I'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years

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    Jul 13, 2012 6:52 AM GMT
    yourname2000

    Everything you stated makes great sense. I deeply appreciate your well thought input and others like yours. This is what I am seeking here. Thank you for sharing your time and thoughts for which it is deeply appreciated and respected.
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:19 AM GMT
    I know it sounds scary but try to talk things through with a trained counsellor (not a religious consellor, btw). You've raised a lot of interesting points and there are a lot of guys on this site who have been in your shoes.

    I'm particularly interested in the comment you made about losing your kids. In this day and age I really think you are letting your fears get away from you. You're probably looking at this from the perspective you had 20-30 years ago. I know two families broken up by marital affairs (straight) and in both cases the "jilted" spouse insisted to me that their kids would "hate" the cheater. Didn't come to pass because at the end of the day the kids realized two things: their parents weren't perfect and they loved both parents.

    You should also consider the worst case situation. Ie. that your wife actually leaves you. Always helps to have a Plan B. Recently another RJ member confided in me that he was stunned when his wife left him. He had no idea she was thinking of doing so. Sounds to me like your wife might very well be keeping her eyes open for a Plan B of her own so you should just prepare.

    Have courage. One thing I've heard often in this site is that the fear of being outed or coming out is worse than what actually happens once that act is taken.
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    Jul 13, 2012 9:10 AM GMT
    Thats Karma brother
    u played with being a straight rejecting & denouncing what you are
    karma came as your wife doesnt love you


    Its because everyone needs physical needs
    so be it your wife
    How can a gay man Satisfy a girl sexually ?
    so its obvious she had to choose elsewhere

    Well it matters much only if you have sex outside marriage cause its liking fooling two lives at the same moment & so is your wife


    think of your kids
    U have a responsibility to task out
    raise your kids
    give them all they need & dont make them hide or be ashamed of what they are

    I wished you had the courage to speak out
    being an American & being a closet is a real joke

    Do you even know how hard it is to be a gay in the middle-east ?
    yet even after life threats i continue to live proudly
    & u being an American you have always been given the liberty to be what you need or wanna be

    im just sad why you hid yourself
    & played the straight "gay" role

    i dont support your silence

    i feel im much of a man knowing i can be killed anytime or shot down in the middle-east yet im being who i am --- thats my god's gift to me ain't nobody guide me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 9:48 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    "I am in love with my wife but I often wander her true feelings toward me to this very day."

    compared to

    " The deep strong desires I have toward other men and dealing with the gut wrenching difficulties I've been experiencing all my life have finally driven me to this point."

    This is sounding like BI, not gay, which is fine, you know.







    Yes there is nothing wrong with being bi, and bi is not gay, I do feel for you both.
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    Jul 13, 2012 10:56 AM GMT
    It seems to me that both you and your wife need to own what's going on in your marriage. If you are no longer interested in being a couple, then move on. From what you describe, the distance between you is not so much about whether you are gay as it is about wanting other things from life.

    You can't end your marriage without accepting some responsibility. Don't live in denial and try to look like the good spouse who remained faithful until his wife left him. Wouldn't you rather agree to mutually separate under good terms?

    None of us knows enough about your situation to really advise you. I agree with the others that a neutral professional could help. I would not make separation about blame, rather focus on moving toward the things that you both want that will make you happy. Your kids will understand.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1558

    Jul 13, 2012 10:57 AM GMT
    I would recommend that you find a gay friendly therapist to help you begin to sort through some of your thoughts. A gay coming out group might be helpful also, but I see you live in OK, which may be a problem in your location.What you are going through is somthing a lot of guys go through at the initial stages of coming to terms with their sexualtiy. I know a lot of guys who have been married, have children and have gone through this same thing. I have never met anyone who regretted leaving their old lives behind.
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    Jul 13, 2012 10:59 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Hardlee saidClarification: I'm in love with my wife because yes I do love her, made commitment to her 20 years ago and she is the mother of my children. But I find I am not attracted to women but deeply attracted to men. I got married because I was forcing myself then not to act and go with my true feelings. I hope this provides clarity.
    If there were truly no attraction, how did your dick get hard?

    That's why I came out at age 21. I tried to fuck a few women, but I just couldn't get it up...even with them sucking with all their might.


    I'm gay, but I had no problem fucking or getting sucked by women when I was in college. Everyone is different.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16505

    Jul 13, 2012 11:30 AM GMT
    Well first, let me say that I feel for you. I could certainly sense in your original post how confused and frustrated you are with you life, how much you love your kids and care for your wife.

    I would encourage you to start with this.... set the whole gay thing aside for a minute. You have a wife who may not want to be married to you, who does the "men on the internet" and girls night out (not that there is anything wrong with a girls night out, other than she might be using it as a means of "escape" from your marriage, albeit for a short period.) You said she has ask you for a divorce, but you have avoided the topic. I think you start there.

    Regardless of whether you are gay or what you want..you need to talk about what she wants and certainly, your concern for your children with this marriage.
    NO MORE AVOIDING ANYTHING! I understand you are scared, but trust me, nothing lasts forever and you need to have some happiness. Talk to her, if she doesn't want you anymore, then get a divorce. If that happens, work to see your children's interests are foremost what you consider.

    As far as your sexual orientation... yeah, you need to be happy, but I see the above as your "first and foremost" concerns. You need to learn the art of
    "communication and honesty" .... first with your wife and then yourself.
    Based on that, I think you will have a better path to your future.

    Sorry I can't be more supportive to you. There are guys here who can give you support, but in the end.... you must make the steps to a more secure life.
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    Jul 13, 2012 11:56 AM GMT
    Been there, done that.

    From experience, it's scary, but being able to be who you are without hiding behind the facade of the"perfect marriage" is liberating. Don't wait on wifey to announce she's leaving so you can get away guilt free.

    Once you and the little Mrs have the talk, get thee to a counsellor immediately, so you can work through the issues quickly so that the kid's lives are impacted in the least way possible. Kids are pretty smart, they know right now that things aren't right, and they may even know what the root cause is. Mine did.

    Good luck. Since you have kids, make sure you ask yourself "how will this action impact them?" before you do anything. You brought them into this situation, you have to navigate them safely out of it.
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    Jul 13, 2012 11:58 AM GMT
    I haven't read any of the replies because, knowing this forum, most are likely to be catty (particularly from the younger members). I suggest you ignore any negative comments.

    You are not in a unique situation, though if what you have provided is at least 90% truthful, you are more unique than most bi-closeted, married men because you remain monogamous even though your wife likes to play with others.

    You love your wife but you are not in love with her. You have raised two beautiful children together (congratulations). Those experiences create a bond between couples; a bond that will never dissolve - not even after a divorce.

    Face it, you and your wife are not happy together. If you love her, you need to be honest with her. Your children are practically out of the house. It's almost time ... you need to let her go. She's not a piece of property. Let her be happy and, more importantly, let yourself be happy.

    You don't need to tell her or your children about your sexual desires; not at this time, anyway. Who knows, perhaps that time will never come. You can, however, pursue those desires safely once you are no longer bound (legally) to your wife.

    You're not an old man. You have at least another 30 years left on this plane, so I suggest you live the rest of your life on your own terms. Don't do anything to hurt those you love, including yourself.

    Remember that a divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing for a couple. If done correctly, with the best intentions for both, you and your wife could become strong allies and true 'best friends'. But if you continue down the road you're on now, the misery and resentment will continue to fester until death do you part.
  • Sportsfan1

    Posts: 479

    Jul 13, 2012 12:06 PM GMT
    You are not the only "gay" person in this situation. I am currently involved woth a married man. His situation is entirely different from yours. His wife knows about him and accepts it and is even supportive of his "outside" activities. Yours does not sound like much of a marriage on your wife's part. It seems she no longer wants to be with you. I am sure she either suspects about you or already knows and is waiting for you to mess up so she can get the upper hand. Your son is almost legally and adult, your 12 year old daughter would probably be shared custody. Find a very good divorce lawyer. Know where you stand financially, emotionally and mentally. Be true to yourself. You owe yourself to find out at least if you can be happy with another man. Give it a try I think you may be pleasantly surprised. Wishing you all the very best!
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    Jul 13, 2012 12:16 PM GMT
    You're not in love with your wife. You're simple use to the routine you guys have and are living in fear of what it would be like if the routine ended. You can't be in love with someone whom you don't emotionally & physically connect with. Get a divorce and embark on a new chapter of YOUR life.
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    Jul 13, 2012 12:19 PM GMT
    OP: paragraph breaks are your friends.

    "My wife and anyone who knows me has no clue that I am "gay", which I have been ever since I was in my early twenties."

    If you are gay or bi, it's likely your wife knows SOMETHING isn't quite right, in terms of your relationship with her. Been there, done that: they know, they sense it, even while they may try to deny & ignore it.

    You have not been gay since your early twenties. Rather that's when you may have become aware of it. You were born gay, or bi, or straight. We all are.

    You now have to balance existing family obligations against a sexual orientation that is likely not compatible with them. Not an easy choice. Really too many variables to give you exact advice.

    But if you wanna act on your gay sexuality in a more controlled environment and learn about it, with less chance of sexual assault, there are some gay places in OKC near the Habana Inn. The Inn itself gets more grungy every year (stayed there 4 times myself), be surprised if it's still open. But you live there, Google gay bars & clubs and see.

    Or attend some gay social events if you can get a few hours away from home, even an MCC church, and have ordinary contact with gay men. Once you spend some time with us maybe your decision about what to do with your life will be easier, one way or the other.
  • SwimBIkeRun94...

    Posts: 480

    Jul 13, 2012 12:23 PM GMT
    Here are some of the things I took away from your post:

    You think people don't know you're gay, but they probably do.

    Being gay/bi is still a very taboo topic to raise, especially when one's not out, and in probably 90%+ of the coming out stories people tell around here and on other websites, almost always the confidant says, "I always sort of suspected but didn't want to say anything," or something of that nature.

    So while you say family and friends would be devastated if they found out, don't think they don't suspect already, because often times when people get the "vibe," they will fervently try to ignore their feelings as a way to respect you better. (It's odd, but true, although it can also be the complete opposite. One of my friends claims to be straight, but I'm 99% convinced he's gay, so whenever he raises gay topics (which he does quite frequently), I make suggestions like, "oh please just come out already it's no big deal, I did it!")

    Divorce is common; don't worry about losing your kids


    People get divorced for a variety of reasons, and I would argue this might be one of the most honorable reasons.

    Think of the alternatives: infidelity, abuse of finances, drug/alcohol problems, physical/mental abuse, etc. That you kept something bottled up to protect your family, and that coming out when you were in your 20s wasn't as accepted as it may be today, isn't nearly as bad as the other options.

    You are still the father of your children, you've provided for them throughout the years, and no judge will take them away from you.

    Grow a pair, and tell your wife

    She's looking at other men for a reason; whether she suspects you're gay, or wants dick from another place, she's unhappy.

    I got the sense you're hoping she does find somebody, so you can then get divorced, and the reason for said divorce won't be that you're gay, rather she cheated, and you can continue hiding from the truth.

    It's time to man up. Sit her down and tell her you love her, you love the family you've created together, but you like dick.

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    Jul 13, 2012 1:06 PM GMT
    sounds like the marriage is already over.

    your kids can see that neither of you are happy in the marriage and they are old enough to understand. they'd rather see their parents happy than continue in a marriage that doesn't work.

    end the charade.
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    Jul 13, 2012 1:19 PM GMT
    If it helps, I know a kid from high school in a middle class suburb whose dad got divorced and now lives with a guy. His daughter and son still love him
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    Jul 13, 2012 1:24 PM GMT
    I suppose as a gay guy married to a woman for 25 years, I should be all understanding and shit, but for the life of me, I will never understand how a gay guy could knowingly marry a woman without being up front about being gay. My take on this is that the marriage is basically over, she wants out, and you're holding her hostage. Time to let go and get a divorce.
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    Jul 13, 2012 1:31 PM GMT
    paradox saidI suppose as a gay guy married to a woman for 25 years, I should be all understanding and shit, but for the life of me, I will never understand how a gay guy could knowingly marry a woman without being up front about being gay. My take on this is that the marriage is basically over, she wants out, and you're holding her hostage. Time to let go and get a divorce.



    I agree with this...

    I am sorry.. don't wanna be a dick and "attack" ya.. but

    I mean.. I could have had TONS of hot gf's and even possibly been married! But I know my deal.. I know it'd never work.... I know more people would be hurt and mad over my inability to know what I want outta life.

    Good luck to you... next time try not to make a commitment to something you know isn't right from the get go.
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    Jul 13, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    It sounds like you are just venting but going to stay as you are, true?
    I was in a similar situation. 27 years married, 3 kids and an ex- that was getting angry and not fun anymore. I finally, came out 3 years ago. Divorced and my kids told me they are sad about the divorce but GLAD I am happy. HONESTY is the best thingl.....the ex- is frinely andalways nice to my partner, my kids are happy for me and I am sooo glad I did it. YOU cannot lead any kind of quality life in the closet and EVERYONE will be better off infyou fess up! Best of luck and I am here for you if you need to talk some more EVER.....good luck, Barry
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 13, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    I feel sorry for your wife. You should tell her you don't mind if she's sleeping with other men, and that you would like to sleep with men too.

    If you're scared people will reject you for your honesty, it's only because you've been lying all your life.

    People will like you better if you're honest and you'll like yourself better too. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 13, 2012 1:46 PM GMT
    credo saidI haven't read any of the replies because, knowing this forum, most are likely to be catty (particularly from the younger members). I suggest you ignore any negative comments.

    You are not in a unique situation, though if what you have provided is at least 90% truthful, you are more unique than most bi-closeted, married men because you remain monogamous even though your wife likes to play with others.

    You love your wife but you are not in love with her. You have raised two beautiful children together (congratulations). Those experiences create a bond between couples; a bond that will never dissolve - not even after a divorce.

    Face it, you and your wife are not happy together. If you love her, you need to be honest with her. Your children are practically out of the house. It's almost time ... you need to let her go. She's not a piece of property. Let her be happy and, more importantly, let yourself be happy.

    You don't need to tell her or your children about your sexual desires; not at this time, anyway. Who knows, perhaps that time will never come. You can, however, pursue those desires safely once you are no longer bound (legally) to your wife.

    You're not an old man. You have at least another 30 years left on this plane, so I suggest you live the rest of your life on your own terms. Don't do anything to hurt those you love, including yourself.

    Remember that a divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing for a couple. If done correctly, with the best intentions for both, you and your wife could become strong allies and true 'best friends'. But if you continue down the road you're on now, the misery and resentment will continue to fester until death do you part.


    Agreed, bang-on advice.....this is a guy whose got his head screwed on unlike a lot of the guys on here who are only here to to massage their own egos! Some good advice around, take it, the catty comments, ignore....no one can give you the right or wrong answer, YOU have to make the choice what is easier to live with but talking it through creates clarification and you're taking the right steps to get there. Interestingly a mate of mine had a similar dilema in his 30's when he seprarated from his wife. He fought what he thought were gay urges but when he acted upon them he realised it was not what he had been looking for all along and is now happily married again to his second wife. You don't have to label yourself gay, bi, straight...just enjoy the moment of who you are with without the pressure of thinking you need it endorsed by society. Good luck and hope you find what you are looking for!
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    Jul 13, 2012 1:54 PM GMT
    Sam_u_el saidThats Karma brother
    u played with being a straight rejecting & denouncing what you are
    karma came as your wife doesnt love you


    Its because everyone needs physical needs
    so be it your wife
    How can a gay man Satisfy a girl sexually ?
    so its obvious she had to choose elsewhere

    Well it matters much only if you have sex outside marriage cause its liking fooling two lives at the same moment & so is your wife


    think of your kids
    U have a responsibility to task out
    raise your kids
    give them all they need & dont make them hide or be ashamed of what they are

    I wished you had the courage to speak out
    being an American & being a closet is a real joke

    Do you even know how hard it is to be a gay in the middle-east ?
    yet even after life threats i continue to live proudly
    & u being an American you have always been given the liberty to be what you need or wanna be

    im just sad why you hid yourself
    & played the straight "gay" role

    i dont support your silence

    i feel im much of a man knowing i can be killed anytime or shot down in the middle-east yet im being who i am --- thats my god's gift to me ain't nobody guide me


    Mate, you are no different to a thousand other guys who have lived/live in the middle-east, including myself who have been in your shoes, hating on another guy does not make you a bigger man, we all have choices and it's not yours to dictate whose right and whose wrong otherwise you're as bad as half of the despotic and tyranical leaders who won't allow for people to choose to live their lives the way the feel most comfortable....just saying!
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    Jul 13, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    The truth sets everyone free...once they accept it.
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    Jul 13, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    Read all of it....Sounds like you're experiencing an awakening and a realization of the foundations that make you...YOU...First...even through your difficult marriage something good came of it...your son and daughter...Second...your wife has cheated on ya...physically and mentality......I kinda think you may be in denial about that...Third...You can retain your religious beliefs after a gay transformation...I did it...Fourth...You said that guy sexually assaulted you.but secretly you wanted to partake...that's not assault...take responsibility for your role and rationale...he didn't forcefully drag you behind the bushes...You can't rape the willing....This all leads to one thing...You have a complex dynamic to weed through..Too complex for a gay fitness site to assist you with...SEEK THERAPY...seek it for your awesome kids...seek it to get past your sexual blocks...Do this for you...Happiness lies where personal satisfaction thrives...Do this or continue to drift in limbo....
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    Jul 13, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidThe truth sets everyone free...once they accept it.
    That's a lie.