I'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 2:45 PM GMT
    I think it bears mentioning that you talk about your wife and children as if you possess them. Maybe you need to rethink the way you relate to your family. What is the right way to relate to your wife and children?

    (If your wife has asked for divorce, isn't it cruel to ignore her--if you don't want a divorce, then make your case. But it seems as if you want to control her, and that doesn't sound loving to me.)

    Also, whatever you might do, I think it's important to find a way to live without deep internal conflict--for the sake of leading a fulfilling life.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11422

    Jul 13, 2012 2:48 PM GMT
    Your Life ... Your Choices ... You Won't Get Any Do Overs Or Opportunities
  • joxguy

    Posts: 249

    Jul 13, 2012 3:01 PM GMT
    Hey happily married 35 years two grown kids and yes like men too. Love to seriously chat with you. joxguy on yahoo or skype.
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    Jul 13, 2012 3:04 PM GMT
    One of my good friends recently went through the same thing. After many years of marriage, 3 kids and a really dark time in his life, he finally came out and so much happier.

    He told his wife a few years back and it took time to get over the hurt and betrayal as they were high school sweet hearts. They more civil to each other now, don't think they're going be best friends anytime soon though.

    Life is too short to live it everyday in our own self created personal hell.
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    Jul 13, 2012 3:09 PM GMT
    I agree with the guys other post. I played the straight game for 22 years my now ex wife has moved on. She knew for the last ten years. I decided that this was enough. We divorced uncontested I am all out to everyone. One regret was I wish I had done it sooner. My daughter loves me she told me the other daddy your the happiest I have ever seen you. It would be my guess your wife may already know. One final thing live your life and live in peace and be happy. I made it thru and came out on the other side. I now love myself and my life. Btw I am in relationship with a wonderful sweet guy>. Drop me some email I can share with u some answers i found reguarding the faith issue...val
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 24055

    Jul 13, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    soulman1969 said

    Life is too short to live it everyday in our own self created personal hell.



    ^^^ This ^^^ You coming out to your wife and kids doesn't make you love them any less. However, being honest with them will give them the chance, and you the wonderful gift, of them being able to prove to you that their love for you is unconditional. You deserve to live your life as the man you truly are, NOT the man you think people expect you to be.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11422

    Jul 13, 2012 3:42 PM GMT
    Here is what you need to focus on:

    "The times I caught my wife engaging in serious and explicit activity with other men on the Internet, I would approach her about it. Not always though. Her demeanor was like, as I would suspect, denial, angry, irrational, like a person who had given up and lost all feelings toward her husband. Like you got caught with your hand in the "cookie jar". ... it really scared the hell out of me! My life was going right before my eyes and I believed I was going to loose everything! ... I have been a faithful husband and I like to think I have also been a good husband to my wife ... We do have sex but seldom and only when "she" wants to in most cases ... she has indirectly ask for a divorce four times since we have been married ... anyone who knows me has no clue that I am "gay"... If my wife would ever find out it would destroy my marriage ... I am getting older and I know soon that my chances of acting upon my deep life long feelings will become less likely in becoming a reality. It is a VERY DIFFICULT and VERY LONELY experience."

    Here's a clue, your marriage has been over for a while already and you can't force someone to have feelings for your, no matter all the psycho babble you try to bullshit them with.

    You need to learn to accept yourself and learn that who and what you are is okay with the universe and its Creator, because the Designer of creation created all things, including idiots that think they know what the Creator had in mind in his creation and you and me. Life is difficult, but you are never alone, the Creator is always right there with you, you just have to open your mind to hear the Creator and understand that the Creator is guiding you to your best life possible. Your only true family is the Creator, everything else is part of the journey of life that the Creator has set out before you. It is your will to make your choices in life, but the Creator will always try to guide on a path that will lead you to the happiest life possible for you and back to the Creator and away from the abyss.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidFinally, a real gay role model. A healthy honorable man who stays true to how ows and, oh wait, you sound more like a confused teenage girl.
    Maybe you ae a confused teenage girl role model, cause you paint yourself as a terrible adult male, all confused about your life, your love, your attraction, your commitment and your partners.
    Yech.
    Drama much? Too bad you thought it so important to bring kids into such a mess. This is why they should not let straight people marry.


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    Jul 13, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    I stumbled across this forum looking for something to help me understand whats just happened in my own family. After 27 years of marriage and 4 kids my mom discovered that my dad is gay and has been having multiple affairs and encounters over the last few years. Our age range is 17-24, I'm 22 and very liberal I have no problem with the idea of a gay person in our family... but I have a MAJOR problem with the cheating and lies. I found out a few weeks ago and I'm still angry... intensely, FURIOUSLY angry with my dad. My dad never came out to my mom, she found incriminating emails and he denied it right up until the moment she quoted them to him. He has never apologized, maybe out of pride, maybe emotional stupidity, maybe he thinks he "shouldn't apologize for being himself". You have lied to your family for years, the very foundation of family was built on sand. You sound like a good man and a good dad so you may want to learn from my dads mistakes.

    Whether or not you have cheated this lie that you have told is gigantic, all-encompassing and it can make your kids question the foundation of their world. My dad's first reaction to me was defensive, his first words were "I fell in love and I'm not sorry". Honestly, it felt like losing my dad. Someone who I've loved and admired all these years not only did the unthinkable, but isnt sorry?! He has since tried to apologize for the pain its caused but holds the ground that he isnt sorry about falling in love, I'm not sure its enough after where we started. If your kids are angry, they have a right to be you have pulled the rug right out from under their world. Accept the anger, getting defensive will only lock you into adversarial roles.

    This whole process my dad has continued to bend or obscure the truth, when you come out lay it all on the table (at least what your kids are mature enough to hear). Any more lies from this point on will stop them from ever trusting you again. At this point I still feel like I need to fact check everything that comes out of his mouth because most are untrue.

    Ever since we found out my dad has been cold, shockingly, painfully cold. He acts as though everything is normal, just trying to chat as usual. I have yet to see any evidence that the dissolution of our family causes him pain. Maybe he thinks hes being stoic but mostly it makes me feel alone, like our family wasn't worth much and hes just relieved to be free of the lie it was.

    You're probably not hiding it as well as you think, my siblings have found gay porn on our family computer, the signs were there and the emails my mum found were opened and left out on our shared computer. Its not fair to corner your wife into outing you just as it hasn't been fair for your wife to increasingly engage with other men. Come out to her, dont make it be the other way around. Even at the end my dad forced my mom to say the words, "its over" he mentioned recommitting but in the same sentence said he couldnt be sure he wouldnt cheat. Now she has to carry the guilt of ending it and outing him even though she has been faithful and would have liked him to recommit.

    I don't think my dad really realizes what hes lost or what hes done. Maybe your kids wont react with this kind of hurt and anger, for everyone involved I hope they dont. But they might and you need to be understanding and still be the dad they recognize, thats the worst part about this for me. I want to go to my dad but after all thats happened it feels like there is nowhere to go, that man is gone or he never existed. Good luck, this is a pivotal moment for everyone, do your best to handle it with honesty, integrity and emotion.
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:41 PM GMT
    ^kid, you've got to try to let go of your anger. One of my closest friends discovered her husband was cheating on her and went ballistic. It was about 12 years ago and it still consumes her, making it impossible to move on (she brings it up every time she meets someone new).

    I get they don't study Death of a Salesman in high school anymore.

    PS to the OP: I forgot to add in my earlier post something my sister's marriage counsellor told her: it's not ok to give up your own happiness to make your spouse happy. Worth pondering.
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    Many gay guys are in the closet and many are christian so you are not alone. You have young kids so I would say not to rock the boat right now if you want to keep a relationship with them. It won't be long till they are adults. A lot of guys mess around in college. I had a straight football stud roommate that always wanted to mess around but I was too scared at the time. He is married with kids. Your wife might turn around one day too. Being gay for a lot of guys is very lonely and sad. So if you do start to date guys you have to remember that as a possibility. Read a book by Mel White, Being gay and a christian. He was a staff writer for the major homophobic pastors in the south and east coast. He came out in his 40s I believe too. Excellent book about what he struggled with. There are many other books. Amazon had it for about $6. I'm bisexual. Dated guys then girls then guys and then more guys. Never found my life mate though. So wonder what I'm in for. I'm a christian.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1558

    Jul 13, 2012 5:57 PM GMT
    ali678 saidI stumbled across this forum looking for something to help me understand whats just happened in my own family. After 27 years of marriage and 4 kids my mom discovered that my dad is gay and has been having multiple affairs and encounters over the last few years. Our age range is 17-24, I'm 22 and very liberal I have no problem with the idea of a gay person in our family... but I have a MAJOR problem with the cheating and lies. I found out a few weeks ago and I'm still angry... intensely, FURIOUSLY angry with my dad. My dad never came out to my mom, she found incriminating emails and he denied it right up until the moment she quoted them to him. He has never apologized, maybe out of pride, maybe emotional stupidity, maybe he thinks he "shouldn't apologize for being himself". You have lied to your family for years, the very foundation of family was built on sand. You sound like a good man and a good dad so you may want to learn from my dads mistakes.

    Whether or not you have cheated this lie that you have told is gigantic, all-encompassing and it can make your kids question the foundation of their world. My dad's first reaction to me was defensive, his first words were "I fell in love and I'm not sorry". Honestly, it felt like losing my dad. Someone who I've loved and admired all these years not only did the unthinkable, but isnt sorry?! He has since tried to apologize for the pain its caused but holds the ground that he isnt sorry about falling in love, I'm not sure its enough after where we started. If your kids are angry, they have a right to be you have pulled the rug right out from under their world. Accept the anger, getting defensive will only lock you into adversarial roles.

    This whole process my dad has continued to bend or obscure the truth, when you come out lay it all on the table (at least what your kids are mature enough to hear). Any more lies from this point on will stop them from ever trusting you again. At this point I still feel like I need to fact check everything that comes out of his mouth because most are untrue.

    Ever since we found out my dad has been cold, shockingly, painfully cold. He acts as though everything is normal, just trying to chat as usual. I have yet to see any evidence that the dissolution of our family causes him pain. Maybe he thinks hes being stoic but mostly it makes me feel alone, like our family wasn't worth much and hes just relieved to be free of the lie it was.

    You're probably not hiding it as well as you think, my siblings have found gay porn on our family computer, the signs were there and the emails my mum found were opened and left out on our shared computer. Its not fair to corner your wife into outing you just as it hasn't been fair for your wife to increasingly engage with other men. Come out to her, dont make it be the other way around. Even at the end my dad forced my mom to say the words, "its over" he mentioned recommitting but in the same sentence said he couldnt be sure he wouldnt cheat. Now she has to carry the guilt of ending it and outing him even though she has been faithful and would have liked him to recommit.

    I don't think my dad really realizes what hes lost or what hes done. Maybe your kids wont react with this kind of hurt and anger, for everyone involved I hope they dont. But they might and you need to be understanding and still be the dad they recognize, thats the worst part about this for me. I want to go to my dad but after all thats happened it feels like there is nowhere to go, that man is gone or he never existed. Good luck, this is a pivotal moment for everyone, do your best to handle it with honesty, integrity and emotion.


    Sounds pretty much like a death and a severe loss to me. There are many stages of grief, suggest you read up a little on it as it may help you, your father and your family. This will obviously take some time. Don't give up on your Dad, take sides or get into the blame game. He is only human, and we all make mistake in one way or the other. Hopefully this can be a time for growth for all of you and in some period of time you may look back on it as something that helped all of you. I have some good friends who went through something like what you are describing and in the long run they all turned out fine.You might even get with a good therapist to help you work through some of this. Good Luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:29 PM GMT
    You have some great advice here (and a few snarky cracks) and I don't have anything more to add, but just this........what works for me when I'm at a big fork in the road is: Draw a line down the center of a page, and write all the reasons to stay. On the other side write all the reasons to go. At the end of the exercise, I am enlightened - and I see my path more clearly. Good luck!
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:37 PM GMT
    Claystation said
    Hardlee said
    Not vent in the true sense of the word. Hoping to share my personal experience in a forum that I "thought" could help me understand my situation of being GAY and the difficulties I believe a good handful of people here would understand.


    You already understand your situation, it sounds like you want a way to cope with it. The problem is you need some kind of approval and it seems like you want it from your family (wife and kids).


    Clay is right. The fact that you're opening up this discussion now, says that you're looking for more than just venting or sharing of experience. It's like you're finally ready to come out of that closet. It's going to be a slow and painful process, unless you're a lucky one.

    May I suggest watching Mulligans? It's a movie I ran into on Netflix 2 weeks ago. It's about a man who's been married for years, has two kids, one in college and the other pre-teen. His son brings his known gay friend on vacation with them (the son is striaght) and the father and the gay friend end up together. The storyline is a bit hokey, but I really liked hte movie. It might give you some insight to what you might have to face. The woman who played the mother did a phenomenal job, I really felt her pain and her joy (she was in Queer as Folk, but I can't remember her name).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:38 PM GMT
    To the OP:

    I generally lurk on this forum but joined to respond to your post as I have been in the situation you describe.

    I think you are wise to be very cautious about declaring that you are gay, despite the idea that doing so will "set you free." As you anticipate, "coming out" would have very intense effects on your most important relationships in life. You obviously got married because you wanted a traditional nuclear family, which I know from years of being divorced and living as a gay man, is very different from the lifestyle that most gay men experience at this time. You very likely won't be able to replicate what you have with your wife and kids if you are with another man. I think this is mainly because of the inherent balance that is more often present when a man and woman are together, which is a more psychologically complimentary than when two men are together. In short, flirting with and fantasizing about guys anonymously is very different from living the life of a gay man. I'm not saying that coming out would necessarily be a bad thing for you to do, but I just wanted to inject a dose of reality into the advice you are getting.
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2604

    Jul 13, 2012 6:44 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidTo the OP:

    I generally lurk on this forum but joined to respond to your post as I have been in the situation you describe.

    I think you are wise to be very cautious about declaring that you are gay, despite the idea that doing so will "set you free." As you anticipate, "coming out" would have very intense effects on your most important relationships in life. You obviously got married because you wanted a traditional nuclear family, which I know from years of being divorced and living as a gay man, is very different from the lifestyle that most gay men experience at this time. You very likely won't be able to replicate what you have with your wife and kids if you are with another man. I think this is mainly because of the inherent balance that is more often present when a man and woman are together, which is a more psychologically complimentary than when two men are together. In short, flirting with and fantasizing about guys anonymously is very different from living the life of a gay man. I'm not saying that coming out would necessarily be a bad thing for you to do, but I just wanted to inject a dose of reality into the advice you are getting.
    What a terrible "dose of reality".

    Your reality is not his, i know plenty of gay who are happily married with kids in a traditional nuclear family setting. Most straight families don't live like that either.
  • metta

    Posts: 54291

    Jul 13, 2012 6:54 PM GMT
    Koaa2 saidI would recommend that you find a gay friendly therapist to help you begin to sort through some of your thoughts..


    +1

    a gay friendly marriage counselor... pick one that has not been divorced
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    What a terrible "dose of reality".

    Your reality is not his, i know plenty of gay who are happily married with kids in a traditional nuclear family setting. Most straight families don't live like that either.[/quote]

    Even so, it's still an extreme rarity among gay men. Not sure what you mean about "straight families"--live like what?
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:41 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer said What a terrible "dose of reality".

    Your reality is not his, i know plenty of gay who are happily married with kids in a traditional nuclear family setting. Most straight families don't live like that either.

    Even so, it's still an extreme rarity among gay men. Not sure what you mean about "straight families"--live like what?


    Most straight people aren't in "traditional nuclear families." There are many gay men in committed monogamous couples with children, it is not an extreme rarity. And the idea that a man+woman are more psychologically complementary than a man+man is absolute horseshit.

    Please get some good therapy. You need it.

    As for the OP, I know men who have both been married and men that still are married and are in the process of coming out. At least one is trying to stay married, but it is tough situation to be in. All I can say is, do your best to be true to yourself but also understand what your wife and children will go through. Good luck and best wishes.
  • metta

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    Jul 13, 2012 7:47 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer said What a terrible "dose of reality".

    Your reality is not his, i know plenty of gay who are happily married with kids in a traditional nuclear family setting. Most straight families don't live like that either.


    Even so, it's still an extreme rarity among gay men. Not sure what you mean about "straight families"--live like what?[/quote]


    "Many lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people are parents. In the 2000 U.S. Census, for example, 33 percent of female same-sex couple households and 22 percent of male same-sex couple households reported at least one child under the age of 18 living in the home.[20] As of 2005, an estimated 270,313 children in the United States live in households headed by same-sex couples.[21]"

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_parenting


    That is not an 'extreme rarity' or even a 'rarity'

    More census data:

    http://www.census.gov/hhes/samesex/files/Krivickas-Lofquist%20PAA%202011.pdf

    http://alturl.com/qn69r
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    metta8 saidThat is not an 'extreme rarity' or even a 'rarity'


    Thanks for the stats, Metta.
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    To bad it's to late, you should have came out when you were younger so you could have banged hot dudes now that your in your 40's it's a waste i mean 40's in the gay world is like 80, just stick with your wife and kids and die as a closet case like most losers who are to scared to grow some balls and come out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    Thanks, Metta, but I was referring to coupling with or without children. I think the stats you quote refer only to the frequency of stable couples having kids, not the frequency of such stables couples in the first place. From my experience long-term coupling among gay men is far less frequent than among straight people. At least that's been my experience. Perhaps I'm wrong. I would be curious if there are any stats about that.
  • metta

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    Jul 13, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    veed978 saidTo bad it's to late, you should have came out when you were younger so you could have banged hot dudes now that your in your 40's it's a waste i mean 40's in the gay world is like 80, just stick with your wife and kids and die as a closet case like most losers who are to scared to grow some balls and come out.


    lol....youth....sometimes...you just have to laugh
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    Jul 13, 2012 7:58 PM GMT
    metta8 said
    veed978 saidTo bad it's to late, you should have came out when you were younger so you could have banged hot dudes now that your in your 40's it's a waste i mean 40's in the gay world is like 80, just stick with your wife and kids and die as a closet case like most losers who are to scared to grow some balls and come out.


    lol....youth....sometimes...you just have to laugh


    true metta8