I'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years

  • ndsu36

    Posts: 30

    Jul 23, 2012 5:06 PM GMT
    looks like your at a turning point... your wife is flirting with other guys and your not into her anymore and she losing interest, the sex between you two is practically none existant.

    the real question is are you happy with your current status as being a loyal husband?


    If things do get worse, thing between your wife and kids are going to be bad. Sounds like you need to find out who or what going to make you happy. So you be the honorable man get the divorce, possibly shared custody of the kids, than explore your desire to be with men. Or be sneaky (cheating man).. have an affair with a guy.. if that what you want than get the separation...divorce. so if your close with your kids you may want to be up front with them and tell them. and than talk to your wife, so you guys can talk about your relationship and future.

    these are my thoughts on your issue.. so you need to talk to your family, hope you can find what will make you happy. Plus, the loyal husband is making you feel trapped depressed and bonded so sounds like you need to truely feel free to do what you truely have feeling for.

    good luck... by the way, you are an attractive man so you will get some guys attention!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2012 8:35 AM GMT
    I feel it is time, after reading everyone's replies to my post (OP), some good and some bad, for me to reply. First I would like to thank those of you who have taken the time from your busy schedule to give "me", a nobody, some personal genuine thought here. A sincere special thanks for those of you who have really stepped forward in my defense and to those of you who have engaged in personal conversations with me. It is you that I am deeply grateful to. You are the reason I believed this was the right forum for me to take the next step in trying to accept my gayness. To openly discuss what I have been experiencing for so long for which I have NEVER done before. I sought out hope of understanding, guidance and words of wisdom from men whom I believe in a forum best suited for this. I believe I made the right choice.

    However, for the few who looked at this as an opportunity to bash and be little my situation, it is you that fester bigotry and hatred in a society that has made the lives of gay men and women so unnecessarily difficult and hurt so many. Much more difficult for men like me who are at a very difficult crossroads in their life. I respect everyone's opinion greatly. However, YOU the inconsiderate should rightfully feel ashamed of yourself and are definitely not any help to the gay community and too those of us who are struggling with this issue and all that surrounds it. I would place you among those who are considered "gay bashers". There should be no place for you among brothers in the gay world.

    It took great courage for me to post what I did. Greater courage to post pictures of myself here on RJ that very easily would identify who I am to someone who knows me. I am not ashamed for who I am. I am GAY. I have learned through the discussions here and privately, giving these discussions some serious deep thought that I have been gay all my life.

    Yes, I had erections when engaging in sex with women when I was younger but I have found it to be very difficult to impossible these past several years. I don't believe that makes me bi. I have never really been attracted to women at all during my life. Yes it was nice at the time because I was forcing myself to believe I was living the acceptable life. The only life. Being gay was definitely not acceptable during my younger years to say the least. In some circles I am in, it still is totally unacceptable and I would be an outcast. I have always been attracted to men. The difference here is that I was "fighting" my gayness all my life. Most of the time I was successful in keeping those feelings at bay and under control. Until now.

    Why now? Why am I trying to come out now and accept my gayness? I strongly believe this is due to the difficulties in my marriage, which really surfaced in 2008. I believe it made me re-think everything in my life. My marriage, like most of you have indicated and I agree with, has been non-existent for quite some time. Personally I believe my marriage has been non-existent for at least the past 15 years. I feel deeply regretful for not having the clarity and courage much sooner in my life.

    I do believe and agree with those of you that a personal therapist would be a very wise decision to make. All these emotions, confusion and feelings I have been dealing with for so long, within me, not ever speaking about them with a close, trusted personal friend, will only allow me to continue to live a life of confusion and ultimately self-destruction. Not to mention in ultimately hurting my children and wife. That is unacceptable.

    The discussion here and in private that so many have weighed in on has broadened my thinking. You have given me a form of "therapy" that my soul has been so longing for. It has given me clarity, a sense of comfort, fellowship, acceptance and understanding. I believe it has given me something more important though. Forgiveness. Allowing me to FORGIVE and accept myself for who I really am. The ability to come to terms with me that I am gay. I love men and I am sexually attracted to only men. It is you, those of you who have taken the time from your busy schedule to give "me", a nobody, some personal genuine thought here. For that I deeply, deeply thank you with great sincerity.

    Now I must continue down the path I have started. Where exactly and how long will it take me remains an unanswered question. Without question I am scared of the unknown; what may lie ahead. Yes, I do owe it to myself, my wife and more importantly to my two wonderful children. To be honest with all involved and to muster the courage and wisdom to make the right decisions and to, "shit or get off the pot" type mentality. I have never lied to them nor am I living a lie as some of you have indicated. However, being where I am at now, those of you who may think this, would have more validity to your opinion should I choose to continue to be "In the Closet". This is definitely not easy for me.




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    Jul 27, 2012 8:52 AM GMT
    You are an articulate and sensitive man and should be treated with respect

    Good luck with your future -you will make decisions and then have to live through the consequences


    Make sure you have a good support network in place as making such life changing decisions can take you to a lonely place

    But then you may be surprised how your closest react and at last be able to live free

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    Jul 27, 2012 1:14 PM GMT
    Great counsel bud. So many guys on here rush to judgement. People make the best decisions they can at the time they make them. Some are good decisions. some bad. But dwelling in the past is not going to creat change.
    Hardlee, stop waiting for someone else (in this case your wife) to make the decisions for you. Be true to yourself.
    Talk to guys who have expereinced what you are are now experiencing. And ignore the bitter guys on here who have nothing better to do than spew venom. Ignore the angry guys on here. Focus on guys who offer positive comments
    good luck man
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    Jul 27, 2012 1:24 PM GMT
    Dolita


    an old man took you as his new lover after you divorced your wife. and your son lives with you and the daughter her mother.
    but the old man's only interest is in your 17 year old son. that is why he takes you.

    opposite version of Lolita.

    forgive me i'm so drama.
    icon_eek.gif
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    Jul 27, 2012 1:25 PM GMT
    CABucky saidI guess the question would be what type of resolution do you want?

    Your situation is complex but, unfortunately, not uncommon


    I would take this one question further and add "What does your wife want?" as well.

    Perhaps it is time to sit down with your wife and have a REAL and HONEST conversation about what you BOTH want now that one child is ready to fly the roost and the other child is not far behind.

    Based on the outcome of the conversation, perhaps BOTH of you could engage a therapist to help the two of you to begin planning the next phase of your relationship for when your daughter turns 18. 6 years is not a long time and before you know it, everybody will have the chance to be "free" AND still have a good relationship with each other.

    After the question of what each of you wants is on the table, find some point of mutual agreement. That point might be the kids (for now).

    I wish you the best of wisdom as you move forward.

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan
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    Jul 27, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidHey Hardlee, whether 15yo or 50, the questions you're asking are the same questions a 100 million other gay/bi guys have asked --whether in their youth, before commitments made, or closer to our age. Asking them here is an excellent start....there are a ton of great guys on here who "were" hetrosexual and now are bi or even gay....some of them are still in relationships with their female partners exclusively, some divorced and starting a new life exploring these "new" feelings, and others who have found a new balance in their lives (which may include "opening" their marriage to occasional trysts with guys.)

    Explore your thoughts and your feelings first (as you are doing). If other guys, who have been in your predicament, chime in, just the validation that you're not a leper, not an enigma, not crazy or selfish or anything else, might be enough to calm the inner turmoil so you can find a path that suits you. It may include counselling. It might be just having that convo with your wife ("hey babe, it may surprise you to know that, after 20 years together, there are still some interests of mine that I've never shared with you") puts you at ease. And it is 2012....she may have wondered at times. She may even be more amicable to finding a solution (that works best for everyone concerned) than you expect. And considering her wandering eye, maybe an open relationship for both of you (with strict respect and parameters!) would breathe new life into your relationship...at least until your son (and perhaps your daughter) are no longer dependent on you both.

    Go slow. Obviously this isn't a crisis ---as much as you might think it is--- (because you have indeed waited 20 years to have this conversation with yourself). You have commitments to your family that are important to you. Enjoy the journey. Keep your integrity. Understand fully the ramifications and consequences of any decisions you feel inclined to make. God forbid you have a moment of weakness and, in a heated moment, have unprotected sex with a stranger that might bring some unwanted "gift" back into your home.

    Spend some time researching RJ's archives on the subject. Gay relationships aren't the same as straight ones. You say you've had some flings when you were younger....make sure you're not fantasizing about some total misconception. Guys are selfish, fickle, we stink, are less supportive, etc, etc, etc. It would be a shame to lose what you've got for a delusion.

    And lastly: clear your internet browser history....you want to stay ahead of this conversation with your wife rather than have decisions made for you before you're ready. There is a path. You need to find it. If it was going to be easy, you would have done it years ago. Done well, you can reinvent yourself in a way that doesn't destroy everything you've created. Honesty and sensitivity would seem to be key, to me. Good luck!

    ps: paragraphs....they're really helpful, lol. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 27, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    What a great answer Yourname 2000 gave.
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    Jul 27, 2012 2:26 PM GMT
    Hardlee said[...]
    It took great courage for me to post what I did. Greater courage to post pictures of myself here on RJ that very easily would identify who I am to someone who knows me. I am not ashamed for who I am. I am GAY. I have learned through the discussions here and privately, giving these discussions some serious deep thought that I have been gay all my life.
    [...]
    Now I must continue down the path I have started. Where exactly and how long will it take me remains an unanswered question. Without question I am scared of the unknown; what may lie ahead. Yes, I do owe it to myself, my wife and more importantly to my two wonderful children. To be honest with all involved and to muster the courage and wisdom to make the right decisions and to, "shit or get off the pot" type mentality. I have never lied to them nor am I living a lie as some of you have indicated. However, being where I am at now, those of you who may think this, would have more validity to your opinion should I choose to continue to be "In the Closet". This is definitely not easy for me.


    I'm proud of you Hardlee.
    Life is an unfinished journey and I think that you're navigating it as best as possible. You will feel most rewarded and glad you started on the path.
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    Jul 27, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    Wow, this has been enlightening (looking at all the posts) and there are some BIG misconceptions here.

    I'll send you a message privately Hardlee.

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Jul 27, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    metta8 said
    veed978 saidTo bad it's to late, you should have came out when you were younger so you could have banged hot dudes now that your in your 40's it's a waste i mean 40's in the gay world is like 80, just stick with your wife and kids and die as a closet case like most losers who are to scared to grow some balls and come out.


    lol....youth....sometimes...you just have to laugh
    That's an understatement on that response! Unbelievable.
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    Jul 27, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    Your response Hardlee was spot on! Your detractors don't understand for a variety of reasons but most likely because they've not been in your shoes. Your willingness to take the positive offerings of advice and contemplate how it relates to your situation is admirable. You've created a posting that allows other guys in your position to also learn from.

    Those of us who have been where you are totally understand what you're going through and we are here in support. If there's one thing about RJ that places it far above other gay sites, it's the support that other members are willing to offer.

    You're on the right path, you're making headway in what you need to do and you have some good support on here to help. Local support would enhance your decisions also.

    Hang in there, it does get better. It's a long road with many bumps but stick to your plan, take the high road and you'll do just fine.

    Good luck my friend.
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    Jul 27, 2012 5:03 PM GMT
    I will bet you that your wife is currently sensing something wrong with the relationship, which is why she wants to opt out. OP, what's really going on is that you carried out your marriage for far too long. You're disinterested, your wife is disinterested and what it looks like is you're only concern is what your friends and family think. You gotta muster up the courage to break it off with the wife and come out.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1558

    Jul 27, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    NorthChinaLi saidDolita


    an old man took you as his new lover after you divorced your wife. and your son lives with you and the daughter her mother.
    but the old man's only interest is in your 17 year old son. that is why he takes you.

    opposite version of Lolita.

    forgive me i'm so drama.
    icon_eek.gif


    You are not drama, you are a nit wit!

    Love the Ignore His Posts function!
  • BuddhaLing

    Posts: 108

    Sep 02, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    Great story, Hardlee. Great courage shows here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 02, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidFinally, a real gay role model. A healthy honorable man who stays true to how ows and, oh wait, you sound more like a confused teenage girl.
    Maybe you ae a confused teenage girl role model, cause you paint yourself as a terrible adult male, all confused about your life, your love, your attraction, your commitment and your partners.
    Yech.
    Drama much? Too bad you thought it so important to bring kids into such a mess. This is why they should not let straight people marry.


    is this guy ever NOT a dickhead? icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 02, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Hardlee saidI'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years
    Sucks to be you. icon_twisted.gif












    Being gay or bi is hip now. Tell your wife. She'll probably say she's also bi and y'all can be swingers. icon_biggrin.gif



    Someone shares something this personal and truthful on here and you say something like that. No, sir, it sucks to be you.
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    Sep 02, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Fortunately the support he sought here was greater than the rude comments from those who have chosen to ignore the request and instead try to grab some of the limelight. Hardlee is in a tough spot and needs support.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Sep 02, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    McCrankla said
    yourname2000 saidHey Hardlee, whether 15yo or 50, the questions you're asking are the same questions a 100 million other gay/bi guys have asked --whether in their youth, before commitments made, or closer to our age. Asking them here is an excellent start....there are a ton of great guys on here who "were" hetrosexual and now are bi or even gay....some of them are still in relationships with their female partners exclusively, some divorced and starting a new life exploring these "new" feelings, and others who have found a new balance in their lives (which may include "opening" their marriage to occasional trysts with guys.)

    Explore your thoughts and your feelings first (as you are doing). If other guys, who have been in your predicament, chime in, just the validation that you're not a leper, not an enigma, not crazy or selfish or anything else, might be enough to calm the inner turmoil so you can find a path that suits you. It may include counselling. It might be just having that convo with your wife ("hey babe, it may surprise you to know that, after 20 years together, there are still some interests of mine that I've never shared with you") puts you at ease. And it is 2012....she may have wondered at times. She may even be more amicable to finding a solution (that works best for everyone concerned) than you expect. And considering her wandering eye, maybe an open relationship for both of you (with strict respect and parameters!) would breathe new life into your relationship...at least until your son (and perhaps your daughter) are no longer dependent on you both.

    Go slow. Obviously this isn't a crisis ---as much as you might think it is--- (because you have indeed waited 20 years to have this conversation with yourself). You have commitments to your family that are important to you. Enjoy the journey. Keep your integrity. Understand fully the ramifications and consequences of any decisions you feel inclined to make. God forbid you have a moment of weakness and, in a heated moment, have unprotected sex with a stranger that might bring some unwanted "gift" back into your home.

    Spend some time researching RJ's archives on the subject. Gay relationships aren't the same as straight ones. You say you've had some flings when you were younger....make sure you're not fantasizing about some total misconception. Guys are selfish, fickle, we stink, are less supportive, etc, etc, etc. It would be a shame to lose what you've got for a delusion.

    And lastly: clear your internet browser history....you want to stay ahead of this conversation with your wife rather than have decisions made for you before you're ready. There is a path. You need to find it. If it was going to be easy, you would have done it years ago. Done well, you can reinvent yourself in a way that doesn't destroy everything you've created. Honesty and sensitivity would seem to be key, to me. Good luck!

    ps: paragraphs....they're really helpful, lol. icon_wink.gif

    Wow, Dave, that was really good.


    Wow he does have a soul..wow
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    Blerg said
    paulflexes said
    Hardlee saidI'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years
    Sucks to be you. icon_twisted.gif
    Being gay or bi is hip now. Tell your wife. She'll probably say she's also bi and y'all can be swingers. icon_biggrin.gif

    Someone shares something this personal and truthful on here and you say something like that. No, sir, it sucks to be you.

    It's officially most unconventional and unacceptable in 'proper society', also not my style (hetero mix). But it certainly is a realistic response and possibility. As long as the people are responsible and honest with themselves it is as good as any.
    RJ gives the opportunities for refreshing thinking outside of the traditional box. This was a welcomed example.
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:38 PM GMT
    if you or someone you know is married and secretly gay and want to be on the jerry springer show call 1-800-96-JERRY
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    Sep 02, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    Several years ago, there was a story in the news about a teenage boy who was discovered to have lived his entire life in a dog kennel. He was only allowed out for brief periods and was forced to sleep and take his food inside the locked kennel. After the parents were arrested, the boy was sent to intense counseling and physical rehab for his emaciated body. But he cried and was in extreme distress outside of his kennel. After several months they agreed to bring in a similar dog kennel for the boy. He curled up inside and had his first peaceful night sleep since his rescue.

    You see, we like to think we're above our own conditioning. Other people are slaves to it but not us. I've met so many men in your exact situation and oftentimes they're just not able to leave that cage behind. Most humans prefer familiarity over freedom and happiness, and from what I can gleam from your posts, you seem to be no different.

    My wish for you is that you can somehow break free of this self imposed prison sentence, but you really don't sound like you're ready for that.
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    Wow...I have not much of an advice to say, but I wish you well in seeing that light at the end of the tunnel! icon_smile.gif

    bless you!
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    I wonder what has been happening with our OP....it's been a while since he's posted icon_question.gif
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    Sep 02, 2012 7:10 PM GMT
    I would not know where to begin to advise you, but you have received some very wise counsel here (and a bit of self-righteous nonsense from the dross). Good luck to you and your family.