To jerk or not to jerk...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    cheating is going outside whatever rules you set out.

    just like cheating on a diet.

    if you have to ask, you should clarify it with anyone else involved in a contract.

    that's not exclusive to romantic relationships.

    people who go by the idea that it's "easier to get forgiveness than permission" often find it's cheaper to not get your teeth knocked down your throat over some thing that wouldn't have been a big deal if you had just asked.
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    Sep 11, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    I thought this thread was going to be about clean & jerks.....my bad. Carry on.
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    Sep 11, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    you have to work out some negotiations before you go through with this (revise "the boyfriend agreement").

    he better be allowed to do the same.
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    Sep 11, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    @OP: Guyze like you keep me me from dating again. Hope you enjoy your boyfriends tears and heartbreaking so you can bust a nut on the side. Nothing topples over the scales of justice like cheating. I'd rather stay forever alone, than date another one like you.
    P.S. Tell your boyfriend everything you've said in this thread, and move on with life.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Sep 11, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    Seeing that you are new to relationships and it's only been a short time that you've entered into your current relationship, I can understand why you would want to seek advice on something like this. As you can see from the responses, when it comes to questions regarding sex, the effects of sex on a relationship, and the effects of sexual encounters outside of a relationship - there are some very passionate replies - guys do have some very stong opinions on what they view as acceptable for them.
    So, you asked an honest question, and have gotten some good honest responses, some a bit harsh in my opinion, but the guys responding are only telling you what they feel is right.
    It comes down to how to define cheating. I'm not going to attempt to define it, because I don't think I could. Is jerking off with a friend cheating on your BF? I'd have to say yes, it would be for me, for some guys, maybe it isn't.
    Doesn't make any difference - you and your boyfriend have to define it for yourselfs - and that takes communication and for communication to be honest and real - you have to have put some time and effort into your relationship. It's probably really difficult to ask your BF at this point in your relationship if he would mind if you jerked off with a buddy from time to time. Hell, it'd be difficult for most couples to talk about that at any stage in their relationship.
    I can understand how you're tempted to take your buddy up on his offer to JO together - you're young and horny, you've done it with him before and it wasn't a big deal. It feels good and you're confident that it would not effect how you feel about your BF. Problem is, you now have a BF, something that was not an issue when you JO'd with your friend before. And, while some might not define JOing as "sex" - it's damned close. At 4-6 weeks into a committment it seems awfully dangerous to put yourself into a situation where stroking off with a friend could very quickly go much further - guys are not that good at maintaining reason when they're stroking their hard cock and watching a friend do the same.
    So, I think you know the answer to your question - and I would suggest turning the situation around and ask yourself how you'd feel if your BF asked you if you'd have a problem with him watching some porn and beating off with a buddy when you two can't be together. Hey, maybe you'd be cool with it, maybe you guys can work out a compromise or whatever and if it works for you - that's your business. But I truely think you'd be more than a little concerned about where that leaves you.
    Look, a relationship is not easy. It takes work, it takes denial and sacrifice. You have to put your BF's interests ahead of your own sometimes. You have to ask if having a BF and a relationship is worth making some sacrifices. With the right man, it is. One or two months into something is too soon to know, and too soon to start even thinking about broaching subjects like this. If you like this guy, then don't fuck it up by doing something that has the potential to really fuck it up. Jerk off alone. At some point you'll be comfortable enough to talk to your man about boundaries, and I hope you're together long enough for that to happen.
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    Sep 11, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    If things are going "extremely well" and you are "happy" with your relationship of 1 year, then why mess it up? If you're confused about what to do, just ask your boyfriend the same question that you are posing to all of us:

    "Honey, Darling... I was wondering...since you live thirty minutes away from me & we only get to spend time together two or three times a week, if you would mind if I watched porn/jerked it a few times a week with an old buddy of mine with whom I often used to rub one out as bros...nothing more than that? He knows that I have a boyfriend, so you do not need to worry about that. But I don't want to be dishonest with you and/or feel like I'm cheating on you or anything, but this falls into a gray area for me. Would you allow this and/or would you consider this sort of thing cheating?"

    If he says that he doesn't mind that, then he is probably doing the same thing...in which case, I'd have to question why you guys are boyfriends in the first place. If he's not okay with it, you might just lose him, for he will then start questioning your ethics and/or commitment to the relationship. And if not right away, this will come up many times in future arguments about fidelity, etc..

    Unfortunately, it's not always possible to have your cake and eat it, too.
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    Sep 11, 2012 8:09 PM GMT
    JulesVerne saidIf things are going "extremely well" and you are "happy" with your relationship of 1 year, then why mess it up? If you're confused about what to do, just ask your boyfriend the same question that you are posing to all of us:

    "Honey, Darling... I was wondering...since you live thirty minutes away from me & we only get to spend time together two or three times a week, if you would mind if I watched porn/jerked it a few times a week with an old buddy of mine with whom I often used to rub one out as bros...nothing more than that? He knows that I have a boyfriend, so you do not need to worry about that. But I don't want to be dishonest with you and/or feel like I'm cheating on you or anything, but this falls into a gray area for me. Would you allow this and/or would you consider this sort of thing cheating?"

    If he says that he doesn't mind that, then he is probably doing the same thing...in which case, I'd have to question why you guys are boyfriends in the first place. If he's not okay with it, you might just lose him, for he will then start questioning your ethics and/or commitment to the relationship. And if not right away, this will come up many times in future arguments about fidelity, etc..

    Unfortunately, it's not always possible to have the cake and eat it, too.


    HAHAHHA oh Jules that scenario was hilarious the way to worded it LOL
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    Sep 11, 2012 8:11 PM GMT
    I always find these questions bizarre.

    Ask your bf.
    That's it.
    Talk about it, decide what you two are okay with. You can revisit it in the future if either of you want to. Stick with what you two decide until then.

    I don't think there's any other honorable answer.
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    Sep 11, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    ChunkJGZX saidC'mon, man, you knew this wasn't okay when you asked the question.


    That's the only reason these threads ever get made, to seek validation for something they already know is wrong.
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    Sep 11, 2012 8:22 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    ChunkJGZX saidC'mon, man, you knew this wasn't okay when you asked the question.


    That's the only reason these threads ever get made, to seek validation for something they already know is wrong.


    +1
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    Sep 11, 2012 9:06 PM GMT
    @OP, Big deal this is your first relationship. You're old enough to know that lying isn't ok. You need people to tell you, you shouldn't lie to your bf about jerking off with someone you "might touch" or whatever briefly?

    If you had come here asking how to approach your bf about opening up your relationship or defining boundaries that would have been something else altogether.

    But lets not mince words. You came here asking for outright support on your desire to LIE to your boyfriend which koaa2 seems to have lacked the basic premise of.

    The world is full of open relationships and closed relationships and poly what have you relationships. But they are ALL built on the principle of honesty - something that is taught to us all from the age of pre-school. So yes, I will judge you because liars disgust me.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Sep 11, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    I've been in a monogamous relationship for eight years now, and my best advice is to show your bf this thread and let him read the responses. He knows you better than any of us, so he'll be able to put the advice into the proper context, and you can discuss it from there.

    Imo you haven't cheated if you've only thought about it. Cheating happens when you act on it. If he dumps you on the spot for even thinking about it, then he will probably end up bitter. It takes real maturity to understand human folly, and accept it without jealousy getting in the way. Trust and faithfulness aren't automatic, nor should they be. People who expect it automatically are in for a rude awakening. Those are the the ones who seem like they would rather be alone, because they know they'll get hurt.

    A relationship is hard work, and the truth isn't always easy to face, but if you are with the right person and you are faithful to each other then monogamy is worthwhile to achieve, and you will be glad you never cheated and threw it all away. That is how you learn to truly commit.
  • Borski1992

    Posts: 163

    Sep 11, 2012 9:20 PM GMT
    jmr2298 said
    Borski1992 said
    uoft23 saidHow does this fall in the grey area of cheating? You intend to lie to your boyfriend while you jerk off another guy. It is cheating. It's lying. You're old enough to know better.

    edit: And your profile says single and looking for hook ups. Break up with your boyfriend. He deserves not to have his time wasted by dishonest cheaters.


    And now it is changed to dating but looking for dates. Kind of makes you look just as bad dude. I agree with uoft23


    Once again...my most insincere apologies...The dating box didn't uncheck when I went to change my profile. I'd appreciate it if you'd also hop off and go fuck yourself.


    Yeah whatever, dude. I just hope that you aren't this big of a dick to the guy that you are thinking about cheating on. Or maybe it would be easier for him if you were. icon_rolleyes.gif If you want to go jerk off with a friend, do it. But don't even think about lying to your boyfriend. That is the part that people are judging you on. If you even have a slim thought that it might be wrong, it probably is. Then the only question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you still want to do it. And don't ask the question to an open forum if you can't handle people telling you that you are a bad person for thinking about doing that.
  • SwimBIkeRun94...

    Posts: 480

    Sep 11, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    Until you have a chat with your bf, it's cheating.

    If you two agree that engaging in sexual activities with others is cool, then it's no longer cheating.

    For the life of me I cannot understand why people place such importance on monogamy in relationships. We are men, and we like the physical pleasure of sex.

    I am in an open relationship. I travel all the time for work. If there's another hot guy on my Grindr in a hotel, I will probably fuck him. And then I'll take what I've learned from that experience and enhance the sex life I have with my bf. And he'll do the same.

    That's how we manage our relationship, though, and we're upfront with each other. Always.
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    Sep 11, 2012 9:42 PM GMT
    FuriousGeorge saidAll I can say is that's a very slippery slope you'd be on. Maybe it's not the world's biggest sin to merely jerk off in the presence of another guy, but it's easy to start getting handsy from there. Regardless, keeping secrets from your boyfriend in general is always a shitty road to go down.


    +1

    If you can't ask your boyfriend if he would mind or not if you did it, you probably should not do it.
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    Sep 11, 2012 9:43 PM GMT
    I think it's fine and I also would have no problem if you exchanged semen in your mouths or rectums. As long as your bf doesn't find out, it's all good...
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    Sep 11, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    remind me to not date you..... and for yer 1st relationship nonetheless... I don't see stable relationships in your future....

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    Sep 11, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    So your status is changed to dating now and you are no longer looking for hookups. It doesn't sound like the past year was all that serious if it was just updated.
  • amidon7

    Posts: 139

    Sep 11, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    Egro_Nadley saidcheating is going outside whatever rules you set out.

    just like cheating on a diet.

    if you have to ask, you should clarify it with anyone else involved in a contract.

    that's not exclusive to romantic relationships.

    people who go by the idea that it's "easier to get forgiveness than permission" often find it's cheaper to not get your teeth knocked down your throat over some thing that wouldn't have been a big deal if you had just asked.


    Agree 100% with this. It's the way things work in my relationship with Ian. 10 years, this year and going very strong icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 11, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    Wait even better just ask the magic "8" ball

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    Sep 11, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidUntil you have a chat with your bf, it's cheating.

    If you two agree that engaging in sexual activities with others is cool, then it's no longer cheating.

    For the life of me I cannot understand why people place such importance on monogamy in relationships. We are men, and we like the physical pleasure of sex.

    I am in an open relationship. I travel all the time for work. If there's another hot guy on my Grindr in a hotel, I will probably fuck him. And then I'll take what I've learned from that experience and enhance the sex life I have with my bf. And he'll do the same.

    That's how we manage our relationship, though, and we're upfront with each other. Always.


    Some of us have self control and don't have to fuck everything in site.
  • amidon7

    Posts: 139

    Sep 11, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    msuNtx said
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidUntil you have a chat with your bf, it's cheating.

    If you two agree that engaging in sexual activities with others is cool, then it's no longer cheating.

    For the life of me I cannot understand why people place such importance on monogamy in relationships. We are men, and we like the physical pleasure of sex.

    I am in an open relationship. I travel all the time for work. If there's another hot guy on my Grindr in a hotel, I will probably fuck him. And then I'll take what I've learned from that experience and enhance the sex life I have with my bf. And he'll do the same.

    That's how we manage our relationship, though, and we're upfront with each other. Always.


    Some of us have self control and don't have to fuck everything in site.


    .. and even more of us are tolerant to different points of view.
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    Sep 11, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    There's nothing Grey about this situation. Your gut tells you it feels dishonest b/c it is. Hope you don't do it. Gad you have a strong relationship with your bf, and I hope it stays that way.
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    Sep 11, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    amidon7 said
    msuNtx said
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidUntil you have a chat with your bf, it's cheating.

    If you two agree that engaging in sexual activities with others is cool, then it's no longer cheating.

    For the life of me I cannot understand why people place such importance on monogamy in relationships. We are men, and we like the physical pleasure of sex.

    I am in an open relationship. I travel all the time for work. If there's another hot guy on my Grindr in a hotel, I will probably fuck him. And then I'll take what I've learned from that experience and enhance the sex life I have with my bf. And he'll do the same.

    That's how we manage our relationship, though, and we're upfront with each other. Always.


    Some of us have self control and don't have to fuck everything in site.


    .. and even more of us are tolerant to different points of view.


    Amen. Some of us are not though.