A Father Disowning His Son

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    Aug 07, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    theantijock saidWas God testing Abraham...
    abraham_isaac.jpg
    ...or was Abraham testing God?
    Damn it, Anti! Now I'm going to ponder this for about week until... gahhhhh!!! Why did I look?!icon_confused.gif
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    Aug 07, 2012 5:51 PM GMT
    ATX21ML saidThere was no good that came from posting this. Many guys, like myself, are already struggling with even thinking about coming out to our conservative, religious fathers. Reading this has almost confirmed in me that I will NEVER tell my dad. I couldn't take a letter like this.


    Sad letter indeed.

    Way back in my 20s I was in that situation of extremely conservative religious parents not knowing I was gay. Once I had a steady job, an apartment of my own, I decided to tell them. I didn't know what their reaction would be. But I was strong in who I was. I decided it was better to be rejected for who I am than accepted for who I am not. So I told them, without the slightest idea which way it would go.

    My mother was dead silent and my father was blabbering on and on about famous gays in history. So I thought my father was maybe okay with it. I finally interrupted him and turned to my mom and said, "What are you thinking? Because in the long run I want your love and support, but in the short run I just want to know what you're thinking." Her response: "Well, I just hope you find a man who's good for you."

    A few days later I got a call from my sister. She said my dad didn't care if I was gay as long as I didn't bring my boyfriends around. Up until a few weeks ago, I went along with that.

    I probably would have gone along with that for the rest of his life until circumstances dictated otherwise. But recently my mom died and I totaled my car 3 days before the funeral. I was all doped up on prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants due to the accident. There was no way I could drive. The funeral was 6 hours drive away from my home. So my BF drove me up there, met the rest of my family, attended the services for my mom, and hung out with my family for 3 days. He was accepted graciously by everyone.

    At some point you might be strong enough that you could handle such a letter. Sometimes even in a conservative religious family, family comes first over everything else. By not telling them, you are actually depriving them the chance to be better than their religion, and you're depriving yourself of the possibility of greater acceptance from them. Or you might be saving yourself from getting such a hurtful letter as above. You will never really know unless you come out to them.

    I'm not saying that now is the time. But someday you could be strong enough to say, "This is who I am." Your parents' reaction to that is theirs to own.

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    Aug 07, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    DudeInNOVA saidThis is heartbreaking, but not surprising at all. A lot of parents still feel this way. It's no wonder why so many people still stay in the closet.


    The more I read these types of letters, the less heartbreaking I find them. I dont take the POV that the son has lost a father. I take the POV that this is a father who lost his son. Clearly, his son is not a priority and I think its better the son know that and move forward with his life rather than living two lies. The first that his father loves him unconditionally and the second that he lie about who he is. In the end, although sad, I think everyone is better off. You can pick your friends, but you cant pick your family and sometimes biology doesnt mean much.

    At the very least, both are being honest with each other. Its sad a relationship cant be salvaged, but in the end, I think everyone is better off.
    The sad inexorable truth of two different adults living in the same world together... sad, true... but still has its effect on me.
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    Aug 07, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    ATX21ML saidThere was no good that came from posting this. Many guys, like myself, are already struggling with even thinking about coming out to our conservative, religious fathers. Reading this has almost confirmed in me that I will NEVER tell my dad. I couldn't take a letter like this.


    You're 21 so it might seem impossible right now. At some point you'll figure out what being gay means to you and then you'll figure what you want to say and when. If it helps, I have VERY religious parents and was raised in the south. My parents are also very...uh... black, which historically is a demographic that views gays as an abomination and has been pretty vocal about it. I came out to them and my dad was incredible as was my mom and the rest of my family. I am pretty blessed though.

    That being said, I came out to them when I was in my 30's and after being my own man for awhile. I don't regret coming out when I did at all. But the fact that others were brave enough to come out helped make it more acceptable for me. As more of us come out, we'll hopefully make it easier for others to be accepted.
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    Aug 07, 2012 5:59 PM GMT
    This father has horrible handwriting by the way, and to tell his son he is disowning him through a letter is plain wrong. Shows how Manly he is if he cannot even face his own child and talk to him. Don't want a coward dad either way
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    Aug 07, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    msuNtx saidAs hurtful as that is, that is NOT family. I can't fathom how any parent could ever do that. I hope he has a long and miserable life. I hope his family and friends disown him just like he disowned his son.


    Agreed. Also I believe just like friends you can choose who you call your family. Its tough not having the approval of a father but at the same time why crave to have such a hateful and cold person in your life.
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    Aug 07, 2012 7:56 PM GMT
    I once made a comment to a friend about a beautiful house nearby and how lucky the owners must be. My friend was surprised and told me about a sad story with the home. Turns out the family were devout Jehova's Witnesses and were shocked when their only son (early 20's) announced he was gay. They refused to accept it and he committed suicide (in the house if the story was true) and both parents were devastated. I can't imagine the feelings and grief the parents and the kid must have endured as a result of this.

    While I feel terrible for the son I just can't find it in me to have any sympathy for his parents. I hope they live long lives....
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    Aug 07, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    And that's why I always say family isn't defined by blood. I don't care what anyone says, you get to pick your family
  • Smakkyoface

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    Aug 07, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    This is truly heartbreaking, I've gone through a similar circumstance. However at least my father disowned me face to face. As a son, while I respect and hate his decision at the same time, I still feel unconditional love for him. He disowned me in 2010 and we haven't spoken since. I've changed my last name for myself and also to show respect for his decision, if he doesn't want me representing his family, because of a very small part of my person, then I don't want to represent his family.

    I wish things were different but it's best to let go of those who bring you sorrow.

    I've got my mother, siblings and the rest of "his" family on my side and he's the isolated one which makes me feel bad sometimes, but he brought it upon himself. I have every intention to attend his funeral, even though my siblings feel differently.
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    Aug 07, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    That's so messed up. The boy is better off not having such a sorry excuse of a parental figure. I feel so bad for him.
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    Aug 07, 2012 9:42 PM GMT
    Boomm18 saidHow could anyone do that to their own son? I hope at least that person had a mother or something to accept him...

    People suck. We get reminders of that daily.


    I asked myself the same thing for years. Then I finally disowned the egg and sperm donor. Best thing I have ever done.

    Hopefully he did not have to grow up with any kind of abuse. Sperm donor sounds like a bastard.
  • HottJoe

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    Aug 07, 2012 10:12 PM GMT
    This made me cry. I have a really good friend whose mom always seemed to accept him for being gay, then she got cancer and on her deathbed told him that she didn't accept him. That was the last thing she said to him before she died. It really screwed him up. Most of the choices he's made since then have been very self-destructive--as in barebacking with people on grindr, doing hard drugs, etc. He can't seem to move on, and in fact now embraces his mom's religion (Catholic) and politics (Republican). I wrote a short story for him about a guy who's mom comes back as an angel to tell him she sees the truth now. He cried when he read it, but... it's just a story. Nothing can ever repair the damage.icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 08, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    msuNtx saidAs hurtful as that is, that is NOT family. I can't fathom how any parent could ever do that. I hope he has a long and miserable life. I hope his family and friends disown him just like he disowned his son.


    That's how this makes us want to feel and certainly we'd want to believe what you say to be true because the betrayal is so horrible as to be almost unfathomable. But that's what betrayal is. The breaking of the trust we place in family and friends. Without that relationship, without established trust, there would be no betrayal even if someone were to go against us.

    So it is tragic, but it is family. And that's why we've all these stories, generously shared here, about all this pain. Do not deny people the pain they themselves acknowledge. It is incredibly sad what hurtful things people do to whom they love and to whom loves them. They turn love and joy to hate and sadness. So also do not wish for more pain in retribution. Because there is enough pain already in the world.

    JR_RJ said
    theantijock saidWas God testing Abraham...
    abraham_isaac.jpg
    ...or was Abraham testing God?
    Damn it, Anti! Now I'm going to ponder this for about week until... gahhhhh!!! Why did I look?!icon_confused.gif


    It's an obvious one really. I think the Binding of Isaac ought to be the adopted gay symbol for thown away children of all ages.

    If these people take the bible as literally as suits their personal conveniences then you'd have to question the binding because as far as we biblically "know", God did send the angel to stop Abraham from cutting his son out of his life. So even if you say, well, I'm just following God's commandments, then if you follow them and an angel doesn't come to stop you, guess who's failure that is? God's?

    Now had the God of scriptures not sent the angel to intercede, Abraham, being human, would have been so horrified at his act of killing his own son that surely he would have rejected such a God. Either that, or God had never met Jewish parents before. We don't bind & kill our children for anything, well, unless they go into an acting career instead of becoming a doctor.

    So the Binding was a test of eachother.

    When a family chooses their preconceived idea of God over their child, and God doesn't send an interceding angel, they both fail that test.
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    Aug 08, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    http://www.askyourdadblog.com/2012/08/hypothetical-gay-son.html
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    Aug 08, 2012 1:59 AM GMT
    S34n05 saidhttp://www.askyourdadblog.com/2012/08/hypothetical-gay-son.html
    THAT is awesome!
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    Aug 08, 2012 2:00 AM GMT
    Totally thought this thread said 'A Father Drowning His Son'...The letter is just as bad though. icon_neutral.gif
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    Aug 08, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    What an inhuman and ignorant letter.
    But just to refute the only nonreligious argument, homosexual behavior "has been observed in close to 1500 species".
    If only people read more and talked less...
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    Aug 08, 2012 2:13 AM GMT
    To all of you that have been treated like this or even close to this, I'm so sorry. As a son AND as a father I can't imagine this letter. A parents love should be unconditional, not selfish, self centered and loveless as this letter portrays.

    I was fortunate to always be loved and I have always loved my children. Hearing the stories from some of you breaks my heart and fills my eyes with tears. I so feel for each of you. Thanks for remaining strong and never giving up! We've all benefited from you being who you are! Hugs.
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    Aug 08, 2012 2:14 AM GMT
    dan_x saidTotally thought this thread said 'A Father Drowning His Son'...The letter is just as bad though. icon_neutral.gif


    Drowning in sorrow

    TropicalMark said
    S34n05 saidhttp://www.askyourdadblog.com/2012/08/hypothetical-gay-son.html
    THAT is awesome!


    Agreed. I liked this part "If you're going to have boys over, you now need to leave your bedroom door open. Sorry kiddo. Thems are the breaks. I couldn't have girls in my room with the door shut, you don't get to have boys."

    About which the author later commented:

    John KinnearAugust 7, 2012 1:22 PM

    "Someone privately brought up a good question. What if your son is only out to you and not his friends? Are you going to make him keep his door open with them? Wouldn't that risk outing him? That is a good question that I hadn't thought of in my hypothetical letter. I guess I'd have to revisit that decision under those circumstances.

    Anyway, thought I'd throw that in there since I thought it was a valid concern."
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    Aug 08, 2012 2:14 AM GMT
    This what I'm afraid of if my dad ever found out about me. I am fortunate that my mother and siblings are dealing with it , but they know for a fact that my dad will be unable to accept my sexuality. Its a very black and white world for him. It'll certainly tear the family apart and I know it'll cause him pain. My dad is a good man albeit with anger short temper issues.
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    Aug 08, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    S34n05 saidhttp://www.askyourdadblog.com/2012/08/hypothetical-gay-son.html

    now that's what a dad should say.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Aug 12, 2012 1:55 PM GMT
    Fivealive saidThis what I'm afraid of if my dad ever found out about me. I am fortunate that my mother and siblings are dealing with it , but they know for a fact that my dad will be unable to accept my sexuality. Its a very black and white world for him. It'll certainly tear the family apart and I know it'll cause him pain. My dad is a good man albeit with anger short temper issues.


    OMG!!! Don't tell me this still happens in this day and time! icon_eek.gif
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    Aug 12, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    El_Crankodor said
    showme saidHorrible.

    My partner's father drowned him, by email. And the old bastard stuck with it until he died. It was so cruel and hurtful.

    The love of a parent is supposed to be unconditional.

    Freudian slip there? He drowned him?


    He should have - in the bath.
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    Aug 12, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    Reminds me of the last time I seen my Pa, laying in a hospital bed dying. He was so rude, stubborn, and would not talk to me, I'm sure he wished it was me there and him. My last words to him was have a nice trip. I walked away released. I have not missed him for a moment, and know he wanted to leave me with some form of regret, sorry. But he released me from any of that, as it was not he who had to forgive. I just wish he was alive to see how loved I am, and how I thrive, as that would surly eat away at him, as he wanted me to have none of the trappings I was born into, and made sure my siblings got them and I seen how I did not. I would also laugh at him by telling him that all his sons are either homosexual or bisexual.

  • Suetonius

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    Aug 14, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    Getting a letter like that can be really tragic. It shows there never was any real love on the part of the father - yet horrible to learn that for the boy who thought there was love. No non-religious parent would compose a letter like that; he had to be a religious guy - fundie christian, morman, JW, muslim, orthodox jewish or whatever.