If your boyfriend was/is condescending/controlling to you...

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    Aug 29, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    My bf told me he didn't like it when I ran shirtless in the park nor when I wore speedos at gay pool parties... is this controlling?
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    My bf told me he didn't like it when I ran shirtless in the park nor when I wore speedos at gay pool parties... is this controlling?
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:11 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidMy bf told me he didn't like it when I ran shirtless in the park nor when I wore speedos at gay pool parties... is this controlling?


    I'd say he's just expressing his opinion. If he was like " I don't like it when you run around shirtless in the park and wear speedos at gay pool parties so you have to stop... NOW."

    then yeah I'd be like BITCH please and dump him.
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:15 AM GMT
    Flyguy18 said
    Aggieboy saidMy bf told me he didn't like it when I ran shirtless in the park nor when I wore speedos at gay pool parties... is this controlling?


    I'd say he's just expressing his opinion. If he was like " I don't like it when you run around shirtless in the park and wear speedos at gay pool parties so you have to stop... NOW."

    then yeah I'd be like BITCH please and dump him.


    Yeah he got pretty furious about it icon_cry.gif
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:17 AM GMT
    It blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidMy bf told me he didn't like it when I ran shirtless in the park nor when I wore speedos at gay pool parties... is this controlling?


    In your case, that sounds like honest communication. It's an irrational feeling, since he should instead develop trust in you and recognize that nothing is gained by trying to control that behavior. But feelings tend to be irrational, and it's better than just letting it go unexamined.

    You should have a discussion where you acknowledge that feeling little pangs of jealousy is natural, but that feelings of trust are more important to the relationship. Rationally, he should recognize that there is practically no such thing as controlling your partner, and that the only thing that really preserves a relationship is a desire on each person's part to remain in that relationship. Furthermore, if you can't invest trust in that other person, you really shouldn't be in a relationship.

    You and he should be comfortable laughing a bit about it, being open and not having an accusatory tone, and overall you'll be better for it.

    In the broader discussion, I think this example is an important one because it shows that things aren't so easy as instantly running away. You sometimes have to deal with irrational feelings and small problems in a relationship, and investing time in resolving those non-confrontationally is important. Or you'll never have a relationship.

    Caveat: Truly abusive behavior, verbally or physically, together with excessive attempts to control your behavior without any resolution of the issue is good cause for terminating a relationship. I don't want the argument for a little effort to make it sound like a relationship is inherently good in and of itself.
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??


    While I was writing a novel, you pretty much summed up the same thing in a few sentences. Preach!
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Aggieboy said
    Flyguy18 said
    Aggieboy saidMy bf told me he didn't like it when I ran shirtless in the park nor when I wore speedos at gay pool parties... is this controlling?


    I'd say he's just expressing his opinion. If he was like " I don't like it when you run around shirtless in the park and wear speedos at gay pool parties so you have to stop... NOW."

    then yeah I'd be like BITCH please and dump him.


    Yeah he got pretty furious about it icon_cry.gif


    Your boyfriend is a big baby.

    You look fine with your shirt off.
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??


    That's a good thought and maybe some can talk it through. When my experience started to become physical...that was enough. It would just be a "Red Flag" for me in the future.
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:22 AM GMT
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??


    Well me and this guy are no longer.. but it turns out that this was the start of a series of trust blowups on his part... that turned out to be too much on my end
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    Aug 29, 2012 2:29 AM GMT
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??



    Truth is... 80% of troubles like we're discussing are behavioral and will repeat again and will not change without major effort..most relationships are not major enough to compell someone to go to a goid psychiatrist and hash out why they are controlling..dominating and emotionally abusive. RULE OF TjHUMB.. its better to leave...rather than give a chance for behavior to escalate. Everything will Always escalate . You can bet on that.
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    Aug 29, 2012 2:31 AM GMT
    BriBri8998 saidHow would you take that?


    I wouldn't.
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    Aug 29, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    JackKash said
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??



    Truth is... 80% of troubles like we're discussing are behavioral and will repeat again and will not change without major effort..most relationships are not major enough to compell someone to go to a goid psychiatrist and hash out why they are controlling..dominating and emotionally abusive. RULE OF TjHUMB.. its better to leave...rather than give a chance for behavior to escalate. Everything will Always escalate . You can bet on that.


    I think that all reactions here depend on the perspectives we have. Some consider a relationship like a hookup, some consider it like a serious longterm relationship.
    Personally I consider it as a longterm relationship, so I agree with the idea of "sitting down and talking about it". If me and my boyfriend dumped each other like others did/recomended, we should have done it many times icon_biggrin.gif but that's not how a serious relationship works. Sometimes you endure, you fight, argue, dislike a behaviour of the other, and if you are patient enough, things work out easily. I don pretend to be a ROYAL HIGHNESS in my relationship so I wouldn't do something like wearing a speedo, if it bothered my bf. I wouldn't even take this like a restriction...What a luxury life to consider it like a restriction...

    Look around guys, please more into the whole world with all different people by getting out of your luxury lives. Try to be grateful and modest a little bit icon_exclaim.gif

    Regards
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    Aug 29, 2012 9:56 AM GMT
    I would either face him or show him the door !!
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    Aug 29, 2012 11:11 AM GMT
    I admit I didn't read through the comments... but I'm hoping to shed some light from the other side of the coin, here.

    I sometimes worry I'm being condescending, even controlling of my boyfriend. See, trouble is that my boyfriend (whom I love and would never hurt emotionally or otherwise) can be kind of a ditz. He easily allows others to take advantage of him, and forms opinions on things based on hearsay and sometimes even a pretty blatant lack of common sense. He's never cruel, or angry with his convictions.. but he can be terribly... terribly misinformed. I don't shove it down his throat, but I do point out when he's wrong, and why. When he's conflicted about something, I tend to spur up lengthy conversations with him and dig deep into why he feels this... why he thinks that.. what does it mean, and what effect will it all have? All this in hopes that his cute little light bulb will go off.

    Usually what ends up happening, I feel, is that my steering the conversation ends up influencing him to just... think whatever I think. And I don't see that he understands my rational, more than I see him just adopt whatever I say. I'm afraid if he ever tried to convince anyone after our conversations he'd be twice as lost as when he started.

    I worry that this is a form of control I have over him, and that my outlook on his own ability to think freely is condescending. I -do- think I'm better than him when it comes to social and moral strategy. (In general I think some people really suck at thinking.. and those of us who exercise that skill are better for it.) And I do often influence his opinion or actions so that he does what I want. (even if it's not exactly what I was going for) It would THRILL me if he stood up for something he believed in, and backed it with strong reasoning. I would love for him to take that control over himself. But as it stands now.... I'm afraid I might meet the definition of condescending and controlling.

    Is this wrong?
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:11 PM GMT
    principal0 said
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??


    While I was writing a novel, you pretty much summed up the same thing in a few sentences. Preach!


    You have more patience than me to preach ;) and I agree 100% with your post, well said.
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    Aug 29, 2012 12:40 PM GMT
    JackKash said
    ohboy saidIt blows my mind how quick everyone would dump someone like that...how about sitting down and talking about it with him??



    Truth is... 80% of troubles like we're discussing are behavioral and will repeat again and will not change without major effort..most relationships are not major enough to compell someone to go to a goid psychiatrist and hash out why they are controlling..dominating and emotionally abusive. RULE OF TjHUMB.. its better to leave...rather than give a chance for behavior to escalate. Everything will Always escalate . You can bet on that.


    I realize that people are different and not everyone is committed to hard work of keeping a relationship, but there are people like me who will exhaust all options so at the end I can honestly say, I've tried everything. Also for some, it takes some time to realize that they were wrong but I would draw the line if it got physical.
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    Aug 29, 2012 1:09 PM GMT
    Well, you deserve it.
  • FireDoor211

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    Aug 29, 2012 1:33 PM GMT
    If my boyfriend was condescending I would know he was gay
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    Aug 29, 2012 1:44 PM GMT
    understand it's their insecurities that make them react that way and just move past it.
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    Aug 29, 2012 2:13 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    BriBri8998 saidHow would you take that? I mean, I know there's "not as mush fish in the see" and that you should appreciate what you have.


    Two really huge things wrong here in the above.

    Sounds like this guy have been bound and broken in like a pair boots for use anytime the guy wants...
    What do I do when a guy gets all abusive, controlling or manipulative?

    I leave the asshole IMMEDIATELY! Doesn't matter if I got a place to go or not, cause he'll be out of my life. I'd rather be alone than unhappy!

    Don't you homoes have any dignity anymore???????? WTfF!

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    Aug 29, 2012 2:45 PM GMT
    I had a bf who was condescending...

    First Offense: Take the blow. Remember it in hopes that he was possibly having a bad day and won't do it again.

    Second Offense: Talk... "Umm... I realize that I'm not perfect... but just be more tactful of how you express that..."

    Third Offense: Talk more and raise a little hell... "Dude, really?" Address the differences in how you show appreciation for one another. Listen to Toni Braxton's "He Wasn't Man Enough For Me" and imagine him doing it to someone else who's NOT you icon_cry.gif

    Fourth Offense: Break the HELL UP! icon_evil.gif
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 482

    Aug 29, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    My ex of 4.5 years began well but became controlling and condescending at times. His OCD was the problem. I could not do anything right. I didn't fold the clothes right. I didn't cook right. I didn't make the beds right. After being corrected so many times, I stopped doing them and let him have at it. Then the argument was that I didn't do anything. I couldn't win. As much as I loved him, it was a god send when he got caught cheating. Out, out damn spot!
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    Aug 29, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    The minute those factor kicks in and my level tolerance deprived ...Ill just have to make sure ill be Top! permanently....that dont work? ill play psycho..

    Then towards the end i'll sing this!



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    Aug 29, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    If he's doing it in the bedroom: I'd bake him a cake.
    If he's doing it out of the bedroom: I'd bake him.

    Please teach people to behave better.