Growing Older as a Gay man

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2007 6:14 AM GMT
    Hey guys here is a question for you. How many of you guys out there feel that your age has worked against you when it come to meeting other guys hooking up etc. I now embrace my 40's. It's true 40 is the new 30. After I came out of my 30's I truely understood the term being comfortable in my own skin, I no longer worry what other will think. I wouldn't go back to my 20's for all the money in the world, well maybe 10 million lol!!!
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    Feb 17, 2007 8:00 AM GMT
    I know what you mean. Try being 51. I think life for a gay man is very difficult in all areas after 40. In some ways you feel so confident that you don't have to proove anything to anyone-- anymore, but one is at an disadvantage in the looks department, no matter how hard you work on your appearance, you simply can not compete with the 20 and the 30 year olds, and they don't give you the time of day anyway, so the answer is try to find poeple, closer to your age to be with and find love and compaionship through mutual respect and understanding, rather than looks. That's my two cents worth, and my best advice, being that I am older than you. :) S.
  • Pewit

    Posts: 15

    Feb 17, 2007 10:29 AM GMT
    Actually many men are attracted to older men - you just have to know where to look.

    My website, provides news, information and extensive reviewed links for older gay men and their admirers - including dating sites, dating advice, movies, books and even retirement communities. The site gets 1.2M visitors a month - of whom 55% are aged under 50 and looking for the over 50s.

    The bar scene may be ageist in general, but the GrayGay Guide reviews over 2500 venues that welcome older gay man and their admirers worldwide.


    Editor of
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    Feb 17, 2007 3:26 PM GMT
    As I grow older - in my late thirties now - I find it harder to attract men my own age. I'm told that I look much younger than I am - no credit to be taken personally about this, it's all genetic - and so I attract men that are that age (mid-to-late twenties) or men that are over 50.
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    Feb 17, 2007 3:51 PM GMT
    This year I'm going to be 50 years old, and I've been excluded from the gay community since I was about 38 or so. Almost all of the 40-something gay men I meet are looking for younger sex partners. They turn up their noses and anyone over 35. Since I moved from Chicago to northeastern Wisconsin, its difficult even to make friends, because the gay men my own age all see me as competition for younger sex partners. The atmosphere at gay bars here is all about sex. Occasionally I can have a conversation with a guy my age but its like there is an unspoken understanding that this is just for the moment in a bar, and there is no real interest in friendship. its been hard to make friends here, and I've given up hope of an LTR as long as I live here, because the local gay scene is all about scoring with young men and nothing else. I've been on many local gay websites but no one seems interested in a 49-year old gay man with an imperfect body. I think I'm a caring and considerate person, and I'm told I'm a great conversationalist and have a wide variety of interests, but the fact that I'm not young and beautiful is the only relevant fact anyone here sees. Being middle-aged and gay is mostly about learning to live alone and cherishing the few gay and straight friends you can find. I've tried very hard to find fulfillment in work, and I have found some, but going home alone is still the hardest part of the day. Some days I'm quite angry at the "gay community" because its shallow, sex-obsessed and fickle, and on these days I hate being gay. It seems like a sentence of loneliness and I'm not sure what the crime was.
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    Feb 17, 2007 5:37 PM GMT
    Well, chubbtm5, here's a perspective from someone who is in your age group. You say you are angry at the gay community, and feel that the stress on sex, and youth has put you in the position of being lonely.

    How angry have you gotten at yourself? It's true that gay men are focussed on having sex with a man who possesses both emotional characteristics and physical characteritics that they find erotic. It's also true that many guys in the 40 age groups are looking for 20-somethings (for example, take a look at the website run by one of the posters above...and you'll see the word "daddy" appear in many spots).

    But it is also true that we as aging gay men have the responsibility to try to maintain "sexiness" (which is one part of the duality of what comprises a partner or boyfriend or, even, friend for gay men). And part of that is staying in shape. That takes work, and discipline, yet many are able to do it. All serious users of this website are. Do a search on 45 guys and you will see them.

    I plan to stay in top shape for as long as I can in my life. And by top shape, I mean exactly that. Not just the ability to walk around the block.

    Let me ask you this, and I mean this kindly. You are on a website set up to allow men of ALL ages who are fit/very fit to connect. Yet, you complain that you are not in shape (in fact, your handle has the word "chub" in it...not that that means you are chubby, so forgive me if I misinterpreted that). So I am assuming that you are attracted by guys who are in shape, regardless of age.

    My question to you is, don't you think the athletic guys to whom you are attracted are entitled to be attracted by athletic guys too, regardless of age?

    In short, if you want an athletic guy, regardless of age, become athletic.

    Yes, it's true that many older athletic guys just are looking for twinks. But that is not generally true, in my opinion.

    Finally, finding a real boyfriend/friend is difficult. Hence the number of people on this website who are single, or even, in open relationships, yet are still looking for something in life that they have not yet found.

    You've just got to maximize your strengths.


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    Feb 17, 2007 7:44 PM GMT
    Hey Chubb, I hear you. I think you also need to look within yourself for your happiness. I'm in a relationship with a guy who is 12 years younger then me. I never intended to be with someone more then 10 year my junior. Most gay men know they are over the hill at 30 for the most part. I think it's up to all of us to change that way of thinking in the gay community. If you feel that strongly about where you live, come back to Chicago or try another city. Or if you choose to stay where you are, get out and do something. I myself run a gay men's book group here in Chicago. Most of all Chubb, you need to be comfortable with being alone. If I broke up with my BF today, I would be ok. I would just dust myself off and GASP!!! Jump back into the dating pool at 42! The alternative to that is unacceptable to me.
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    Feb 17, 2007 10:44 PM GMT
    Well guys,

    Here is another perspective from an "older" gay man.
    It is a major shame that when we are young we put such a premium on youth that the implication is that being older (in most cases this starts at 35) you are suddenly ugly, unattractive, undesirable and not worthy to even talk with. (MOST of the guys here will not even return a hello.)

    Wouldn't it be better if when we are young, we treated everyone of every age with at least the same politeness and took the time to see the PERSON and not simply reject and be rude because they are older so that when YOU become that age, it will OK and you will be able to hold your head up and relate to everybody and not be a self hating bitter person because you are what you hated when you were young.... simply an older gay man!

    Somehow it has become to many people OK to be rude, ignore and reject those over 35 or so. Perhaps you should consider setting the stage when you are young to be OK as you age as we all do ... IF we are lucky to survive life.

    YES, as some have said, it is imperative to keep in shape... at least be healthy all your life and have a good self image and attitude.

    And for those guys who say.. "I can't relate to guys over ___ years because we don't share the same interests or life experience" know that the older guy HAS done what you are doing now so he CAN and does relate!

    Perhaps if we defined eachother by factors other than age alone, we would ALL be uplifted and have better lives.
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    Feb 18, 2007 12:13 AM GMT
    I am in the same boat. I am 41, and even though I work hard in the gym and am well versed in a lot of subjects, it doesn't give you a leg up as you get older. I have always been very respectful of everyone no matter of age. But it does get harder- which just means I have to work harder....
  • duglyduckling

    Posts: 279

    Feb 18, 2007 2:26 PM GMT
    Don't mean to stir the pot or anything, but just a different point of view as compared to what TallGWMvBaller wrote "And for those guys who say.. "I can't relate to guys over ___ years because we don't share the same interests or life experience" know that the older guy HAS done what you are doing now so he CAN and does relate!"....

    I think a lot of younger guys say something like that is because many people prefer to date within their age range, be it within 5 years of their own age either way, or 10 years either way. At some point, we all feel that there is a limit to it. It has nothing to do with age discrimination, but it has more to do with attraction. Many of us prefer to be with people our own age range, and not with someone in born in another "generation". This may be due to the fact that in that situation, many may feel uncomfortable because they feel that they may be dating their father or something. I know I certainly feel wierded out if I date someone older by more than 7 years than I am, cause I feel like I am dating my older brother.

    In the same theme, as much as I find guys who are 18 or 19 attractive, I cannot possibly imagine dating them, cause they are simply not at the same maturity, stage of life, financial independence, etc, as I am. So I think it's perfectly valid for someone to say that "I cannot relate to someone who is over __ age". We are simply at a different stage in life. With many 'older' guys wanting to date guys 20 or 30 years their junior, that's fine if that's what they want, however, they should not expect everyone who is 20 or 30 year younger to want the same - ie in wanting to date someone 20 to 30 years their elder.
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    Feb 18, 2007 3:53 PM GMT
    At 33, I am in a weird stage comparable to what TerryC mentioned, where the guys who express interest in me are either alot younger or a lot older than I am.

    While its flattering to have interest expressed in you in general, I have to admit, I like dating guys within my age range. And as I have grown older, so has the age range of the guys I date. So I when I am 50, I will probably dig 50 year olds.

    Chubb my heart goes out to you. I think its unfortunate to give up on all hope of a long term relationship at any age. It could be the hopeless romantic in me, but I think that there is someone out there for everyone. At older ages, we just have to work harder to connect. I have no idea what you look like, but from the 'chub' nick, I assume you are on the thick side, so I suggest trying dating sites geared toward that, like 'bear' sites maybe. There are definitely fans of that body type. Otherwise, I suggest hitting the gym after work instead of heading home alone. Its good for your health, and being in better shape could make a difference. And after a good work out... you will be too tired to obsess about the 'hardest part of your day.'
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    Feb 18, 2007 5:36 PM GMT
    I think we need to separate out the issues. I think the original post from cityguy39 had to do with guys in your age group not being responsive. In other words, if you're in your 30s/40s, guys in that age group giving you thanks but no thanks, but l8, 19 year olds and 50/60 year olds trying to date you.

    As a separate issue, it's true that one reason for that may be that the guys in your age group are targeting younger guys exclusively.

    But then, there was at least one post that converted the discussion from that to "...why can't I get noticed at all by guys who are younger/better shape etc. than me?..." That's a completely different problem.

    As I (and a couple of other posters pointed out), for the latter problem, if you're attracted by fitness, then get fit yourself...etc. My point was rather than just generally blaming this on external factors, consider issues you may have personally first.


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    Feb 19, 2007 3:52 AM GMT
    I think its very important to put yourself in the right position to meet someone appropriate.

    I know heaps of gay guys in their late 30's who still dress up in the street fashion and frequent the bars where 20 year olds hang out. Strangely, they have trouble finding a mate.

    Lots of older guys go down the road of trying to be "daddies" also. Whatever floats ya boat, I guess.

    I think if you look after yourself physically, are emotionally stable and find the places where you are likely to meet the right kind of person, you will have a lot more success than otherwise.
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    Feb 19, 2007 4:23 AM GMT
    well to be honest most of what you guys are talking about Ive already gone through most of my adult life. I dont think it has anything to do with age, are how a person looks..........people in general can just be very guys belive it are not are just fine the way you are. Live for yourself not for what you think others want you to be..this may sound silly but I use to think that if i was fat bald toothless and ugly as hell Id have a better chance at meeting someone....not you can see Im none of those things and I still cant meet 5 years ago I decided the hell with.......Im me and thats that!!!! :O)
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    Feb 19, 2007 4:24 AM GMT
    oh and latin muscle if you need a extra leg up you cAN HAVE ONE OF MINE :o)
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    Feb 19, 2007 4:49 AM GMT
    This is a very interesting topic, at 51 I have found that my life is full and without tthe dramas I experienced earlier on in life.

    I have a wider group of confident self assured friends, I have great employment, and I am out, I worked along 85 other guys in the steel industry and I have no problems whats so ever.

    The population of the city is only 150,000, but maybe its the Australian way acceptance of all.

    Many of my friends are straight, and most are gay, and from all age groups.

    I think what most of the problem with many older gays is there mental attitude towards life and trying to be that 20-30 year old that they were. Accept it we all get older its just a matter of how we approach it.

    That my 2 cents worth.

    Regards from Cairns Australia
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    Feb 19, 2007 5:19 AM GMT
    Well I'm definitely happier at 41 than I was at 31. I have my priorities in order, money in the bank, and I don't worry about the typical bs that I used to 10 years ago (Fashion, clothing, etc.).

    As far as dating goes, it seems guys my age and older are more cynical - and most are into meeting fuck buddies than boy friends - sex is great, but a good relationship is bettter.
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    Feb 19, 2007 5:25 AM GMT
    thanku bigguy I do so agree. and since I have neither....this could be a good time for me to start a new hobby. perhaps makeing quilts :O)
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Feb 19, 2007 6:13 PM GMT
    I don't think my age is working against me...actually quite the contrary...

    I seem to [on this site and others] be attracting 20 somethings all the, nothing against the 20 somethings, but I really don't want to go back there again...

    I am VERY content in my 30's with my job, friends, family, and financial just is harder and harder to maintain the intensity of my workouts and body performance...hence, I am fighting father time like everyone else...

    I would like to know where all the sane, together, and available 30 somethings are...if anyone has found that pond to fish in...let me know.

    - David
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    Feb 19, 2007 7:27 PM GMT
    Well said David!!! I can only add to what you have already said. I'm working out twice as hard to just maintian, It's all good though. I'm also starting to realize that in the end father time and mother nature can only be held back for so long lol. I plan to keep them at bay for as long as possible.
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    Feb 19, 2007 7:46 PM GMT
    Hah!! If it's tough for you guys, imagine how tough it is for those of us on the way downhill side of far downhill, that we can barely see it.

    Here's the good news. You can do it, easily. Remember to "cross-train", meaning, cram in some running/biking/swimming to complement the weight workouts...

    Also, watch exposure to the sun. Use UV protection, moisturizer etc.

    Then, when you get to 40, 50, 60, people will say/think you are 30,40, 50... :-)

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    Feb 19, 2007 10:01 PM GMT
    I am 64 today. Been in a loving relationship with a kid of 59 for 28.5 years. No recipe for this except to be tolerant and loving of each other, and be lucky. We are both retired now and comfortable but no where near well-off. Sugar-Daddyhood is not a financial option for us.
    Have single friends in their 50s-70s and most have a very active sex life, ranging from on-line hook-ups to old fashioned cruising. We are lucky to be in a large metropolitan area.
    Joined Realjock because I finally got serious about getting back in shape. Since mid-January I've lost 5 pounds, maybe more, and my arms and pecs are better than they were in my 30s. Work out most days, lifting 3 days, cardio 3. Still too fat, but went from 36 inch pants to a comfortable 34. Aiming for 32, which I haven't been in 10 years or more, but I saved the jeans!
    Age brings a calmness/serenity few in their 20's-30's have. Best of luck!

    ps, someday when I achieve my weight goal (150's) I will post a photo.
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    Feb 20, 2007 3:34 PM GMT
    Well at 38, and not coming out until well into the 30s, I sometimes get uneasy about what my later years might bring. I guess I'm lucky in that my tastes for partners has always run towards people of my own age so I tend find men in the late 30s and up more attractive.

    I guess I just want to age well. I don't want to be 21-it wasn't the best time in my life. I could do 35 again though hehe. Anyway, I want to keep active, keep vital and keep thumbing my nose at people who say I'm too old to do this or that.
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    Feb 20, 2007 4:36 PM GMT
    I am amazed at the interest in me by younger guys. It really pumps me up. I can't really say that i've found guys my age to be that hot. I don't automatically exclude them. So far they are too grounchy and all they talk about its their meds and health problems.
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    Feb 20, 2007 5:36 PM GMT
    Hey happy birthday Antelope.

    I was very touched by your imput as it's great to hear a nice positive story when the world is so full of negativity.

    I think we shouldn't be afraid of getting older, as each stage of our lives brings a new adventure.

    Personally I reckon it's a nice ego boost to attract younger, fitter guys. But I'd much rather spend quality time with someone my own age who has the same frame of reference (remembers Dallas the Tv series), than have to keep explaining everything all the time. I'm also feel too old for all the dramas that young people seem to enjoy.