Interracial relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 1:57 AM GMT
    Is it true that interracial relationships in the gay community really frowned upon? For example, if you saw a black/white couple in public or at the club or any where what would you think? I ask this because I use to like this guy that is half white and columbian.I asked him does he support gay interracial couples and he said "yes but, I wouldn't date a black guy because of the negative stereotypes that are held against them". Now he and I use to be good friends but after he told me this I stop talking to him to understand what he meant. The reason I was confused was because he would ask me questions about sex and to send him pic's of myself. It hurt because I told him things I've never told anyone else and he tells me that he wouldn't date me because I have a certain skin color. I'm still confused because how can he be a "friend" of mine but think that way about me?
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:06 AM GMT
    Being gay is looked down upon. Most of the country would accept a straight mixed couple before they would accept a gay same race couple. Some people I guess just don't get it.

    They are gay but what to give someone shit because they are black?

    How ridiculous.

    This guy is low class it’s good that you cut him loose.
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:42 AM GMT
    Hey RX4795, I started a thread with the exact same title as yours, you should check it out there are some very interesting comments there. I'm currently in a interracial relationship right now. I have dated all types of guys. I have found certain guys from other races to have certain expectations about black men and their sexual prowess. I have also encountered plain old fashioned racism, even within my owm race! The gay world is no different from the straight world in certain regards.

  • blkdevil66

    Posts: 74

    Jul 26, 2007 4:19 AM GMT
    This is an interesting one.
    I am black and my bf (of 10 yrs as of last friday the 13th) is white. He has been told several times while chatting online, only chatting to talk nothing else, things like "hey, is that black guy you bf" he answers yes and the person says something ignorant back like "you are a sick person for dating a black guy". One guy told me once my bf was gonna go to hell for dating me because I was black.

    I find it so hard to believe in this day and age of modern science, rockets, the internet and stretching peoples faces to make them look younger and pulling fat out of your arse to get rid of wrinkles that people still worry about the color of skin. Of course this is mainly here in the US more than other large countries, but we call ourselves the free world and yet they is so much prejudice and not just on the white side, on ALL sides. I have never once thought in terms of a persons color when thinking about dating them, not even looks. Usually it is the character of the person (or if you can make me smile and laugh).

    Being gay isn't hard enough I guess and neither is dating, but there is always that wrench thrown in there. Look at tons of gay dating sites and you will see tons of profiles with no black guys and no asian guys or no white guys. I don't see why people do not listen, scientist just proved that EVERYONE came out of Africa, so at some point WE were ALL same color. To bad it was Mint Green.
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    Jul 26, 2007 1:58 PM GMT
    I don't think the "gay community" (god I hate that phrase) frowns on too much where relationships are concerned. Interspecies stuff probably would get some heat as would pedophilia, but between consenting adults, the gay community has been pretty clear. Some within the gay community would say "not me", but I would say "bullshit". Also, how come when the word "interracial" comes up, people automatically get black/whitecentric? Like there's only two races.
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:01 PM GMT
    AMEN McGay!!!!
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:16 PM GMT
    It all seems very strange to me, that anybody would care about that. I recently noticed that one of the gay clubs in PDX was advertising a weekly "hispanic night," which in a way seems kind of backwards.
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:51 PM GMT
    Now that we discuss about interracial relationships, what about some guys who refuse to dated anyone from their own race. Back in college I know a lot of fellow gay Asian who only dated /looking for White guys only. Or gay black that not attracted to another dark skin guys. It kinda sickening to me, it like telling yourself "I dont think I am attractive because of my skin colour". In my younger day I used to dated White/Black/Latinos only due to unavailability of fellow Asian. (if there is goodlooking one they are straight) .But now back home all my bf is people of my own race. Simply put, I find them easier to get along with, they usually physically about my size (no six footer Westerner that I cannot even reach to kiss), understanding me better.

    However I do find those other race attractive, sexy and desirable, just they not really compatible to get into a relationship with. But I dont say I will not date non Asian again just havent meet anyone suitable yet. I hope I dont sound racist or anything. Just my view.
  • irishkcguy

    Posts: 780

    Jul 26, 2007 4:02 PM GMT
    I think there is as much racism in the gay community as there is anywhere, the sad thing is the gay community should be more sensitive to being singled out. When I go on gay "dating" sites I see a lot of profiles with "only into white guys" or "not into black guys" or "no asians" in the profiles. This is usually followed with the lame reasoning of "it's just a preference, I'm not really a racist." I think an attitude like that does have some racist origin whether they are aware of it or not.

    My thinking is this: gays are only about 10% of the population? If half of us are women then that leaves 5% of the planet to find a soulmate from. Those are pretty bad odds to begin with. By eliminating guys based soley on something as arbitrary as race, I think we shoot ourselves in the foot.
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    Jul 26, 2007 4:38 PM GMT
    I am Native American and French. I like white guys. I don't think I have ever run into racism, and I live in East Texas.
    My boyfriends at least have never told me anything.
    You really should not be listening to anything but your heart.
    Anything else, is just B.S.!
    If those people who are saying ugly things were getting laid, they would not have time to be judging people.
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    Jul 26, 2007 5:08 PM GMT
    why does everyone assume that if someone has an inclination towards dating men from a specific race or ethnicity that they are automatically racist?

    people cannot control who they are attracted to, so why would a principle of the concious mind be applied to an aspect of the brain not controlled by it?

    i'm really disappointed at the direction this thread is heading into. i thought perhaps people would discuss their experiences with interracial dating rather than complain about the contents of dating profiles. honestly, if someone's profile said they're not attracted to your race or ethnicity are you really going to allow it to make you feel inadequate? let it go! it's better to know in advance that you're not compatible before either of you endure any rejection.

    that being said----

    my boyfriend and i will be celebrating 3 years together in a month and we've yet to experience any negative responses or interaction. perhaps our skin tones being much closer than other couples (he being a fair-skinned latino & I being a darker italian) has had an effect. nevertheless, we've suffered far more prejudice being a gay couple than being an interracial couple...
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    Jul 26, 2007 6:15 PM GMT
    US society is patriarchical and racist to quite a large degree (even though there has been some progress in the past 40 years) so then, it makes sense that gays attitudes would reflect/mirror that of the larger society.

    I can happily say I've been with a broad variety of men on the color spectrum, though not without issues. Though it would be nice if everyone were enlightened, sadly many are not and stereotypes aren't so easily overcome when deeply ingrained. It's frankly tiring educating someone in "US Race Politics 101" and I think, at least for myself, it's why I've found it easier to date other minorities (which it must be said isn't Utopia).

    As in other areas, it's sad racial prejudice/preference limits the opportunities of so many for such extraordianary things (professionally and personally). I've encountered white men who were obviously attracted to me but they had so internalized the "taboo" that they didn't know where to begin or go with the conversation. Sad. I imagine a millenneum from now, people will look back on how society was organized along racial lines and shake their heads, wondering why such otherwise bright people allowed themselves not to utilize so much potential, losing out on so much great fun, love, and yes, sex.

    To quote a line from "Oklahoma": "...Follow your heart and whatever it tells you will be true." (Of course, Laurie lost the opportunity to have a guy who'd of been good around the house and adored her absolutely in Judd, but LOL, that's how it goes! It's a gay website!)
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    Jul 26, 2007 7:13 PM GMT
    I know that there are lots of problems in a lot of areas of the world and america where interracial is taboo still. Traveling around, you see it.

    That said, I don't think that having a preference is a problem. You are attracted to what you are attracted to, and why not go for it. Society will already damn you for sucking cock or liking dick, so what difference does skin color make?

    That said, I definitely have preferences, and I embrace them. Some things I'm just not attracted to - and no amount of pressure or advice will change that. it's been set in stone since I was a kid, and every time I go outside that, it doesn't work.

    People are who they are. you really don't ever change anyone, so just accept who they are or stay away...
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    Jul 26, 2007 7:44 PM GMT
    okay it's like this i am mixed and that has been hard for me!i always had a hard time feeling okay being me!but no matter what people had to say i would just do what i need to do once i came out it was like school days all over but i now know who gives a shit what people say or do we are all just looking for love and if thats look down on who cares?live your life for today and be happy cuse i know i am!!
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    Jul 26, 2007 8:24 PM GMT
    To qbsoul:

    An inclination is very different from a requirement. Mentioning our personal histories and patterns of attraction may well help someone else avoid rejection. However, there is a big difference between indicating such a pattern (e.g., "usually more attracted to white or latin guys") and making a requirement ("GWM4WM ONLY"). The latter is really a self-fulfilling prophecy, since by saying that to yourself, you will not be exposed to someone who might have otherwise caught your attention and changed that perspective, because you are mentally 'blocking' that possibility.

    I have also found that typically when there is a particularly hard racial line drawn in the area of physical attraction, there is some degree of more traditional racism along with it. Of course, mild to moderate racists are rarely admit that they hold these ideas... in many cases they may not even be consciously aware that they are 'over the line' between preference and prejudice. Very often, physical attraction is unconsciously linked to certain negative opinions/ideas about various racial groups. Self-imposed segregation perpetuates this.

    And your big question, why does it matter, if you're not compatible anyway? Though it might seem like this sort of thing is unchangeable, I think it's just more that the community at large has more power to change it than the individual does. Erego, if we ever got to the point where (for example) white and latin guys saw a profile that said "NO BLACK NO ASIANS" and found that attitude unattractive, there would probably be a pretty significant drop in this sort of behavior. Some people might just remove it from their profiles and still behave the same way, but I think it would force a lot of people to think about things differently as well.
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    Jul 26, 2007 8:41 PM GMT
    "People are who they are. you really don't ever change anyone, so just accept who they are or stay away..."

    I have to take issue with this statement in this particular context, Growing.

    For a period I facilitated "encounter groups" for black and white gay men. Without exception, when the white guys decided to experiment in spite of their initial discomfort, the interracial barrier collapsed quickly. Most of them were mystified by their own history. This was also my own case.

    There's no reason in the world to believe that our tastes aren't strongly affected by broad cultural attitudes. While we don't experience attraction as an expression of prejudice, when you are excluding an entire group of people because of an inherent characteristic like skin color, it most likely has some component besides the quirkiness of personal taste.

    Why change? Because the person doing the excluding is as deprived as the person who is the object of the exclusion. Most of us know life is more stimulating when we experience its eclectic pleasures, connecting with people who are different from ourselves. This is no less true of sex and love.

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    Jul 26, 2007 9:03 PM GMT
    My single most difficult lesson when I came out 13-14 years ago (and I've been reminded of it continuously ever since) is that the gay "community" is not really a community.

    Being the naive and idealistic 18 year old that I was at the time, I expected that a group which had possibly had faced discrimination of its own would be more open minded and aware of its own prejudices than society in general. If anything, I find the reverse is true - people react with even stronger heterophobia (which might be somewhat politically incorrect but is nevertheless given a STRONG wink of tolerance by gay society). I constantly hear gay men using expressions that would HORRIFY feminists, lesbians in particular. (I have never heard a straight man use the term "muff diver" or "fish" to refer to a female). Gay asians have all kinds of discrimination of their own. And many gay blacks seem to have even more difficult struggles.

    Maybe I'm just still disappointed that so few people have used the struggle of dealing with their sexual orientation as a catalyst for making themselves better, more educated people. Instead, a surprising number seem to throw their hands up in the air, apparently ending any quest to better themselves the instant they feel "gay pride," and even as they continuously babble about rampant homophobia, continue to live deeply bigoted, hypocritical lives.

    I often need to remind myself that the "gay community" is just an expression used to collectively refer to people whose commonalities are the result of a somewhat random biological trait, rather than a result of upbring, socialization, etc. But I digress.

    Your friend may have a "those people are this way, but you are an exception" mentality. It's hard to say. I would probably want to have a serious conversation with him.
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    Jul 26, 2007 9:04 PM GMT
    Hmm.... I had completely forgotten it, but when i first started internet dating, I was contacted three or four times by different people who said that they were attracted to me, but almost the first thing that they then asked was whether I had any non-caucasian ancestors (usually in more earthy language.) Obviously it was not a matter of attraction for those people, but pure racism.

    And I didn't get contacted by all that many people, so it was a relatively high percentage of the total.

    At the time, I think I was just grateful that they'd set off the "weirdo alarm" right away, before I'd gotten entangled with them in any way.

    But that was on a straight/bi site. I can't remember such an incident on a gay site. Much nicer people here!
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    Jul 26, 2007 9:06 PM GMT
    I'm not saying that people don't change. I'm saying that people don't normally change behavior in the long-term based on opinions and pressure from friends and acquaintances. Usually, when they encounter that type of pressure, it just recedes into a more private area of their personality and is not so obvious.

    And yes, I do believe that people can change - I'm a prime example of that.

    My point being, is that fundamentally, in MY own experience, people don't change all that much. They may go through some serious life-altering changes (such as I did) and their perspective may change, but hoping that someone is going to change because you, their friends, or acquaintances think that they should, usually doesn't work.

    And I agree with you, when you have a professional person helping you, it does help the process.

    If it is a case of racial bigotry, then hopefully that person would get help. I have dated many black and latin men (they tend to like redheads) and I have encountered racism on both sides of the color line. I've had several black bf's best friends call me "whitey" and put pressure on my exes to dump me. same as the latin community (but less often).

    But all that aside, I think people - to a CERTAIN extent - have preferences in who they date, and we should accept that. No need to apologize for our preferences.

    It runs both ways, and I think we should be a little more accepting of preferences and not automatically lump it into "racism". I personally think that interracial couples are beautiful and that they can learn a lot about each other and their respective communities.
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    Jul 26, 2007 9:22 PM GMT

    I agree that people don't change much at their core. That's one reason I'm not much for conventional psychology practices. We can become more of who we are. Attempting tranformation of our basic nature is a dubious enterprise.

    However, I don't think changing the color of your sex partner is a significant change. Overcoming racial prejudice, subtle or overt, is an easy business if you're willing to experiment. All you have to do is connect to the PERSON in front of you and question the rationale of your own "taste." It's educable.

    I don't think we disagree.

    Race is an absurd concept, anyway.

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    Jul 26, 2007 9:24 PM GMT
    totally agree.
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    Jul 26, 2007 9:39 PM GMT
    Sometimes I feel like I'm just completely missing things. Intellectually I understand that racism is still pervasive, even among the gay community. I can grasp that concept on a purely rational basis. But when I try to really understand the racism, on an emotional level, I just don't get it at all.

    Perhaps I've just lived a sheltered life, but in all the interaction I've had within the queer "community" (I agree with those that dislike that term; it isn't enlightening at all) racism has not been an issue. I've been attracted to guys of many ethnicities and have seen plenty of friends date people of other ethnicities without anyone ever blinking an eye. I've never even thought twice about any "problems" with being attracted to and dating people of different ethnicities than mine. Is that naive? As I said, I can understand and grasp it intellectually, but I can't fathom that racism on an emotional or experiential level.
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    Jul 27, 2007 2:32 AM GMT
    I am in a mixed race relationship and in my experience both myself and my boyfriend (african american) have been frowned upon. I think it goes both ways. Other african americans see him as a trader and other white boys have called me trashy for being with him. Just my experience. It just seems like to me that as a community that is frowned upon by most of the world we would not frown upon each other. What we need to be doing is help to build each other up instead of breaking each other down.
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    Jul 27, 2007 3:39 AM GMT
    I've never understood this but then I didn't grow up in a racist household. I've dated very few guys that weren't white because although I I've found many guys very attractive to me that weren't white who apparently didn't feel the same about me. No problem though. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.

    There are plenty of hot guys out there and that has nothing to do with race.

    I guess I just don't understand the mind of a biggot - and thank god for that!

  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jul 27, 2007 6:18 AM GMT
    ...bigotry is not exclusive to the hetero community...or for the white guys...

    ...although I have dated within just about all races, I tend to go for guys with dark the asian, latino, black, and dark haired white guys get my looks first...

    ...Every guy I have dated I thought was hot...and really couldn't have cared less what others thought and honestly, I don't think anyone would have had the balls to say anything different to me or my boyfriends at the time...

    ...I do remember one person asking me "when are you going to give the white boys a chance"...which I thought was an odd comment...I have my preferences and really don't control that or limit...

    ...what I can't figure out is who the hell is a good guy and who I should stay away that is a topic in and of itself...

    - David