I have a family question

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2008 11:42 PM GMT
    When you came out, how long did it take for your parents to get fully “adjusted” to it?

    I came out about a year ago. My dad said that I’d always be coming home to open arms and my mom asked me why I didn’t do it sooner. They have been 100% accepting and great about it.

    My mom would ask honest questions so she could understand it better. My dad wouldn’t really talk about it, but he would go out of his way to make sure that I knew I am still his son and he loves me.

    I have 2 younger brothers. They are basically taking it the way that younger straight brothers would deal with it. But, they are so much better than the way their age group handles it. Their biggest worries are that I’ll bring a guy home, have sex with him, and they’ll hear it cause they are next door, or that I’ll like one of their friends, hit on him, “turn him”, and then date him. But when it comes down to it, we still love each other very much.

    But now that a year has passed, it is almost like they still are not fully “adjusted” to it yet. (My mom mostly) When I am up in college, I can make gay jokes with ALL of my friends. (One of my friends even calls me Gaythan icon_wink.gif ) When I come home, I only make about 15% of the jokes. For example, if we play poker or some other card game, I call one of my hands “My Household”. It is just a hand that has the Queen of Hearts and the Queen of Diamonds in it. (Jokes like that are all I make around family) I wear sunglasses all the time when I am out so that I can check out guys and not let on where I am looking. Basically, I have REALLY censored myself to make them feel comfortable and to not just "bomb" them with it.

    My problem with this is that I hear that I am “flaunting it”, or “soliciting myself”, or that I am “trying to shock people”. I finally confronted my mom and told her that I can’t be myself around her or the family. She also said that she felt that jokes I say sound like I am making cuts against myself and being gay. She asked me if she was wrong and I told her yes. We talked more and she said that my dad and her are afraid I am going to do or say something around someone that won’t like gays and I’ll get beat up or killed. I have no idea what to say to that because that doesn’t scare me. I know that it could potentially come true, but for some reason, my feelings on that are just “Whatever”. Then she ALWAYS says things along the lines of, “Your brothers are taking this really well.” I have heard that so many times that it has almost lost meaning to me now. My mom also apparently discusses me with her gay friend at work. The moral of that info is that he didn’t act like I am, but that times have changed from when he was 20 to now.

    I just want to be able to be who I am to the fullest and not get questioned for it.

    Does anyone have any advice on what I could say or do to help her move on? I love my family and love that they care this much, but I am starting to almost feel that college is the vacation from family. I am also interested in learning about any of your experiences in this area.

    Thank you.
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    Jun 25, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    My mother cried for ten minutes, called her shrink and then within 20 minutes was out there preaching about how wonderful it is, how gays are oppressed and how she was going to make it all better... she was always a little.. umm .. different hahaha

    Brothers and sisters didn't give a damn, oldest shrugged her shoulders, told me I don't need her validation to live my life and that she loves me anyway then asked if I was hungry

    My father on the other hand he just said, and I shall quote every word that was uttered from him about me being gay "as long as your happy" thats all.

    Your mother is just worried about you, mothers do they, they tend to focus on the worst possibility.
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    Jun 26, 2008 12:51 AM GMT
    It took my mom a couple of years to adjust to the fact that I'm gay. My dad was very accepting as was my younger brother and sister. My sister even tried to set me-up with several of her college friends and once my brother helped me move into my partner's house - all he could say was "I never knew gay guys had this much stuff!". Mom's big worry was that I would get AIDS (it was in the late 80's) and every time I went home or spoke to her on the phone I got the lecture. I guess for some people it takes time to accept the fact that you are gay - and especially when you are her son.

    I used to watch my actions around my family - and then after a couple of years realized that I was just hurting myself; that's when I started introducing them to my friends. After that it wasn't an issue to crack a joke or look at a guy because I had let them into my life and they saw that it really wasn't any different than thiers. My recommendation - just be yourself and your Mom will come around. I'm sure she is just trying to "protect" you like my mom did.

    Good luck!