Sexless serious relationship !

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    May 16, 2008 7:30 PM GMT
    i am a 23 year old and i resire in cairo, Egypt.
    i am half american, and openly gay and i am a makeup artist. when i first moved to cairo, i quickly realized that i would be single for a long time, if not forever, the gay community in Egypt is not very stable, and i am bf material kinda guy.
    work is great here and career wise its the place to be, so i decided to stay here just work my ass off, have a stable life, and then i can have a baby on my own or something in my thirties. i was working, working, dating was not really a priority, i had no time to waste nor energy.
    however, one day, when i least expected it to happen, it happened ! i met the person i know i can marry and be with for the rest of my life. even though the timing was not my plan, but i figuered, if i give him up .. i might not have this for the rest of my life. its totally worth over working myself, to still maintain my career and maintain this relationship, that quickly became my little own tiny family that gives me hope, love, security, and company.
    i can no longer imagine my life without him, not for anything .. but for the simple reason that on a personal level i couldnt have wished for more compatitbility.
    at the begining of the relationship, the sex was good .. we were having sex regularly and life was pink !
    when all of a sudden the physical contact starting declining, it was joke at first that my sex drive is way stronger than his ! but then .. one day we come home from a friends wedding, drunk .. and i am thinking .. we are totally going to have sex tonight !
    we dont, and it turns in to a serious argument !
    i bluntly asked him .. what is wrong ? u no longer hug me, u no longer touch me nor kiss me, and we no longer have sex !!!!!!!!
    he looks at me and honestly says i dont touch you cause i am always scared it will lead to sex !
    he goes on to tel me that he has discussed the issue with his best friend .. and she told him that he needs to be honest with me !
    i was totally shocked cause i had no idea that it was actually a problem to the extent that he has been discussing it with his best friend !
    i ask him why is that ? and he says he has no idea !
    my utopia is shattered !
    i am not in to open relationships .. and if i am not goign to feel sexy with my bf .. who will it be then ?
    i had a serious weight problem when i was 16 . .i weighed over 240 lbs, and i managed to slim myself down to 170 lbs .. my body has suffered severe trauma through the process of loosing the weight, been through all kinds of eating disorders and stuff.
    my bodies proprtions have also suffered since i ended up with loosing all the weight, but with cells of black fat on my chest ( man's breast ) and love handles.
    i got rid my man breasts and left my love handles. they are bothering me at the moment, an di need to do it for my work and for myself, and i will go under the knife next week.
    i consider myself a secure person, however feeling unattractive from your partner, is very hurtful, and i cant help but loose sleep over it.
    i asked him again, why do u think u dont wanna have sex with him? what changed ?
    he said .. i dont know .. u r not exactly my type .. i am used to guys who are slim !
    i am slim, i just have a problem with my love handles !
    he says, i dont know .. for example i find six packs attractive !!!!
    i personally have no time to worry about six packs, never thought of them as attrative, and always thought of them as unnatural in a way !
    i always imagined myself to grow a sexual interest in someone even if he is not my tpe ... because i love him !
    thats the case with him actually, he is not excatly my type .. but i am so attracted to him because i am in love with him !
    we still live with my parents at their house, so i thought it makes him feel uncomfortable ! he said it doesnt .. or maybe he doesnt know !
    i can not even question whether he loves me or he doesnt for a second !
    he moved to egypt to be with me, we are starting a life together, and everything couldnt be more perfect !
    but i cant help it but be seriously annoyed by that sex problem .. if it doesnt harm the relationship now, it will in the future if we do not resolve it !
    i have no idea how to deal with it .. he still insisits that he doesnt know why he is like that .. or maybe he has a sex complex ! he even said that with his ex bf's, the relatinoship was built on the sex . .with me its different ! its built on our personal bond and not the sex !
    i dont know what to do . .any help, or any clues would be highly appreciated !
    thank you,
    mahmoud rashad
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    May 17, 2008 2:21 AM GMT
    All I can say is that situation really sucks! If you are completely committed to the relationship, and it sounds like you are, I would try couples therapy. I can imagine that might be hard to find in Cairo for gay men, but I think that, if he is willing, you should look into it. If, by chance, he is not willing to give it a shot, I would start to think seriously about the future of the relationship.
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    May 17, 2008 5:49 AM GMT
    I really feel for you man. That is really a tough situation. And I won't say any of this lightly at all, but... this just doesn't sound like it has any chance of working out in the long haul. If you guys have a great friendship and all of that BUT no affection, touching, or sex, then you might as well just be friends.

    I have lots of friends I am close to. But I share myself intimately (emotionally AND physically) with that someone special in my life. And there really isn't a gray area to that.

    Moreover, it seems like it's already started affecting your sense of self-esteem and your view of yourself. And relationships should never make you feel less about yourself!

    I wish you the best man.
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    May 17, 2008 2:44 PM GMT
    he says he doesnt believe in the counseling thing, and anyway .. it doesnt exist in egypt anyway lol
    we had a talk about it last night, and he ended up breaking down and telling me he wants to fight and try !
    but it all doesnt make sense to me .. why is this such a big deal ? and why is it becoming so dramatic ?
    how on earth could it be so difficult to touch me ? or show any kind of intimacy towards me ?
    it is effecting my self esteem big time ! i am not happy ... even though everything between us on a personal level . this problem haunts, my mood and the way i view the relationship and even deal with him !
    it just doesnt make sense to me at all !
    i know i am an attractive guy .. so i dont get it at all !
    we used to have sex and it was fine when we first started dating .. now, its just very strange !
    do u guys know of any ways to try to bring a dead sex life in a relationship back to life ?
    kamasutra ? anything ?
    thank you,
    mahmoud rashad
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    May 17, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    Ummm... I hate to say this but, I know what you are going through. (I some ways)

    My bf loves me, but but has 1/10th or maybe 1/20th of the drive I do. So when he makes a move I go crazy thinking maybe and then it normally ends up being nothing.

    I work out hard, eat right, exercise and enjoy looking good. he is also a gl guy.

    The interesting thing is that if we go out and another guy gives me the slightest interest, he lets them know I am his guy.

    This is tough becuase, he is protective while out but not very interested in me in an attraction way at home.

    Is it a Problem?: Yes, it has caused many conversions and we are trying to work through it and I hoping that his drive will pick up. - Considering open relationships - no. Would I like to have more sex - yes icon_smile.gif

    Where to go from here:
    a. Question: Is he not interested in sex period or sex with you? I know this is tough but if he likes sex and you like sex but not with each other then at some point someone will break down and have it.
    If you are having sex every now and then, then that is a good sign.
    b. Can you live like this? Does the good outweigh the bad? For me the answer is yes, but I can say I want a more active relationship.

    Good luck
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    May 17, 2008 3:58 PM GMT
    Maybe it's the Muslim part of him at work?
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    May 17, 2008 9:18 PM GMT
    jmanorlando .. u have no idea how much better your message made me feel.
    i feel so embaressed to talk about this with my friends, and thats why i came on to this forum, and to realize that other couples have this problem is def a relief.
    i made my bf read your message, and we answered the questions u wrote down honestly to one another, and we realized that we could be in a situation just like yours.
    i also read an article about a mental state called inhibited sexual desires. which is when someone is stressed or disoriented they tend to lose all sexual interests.
    now, with our situation, being still living with my parents, still setteling down together, it is a lot of stress, so maybe thats the case since he clearly said that he is not interested in sex period.
    from my side, i think its totally worth trying trying to work things out and actually make it happen, and i believe he has the same intentions.
    but if any of you guys have been through the same situation or still going through the same situation, feel free to share your story maybe we will learn something extra from you ;)
    thank you
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    May 17, 2008 10:10 PM GMT
    You know. I've had guys be madly in love with me, and I too liked them, until we had sex. They just did not do it for me. So I found it hard to touch them, and felt nothing when they touched me.

    I believe the foundations of a lasting relationship, should be built upon friendship first, as the sex never remains the same, and sex should come second.
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    May 17, 2008 10:18 PM GMT

    This happened to me, too, with my current boyfriend. After about two months, my desire to get it on and show affection went pretty quickly through the floor.
    We talked about it and he said he wasn't in love with me, there were no strings attached, etc., so I didn't have to feel bad about it.

    This has happened to me before. At times, I can figure out what quelled my enthusiasm, but other times I haven't a clue.

    If I had to come up with a reason, I think it may have to do with coming back to some kind of psychological balance. For example, what's up there goes down through the midpoint, and below the midpoint before it comes back to midpoint. Of course, that model assumes it will never be like it was at the beginning.

    This is probably psychopathological, but after about a year of no sex with a former boyfriend, I want to have sex with them again, but there is no "relationship" feeling to it. Just a pleasurable and MILDLY emotional experience.

    But that's a long time to wait.

    I have no idea if your friend is like me in this respect, but in any case, I don't think he should be blamed for being unable or unwilling to give you what you're needing right now.

    I suggest you ask your friend if he wants to date other people. If he does, let him, but figure it's over and move on.

    Good luck in any case.


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    May 17, 2008 10:35 PM GMT
    I don't kow what the problem really is, I can't really recommend a solution. If you weere in N Amaerica or W Europe I would recommend counseling - a psychologist.

    The one comment I do want to make is that I am not sure it is possible to have a completely fulfilling relationship without the intimacy of shared sexuality. I think sex is a healthy and natural outgrowth of any intimate, sharing, permanent relationship. I am not sure you can have a healthy relationship with your MATE without it.

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    May 17, 2008 10:49 PM GMT
    As sad as it is, and as hard as the truth was to hear, it seems like he was at least up front and honest with you. He said you're not really his "type". That is not to say in any way that you're not a great person, nor that you're not an attractive person -- just not HIS type. We are all attracted to different "types" for different reasons, and no matter how attractive someone is, that "type" doesn't always work for everybody. My advice, if you truly feel that there is a strong bond between you, is try to salvage the relationship as a great friendship, one that you will have forever. If he's just not that into you sexually, there just isn't a whole lot you can do about that. No amount of couples counseling in the world is going to change that. Accept it, change the dynamics of your relationship so a great friendship can flourish, and move on.
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    May 18, 2008 11:50 AM GMT
    Oh man, that's a really nasty situation. I tend to agree with bigguysf. It doesn't sound like there's much hope of redemption for the relationship.

    My first thought was to advise you to start working out hard. But then again... that would be like admitting to yourself that you're not enough for him, which is not really the ideal mindset to start with.

    And also, building up the ideal body takes time. Both of you are male with male sexual appetites, I don't think you can maintain a sexless relationship for that long.

    Counseling might help... how about a cooling off period? A wooing period all over again? But, meh, forgive me for being pessimistic on this one. But it doesn't seem like it will work out. icon_sad.gif
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    May 18, 2008 12:57 PM GMT
    That situation really does suck, I know what you're going through. I am seeing someone, my first real relationship, and it feels like we are really compatible. We've been seeing each other for a little over a month and a half now, and I really have enjoyed hanging out with him and talking with him. At first I thought we were just taking things slow, it took us a few dates to kiss, etc. But now I'm having my doubts that he will ever be interested in anything further. I'm really confused about the whole thing right now, both of us have a bunch going on in our lives too and I feel like it is so early in the relationship I don't want to jeopardize it by potentially creating conflict by bringing this up. But it definitely is hard, bringing doubts into your mind about whether or not its you not being good looking enough for them or if its just them. Good luck with your guy! I hope you can work through it, but if not then give him the boot because you deserve to have a relationship that is more than just friendship with a title!
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    May 18, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
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    May 18, 2008 4:02 PM GMT
    now that i am living the situation i have realized that this could be a serious issue that a lot of couples would go through.
    finding that "guy" that you get a long with perfectly on a personal level is very hard, the chance of this perfect harmony is very rare especially in the gay community. as one of you guys mentioned, a long lasting relationship should be built on friendship first and then the sex comes in second.
    that doesnt mean that sex is not important, sex is very important in any intimate relationship, but if your sex drives are different, or sexual interests are different, is it really worth throwing out the possibility of having a family together out the window ?
    i have been reading a lot of articles about this issue on line, and besides that giving me a major understanding of the situation, it has also given me the comfort of knowing that is a very common problem especially amongst new couples.
    the term sexual compatibility for example is linked to sexual interests. for example, if my bf gets turned on by feet and i dont, thats a problem. we are both tops, thats a problem, i am in to bondage and he is not, thats another problem.
    on the other hand there are inhibited sexual desires, based on my conversation with my bf, it became clear to me that he is sexually interested in anyone or anything at all. its not just me personally, it could be due to a lot of reasons, but the most important thing is that i believe that if there is a will there is way, if you want it to work out, it will.
    i personally would think its very stupid for a succesfull relationship to end because of such a reason.
    i think him and i have decided to give it out best and actually make it work out, while there is guarantee of success, i think we will make it happen.
    compromises from my side, and from his side will probably solve the problem.
    wish us luck you guys,
    thank you.

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    May 18, 2008 4:11 PM GMT
    prpboy - thanks for the comments.
    It is tough and you are not alone, however the path that we each take will be different.
    While some might see this post as a negative in a relationship (ie - you shared this online), I look at it as how much you really care about the relationship.
    If you didn't care why would you go to such lengths to learn, educate and better understand the situation.
    I wish you the best and commend you on posting a difficult to talk about topic.

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    May 18, 2008 4:41 PM GMT
    thanx a lot jmanorlando for your supportive comments icon_smile.gif
    i wish you all best,
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    May 19, 2008 1:48 PM GMT
    This one is obvious: he's just not into you. However heartless this may sound it means you have to dump him and move on to someone who does fancy you.

    To those guys who reckon their boyfriend has a low sex drive I say this: if he was in a room full of Bel Ami models or muscle marys would he still have a low sex drive?
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    May 19, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
    red, have you seen jmanorlando? he is a muscle mary!
  • dfrourke

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    May 19, 2008 2:56 PM GMT

    I hate these be honest, I usually reply with some sort of supportive comment that leans toward working it out as monogomous relationships are hard, but there are a couple of things that "irk" me about what you wrote:

    1. "I don't know" is a 5 year old's answer. He know's what's going on and if he doesn't than being an adult, getting into a counseling situation to figure it out shows that the relationship [and you] are important. This is a no brainer for me. If you are not willing to work toward's something better, than you're not the right person for me.

    2. "I might not have this for the rest of my life" I know it may seem that way, but you are only 23 for God's have plenty of time to find someone else. You seeem to be doing a great deal of work physically and emotionally for yourself. Find someone who will celebrate you! Not just accept or tolerate you.

    Wish you the best.

    - David
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    May 19, 2008 2:59 PM GMT
    red, have you seen jmanorlando? he is a muscle mary!

    Yep, I have seen him and he's a sexy man. So, in this case the other scenario applies.
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    May 19, 2008 3:06 PM GMT
    hmmmm ... i personally never found belami models attractive !
    and yeah seriously .. look at jmanorlando .. he is ripped !
    however, i dont think that the problem is that superficial ! actually its not about the ripped abs nor the muscles at all !
    i think being seriously committed to someone and wanting to start a familyw ith them has different qualifications than a one night stand.
    i cant help but wonder why is the gay community so focused on things like six packs or ripped bodies ?
    how many guys out there do not have the time to spend aroudn 20 hours a week at the gym ?
    how many do not find the sight of a ripped body attractive ? and how many do not picture themselves with a ripped body ?
    i am sure tons of you guys agree with me !
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    May 19, 2008 3:09 PM GMT
    I do agree with you that not everyone finds six-pack attractive.

    But you have to face some facts.

    You are not in a successful relationship. However much you want to pretend, successful relationships consist in large part of couples who actually have sex with each other on a regular basis. And both should enjoy it not spend their time making up excuses to avoid getting jiggy jiggy.

    Why are you even thinking about "starting a family" with this guy. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't fancy you?
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    May 19, 2008 3:13 PM GMT
    Prpboy... you're right in that not everyone wants a Belami boy, or a guy with a six pack, but the point he's trying to make is that if you stuck him in a room with guys that he finds attractive (which seem to be the slimmer type of guy from what you said), he probably would be like a cat in heat.

    And yes there are different qualifications between a husband and a one night stand, for most people, but sex for most people is an important, and deeply rooted, way that we show that we love the person we're with and that we still want to be together. Some people are still in relationships where this doesn't become as important, but typically that's after years of being together and forging a really deep bond. This doesn't seem to be the case though... icon_confused.gif

    You both have to communicate and see if you can work it out, and accept that if it doesn't, it doesn't. You may think he's your husband for life, but unless he does as well, it'll just turn ugly!
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    May 19, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    yes, i totally agree with you redhead !
    but on the other hand .. when we first had the discussion ( when i first posted my message here ) i was shocked, cause the first thing u do in such situations is always look at yourself and try to figure out if something is wrong with you !
    but i have came to the conclusion that nothing is wrong with me .. infact i know i am a very good looking guy ! and i am the kinda guy that never really had a "type" .. to me it was always about meeting someone, feeling comfortable, developing feelings, and then i just end up feeling physically attracted to that person ! with a six pack or without !
    we have had long discussions about it .. and i think its fixable .. he is not as physical as i am .. and his sex drive is less than mine .. but we can make it work u know ?