right time? I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but this is the only thing in my life that I have not been certain about.

Any advice on the matter will be greatly appreciated.

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Apr 29, 2008 3:20 AM GMT

I wish I could help you on this. But, I'm in the same situation as you. I'll anxiously await replies from the people who've gone through this - good and bad.

HndsmKansan

Posts: 16886

Apr 29, 2008 3:25 AM GMT

Well there are a couple of approaches.. 1) Just shock them by talking about it during a serious point and 2) Do a little homework about their views (which you probably already know)... hint around about it until it naturally leads into a discussion.

You didn't mention if you have a sibling or alternative family member that you could confide in first and get input. If so, I would do it. If not, follow what makes the most sense based on your family situation.

Finally, do it when you are really ready. Don't do it until you feel you can discuss it calmly and in a grounded manner. If your parents become upset or emotional, you should remain in control. By doing so, you convey the fact you have not only accepted yourself, but you are reacting in a responsible way. My best wishes to you. We would like to hear what happens.

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Apr 29, 2008 3:33 AM GMT

Oh yeah I forgot to add something.

My brother does not know that I'm gay and I believe he would be hostile to it.

Also one reason I'm cautious about telling my parents is the fact that I have a very tight french canadian family and any news concerning the family is spread around quickly.Thus the reason why this is a even major dilema for me....

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Apr 29, 2008 3:38 AM GMT

dont tell 'em. just start living yr life more separate from them

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Apr 29, 2008 3:39 AM GMT

No man !!! your not blowing this out of proportion !!! This is a huge life issue !!! Your to be commended, like hndsmkansan says, proceed according to your family situation, you don't need to be in a hurry, let conversations with your family/parents dictate when and how is the best time and way to bring it up. Often parents are aware that their child may be gay, so maybe it will go better than you think, perhaps speak with the parent you may feel more comfortable with personal conversation, maybe both are open minded, let the situation your in dictate when, where, and how you bring the subject up, and again don't rush it. I wish you the best !!! and that you and your family get through this with good feelings, and closer ties for having been open about the subject.

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Apr 29, 2008 4:45 AM GMT

I don't see why you have to come out to your parents right now. A lot of people wait until they have more financial independence and control of their own life. It can take some parents a long time to come around, too.

What would be your motive for coming out to them now? If you had gotten a serious boyfriend and you wanted to give them a heads-up that your life was going to include another person, then I can see why you would have a reason to do it now. But if you're just getting used to being gay and having some friends know, you're not obligated to tell your parents about that. Generally, when straight kids start having crushes and meeting people of the opposite sex and going out on dates, they tell their parents as little about it as possible. Why shouldn't you have the same freedom?

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Apr 29, 2008 5:08 AM GMT

Don't rush it. If you are that concerned, it shows that you already know your parents could be uncool about it. Don't put yourself in a position where you have alienated them if you still depend upon them for money, housing, etc.
Get your independence covered.
There's no rush. You don't owe it to them to let them know - they haven't brought you up with the type of birds and bees conversation that lets you know it's ok to be gay. If they had, you wouldn't have a problem telling them.
Parents come in two flavors - nurturers or molders. Nurturers will accept you and assist you in becoming what you want. Molders have some ideal or image and they want to push you into it. They feel they are doing their duty if you become something that fits in their view of success. If your interests and theirs line-up you become very successful. If not - fireworks.

If your parents are molders - you're going to invite them to change you, pressure you or shame you into 'behaving'.

Good Luck

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Apr 29, 2008 5:10 AM GMT

the first person to which i came out is no longer even psrt of my life. i just did it because i had to tell someone. that said, my father, a devout christian (gone on missionary trips and everything) though possibly suspicious, has not heard it from my lips.

it has nothing to do with them, everything to do with you. if you feel the need to tell them, tell them. if it is unnecessary, don't tell them. they do not govern your life.

but if you opt to do so: just say it. no right moment exists. be obligated only to your sense. if they need to know, or rather more accurately: if you need to tell them.

after i told my mom, several months later she exprseed how glad she was that she felt i owed it to her to include her in my real life. this sentiment was entirely correct. she was the second i told.

it matters, yes, but only how far you think it mstters.

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Apr 29, 2008 5:13 AM GMT

So I haven't even read everybody else's comments as I wanted mine to be just from me.

When I decided to come out, I was so sure that I was gay and so ok with myself, that I knew one thing. I was coming out for me... Not for anyone's approval, it was just a statement.

I told everyone in my family in one day.

I didn't apologize, and never said I was sorry, because I'm not. I am who I was created to be.

I was surprised by the number of duh... it's about time, that I received.

And the few that freaked out, I wasn't surprised.

And I held my ground. I'm proud of the man I am. If someone chooses to change their opinion of me for information that they have just learned... Fuck em, they were never in my corner.

I'm not here to scream I'm here, I'm here, get use to it. I'm here to say, this is me and I love you.

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Apr 29, 2008 5:19 AM GMT

Gosh. for some things, there may never be a right time. The truth is not always nice, nor kind.

You know you parents better than us. I once had a mate, whom agonised over it so much. Then when He finally did it. His mom said. Oh I've been waiting since you were very young, to come and talk to me about this. I've always known.

I also had a mate in New Zealand. Born into a Mormon family. On his drive home, one weekend to tell dad, and mum. He decided it was easier to throw himself, out of a moving car. Than face the rejection, from his parents. He never got to find out how they would of reacted....

Sometimes, there just is no right time.

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Apr 29, 2008 5:37 AM GMT

It is your very personal information. IF, When, where and to whom you reveal it is entirely up to you. Only you can gage the reactions of your parents and sibbling. If it could be badly received, I would hold off.
Always do it on your schedule and do it when you are in a safe and controlled situation at the moment and in life generally.IE>>>If you are dependent on your parents for housing, food and life in general, and you don't believe they would have a positve reaction or might toss you out...then be smart and keep you mouth shut and play straight in front of them, until you can make your own way. Make your plan....set your circumstances up for a safe position and then work your plan.
If all of your friends know and you say word travels fast in a french Canadian hood...what makes you think your friends haven't talked between themselves, or with their parents , who may have talked to your parents? They may know already and be just as lost and bewildered on how to approach the topic....but, still be safe and stick to your plan and on your own timeframe. There is no rush. Once it is done, there is no retracting the statement....
Good luck.

groundcombat

Posts: 945

Apr 29, 2008 5:56 AM GMT

can't help you on this one. my parents don't know shit. at least from me anyway, they probably have their educated guesses.

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Apr 29, 2008 8:40 AM GMT

drac08 saidSo heres the deal

I know that coming out of the closet is something that I should do.I have already come out to my friends, but I'm not sure I'm ready for my parents.

Now the question....

How am I supposed to know when it's the right time? I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but this is the only thing in my life that I have not been certain about.

Any advice on the matter will be greatly appreciated.

WOOHOO! Good luck!

I'm still on the coming out to friends part and it still hasn't happened.

If it helps, my target for parents is AS SOON as I am financially independent. That is - I have a job, a place to stay, and enough supportive friends there for me so I can take the big step.

GQjock

Posts: 11649

Apr 29, 2008 10:33 AM GMT

It's really up to you when the time is right
But don't put off living a free and happy life because you need to keep this secret either

polobutt is right...when you do there should be no apologies just a statement of fact
that you're still their son and that nothing has changed between you and now that you can be free and open between you and your parents

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Apr 29, 2008 1:35 PM GMT

If your family is Quebecois like I know Quebecois, they are probably expecting a lot of children from you and I think will probably be disappointed. But the Quebecois I know are also very accepting. They will need some mourning time, to mourn the dashing of their hopes.
I could be totally off base though.

My family are totally red neck southerners and my brothers have been extremely hostile towards the LGBT community. When I was outed I expected a huge fight, blood and broken bones and the whole bit. They just couldn't believe it and accepted me. Not even a punch.
They just kid me once in awhile. I'm just not a good ol boy, the breaking of tradition was a shock to them.

If you come out to your parents, you will be doing them a favor by not prolonging their expectations. Maybe you can have a dinner party and invite them and have a partner assist you. You can come out to them there.

Good luck. I'm not the best guy for advice on this, I was just too chicken to come out to my parents. I admire your guts.

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Apr 29, 2008 2:11 PM GMT

I agree with many of the responses above. If you still depend on your parents financially, then it is a good idea to wait until you are both financially and emotionally independent. Comming out doesn't meant one has to stand on the rooftop and shouts out to the whole world that he is gay. It is a slow process. You choose whom and when you want to come out to as you are comfortable with.

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Apr 29, 2008 2:20 PM GMT

On a lighter note. tell them you have terminal cancer. The , " Just joking, I'm gay"

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Apr 29, 2008 2:26 PM GMT

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Apr 29, 2008 3:52 PM GMT

before i respond to the question:

PATTISON!!!! THAT WAS SUCH A NICELY COMPOSED REPLY... oh my god! a total paradign shift... so good to hear you use your voice

as for the question:

1) tell the people you want to tell when you are ready to tell them
2) if you are dependent on your family and you think they will cut you off, wait until you have your own income and your own home/car
3) be comfortable in your own skin before you try to think of others
4) the most fulfilling life is an honest one, but only you know the intricacies of your situation
5) maintain a separation between those with whom you can honest and those with whom you cannot... handle each person as they need to be handled.

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Apr 29, 2008 4:00 PM GMT

Luckydog76 saidOn a lighter note. tell them you have terminal cancer. Then , " Just joking, I'm gay"

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Apr 29, 2008 4:07 PM GMT

SockMonkey saidI don't see why you have to come out to your parents right now. A lot of people wait until they have more financial independence and control of their own life. It can take some parents a long time to come around, too.

I agree. You have to be pragmatic about it. If you are living with them, or they are paying for school, or you are otherwise financially dependent on them then wait until you are out of school and independent. You don't want to screw up your future because your parents are potentially small minded.

That said, many people I know had horrible expectations for coming out to their folks and it went much better than they thought.

godspeed Drac

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RJ guys I need ur support on this one