Thought Question: If you tested positive, what would you do?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 09, 2012 10:26 PM GMT

    Kingmo - I am a bit confused.

    You contracted HIV and then told your bf but you had only been together for 6 months?

    Did he have HIV and not tell you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 09, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    7Famark said^Well that doesn't make me feel much safer topping. icon_eek.gif


    Speaking as a total top here... and I've done quite a bit of reading up on this from a top's perspective.

    I'm still more than a little paranoid after condoms break (which has happened a few times over the years: I am not known for going easy on guys who turn me on)

    The risk factors for HIV transmission run roughly like this:

    Receptive anal intercourse - chance of transmission once for every 100-200 unprotected penetrative sessions.

    Insertive anal intercourse - chance of transmission once in 1800-2000 acts for CIRCUMCISED men.

    For UNCUT guys, this comes back closer to the risk factor a bottom might face, more toward the upper end of a transmission in 200-300 acts. This may be true because the exposed glans (head and upper shaft near the frenulum) as vulnerable to receiving the virus as the urinary meats (pisshole) on cut guys.

    Oral sex poses a very, very minute risk.

    What these numbers DO NOT account for is that they are an average - they do not take into account viral loads of any particular population.

    An unprotected uncut negative top penetrating a recently infected HIV+ bottom who has a high viral load (but no detectable antibodies) is therefore at a potentially much greater risk of transmission than a negative bottom getting a positive load from a HIV+ top who is under retroviral treatment and is undetectable.

    While (as someone who replied to me anonymously said) it would take a near "perfect storm" of things lining up to HIV transmission to occur (frequent sessions of unprotected sex, or with someone who is positive but unaware of his serostatus) ... the risk is still there.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 09, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    showme said
    tuffguyndc said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.
    its ridiculous to you but very true and i enough hiv positive guys who have said the same thing


    It is most certainly not true. 20 years ago, it was. I watched it kill friends and lovers. But with modern medications, it is most certainly not. Anyone who has said that to you is either misinformed or could use some therapy to help come to terms with things.

    I have one friend in particular who was diagnosed early in the epidemic and managed somehow to hold on - he had been on disability for years and had just about given up when the new drug cocktails came out. Bam, undetectable. It finally dawned on him that he wasn't going to die and he had to get a whole new career and life. He and his long term partner are just bubbling happily along now.

    showme, we will agree to disagree on this topic. i am telling you from my friends and buddies experience.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 09, 2012 10:40 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.
    its ridiculous to you but very true and i enough hiv positive guys who have said the same thing


    It is most certainly not true. 20 years ago, it was. I watched it kill friends and lovers. But with modern medications, it is most certainly not. Anyone who has said that to you is either misinformed or could use some therapy to help come to terms with things.

    I have one friend in particular who was diagnosed early in the epidemic and managed somehow to hold on - he had been on disability for years and had just about given up when the new drug cocktails came out. Bam, undetectable. It finally dawned on him that he wasn't going to die and he had to get a whole new career and life. He and his long term partner are just bubbling happily along now.

    showme, we will agree to disagree on this topic. i am telling you from my friends and buddies experience.


    No. They may initially feel like their lives are over but it is not factually true, and it is not responsible to be spreading that.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 09, 2012 10:41 PM GMT
    kingmo saidi can tell you what i thought BEFORE i tested HIV+

    i thought i would never be one of those guys because i use condoms all the time, i'm not promiscuous, and i test regularly. then one day a condom i was wearing broke. i felt the rubber give way, like the pressure on my dick just went. i pulled out almost immediately... like 1 or 2 strokes. we finished by jerking off. a few months later, i had a bad flu and a rash on my chest, and we did an HIV antibody test. it came back "weakly positive" (i had a low viral load count of 250, but still HIV+). the world came crashing down. i thought that the shame would kill me. i thought that the medications would disfigure me. i thought i would never have sex again. i thought i would never find love. i thought that i would commit suicide.

    AFTER i tested positive in 2001 this is what i did:

    - i told my boyfriend immediately. we cried.
    - i didn't sleep for days.
    - i told my best friends. we also cried. i needed to talk it out.
    - my doctor and i made a plan for regular lab testing to monitor the early stages of the infection.
    - i didn't have sex for a long time. i read a lot about HIV.
    - i went for counselling in a support group for newly-diagnosed HIV+ guys at a local AIDS service organisation, upon the suggestion of my boyfriend. i was reluctant but it really helped. i realised that i wasn't alone in my fears, concerns and confusion.
    - i started talking with other HIV+ guys to figure out how/what they do to manage their HIV lives.

    after I got some counselling and great care from my awesome doctor, i learned:

    - HIV is more manageable than most chronic diseases - e.g. diabetes.
    - HIV+ people in the western world live more-or-less full life spans.
    - medical treatment (1 pill a day) has improved vastly in the last 10yrs
    - treatment side effects are often minimal. you can't tell a person is HIV+ just by looking at them.
    - there are a lot more HIV+ people around than you think. its a hidden disease.
    - stigma and fear of HIV stops people from talking openly about HIV.
    - if you're HIV+, you have a responsibility to NOT be an asshole: you must inform your intimate partners before things get physically intimate. yes, you risk rejection. deal with it. if you had been given a choice before you were infected, what would you have chosen?
    - if you're HIV-, you have a responsibility to also NOT be an asshole: you must protect yourself and not just expect the other person to do everything for you. you must be open to discussion, and if you're scared or not interested, just say so. you have to take seriously the trust the other person has shown by disclosing his status to you. don't go gossiping about it.
    - some people are ok with HIV, have educated themselves, are smart about their sex lives, and won't let a few precautions prevent them from connecting with other great people.
    - others are dead scared, ignorant, don't want to know more, and don't want anyone to come close to them with any sort of disease - these are the people at greatest risk of infection, because the bubble they live in is very fragile.
    - there's no room for blame in HIV. anyone can get it. sometimes bad things happen to good people. the true test of character is how you deal with it.
    - if life deals you a bad hand, you don't just fold. you play your cards as best you can. this is true for all other problems that life throws at you.
    - ignorance is not bliss. its better to know sooner than later.
    - you can either actively manage your own health, or you can ignore your health, until a point where it manages you.
    That is a great story buddy. However, you are leaving out the fact that you already had a support system. U have a amazing boyfriend who stuck by you through entire ordeal. Most guys do not have that. I still stick by my decision and that is to end it all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 09, 2012 10:42 PM GMT
    Aress saidFirst I would cry a little.
    Then eat an eclair.
    Then I would get on antiretrovirals ASAP.
    Sexwise, I don't think I'd change that much. I mean, I'd tell guys about being poz, because I don't wanna transmit it to anyone by accident and then get charged with sexual assault, but I'd still do safe sex every time. I woudn't do BB with another poz guy.
    If it happened that a guy didn't tell be about being poz and he gave it to me, I wouldn't go for legal action. But if I knew about then c'est la vie.
    It's hard to say until you are actually in that situation.


    (i love this guy)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 09, 2012 10:46 PM GMT
    jim_stl saidI'm still floored by the number of people who claim here that they'd kill themselves if they ever got a positive test result.

    Really?

    I mean, yeah, it's scary, and it's something to avoid, but come on. This isn't 1986; you won't wither away and die. Just eat well, exercise, take your meds, and tell your partners, and you'll be in great health for decades to come (longer if medicine keeps moving the way it does).



    This.

    As I explained to my friends at the dinner, I'd be:

    1. Very disappointed with myself - but I would seek counseling from my doctor (who has worked very closely in the community advocating for HIV related issues)

    2. Speak to and receive whatever support my HIV+ friends had to offer

    3. Pay it forward by becoming as knowledgeable as possible about my new circumstances and overcoming it by helping out others who are newly infected.

    4. Take my meds regularly and inform those whom I would seek to be intimate with of my serostatus - I expect that my sex life would become markedly less interesting and much more infrequent - but I would seek to do what is right by others.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 10, 2012 3:26 AM GMT
    hou2jax saidI would end it. It was painful enough 'ripping my family apart' with the news I was gay. Having to disclose something like that would be too much for my folks. Why don't I just keep it to myself, you ask? Well, I can't keep secrets. When something is wrong, it is written all over me.


    So your family would be ripped apart by an HIV diagnoses, but suicide won't hurt them???? That's crazy talk. Your family is better off if you stay alive.

    That said, if I was diagnosed poz my bf would kill me, but I don't cheat, so it's a moot point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.


    True. I'm celebrating my 28th year of living with HIV. It does not have to be a "death sentence" (unless a person wants it to be).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 3:39 AM GMT
    Jhazz saidI'd say "eh, it happens" and live life accordingly. Go to the doctor and see what medications I'd need to start taking and be on my merry way. We are all going to die anyway, might as well make the best of it regardless of your situation as anything could kill you. You can choke to death on food but you still eat, don't you? As for sexual practices, I'd make sure to inform whoever I was with about my status.


    Outside of this, start volunteering much more often, and being a more active member of the community. "prove my worth" (within reason) if you will. I imagine a bunch of people with disabilities and lifelong medical conditions already do this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 3:40 AM GMT
    What would I do...run to a good and knowledgeable health provider, get all my labs done, get on HAART QUICK!!! .... then get on my knees and thank Christ that these days there is good HAART to get on QUICK!!! icon_biggrin.gif
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Aug 10, 2012 3:57 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.


    True. I'm celebrating my 28th year of living with HIV. It does not have to be a "death sentence" (unless a person wants it to be).



    I'm well into my eleventh year over here. Just cracked the 165-pound mark, too, and I somehow manage to keep up with collegiate ruggers on the pitch.

    It's only a death sentence if you allow it to be.
  • gymnerd

    Posts: 140

    Aug 10, 2012 4:18 AM GMT
    This is close to home. I have an ex who was with me four months before revealing his status to me. I asked when we met and a few times after in various indirect ways which he dodged and I let it go because I cared, leaving me feeling not only betrayed but a complete idiot for letting myself be lied to.

    I know its a much more manageable condition now and advances are being made all the time, and that many poz people I know are amazing guys worthy of love as the rest of us. But I also think not disclosing with someone who is opening their heart to you is a selfish and evil act. So...

    If I tested Poz I would first 'out' my partner's status on every social, dating, grape-vine channel in existence so every last person I could reach would know not only his status but that he was a dishonest fuckhead spreading a life-changing disease, one which doesn't even need to spread as fast as it continues to if people would only test, be honest, and act responsibly with each other.

    And then I would spend the rest of my life telling any potential partner up front, maybe trying specifically for a partner who was also poz so I could have someone who understands and could fight along side me.

    Oh, and I would not kill myself because that's a deeply selfish act that damages loved ones more surely than revealing status ever could.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 4:23 AM GMT
    I'm not HIV/AIDS Positive, but I've decided to already do, as best I can, what I can to live a Happier More Giving Life for others around me. My trigger was my last Grande Mal Seizure in 2006 that resulted in me not breathing for 3 or 4 minutes on my brother's apt floor one morning. I don't recall anything but the pain of waking up suddenly, but after all that I realized I could go at any time or place. So, I wanted to give my life to my years in the Fun and Helpful Ways that I wanted from others. Hence, another reason I am the way I am on this thread; aside from my low points. I'm sorry.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    7Famark saidI would wonder what the fuck happened since I practice safe sex. icon_eek.gif


    But there is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex; abstinence is the only safe sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 4:41 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.


    True. I'm celebrating my 28th year of living with HIV. It does not have to be a "death sentence" (unless a person wants it to be).



    True but is your life as free as less complicated,and have the qulity of life that a person who is HIV-? Are you in a long term relationship, because HIV + can be a massive deal breaker for many; still.

    Saying you have lived does not mean you have thieved. Many countries still will not accept you, and a life of regimented bill popping, and hospitalisation; many may see all of that as worse than death, and would rather live without the sigma.

    I myself am 50 and still HIV-. I have lived a long healthy life. So for me since I have lived and gotten to the age I have when so many of my mates never got to be 30, or 40, I would deal with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 4:46 AM GMT
    It would be business as usual. It'd be hard, but I would accept that I am HIV+, I would accept that I have a now smaller dating pool and move on with my life.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Aug 10, 2012 4:52 AM GMT
    tru_blu_auzzie said
    GAMRican said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.


    True. I'm celebrating my 28th year of living with HIV. It does not have to be a "death sentence" (unless a person wants it to be).



    True but is you life as free as less complicated,and have the qulity of life that a person who is HIV-? Are you in a long term relationship, because HIV + can be a massive deal breaker for many; still.

    Saying you have lived does not mean you can thieve. Many countries still will not accept you, and life of regimented bill popping, and hospitalisation; many may see all of that as worse than death, and would rather live without the sigma.

    I myself am 50 and still HIV-. I have lived a long healthy life. So for me since I have lived and gotten to the age I have when so many of my mates never got to be 30, or 40, I would deal with it.


    As usual, no clue expressed here, and a tenuous grasp of the mother tongue to boot. Next blathering comment, please.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 8:34 AM GMT
    jim_stl said
    tru_blu_auzzie said
    GAMRican said
    showme said
    tuffguyndc saiddude, it might as well be a death sentence.


    That is just a ridiculous statement in this day and age.


    True. I'm celebrating my 28th year of living with HIV. It does not have to be a "death sentence" (unless a person wants it to be).



    True but is you life as free as less complicated,and have the qulity of life that a person who is HIV-? Are you in a long term relationship, because HIV + can be a massive deal breaker for many; still.

    Saying you have lived does not mean you can thieve. Many countries still will not accept you, and life of regimented bill popping, and hospitalisation; many may see all of that as worse than death, and would rather live without the sigma.

    I myself am 50 and still HIV-. I have lived a long healthy life. So for me since I have lived and gotten to the age I have when so many of my mates never got to be 30, or 40, I would deal with it.


    As usual, no clue expressed here, and a tenuous grasp of the mother tongue to boot. Next blathering comment, please.


    Well you know I can only go by going into the homes of people with AIDS, and giving them assistance to stay in their homes, and from what I seen and from what they told me. But the truth is I left the world of HIV behind 20 years ago, after the lose of many, many loved ones, and even survived the people who attempted to pass on the HIV virus to me, and the battle being lost years ago. Saddly people preaching the propaganda that if you want to live you will, coz that being the case, I must of really wanted to live, because I'm still being HIV-.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 9:37 AM GMT
    IIIIIIIIIIIII said
    jim_stl said

    As usual, no clue expressed here, and a tenuous grasp of the mother tongue to boot. Next blathering comment, please.


    I suggest you put him on ignore. I did and have with all of his new accounts he makes.


    Great suggestion, and thank you........
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 1:17 PM GMT
    Wow, most of the posts on the first page (which is as far as i could make myself read) are depressing and demoralizing. I guess so much was to be expected from close minded poorly educated americans that don't have access to medicare or don't know what social programs are out there for people living with HIV. Thank you for your general consensus that i should kill myself or go live the rest of my life in a hole.

    Personally, i think that if you truly believe that, you should off yourself or go live in isolation regardless of wether or not you have HIV.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    Look up my first gay hero, from the 90's! He made a difference with his life so guys who discovered they had HIV/AIDS could go on "Living With AIDS", not dying of it. You may not have it in you to be educate people on HIV/AIDS if and when you get infected, but at least you can live Live your own life helping others.

    Pedro Zamora
    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    PedroZamora1993.jpg

    Pedro Pablo Zamora (born Pedro Pablo Zamora y Díaz, February 29, 1972–November 11, 1994) was a Cuban-American AIDS educator and television personality.[1][2] As one of the first openly gay men with AIDS to be portrayed in popular media,[3] Zamora brought international attention to HIV/AIDS and LGBT issues and prejudices through his appearance on MTV's reality television series, The Real World: San Francisco.[1][2]
    U.S. President Bill Clinton credited Zamora with personalizing and humanizing those living with HIV—especially to Latino communities—with his activism, including his testimony before Congress. His romantic relationship with Sean Sasser was also documented on the show with the two getting married on air; their relationship was later nominated by MTV viewers for "Favorite Love Story" award.[4] Zamora's personal struggle with AIDS, and his conflict with housemate David "Puck" Rainey is credited with helping to make The Real World a hit show, for which Time ranked it #7 on their list of 32 Epic Moments in Reality-TV History.[5]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidThat is a great story buddy. However, you are leaving out the fact that you already had a support system. U have a amazing boyfriend who stuck by you through entire ordeal. Most guys do not have that. I still stick by my decision and that is to end it all.

    So lets look at it this way. If you were diagnosed with another disease, say Cancer, of which there are plenty of survivors. Would you end it? If yes, then are you saying that you would end it when you diagnosed with any disease where there is no cure e.g. Cancer, MS..etc???
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    1... i'd know who to kill (becuse i don't sleep around and i tested twice after my last break up)
    2... i'd kill his/her ass
    3... then i'd kill me (i'm broke, so i'm dead anyway)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    I'd continue to play safe after the initial shock.Some will rebound to a normal life in 1-2years or less. Others might take much longer. Few might take the unfortunate step of ending their lives.

    There are various stages that a person will go through after a diagnosis such as HIV which also applies to other diseases like Cancer, MS..etc. Such diseases make you feel worse as you can get them through no fault of yours. Also keep in mind that there are other terminal disease for which there is no cure. Again a disease you might have/get through no fault of yours.

    bluey2223 saidWhat if they weren't lying and were surprised themselves? It is most transmittable by "negative" guys
    who have had unsafe sex in the window periods of testing sensitivity. During these times they have high viral counts, may or may not
    have symptoms, yet they have undetectable antibodies, which is the first line of testing. So they could have tested negative a month ago, hypothetically, had unsafe sex up to 4 months ago and still be considered "negative" and yet are highly infectious.

    So don't demonize someone thinking they'd know and lied to you because they have no self control. Also, if a guy is positive and is hooking up with a negative person and discloses his status and the fact they will practice safe sex, 75% of the time they will be rejected. This is why they wouldn't disclose.

    Just assume everyone is positive or don't have sex.

    Excellent points!!
    Simple solution: play safe or go home. Just quit the bitchin'

    From my research HIV is a numbers game. Someone who thinks he is neg but yet undiagnosed will be able to pass it on due to a high viral load and no meds. Think about that the next time you read a profile or if someone tells you the date that he was tested. You are only neg between the date the test was done and your next sexual encounter. After that your status is technically 'dont know'. Poz guys on meds with their viral load at undetectable levels are at extremely low risk at passing it on. That risk is even lower if you play safe.

    You may be apprehensive when you have sex with him. But do you get similarly apprehensive everytime you get behind the wheel?? No-one is saying there is no risk just as no-one is saying a seatbelt will always save your life.

    In-spite of this there is still a strong stigma and majority of guys will reject a Poz guy no matter how close he is to being their ideal partner. I guesstimate that it is probably 99% of guys will reject a poz guy where as publicly they will try and sound accepting of a poz guy. Besides what will their friends think if they are seeing a poz guy?!

    As far as reinfection goes, lets be real. We are well aware that there is a lot of bareback sex going on. If reinfection was an issue we should be seeing an explosion of such cases as well as treatment failures. But that isn't the case.

    More info here: Unprotected sex between long-term partners with HIV: no evidence for superinfection

    Here is a discussion Can two HIV partners with no viral load safely have sex without condom?

    No, I'm not here to promote bareback sex. I'm merely trying to put the whole numbers game of HIV into perspective. It pays to read up on issues that effect you because in this case ignorance isn't bliss. But sadly most will do a mental 'tl;dr' and skip this post and be none the wiser *sigh*