I feel it is time, after reading everyone's replies to my post (OP), some good and some bad, for me to reply. First I would like to thank those of you who have taken the time from your busy schedule to give "me", a nobody, some personal genuine thought here. A sincere special thanks for those of you who have really stepped forward in my defense and to those of you who have engaged in personal conversations with me. It is you that I am deeply grateful to. You are the reason I believed this was the right forum for me to take the next step in trying to accept my gayness. To openly discuss what I have been experiencing for so long for which I have NEVER done before. I sought out hope of understanding, guidance and words of wisdom from men whom I believe in a forum best suited for this. I believe I made the right choice.
However, for the few who looked at this as an opportunity to bash and be little my situation, it is you that fester bigotry and hatred in a society that has made the lives of gay men and women so unnecessarily difficult and hurt so many. Much more difficult for men like me who are at a very difficult crossroads in their life. I respect everyone's opinion greatly. However, YOU the inconsiderate should rightfully feel ashamed of yourself and are definitely not any help to the gay community and too those of us who are struggling with this issue and all that surrounds it. I would place you among those who are considered "gay bashers". There should be no place for you among brothers in the gay world.
It took great courage for me to post what I did. Greater courage to post pictures of myself here on RJ that very easily would identify who I am to someone who knows me. I am not ashamed for who I am. I am GAY. I have learned through the discussions here and privately, giving these discussions some serious deep thought that I have been gay all my life.
Yes, I had erections when engaging in sex with women when I was younger but I have found it to be very difficult to impossible these past several years. I don't believe that makes me bi. I have never really been attracted to women at all during my life. Yes it was nice at the time because I was forcing myself to believe I was living the acceptable life. The only life. Being gay was definitely not acceptable during my younger years to say the least. In some circles I am in, it still is totally unacceptable and I would be an outcast. I have always been attracted to men. The difference here is that I was "fighting" my gayness all my life. Most of the time I was successful in keeping those feelings at bay and under control. Until now.
Why now? Why am I trying to come out now and accept my gayness? I strongly believe this is due to the difficulties in my marriage, which really surfaced in 2008. I believe it made me re-think everything in my life. My marriage, like most of you have indicated and I agree with, has been non-existent for quite some time. Personally I believe my marriage has been non-existent for at least the past 15 years. I feel deeply regretful for not having the clarity and courage much sooner in my life.
I do believe and agree with those of you that a personal therapist would be a very wise decision to make. All these emotions, confusion and feelings I have been dealing with for so long, within me, not ever speaking about them with a close, trusted personal friend, will only allow me to continue to live a life of confusion and ultimately self-destruction. Not to mention in ultimately hurting my children and wife. That is unacceptable.
The discussion here and in private that so many have weighed in on has broadened my thinking. You have given me a form of "therapy" that my soul has been so longing for. It has given me clarity, a sense of comfort, fellowship, acceptance and understanding. I believe it has given me something more important though. Forgiveness. Allowing me to FORGIVE and accept myself for who I really am. The ability to come to terms with me that I am gay. I love men and I am sexually attracted to only men. It is you, those of you who have taken the time from your busy schedule to give "me", a nobody, some personal genuine thought here. For that I deeply, deeply thank you with great sincerity.
Now I must continue down the path I have started. Where exactly and how long will it take me remains an unanswered question. Without question I am scared of the unknown; what may lie ahead. Yes, I do owe it to myself, my wife and more importantly to my two wonderful children. To be honest with all involved and to muster the courage and wisdom to make the right decisions and to, "shit or get off the pot" type mentality. I have never lied to them nor am I living a lie as some of you have indicated. However, being where I am at now, those of you who may think this, would have more validity to your opinion should I choose to continue to be "In the Closet". This is definitely not easy for me.