Gay Forums - Dating & Relationships - May we have to settle for less if it comes to find a Boyfriend?

May we have to settle for less if it comes to find a Boyfriend?

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Jul 23, 2008 6:19 PM GMT

The thread about ending up with a guy as you imagined brought me to open this thread. The mayority of the guys in the Thread answered that they wouldnt have thought that they would end up with their actual Bf.

So that brings me into thinking that all the dating is pointless. Why are we looking for dates and relationships if it seems like we search in the wrong direction?

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Jul 23, 2008 7:06 PM GMT

I think that dating is about possibility, curiosity, even hope.

But I rarely date, and it's been a long while since the last. I've been single for over six years despite meeting new people on a regular basis.

It could be that the act of dating sends signals to others that one is open to the idea of dating, moreso that one is willing to take an active role in seeking a relationship. It increases the number of options, including those options we hadn't envisioned in the first place.

In my case, my not dating might be a sign to others that I'm not ready. :-)

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Jul 23, 2008 7:08 PM GMT

Dating is to beat you down into accepting that you can't do better than just settle, so stop trying.

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Jul 23, 2008 9:29 PM GMT

Caslon5000 saidDating is to beat you down into accepting that you can't do better than just settle, so stop trying.

Wouldn't the be better said by an Lolcat? It certainly would seem less gloomy.

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Jul 23, 2008 9:34 PM GMT

I think it's just the human condition, we just don't know what we want

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Jul 23, 2008 9:43 PM GMT

maximumrisk said ... ... So that brings me into thinking that all the dating is pointless. Why are we looking for dates and relationships if it seems like we search in the wrong direction?

i don't believe that dating is pointless ...

the purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible with the other person ...

to find out if there is "chemistry" ...

to find out if you will commit into a relationship ...

to find out if you want to be with the other person for the rest of your life ...

and i don't believe that i have searched in the wrong direction ...

yes, i had dreams of an "ideal" boyfriend ... but that was more of the physical aspect, yea know, the "male model" type of boyfriend ... i did not bother to look into the other side aspect, yea know, emotional, passionate, romantic, sincere, honest, etc ... etc ...

but when i found my boyfriend, i realized that all i want in a boyfriend is for him to love me for who i am ... without conditions whatsoever ...

i don't care anymore if my boyfriend is not the "male model" type ... it does not matter no more ...

everything changed when i found my boyfriend who loves me and treats me like gold ...

now i'm happy ... and thats whats important to me ...

i guess i did not settle for less ... in fact, i settled for more ...

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Jul 23, 2008 9:52 PM GMT

diNgDonG said
maximumrisk said ... ... So that brings me into thinking that all the dating is pointless. Why are we looking for dates and relationships if it seems like we search in the wrong direction?

i don't believe that dating is pointless ...

the purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible with the other person ...

to find out if there is "chemistry" ...

to find out if you will commit into a relationship ...

to find out if you want to be with the other person for the rest of your life ...

and i don't believe that i have searched in the wrong direction ...

yes, i had dreams of an "ideal" boyfriend ... but that was more of the physical aspect, yea know, the "male model" type of boyfriend ... i did not bother to look into the other side aspect, emotional, etc ... etc ...

but when i found my boyfriend, i realized that all i want in a boyfriend is for him to love me for who i am ... without conditions whatsoever ...

i don't care anymore if my boyfriend is not the "male model" type ... it does not matter no more ...

everything changed when i found my boyfriend who loves me and treats me like gold ...

now i'm happy ... and thats whats important to me ...

Thats the thing though. It seems like with friendships. The real ones only seem to happen on their own. Every person you meet by choice in your life is in the end not really on your wavelength.(Dont know if you use that term in englisch)

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Jul 23, 2008 10:06 PM GMT

men are visual - and we look for the "hot" quality first, then get to know the person (for the most part). As our ideal partner reflects what we think we deserve, we tend to overvalue the hotness factor and sift through and discard the "chaff" of those that are less hot. Who we have at our side, how we hope they'll look anyway, reflects back on our value of ourselves. So, we sometimes tend to seek those that are "hotter" than we are so that we, in a way, can be validated for what we think we're worth - but, those who are hotter, tend to filter us out as chaff.

So, if by "settle" you mean to readjust your ideal of "hot," yeah, that may be needed. It depends on your priorities in qualities of a potential partner. Being hot and having hot sex are great, but, over time, the luster eventually fades and the internal qualities are what remain. What kind of those qualities do you/we seek?

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Jul 23, 2008 10:09 PM GMT

homonculus saidmen are visual - and we look for the "hot" quality first, then get to know the person (for the most part). As our ideal partner reflects what we think we deserve, we tend to overvalue the hotness factor and sift through and discard the "chaff" of those that are less hot. Who we have at our side, how we hope they'll look anyway, reflects back on our value of ourselves. So, we sometimes tend to seek those that are "hotter" than we are so that we, in a way, can be validated for what we think we're worth - but, those who are hotter, tend to filter us out as chaff.

So, if by "settle" you mean to readjust your ideal of "hot," yeah, that may be needed. It depends on your priorities in qualities of a potential partner. Being hot and having hot sex are great, but, over time, the luster eventually fades and the internal qualities are what remain. What kind of those qualities do you/we seek?

That's pretty deep.

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Jul 23, 2008 10:15 PM GMT

SilverBird said
homonculus saidmen are visual - and we look for the "hot" quality first, then get to know the person (for the most part). As our ideal partner reflects what we think we deserve, we tend to overvalue the hotness factor and sift through and discard the "chaff" of those that are less hot. Who we have at our side, how we hope they'll look anyway, reflects back on our value of ourselves. So, we sometimes tend to seek those that are "hotter" than we are so that we, in a way, can be validated for what we think we're worth - but, those who are hotter, tend to filter us out as chaff.

So, if by "settle" you mean to readjust your ideal of "hot," yeah, that may be needed. It depends on your priorities in qualities of a potential partner. Being hot and having hot sex are great, but, over time, the luster eventually fades and the internal qualities are what remain. What kind of those qualities do you/we seek?

That's pretty deep.

well, if you're looking for a boyfriend or partner that you want to stay or live with for the rest of your life, then you should be deep ...

is it not?

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Jul 23, 2008 10:18 PM GMT

diNgDonG said
SilverBird said
homonculus saidmen are visual - and we look for the "hot" quality first, then get to know the person (for the most part). As our ideal partner reflects what we think we deserve, we tend to overvalue the hotness factor and sift through and discard the "chaff" of those that are less hot. Who we have at our side, how we hope they'll look anyway, reflects back on our value of ourselves. So, we sometimes tend to seek those that are "hotter" than we are so that we, in a way, can be validated for what we think we're worth - but, those who are hotter, tend to filter us out as chaff.

So, if by "settle" you mean to readjust your ideal of "hot," yeah, that may be needed. It depends on your priorities in qualities of a potential partner. Being hot and having hot sex are great, but, over time, the luster eventually fades and the internal qualities are what remain. What kind of those qualities do you/we seek?

That's pretty deep.

well, if you're looking for a partner that you want to stay or live with for the rest of your life, then you should be deep ...

is it not?

I fully understand that, but i have a question. How does one go about finding a guy based on his inner qualities?

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Jul 23, 2008 10:29 PM GMT

Dating is like trying on a different pair of running shoes; some people have arches, others don't. Some people have mild overpronation and others have sever overpronation and others have supination. But you won;t know til you try on the right shoes.

Same thing with dating! You MAY have an "idea" of what you want however until you start dating people you don't know what you REALLY until you learn what you DON'T want!

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Jul 23, 2008 10:45 PM GMT

SilverBirdI fully understand that, but i have a question. How does one go about finding a guy based on his inner qualities?

Yeah - that part's less explicitly obvious.

I would think by common interests, especially those that would kind of entail personal values. Organizations, clubs, teams, personals I guess, political causes, music or other arts venues. Sports/activities seem to be a prime one here - so health and "real jocks" to be found here. Literary groups, hiking clubs, a night class on gender studies or whatever...

What qualities do you value in someone? And where would those kinda folks hang out? Bars are a catchall, but probably not the best place to meet people who seek a deep connection.

I guess that's the value of personal ads - you get a sense about someone before actually meeting them. AND get to check out their hotness quotient. ;)

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Jul 23, 2008 10:51 PM GMT

SilverBird said
That's pretty deep.

Tee hee!

I try, i try...

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Jul 24, 2008 12:40 AM GMT

That is one smart homunculus.

Caslon, you're such a rascal.

Maximumrisk, with a name like that you should have no trouble finding your way through the 'dating-life'.

We both enjoyed a1972guy's observation about how dating helps you find out what you DON'T like.

But, geez, settle for less? Don't do that! Just remember that going for brawn, brains, beauty AND a big heart is going to take considerably longer. But go for it. As you grow and change emotionally, so will your desires and recognition of your needs as opposed to wants.

Incidently, Bill would walk on water for me and I for him. Some people run from that calling it claustrophobic or clingy etc. We snicker snidely (bad Doug n Bill)at their blinkered vision.

"No greater love hath any man that he would lay down his life for his friend."

ego: "I wants PERFECTION!"
heart:" I want to love and be loved."
self: "I prefer both"

Brain: "I think we'd all better just sit down and talk about this." (compromise- not so bad at all, is it?)heheh

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Jul 24, 2008 1:06 AM GMT

You learn that ideal doesn't exist in real life. No one is perfect (even the ones that LOOK perfect).

Sure there are things about my partner that drive me crazy and I'm sure if I had any flaws

, he'd say the same about me.

But at the end of it all, after the umpteenth time I've picked his dirty clothes off the floor TWO FEET from the hamper and watching him come home with ANOTHER expensive new golf club, there's no one in the world I'd rather come home to than him.

Conversely, I can't imagine another man on God's green earth that could put up with my shit on a daily basis.

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Nov 14, 2008 4:24 AM GMT

Yes because if you are looking for Mr. Perfect, you will always get less!

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Nov 14, 2008 5:25 AM GMT

I am also happy to be single. A Boyfriend would be the best, but that happens when the time is right. Till then its no reason to cry over one in a million

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Nov 14, 2008 5:46 AM GMT

str8hardbody saidI'm hapy to be single. I don't need a man to make me compete. I had boyfriends & dated guys but to find an ideal & perfect boyfriend is impossible. It's about compatibilty, communication, understand & trust. It's more than looks cause looks fade away. You have to go deeper.

And besides, who could you possibly love more than you love yourself?

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Nov 14, 2008 6:41 AM GMT

Before we all run down the hallways of life screaming that there is no 'perfect' out there, remember Grace Jones. Her lyrics,

"I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you.."

True. Perfection lies wholly in the eyes of the beholder. Think about it; you see couples occasionally walk by to the concerted whispers of others,

"What's he doing with HIM." " Beauty meets the beast, giggle giggle." Nasty stuff, but the couple in question exist in an exalted state the observers are blind to.

I wrote a story about this.

Wanna read?

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Nov 14, 2008 6:49 AM GMT

I would never settle for less than I deserve, as long as I have realistic expectations.

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Nov 14, 2008 3:22 PM GMT

kwboulder saidI would never settle for less than I deserve, as long as I have realistic expectations.

That is it Realistic expectations!

I have several friends that have on their list for Mr. right..that he must make over 100K, drive the latest trendy car, have a body of god, etc etc etc. Then they wonder why they are still single when they themselves dont have those qualities.

For me, it was must be kind, thoughtful, caring, sense of humor. My husband told me on our second date that he was self centered, opinionated, SOB...I though.wow at least I know what I am getting. He is all those things, but I have watched him go the extra mile to help out friends, his loyal heart to me has been amazing these past 12 years.

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Nov 14, 2008 3:39 PM GMT

The thing is, I'm not even sure how to define "dating". How many times do you go out, when it crosses the line into dating? Too many times, the guy I'm seeing begins to refer to me as his boyfriend, and I'm not even sure we've been dating. Going out, having fun, movie/dinner, walks, even sex -- but when is it dating. Too often, I pull back and the poor guy gets kicked to the curb b/c he thought one thing and I thought another.

Or I'm seeing a couple of guys, and each of them thinks we're dating, and all I'm trying to do is determine where the chemistry is. It's hazy, to me.

I'm not being very articulate here -- sorry.

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Nov 14, 2008 6:14 PM GMT

maximumrisk saidThe thread about ending up with a guy as you imagined brought me to open this thread. The mayority of the guys in the Thread answered that they wouldnt have thought that they would end up with their actual Bf.

So that brings me into thinking that all the dating is pointless. Why are we looking for dates and relationships if it seems like we search in the wrong direction?

Life is less than perfect, and frankly at times messy and unpredictable. If we always got what we thought we wanted, we would probably be miserable.

I used to have a thing for dark-haired, thin, wiry men, preferably Italian, Spanish or Greek. Guess what? I never had a bf or even a sexual partner that fit that description. But I had a reasonably happy single life, and I have had a very happy life with my partner.

As the old cliche goes, "keep your eyes peeled". You never know what you could miss.

GQjock

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Nov 14, 2008 10:21 PM GMT

I take issue with the word you choose .... "settle"

No you don't need to Settle ... but you do need to keep your eyes and ears and mind open
If you come across someone who ordinarily isn't in your pool of "datable" guys don't be so quick to cross them off your list .... there is a reason you are attracted to them ... and it might not be noticeable until later on

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May we have to settle for less if it comes to find a Boyfriend?