Advice? (long)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 3:05 AM GMT
    I don't really know which section to post this in so I'm going to try here.

    I wanted to share something that's been going on in my life the past several months. I guess I'm just looking for a place to talk about this and maybe some feedback.

    I guess I'll start with the punch line: I've had a rough two weeks and through it all, I think I've finally admitted to myself and accepted that I'm gay.

    To start, I've known for a long time that I haven't had a physical attraction to women. I've always ignored it and I guess hoped that maybe somewhere along the line that would change. But I remember back in my early teens when many of my guy friends would talk about girls, it just didn't do anything for me. I never dated a girl all through high school and most of college. I had a very close friendship with a girl and I know she felt the same with me but the reason I never took it further is because the physical attraction just wasn't there. So I've never really dated or pursued a relationship with anyone.

    After college I moved to a new state to start my career. I moved to a small town (I'm used to living in the city) and it's a lot different than what I was used to and I've had a hard time feeling like I fit in around here. But my job is good so I've dealt with it. I'm on my third year living here and making friends has been tough around here. Most of the organizations around here I don't feel comfortable being part of and most people my age are into social activities that I am not.

    Last summer I really began to get curious about my sexuality and experiencing something with a guy. I was also really wanting to find a friend. In hind sight this wasn't the best way to go but this is what I did: I posted an ad on the internet looking for a new friend. I added that friends with benefits would be cool but wasn't a requirement. Well long story short, I met someone. From the beginning he has said he likes girls but likes the occasional fun times with a guy. I was just looking for a friend and nothing more. Now, I've read all the stuff online about what can happen with FWB, but not before we entered into the arrangement. Only after it became a problem. Anyway, we've become best friends. We talk all the time, exchange emails, IM's and meet up a couple times a month either for social times or bedroom times.

    Two weeks ago he told me he met a girl and was interested. As you can guess, somewhere along the line I got attached. I felt something when he told me that. Call it jealously, call it whatever, it's there. We did talk about it and I was hoping to be able to move on from it but I'm not sure I can. I never thought anything like this could happen but here it is.

    As you can imagine, I've had a lot of things going through my mind the last two weeks. When my FWB and I talked about us, he said that he's kind of felt something between us as well but he's into girls and that's what he wants. I know there is no future here and never wanted a serious relationship with him. Only a friendship. Regardless, either the benefits are going to have to end or the friendship will. I'm hoping we can save the friendship as it is important to me. What is hard is we were planning on splitting an apartment in a few months and what got to me was that I don't think I'll be able to handle when/if he brings a girl home and they go to his room. It will just be a bad situation. But I know this now and I'm dealing with it.

    But I've been thinking about a lot of things this week. For a long time I've been content with the single life. But as I get older I've realized that I enjoy the time my FWB and I spend together on a more personal level. I've realized that I might be getting to the point in my life where I might to start exploring the possibility of a relationship with someone. Obviously, not my FWB, but someone.

    I think that through all of this, I am coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. What I've never experienced before that I have for the first time with my FWB is the emotional and physical connection. I don't know if it's a feeling of love because how close we are or just attachment or whatever, but in all honesty I enjoy it and enjoy sharing it with someone.

    What is so difficult is I have no one to talk to about this. I am out to no one other than right here on this board right now. I don't know where to go or how to proceed. I don't think I'm ready to come out but at the same time it might be nice to meet people who are gay. At the same time, I'm just ready to meet more people and have a social life again, which as I've already said, has been difficult around here.

    All I know is the past two weeks have been rough emotionally and have really taken a toll on me. My first problem is getting over my FWB. But just talking about it now and maybe accepting this about myself has helped. I guess I'm just writing to help get some of this off my chest and maybe seek some a
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    May 01, 2008 4:45 AM GMT
    Well, I'm not quite sure what you're asking for, but I can comment on what you've written at least. First of all, it sounds like you have/had a great first experience. You met someone cool, you get along great and I'm assuming you enjoy the "benefits" as well. So, that's all a great start.

    Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to move in with this guy because, like you said, it's going to be really tough when (not if) he brings girls home. So, as much as you enjoy his company and would probably get along great in a co-habitation arrangement, I don't think it's a good idea based on what you've said about the situation.

    I would recommend continuing to meet people maybe just like you met him. It worked once, maybe it will work again? But, the best thing to get your mind off this guy is to find new friends or FWBs. Then you won't constantly be thinking about him and wanting to be with him. That should make being just his friend a whole lot easier on you.

    I can tell you the first guy you have feelings for and shows similar feelings in return is hard to get over. At least it was for me. But, having other friends and people to do things with made it a lot easier.

    Definitely keep us posted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 5:23 AM GMT
    I don't really know what I'm looking for. I just wanted to talk about what I've been dealing with around a group of people who would probably understand.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 5:44 AM GMT
    I understand what you're going through. If you want someone to chat with, feel free to hit me up via email or messenger. I'll do whatever I can to help you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 6:22 AM GMT
    I am going through something similar. I decided that I can no longer go on to be something I am not. All the pretending and putting up front were really exhausting to the point that I could not hang around with my straight friends for extended time (e.g. three-day weekends, long road trips). Met a few kind gays while on a vacation; they all advised me not to jump into relationship with the first dude I meet, but to join gay groups whose activities I enjoy. From these groups hopefully I will meet someone with common interests as mine. Recently, I met someone on one of the outings of these groups. We seemed to hit it off, but he turned to be a flake (you can look through my prior posting about this). The lesson I learned from the experience is don't invest too much your emotion in one person until you're both commit to the relationship. I am still still trying to figure out how to live as a gay person. It's exciting, confusing, exhilarating, and most definitely scary journey. Regardless how unfamiliar I am with these uncharted waters, I feel it's infinitely better than the alternative. Hang on there, you'll be alright as will I.

    PS. I don't know anyone here on RJ personally, but they are pretty cool bunch and seem genuine.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16461

    May 01, 2008 7:59 AM GMT
    Well first, Mtiger, thanks for taking the time to share that with us. I appreciated the time and effort you made in conveying how you feel about your friend, but also the struggle you are having with your life.

    I'm sure there are many here that can relate, maybe we all can to certain aspects of what you describe. The questioning, the feeling of "aloneness" of how we feel at some moment. I'm glad you reached out here. Please feel free to do it whenever you wish, I hope we can help you at least a little.

    You are correct, you are at a turning point. My suggestion is you need to be diligent about meeting new people, you really do. Converse more with others online and while you live in a small community, try and think of some other social activities (albeit straight) in which to participate and you feel comfortable. Do you have a local gym there? If anything else, seek out fitness activities!

    I think you need to develop additional friendships to help with the loss of your FWB. You are wise to realize that to keep him, you have to back off your physical relationship... and its hard, because he isn't just a FWB is he? He's your first guy....and its really hard... just start talking to other decent men (underscore decent). I don't want you going online and looking for some shit who doesn't care about you and is just looking for sex. There are many here who would be interested in getting to know you.

    Is there any way to move to a larger community with a change in job? If not, continue to explore other activities in your small community or elsewhere, but above all, take the time (as you did here) to communicate. Others do understand and care. Please keep us informed.icon_smile.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 01, 2008 10:33 AM GMT
    I understand that it's a rough situation
    but... you need to respect that he might have made a choice here
    it's up to you if you can allow you're FWB to bcome just a "friend" and nothing more
    and any advances on his part then need to be rebuffed also
    as far as him moving in with you... that's a real no no
    why would you want to torture yourself even more?

    Get out there and find some other men
    You found this guy ... there are plenty others to take his place
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 11:26 AM GMT
    As far as moving in, I've finally admitted to myself that it won't work. I tried to convince myself otherwise at first but it's just going to be bad. As far as moving to a larger city, I'm hoping to. The only problem is, it's his city. I'm a teach, and because of what I teach, I can't just move and hope there is a job there. I have to find the job first. The job I am waiting to hear from is a great opportunity for me and I can't turn it down if I'm offered, but I'm a long way from that for now. If this job doesn't come through I know it will be a blessing in disguise though and if that's the case, I already know I'm staying in my current location for one more year and then I'll be moving on.

    I think I can handle being a friend but I know the physical part has to stop. I guess one of the things that's so hard is I never expected anything like this to ever happen. I never thought I'd end up feeling this way. It just all hit me at once. I mean, looking back there were signs but I never thought anything of it. But here I am and now I have to deal with it. It least we do live in towns about an hour apart for now and don't see each other all the time.