The newbie needs help from the more experienced guys.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2007 7:33 AM GMT
    I'm just in the process of coming out. I tell my wife and get the marriage overwith in the next three weeks or so, and will then want to start having sex with other guys. (I'm so freakin' excited!)

    I have no idea what to do, how to act, how to dress, what to say, and how to choose the guy who's going to be my first.

    Talk to me, guys. I need your advice. I need help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2007 9:18 AM GMT
    Hi Sundown

    Well done for finally coming out and well done also for not doing the Gay sex thing whilst still married - it's good to meet someone who has some morals about his marriage vows.

    I've looked at your profile and you seem to be a great, rounded guy.

    Have you got any Gay friends? This is important I think to make the experiences you are going to have easier - someone to talk to who will understand.

    Meeting guys and chatting them up is just the same as with women, it has the same pitfalls (you face rejection and have to learn to bounce back and not take it personally).

    I wouldn't worry about choosing the first guy to have sex with, you're setting yourself up for failure. You might not have a good time. Often the people you think will be good in bed aren't and vice versa.

    My advice, get a few sexual encounters under your belt. Relax about it. The things they do in porn movies are generally messier and harder to do in real life.

    Being Gay is fabulous, we are so lucky.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2007 5:47 PM GMT
    Congrats! Telling yourself is always the hardest, but it gets easier with time. You don't have to worry about what to do, how to act or dress, or what to say. Be yourself.

    You don't have to think that being gay is going to define you. You're you and you are also gay.

    There's a whole world of new things to read about, and see, and go. Just use your best judgement, be yourself, and you should be fine. But if you ever need advice, there will always be someone here to lend their ear and advice.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Jul 18, 2007 5:51 PM GMT
    Agree with Laurence,sundown.Well done for coming out!As someone who took too long to do this,and found it hard at times,I can appreciate your achievement.Also,how excited you must be!The first thing I`d say would be not to worry about about how to act,dress,etc.Just be yourself!This is what I did,and it stood me in good stead later.You are who you are,forget about conforming to a gay stereotype for acceptance.
    Next,like Laurence suggests,have you any gay friends( or sympathetic straight ones) to help and support you through this process?They can make a real difference to your coming out.Learn to trust them.
    Don`t worry about making mistakes,either.We all do that!Try to learn from them instead.You`ve no need to rush into sex.Try to see gay men as friends as well as partners.You`ll get rejection just like the rest of us.It`s a normal part of life.Carry on living and being out!Sometimes I`ve regetted coming out when things have gone wrong in some way,you may experience the same.Relax,the benefits of coming/being out far outweight staying in the closet.I speak from personal experience...
    Finally,does Tacoma have much of a gay scene where you can express yourself?If not,try further afield,like Seattle,Portland,even online,like here!There will be one somewhere!
    Congratulations on coming out,and best wishes.Hugs,John.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2007 8:53 PM GMT
    See a professional.

    Love yourself first. The rest will follow.

    Remember: if you have don't have integrity, you are nothing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2007 10:46 PM GMT
    I have to agree with you Chuckystud, talking with a psycitrist about what you are feeling and all of your worries and such would be a great first start, it is very thearaputic and really something that everyone should do once in a while.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2007 1:57 AM GMT
    Thanks, guys, I am beginning to build a network of gay friends up here. The Rainbow Center in Tacoma is a really great place. They've helped me with a lot of information, and sat and listened to me as I told them my story the first time there.

    My three oldest children know, and they have all said that they will be here to support me in any way they can (and of course, support their mother).

    I intend for the two of us to go to a counselor, and get help adjusting to both the divorce, and my homosexuality. I'm very intent on her understanding that it's not her, that it's me who is the problem in our marriage. She is an angel and she is so loving and giving. I love her very much.

    As for loving myself? Well, I love myself for the first time in my life. I respect myself, and I'm happy that God made me gay (if there really is a God - that's debateable).

    So thanks again, but I guess one thing that none of you has touched on is prepping for gay sex. Is there something that I should be doing to prep myself for the first time I have anal penetration?
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Jul 19, 2007 2:36 AM GMT
    Seems it`s all finally coming together for you,sundown.On your final question,if you`ve never been with a guy before,I advise you to go steady(despite your real excitement),plenty of lube,and try to relax.I know that`s going to be a bit hard for you,but you`ll enjoy it a whole lot more that way.It took me a while to get this right,coming out as I did relatively late,but you seem pretty solid about it.
    On the more practical side,I`d go back to the Tacoma Centre for more advice on sexual matters,safe sex,etc.Also,you could speak to your gay friends about their experiences.I hope this helps you in your coming out.Hugs,John.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2007 3:31 AM GMT
    This was like reading my own story. I have just separated from my wife of 16 years. I was kinda pushed out of the closet after she found some of my internet viewing. I had every intention of just staying in the marriage until the kids were out of the house, but that wasn't an option for her, and honestly, who can blame her? I have never acted on my feelings or "urges" either, but look forward to the time I can.

    For me, I'm not too worried about jumping into a new lifestyle until I adjust to being on my own and get to know the real me. Right now, it's more important to help the kids through the whole separation/divorce scenario so that they don't suffer too much. So far, so good. I moved only 10 minutes away so they have easy access and can stay with me whenever they want.

    What I need more than anything is to develop a network of friends who can ease me into the "scene" when the time is right. I'm only out to a couple of people, and honestly haven't even told too many people that my wife and I aren't together anymore. One good friend at work, and my brother (also gay) really the only ones who know why we split up, and when the time is right, I'll share with others I feel I can share it with.

    I feel more at peace in the last two months than I have for a very long time. While I've known I'm gay for a while, I am just realizing that being gay doesn't define me. It's just part of me, and other than the fact that I've actually been able to say it to other people, I'm still the same guy I was two months ago.

    Any advice on how to find like people, other than online, who I can network with, and start to cultivate some new friendships/relationships?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2007 3:33 AM GMT
    by the way, congrats Sundown on making the move. I know it's a little overwhelming, but also know that ultimately it's the best thing for everyone involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2007 7:34 AM GMT
    Thanks for the encouragement.

    I don't really understand what you were saying, Lincsbear, about "go steady".

    Hoosierladdy, One thing I did was find a social community through my local GLBT center, and made contact with them. I will attend my first pot luck with them this Sunday.

    One thing I did do was to go to the local "Lovers" store (a really upscale, well laid out, non-back-alley sex toy store) and asked about it from them (but they were girls, not guys), and the clerk suggested that I start using lubed anal toys/dildos to start loosening up the muscles and get that area used to being touched and penetrated.

    Do you guys concur?
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Jul 20, 2007 12:44 AM GMT
    Sundown,I meant don`t think getting laid is necessarily the most important issue now.If you`re like me,you`ll have to get used to the idea of being single/available,what`s on offer,how to live your life now.Sort your life to the point where meeting another guy becomes a natural progression.
  • Roadcyclist

    Posts: 35

    Jul 20, 2007 4:05 AM GMT
    Just be yourself... don't try to fit into some mold. You'll do fine
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:09 PM GMT
    I would also suggest worrying about the effect this will have on the wife. If she knows already, there are still issues to work out that a professional can help with. If she doesn't know, it can be quite hurtful and sometimes devestating. In my opinion, changing a relationship as divorce will do... upsets a person no matter how cool they are with the change, and if they're not so comfortable, it can affect a person the same way as a death can. Sounds like the kids are old enough to not be an issue but if they were young, I would worry about the mothers' mental state for their sakes. For whatever my opinion is worth, I would consider others' feelings in the approach to coming out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:24 PM GMT
    Practice masturbating in the mirror, saying coy and romantic things to your reflection. Try various facial expressions and different kinds of underwear. That'll get you started.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2007 4:48 PM GMT
    That too...
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3462

    Jul 24, 2007 5:48 PM GMT
    Forgive me if I'm repeating other (sound) advice, but you need to be yourself. Dressing differently or acting differently is only going to get you into trouble. It's trite, but "be yourself." It's only going to emerge later anyway. And people can generally sense when people aren't authentic. Still, if you're looking to improve the way you look, look around and if you like the way someone dresses that you'd like to emulate, ask him where he gets his clothes. But, wear what makes you feel comfortable and reflects your personality. Don't wear something you wouldn't otherwise just because you think it will impress someone else.

    As far as getting yourself out there, is it really any different than your "straight life"? You'll go to a gay club or bar, or maybe make eye contact with someone at the grocery store. You walk up to them and say hello and take it from there. Of course, finding a club or bar that you like may take some time. Sometimes the same bar will have a different theme and crowd depending on the night, so do your research. Maybe you're not into bars and clubs -- there are generally different social clubs (gay hiking clubs, SCUBA diving clubs, sports teams, book clubs, on and on) all around the country. Find something you enjoy doing anyway, and if you HAPPEN to meet someone that way, fine. But you can put a lot of pressure and set yourself up for disappointment if you're going out or doing something with the expectation that you're always going to meet someone (I relearn this over and over.)

    At first you're probably going to just be interested in sex, which is fine. You're entitled! If that's what you're looking for, then you're probably set (except the very important step of using protection consistently if you're into anal sex, whether giving or receiving).

    If, or when, you're looking for something more stable and long-term, that's a bit more challenging. It can be tough out there. I'm sure you'll see a lot of profiles that address this: they're tired of flakes, cheats, liars, teases, gameplayers. You need to be upfront about what you want when you are ready to date. And sometimes it's not a good idea to have sex on the first, second, or even third date (my opinion). Sex can cloud things when you really need to get to know a person. Let's face it, you're not always going to find dating material at bars or clubs, so see above about possible other places to meet guys.

    There aren't really any universal "rules" for any of this. You have to find what works for you, which may take trial and error.

    Good luck,