Confused by the guys Im interested in.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2012 12:45 AM GMT
    Being a little too eager reduces your value; and transitively, the value of the guy that's interested in you. I don't think you should change who you are - honest, direct, pure. But I do think there is an 'art' to dating, and especially flirting. Have fun
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    Jul 07, 2012 12:46 AM GMT
    Larkin said
    IceBucket saidLearned from hard experience: guys are flaky assholes.


    Thread over.

    2wqaiyd.gif


    That is fucking funny icon_lol.gif

    Also gay guys prefer to take the tried and tested approach of ignoring when they are no longer interested than actually being forthcoming and honest.
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    Jul 07, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidBeing a little too eager reduces your value; and transitively, the value of the guy that's interested in you. I don't think you should change who you are - honest, direct, pure. But I do think there is an 'art' to dating, and especially flirting. Have fun


    Being a little too eager simply makes you come across as naive...and perhaps a little too eager.

    A Human Being's "value" is innate -- and not up for auction. Or pricing. They have value.

    Period.

    Yer price chart is irrellevant.

    And if you are the sort of "guy" that feels entitled to "evaluate" another Man based on anything other than who and what He truly is...than maybe it is YOUR "value" that needs to be examined.

    Perhaps if you felt there a bit more "art to dating"...you would do it more often.

    And be remembered the next day.

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    Jul 07, 2012 12:57 AM GMT
    I hope there's not someone for everyone, because the someone for me is gonna be looking for someone who is either off the market or off the planet. Maybe there's also a runner up for everyone?
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    Jul 07, 2012 1:07 AM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidI hope there's not someone for everyone, because the someone for me is gonna be looking for someone who is either off the market or off the planet. Maybe there's also a runner up for everyone?


    Edit:

    there is someone for Everyone who actually WANTS someone ... and participates in Life.
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    Jul 07, 2012 1:11 AM GMT
    It depends on what your ex means by direct and moving too fast. I usually like guys who are direct, as in honest, but it can also be a nice way of saying that you're rude. Moving too fast is subjective. Both guys have to be comfortable with the pace, and if they're not, then they either have to slow down or move on.
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    Jul 07, 2012 7:33 AM GMT
    Is moving too fast really being true to yourself? It seems like a cop out, like you know that it scares guys away and you still don't want to change.
    A relationship is not just you ("being all true to yourself") and the guy you didn't chase away yet. A relationship is you providing something to your partner. What if the guys you've been dating want romance (or the journey of learning about each other) while you're depriving them of that in a rush to the finish line?

    Also, it's a well -established fact that guys who work graveyard are desperate and needy. That schedule messes with your head.
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    Jul 07, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    Thanks to everyone who contributed a helpful response. You've given me a direction I didn't see before and a few things to think about. As for the less helpful posters, thanks for the laughs.
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    Jul 07, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    i'd agree. being true to yourself is 1 way, but relationships and dating are a 2-way street. you must ebb-and-flow with the other person. if you're too direct and too fast moving, as your friend says, you're not allowing the other person any say in how things move along together. so they will move apart and find someone more accommodating.

    remember: its not all about you. its about you two. good luck!
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    Jul 07, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    Its a crazy, slippery path to walk between being too interested and seeming uninterested...but why play that sort of game? is it so unattractive to you to know that someone out there who you have. begun to open up to, feels the same way and is just more open about it? Ill be specific, one guy says he had lots of fun today and I really lik spending time together!" a reply of "same here, super happy that we got to hang out today" is too direct?
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    Jul 07, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    IceBucket saidLearned from hard experience: guys are flaky assholes. Both guys I dated were this way exactly. Though truthfully, I do cling a bit and try to move too fast. But still - 21 years old. If you aren't interested - I CAN TAKE IT!



    You're calling guys "flaky assholes" while in the same breath admitting you're "clingy". Seriously? Eventually you'll put those two things together and realize clinginess CAUSES guys to lose interest. icon_rolleyes.gif

    When I call them flaky assholes, I mean that in a they aren't straight up honest. When I ask "are you still interested?" i expect an honest answer - not an answer that will just make me feel better and in turn make me cling longer. It really doesn't do anyone any favors. I continue to look like a pathetic loser and the other guy keeps getting bothered by a guy he has no interest in.

    I'm hoping number 3 won't be a flake and will be honest when he's done.
  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1511

    Jul 07, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    My experience has constantly been this:

    If you play hard to get / borderline ignore, they go nuts for you. If you show even an inkling of interest, they disappear. Dating can be so gods damn ironic.

    Dated a dude once that was extremely direct with me about finding me attractive and wanting to go out on a date with me. He told me about how he hated how men are so indirect and vague and are not straight forward in the dating process.

    It was nice to find someone direct and straight forward, so I went on the date, and I actually really liked him. So I was equally direct and told him I also found him attractive and liked our date.

    After the date, he disappeared into the wind and never heard from him again. [And no, there was no sex, just a fun afternoon walking around talking and eating sushi].
  • FredMG

    Posts: 990

    Jul 07, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    lifeat84 saidIts a crazy, slippery path to walk between being too interested and seeming uninterested...but why play that sort of game? is it so unattractive to you to know that someone out there who you have. begun to open up to, feels the same way and is just more open about it? Ill be specific, one guy says he had lots of fun today and I really lik spending time together!" a reply of "same here, super happy that we got to hang out today" is too direct?


    I feel for you brother - I've had similar problems. What annoys me is chatting with some one and they can't commit to spending the time to go have a beer with you but they still say "I'd love to meet you".

    And for what it's worth : you seem to be the kind of guy I'd take home to meet the family!
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    Jul 07, 2012 8:19 PM GMT
    IceBucket said
    Scruffypup said
    IceBucket saidLearned from hard experience: guys are flaky assholes. Both guys I dated were this way exactly. Though truthfully, I do cling a bit and try to move too fast. But still - 21 years old. If you aren't interested - I CAN TAKE IT!



    You're calling guys "flaky assholes" while in the same breath admitting you're "clingy". Seriously? Eventually you'll put those two things together and realize clinginess CAUSES guys to lose interest. icon_rolleyes.gif

    When I call them flaky assholes, I mean that in a they aren't straight up honest. When I ask "are you still interested?" i expect an honest answer - not an answer that will just make me feel better and in turn make me cling longer. It really doesn't do anyone any favors. I continue to look like a pathetic loser and the other guy keeps getting bothered by a guy he has no interest in.

    I'm hoping number 3 won't be a flake and will be honest when he's done.



    You're not being realistic dude. That's like a chick walking up to a man and asking hime if she's fat. People HATE confrontation and hurting someone's feelings, so expecting them to answer that question honestly is ridiculous. You know when a guy is not interested anymore by his behavior, so to ask him such an embarrassing question is passive-aggressive. If you're at the point where you're asking a guy that question, you already know he's over it and your question is just to punish. No offense, but dating you must be what it feels like to date a chick.
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    Jul 07, 2012 8:31 PM GMT
    Studinprogress saidMy experience has constantly been this:

    If you play hard to get / borderline ignore, they go nuts for you. If you show even an inkling of interest, they disappear. Dating can be so gods damn ironic.

    Dated a dude once that was extremely direct with me about finding me attractive and wanting to go out on a date with me. He told me about how he hated how men are so indirect and vague and are not straight forward in the dating process.

    It was nice to find someone direct and straight forward, so I went on the date, and I actually really liked him. So I was equally direct and told him I also found him attractive and liked our date.

    After the date, he disappeared into the wind and never heard from him again. [And no, there was no sex, just a fun afternoon walking around talking and eating sushi].

    Men can be such idiots.



    They're not idiots. You're just unaware of how human psychology works. Two things must exist for sexual/romantic interest to exist:

    • DOUBT - Doubt is a vital component of attraction. And once you remove it from the equation, interest will soon vanish. Telling a person you "like" them too soon removes doubt very quickly.

    • HOPE - You can't just totally snub someone and keep their interest either. A tiny bit of hope is all that is needed. Too much hope however will indirectly remove doubt, so be careful about giving too much. It's a delicate balance.

    At some point this little game can be discarded to a large degree. I don't think any of us like the fact that this game must be played, but you will be forced to play it whether you like it or not.
  • NerdLifter

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    Jul 07, 2012 9:06 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidThey're not idiots. You're just unaware of how human psychology works. Two things must exist for sexual/romantic interest to exist:

    • DOUBT - Doubt is a vital component of attraction. And once you remove it from the equation, interest will soon vanish. Telling a person you "like" them too soon removes doubt very quickly.

    • HOPE - You can't just totally snub someone and keep their interest either. A tiny bit of hope is all that is needed. Too much hope however will indirectly remove doubt, so be careful about giving too much. It's a delicate balance.

    At some point this little game can be discarded to a large degree. I don't think any of us like the fact that this game must be played, but you will be forced to play it whether you like it or not.

    I deleted the "idiot" comment; was thinking about what I said when I walking back from the gym, and it was a bit extreme. And I am not unaware; I just find the juggling/balance game of showing interest vastly ironic, especially for gay men. It boils down to a numbers game: there is a much lower gay population density compared to our straight counterparts [in most areas]. So meeting a compatible mate is already statistically lower. On top of that, both parties have to be mutually interested before dating can commence. Then you have to play the game, and one wrong move and he loses interest.

    It is a statistical series probability calculation. The game is dumb. Just because that is the way the human psyche works, doesn't make it any less ironic. [People looking for long term relationships, and yet turn people they once found attractive down just for showing mutual interest; that is an inherent irony].

    My other point on my earlier post was: he wanted to me to be direct with him if I had any interest, and by me doing so, he lost interest. And he wonders why he is still single.
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    Jul 08, 2012 1:49 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    IceBucket said
    Scruffypup said
    IceBucket saidLearned from hard experience: guys are flaky assholes. Both guys I dated were this way exactly. Though truthfully, I do cling a bit and try to move too fast. But still - 21 years old. If you aren't interested - I CAN TAKE IT!



    You're calling guys "flaky assholes" while in the same breath admitting you're "clingy". Seriously? Eventually you'll put those two things together and realize clinginess CAUSES guys to lose interest. icon_rolleyes.gif

    When I call them flaky assholes, I mean that in a they aren't straight up honest. When I ask "are you still interested?" i expect an honest answer - not an answer that will just make me feel better and in turn make me cling longer. It really doesn't do anyone any favors. I continue to look like a pathetic loser and the other guy keeps getting bothered by a guy he has no interest in.

    I'm hoping number 3 won't be a flake and will be honest when he's done.



    You're not being realistic dude. That's like a chick walking up to a man and asking hime if she's fat. People HATE confrontation and hurting someone's feelings, so expecting them to answer that question honestly is ridiculous. You know when a guy is not interested anymore by his behavior, so to ask him such an embarrassing question is passive-aggressive. If you're at the point where you're asking a guy that question, you already know he's over it and your question is just to punish. No offense, but dating you must be what it feels like to date a chick.

    And I did realize how passive-aggressive and pathetic and utterly pussylike that was of me to ask that up front. But lets take a different scenario: go out on a date. Everything went well. Talk two days later "Want to go get something to eat sometime?" Ask him on a second date..."OH yeah sure! I'd love to!" Never heard from him again after asking when he was available. In this case, if he really didn't want to, I should expect him to say "No thanks." And you'd be glad to know that I didn't heckle or ask him anything after that. Two or three days went by and I just threw out his number and said fuck it.

    Buuuuut....you are right. As hard as I try not to act like some needy chick - comes back in some sort of psychotic way. I'm just not cut out for this sort of thing.

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    Jul 08, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    I don't mind making some adjustments to please a guy - after all, the opposite is being "all about me". And from what I've experienced with some guys who were indeed all about them, I would never want to inflict that on someone. Two guys who learn to be "all about us" are the best BF and husband material.

    But it's also difficult to know what's moving too fast or being just right with a guy. Being just right may not be apparent for a while, as the relationship slowly grows and solidifies. But moving too fast, or making some other mistake, may result in things ending so quickly you're left wondering what you did wrong, as you seem to be doing here.

    It can take a long time to find the right guy, making many mistakes along the way with plenty of men. But it's that experience more than anything that eventually teaches you the best approach, and how to make those accommodations I think every couple should make for each other.

    Because to find a guy who's "on track" with you will likely require some minor adjustments on his part, too. So try to meet him half way, and work together on this.

  • ohioguy12

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    Jul 08, 2012 3:19 AM GMT
    lifeat84 saidAll goes well for a few weeks maybe months


    If you can keep a guy's interest for weeks or months, count your blessings
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    Jul 08, 2012 3:32 AM GMT
    ohioguy12 said
    lifeat84 saidAll goes well for a few weeks maybe months


    If you can keep a guy's interest for weeks or months, count your blessings
    Weeks or months is easy. Years take a little bit of work. Decades is a realm I've yet to accomplish (other than friends, which some have lasted since high school).
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    Jul 08, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    Hmmm....cling or flake...I have done both. And I think most men have. Those who have only clinged but not flaked off are probably really confused though. Sometimes two people click, immediately, and love happens. This is the most common way falling in love happens. Sometimes people who are in actual proximity (friends, neighbors) fall in love, but it is generally not via texting or email. They are around each other and find they fall in love over time. But they are actually ~around~ each other, not texting!

    With regard to modern dating with phone text and email, you can actually have a very long conversation with someone and then meet them and the chemistry is just not there. Unfortunately, most men either don't want to create embarrassment by being direct and hope the unresponsiveness to your texts or emails will suffice (or they are just cowards!).

    The worst case is when you are dating a guy who is only interested in having sex with you to see if he likes the sex, but you are interested in a relationship. He has his taste and loses interest.

    I'm not sure what your facts are as it seems you left out the important point, that being if there was ever a physical component. Did you kiss, make out, get nude? Maybe it is a simple as he did not like how you kissed or your dick wasn't big enough. This visual/sexual preference thing can be very specific. I once was told by a friend that he was breaking up with his boyfriend because he just could not stand the way his skin tasted when he licked it. I think this is less common, someone falls for you, the chemistry is not quite there, but they persist and it ends in disaster.

    All the best,

    Kevin
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    Jul 09, 2012 1:13 AM GMT
    Studinprogress saidMy other point on my earlier post was: he wanted to me to be direct with him if I had any interest, and by me doing so, he lost interest. And he wonders why he is still single.
    Some can dish it but cant take it. They might say so to be politically correct but they cant take it.

    Also remember: "the lady doth protest too much"
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    Jul 09, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    usguyingoa said someone falls for you, the chemistry is not quite there, but they persist and it ends in disaster.
    True. Lots of guys will 'try and make it work' if that involves making changes and compromises, as relationships require, then ok. But trying to force the relationship to work for whatever reason isnt a good idea.
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    Jul 09, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    Larkin said
    IceBucket saidLearned from hard experience: guys are flaky assholes.


    Thread over.

    2wqaiyd.gif


    And yet we all go after them...
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    Jul 09, 2012 12:44 PM GMT
    Studinprogress said People looking for long term relationships, and yet turn people they once found attractive down just for showing mutual interest; that is an inherent irony].

    Almost no one turns someone down solely because of faulty gamesmanship. There are a thousand tiny visual and tactile cues that make chemistry. If any of the cues are wrong the chemistry will feel wrong. The process is so subtle you may be completely unaware of why it isn't working.
    That's one reason why guys lose interest without explanation.