Need help - Should I give him another chance/More time?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 24, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and I'm at a point in my life where, I'm not sure I should continue to date him and give him more time or break up -- let me explain.

    He is a super sweet caring guy, and treats me well but i've been feeling like I'm missing out on something or losing out. I just turned 24, and he is my first Boyfriend. He is 33 and had several boyfriends, me being the best thing to happen to him (seriously, he and his family say so too)

    i used to be very very in love with him but now i find myself not wanting sex with him or even to kiss him, but i love being around him and just spending time with him, which is probably because we live together. and when i think about not being with him or seeing him after work kinda upsets me, but there are cons too.

    He owes me a lot of money, like almost 4k.. He moved to Arizona (from NJ) for his job which turned out to be a bust, broken promises and bad deals from his employer. I payed for him to come back(4 mos later) and paid for all his expenses for nearly 6 months, finally i found him a good job and now we have an apartment together and for the most part we are happy, but i just feel like. I shouldn't have done that and i should have ended it when he left (I was devastated).

    Here is the tricky part.. During our time together he was monogamous with me because i wanted it, he didn't but was because i needed it, and for a really long time i tried to be okay about being open and we fought!! omg did we fight about it, but finally when he left for AZ we decided to be open because of the distance, but i wanted to ease into it.. when i called him at like 7pm his time on his 3RD DAY being there .. he was kinda distant.. and eventually told me he had to go get ready b/c he was going to meet someone - i was totally broken and i think this is the exact moment i broke up with him in my heart and i still don't think I've forgiven him to this day. And thats when i went online and found someone to go hook up with, turns out that person didnt want to hook up but we became friends.. and i started to fall for him (which is not the way to have an open relationship) and it really messed me up but my BF and i worked it out at that point..

    Fast forward to today.. roles have completely reversed.. i want an open relationship .. he does not at all .. and he can only fathom 3-some to satisfy my urge.. But i dont know if that will do it, because im not sure i want to just have sex with other people.. i think i want to experience the world with someone else or by myself for a while.. i just got a good job and can afford my bills and rent and i just jumped into an apartment with him and i think it was too soon or just not the right way. i love him to death and i really care about him and we are VERY VERY much on the same page... we like so many things and have a lot of the same interests but not to much its boring.

    What should i do.. our lease ends march 2013.. i've already told him that by that time if he doesnt pay me back i'm not renewing the lease with him or getting an apartment with him, but it might be more than just financials that is driving us apart.. i don't know what to do, i love him honestly and would like to remain in each others lives, but i don't know if its possible.

    Can someone just give me advice.. anything please help..
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jul 24, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    Sounds messy - but relationships are messy, sometimes very messy.

    You've got to get your relationship cleaned up - either stay or go, but you know you've got to do something.

    Make a list, actually two. The pros and cons of staying together, and the pros and cons of splitting up. Be honest with yourself. Then be honest with him - you've got to communicate. He's been in relationships before, so he should have some level of maturity, but he may not, but if he's interested in saving the relationship he'll cooperate in the process of getting it back on track. Bottom line - can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man?

    Minimize the sexual aspect of the relationship - it's really a small part of being in a relationship, but guys sometimes attached too much importance on sex. It's great in the beginning, but it changes over time, and unless you both work on keeping things interesting in the bedroom, you're going to be tempted to go outside the relationship for fulfillment. If you spend an hour or two every day having sex, that leaves a lot of time that you spend together doing other things. Gay men try to build a relationship on good sex and find out that the man that's great in bed isn't so great outside of bed.

    This is your first relationship, and no matter how sure you were about it going in, guys have a lot to learn about life and love, and sometimes it's a hard lesson to learn.

    If you split up, you might as well forget about the money he owes you - chalk it up to the expense of learning about love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 24, 2012 6:15 PM GMT
    From reading your post though you don't sound like you love this person. It sounds like you love the idea of being with him and care for him like a friend and that's about it.

    It sounds like you're looking for reassurance breaking up with him is the right thing to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 24, 2012 6:17 PM GMT
    Short Answer. FINISH THE RELATIONSHIP. obviously you don't want to commit. so, don't waste your boyfriend's time. If you want to go "living" let him find somebody who really apreciates a monogamus relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 24, 2012 7:52 PM GMT
    You have already broken up with him in your heart, but rather than make it official, your solutions is to have an open relationship instead?
    I don't know all the reasons people suggest open relationships, but I would hope that it is not because they are to afraid to be single and would rather be in one sided relationship whilst they test the waters elsewhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 26, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    I feel for you..i do ..
    ...First off..the reason you stopped having sex with your man in the first place..He wasn't acting like a man, He wasn't taking care of his half...You wan't a lover, a strong man and not a dependent brother !

    ..Ony about 2% of gay couples can 'truly' handle an open relationship..
    You Sir are not in that 2%..

    ...If you want to try to salvage your relationship..First your "Boy" has to become a man.. And something tells me as long as you are chipping in or saving his ass all the time to..that's not gonna happen...

    ..You have to step back a bit..Let him know this is the reason you lost interest in the first place...You two need to have a long, long, long talk!
    ..You have to figure out if you want to continue this..

    ...You have 8 months left on your lease... you can try to salvage your relationship, break the lease, or get a roomate..
    ....It will make things worse if you start dating other guys while living together..!!
    ...You have 8 months to figure out how to stay..or get away !!
    I really wish you two the best...Hugz