I have given up... I can't find a place for me in the gay community....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 6:56 AM GMT
    Your problem is you try to hard.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 7:24 AM GMT
    I do empathize with you. I read this as you're frustrated about having done all of the leg work, and opened yourself up to new things and you're having a hard time meeting people who have interests in common with you. You're looking for instant gratification, but ya know some things just aren't as easy as we want them to be. My suggestion is to find something constructive (not bars, or clubs) and stick with it. You never know who's going to walk in the door, and you may make some friends at the worst. They may not be your "type", or relationship material but there are many types of people in the World who can bring so much to your life in so many ways. Maybe there's a sports league in your area? Maybe search for a group on meetup.com (or is it org) or even start a group and see if anyone replies.

    http://martialarts.about.com/od/news/a/gaygames.htm

    Check it out in relation to the Out games as well. Those will be in Copenhagen next Summer, next gay games are in Cologne, Germany in 2010 so that's 2 opportunities for you to possibly get to meet people who have that interest in common with you. Your niche isn't always going to be right in your back yard. There's a place for you I'm sure.

    Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 7:28 AM GMT



    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif



    I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Do you really think it's gonna be any different if you were straight? Don't give up yet, life is unpredictable and you never know what may happen. My advice is to just live your life and focus on yourself instead of thinking too much into this.

    And besides, you came out of the closet for over two years. That's a huge fucking step! Take it from someone who is a year older than you and is still a closet case.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 7:34 AM GMT
    You are a wonderful guy - don't give-up!
  • B71115

    Posts: 482

    Aug 24, 2008 7:58 AM GMT
    what about the one guy?
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Aug 24, 2008 9:30 AM GMT
    As much as I agree with all the "think positive" approaches so far, my advice is more practical.

    Save your money, buy a backpack and rail pass and head off overseas for at least three months. You're a young good looking guy. Stay in hostels in dorm rooms where you will meet other people and be almost forced to get along with them. Tell them your gay early on in the piece. They will not give a shit, and you will find lots of young gay men on your travels who aren't all into the scene.

    I think your problem is one of familiarity. You're not into where you live, your parents are bugging you. There is a whole world of people out there. The gay community is a worldwide thing, and varies from country to country. Being on the move will also stop you getting too introspective. Maybe your just not meant for the gay scene where you are.

    Try Europe. I did when I was young and loved it.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 9:56 AM GMT
    king2139 saidwell I have same kinda problem here in portland, but I guess there are alot of things going on this town.. well maybe I jst don't know where and when and who. I'm still trying to figure out this but I'm sure I'll find something soon icon_smile.gif don't give up ! you will be fine ! we are still young!





    icon_smile.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 24, 2008 11:34 AM GMT
    Reality check time...
    I don't think this is gay life coming to bite you in the ass
    I think it's more late adolescence
    You're only 20 my man
    from 18 - 21 guys question who they are and where they're going in life
    it's a tumultuous time and alot of guys act out in dangerous ways

    Some people have hit on what you need to do already
    If you're in school stay there
    You like martial arts? Keep at it
    In time you'll find your Niche
    just keep you mind and eyes open
    Don't be looking for the right men in bars or clubs
    cause that'll just disappoint you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 12:08 PM GMT
    GQJock..he is out there and you will find him...just have to look and when it happens it happens...I know how you feel because it is hard for me to find guys that love to run in NJ and I am a compettive runner...keep looking and he will shoe up but till then enjoy the sport you love ....
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Aug 24, 2008 12:34 PM GMT
    giantsfan85 saidI am 23 and no one knows about me. Reading this, makes me not want anyone to know. Is it really that bad?


    No griantsfan85, it's not that bad. If you are open minded and willing to accept people that are different to you.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Aug 24, 2008 12:47 PM GMT
    McGay saidIf you're looking for someone like you, you're too in love with yourself. Open yourself to people unlike you. You'll probably spend the rest of your life being amazed.



    That is so true.


    OMG I sounded so gay saying that LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 1:07 PM GMT
    I've felt the same way (and still do). Now I've just realized that there's more than one type of gay person, and not all of us are the club hopping, popper taking, pride parade bunnies that the media and our own popular culture protray us to be. IIt's been my experience that many guys on this site get offended if you mention that you can't relate to the gay scene. I guess some people don't realize how diverse we really are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 1:26 PM GMT
    I've never really fit in...not in school, not in the gay community, nowhere. When I was younger it bothered me, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

    Now I realize how lucky I am to stand apart from this group or that. I'm not a clone, I think for myself and have my own thoughts and opinions. This whole 'fiiting in' thing is very highschool, not real life. By not fitting in to one particular group, I can easily experience different ideas and groups of people because I haven't limited my thinking.

    Yeah, at your age it can be very frustrating and defeating, but really, it's not that bad. You're slowly coming into your own and you have your whole life to find your place in the wrold.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 1:37 PM GMT
    To ItsMyLife you've got a lot of good advice and insight here and some not so good. I've gone through my life being accused of being everything from too straight to too gay. I'm happiest just being myself. It took a while to realize that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to fix the fuel injection system in my car and then go and try to decide which recording of Turandot I like the best, then doing some more work on my wood turning project, then trying to perfect my Tarte aux poire a M√Ęconnais.
    Do what makes you happy and the right guy will find you.

    As to what jprichva said, I can only attest to his judgment, as sometimes things shared in private cannot and should not be publicly aired and if my own personal issues in this area are any indication, I completely trust that jprichva's judgment is sound and just.

    I have met men that although I was really attracted to, discovered that I may have nothing in common with, or that they were horrible or vapid people. This has nothing to do with being gay, This is no different in the gay community than it does in the straight community. It's just that there are fewer of us in the population as a whole.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 1:46 PM GMT
    I came out at 19 and expected to be welcomed with open arms into this world where I'd finally feel at home, loved, and accepted. I spent the first 19 years of my life feeling like an outsider, especially because I grew up in a small town in the Midwest.

    I was in for a rude awakening. I tried to adapt and be what I thought people wanted me to be in order to fit in and date.

    I finally realized that it's okay to be different, to like the things I like, and that I needed to accept myself. The older I get, the less I care if people share my interests. It's great if they do, but it doesn't diminish the experience for me to enjoy things on my own.

    I've also found a lot of straight people don't share my interests, so for me it doesn't have anything to do with people's orientations - it's just that I find things interesting that some people call weird. I get excited about stuff the bores the hell out of other people.

    Like Caslon, I also found that I need my alone time or I just withdraw into myself. I can also get grumpy. No matter how much I love someone, I need some time away. When I finally accepted that my relationships greatly improved.

    You will find your place in time.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 2:16 PM GMT
    Hey ItsMyLife,

    Don't worry about not finding your place within that community. Just be your self, do your thing and engage with it once in a while (if you so wish). I don't go to gay clubs and bars or go to gay socials, etc. But I do have a few gay friends and honestly, close friends are more important than a scene. They know I can't stand what mainstream gay culture is all about and they respect that. I never felt like I had much of a place in any community let alone the gay one. So I just do my thing and even though it's hard to meet like-minded guys to date it doesn't bum me out that I don't fit in. If anything I'm proud of not fitting in. It's like the bridge analogy. If everyone is jumping off a bridge are you going to do it too?

    Being different is a gift, the followers have an easier time fitting in but the ones that defy that are the ones that shine.

    We also live in a more open society than we had 20+ years ago and it's not necessary to be sequestered in a "gay community" in order to meet other guys. I'd let some of your closer friends at the Mixed Martial Arts Gym know where you stand. One thing I've learned from my experience in the military and in other predominately straight male worlds is that most guys could care less about your sexuality as long as you can hold your own among them. It's all about being a man. You're lucky to be who you are and ultimately, it's a great thing you don't fit in to the mainstream gay community.

    And so what, you like dick and ass!! Being attracted to the same sex comes with allot of struggles, but so does life in general. It aint fuckin easy for anybody and you'll encounter harder issues in life than your sexuality. You've already made the first major step in assuring that you'll live a fulfilling life by coming out to those closest to you. In that respect, you're miles ahead of allot of guys like us.

    And to wrap this up, the older you get and the more experience you attain you'll realize that in some way, you are a part of a greater community. You just represent a new wave. It's a wave of homo/bi guys who are lucky enough to live in a society where they don't have to be segregated into a sexuality specific community or conform to the roles or stereotypes within it in order to live as a homo/bi guy.

    There's a party down the block, you're invited but you don't like the crowd...so throw your own party, even if it's just for you and one friend.

    Be true and keep on kicking tough guy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 2:37 PM GMT
    All I have to say is your day will come so get your education on goal and your sport and it will all fit into place but as someone else said you are young and have your life ahead so chin up chook!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 2:49 PM GMT
    Hey bud, I know this might not be much consolation but just give it some time. My teens and early 20's were by far the worst time of my life. I hated that I was different and never seemed to fit in with anyone anywhere. At that age, a lot of guys are struggling to find their comfort zone. Looking back, there were lots of reasons for my misery but the one that stands out the most was my approach to finding friends. I looked in the wrong places for the wrong guys. When you're younger, it's easy to think that your friends should be a carbon copy of yourself. Now, when I look at the amazing friends I have around me, they're the most diverse group of personalities, interests, opinions, and ages. Sure, a couple are very much like me but the majority are not.

    So, just keep your chin up. I promise it gets easier with age. Keep yourself open to all the people around you...just because they might not be in to MMA when you meet them doesn't mean you can't turn them on to it icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 3:50 PM GMT


    We're glad ItsMyLife brought this up; many of you guys have brilliant ideas and statements about not fitting in.

    We still, after all these years, feel we don't fit, but try a little every day. Some days it feels like all is right with the world and we are really belonging, other days we feel like castaways on a rather deserted atoll. That's OK though, we simply keep knocking on doors and eventually one opens, even if just for a short time, and the feeling is wonderful.

    So I guess what I'm trying to say ItsMyLife, is that even when you are with a significant other, there is still a desire to be part of something larger. We found being the type of couple we are also invites, or seems to invite, forms of ostracism or sensations of isolation described in this topic.

    To stave off any negative contemplation, we try thinking of ourselves as unique, but then become self-critical thinking ourselves as appearing holier-than-thou, as someone mentioned earlier. Ugh. The worst thing we consider ourselves would be that!

    Humbly, us
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 24068

    Aug 24, 2008 4:06 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life



    You really need to stop wallowing in all of this and just get out there and live your life and let things fall into place naturally. When I first moved to L.A. (I think I was 23) I didn't know anyone, had no idea West Hollywood was the center of the gay universe, and inadvertently moved right in the middle of it. I felt terribly alone, confused about my sexuality, guilt-ridden over it, afraid of friends & family finding out, etc. It's a tough age for everybody, no matter how you shake it, and all this teen angst type feeling sorry for yourself is not exactly going to make others want to be around you either. I was extremely shy back then, and it took me nearly a year to finally meet a niche of friends and start to feel like I belonged. Hell, after 20 years living there, there were still times when I didn't feel as though I belonged there or fit in. Bottom-line: L.A. is a tough town, and you have to have a thick skin and be up to the task of creating your own niche or it will swallow you up. I hate to be blunt, but you really just need to grow up and focus on yourself, getting a good job, maybe involving yourself in activities or volunteer stuff that gets you out in the community meeting people...the rest will fall into place. The negative energy you are creating around yourself is likely only going to push others away. Be positive, and most importantly, be open-minded to meeting different people of all ages, shapes, and types who will enhance your experience and help you grow. It's a process, and it doesn't happen overnight. Accept that, and just keep movin' forward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 4:38 PM GMT
    Im in Judo, Have been since I was 8 years old. Its been over 20 years.
    5 years ago I came out and in doing so I became the target of intense ridicule and had my jaw, arm, right leg and ribs broken because if it. I went thru hell those 5 years for my decision. Judo teaches simplicity and honesty in that simplicity. I was trying to meld all that I was learning especially in my life. Melding the gay part was hard to say the least and Im still doing it BUT after all that the very people I sought acceptance from still to this day don't accept me. I've moved on. Im still a member of the local dojo and attend 3 nights weekly. Recently about 2 years ago a large amount of judoken/students moved into the district. I found out that 4 of the 10 were gay and /open out. Two of which belonged to the local police department. It was great as there now were people who were like me. Funny though after 6 mnths and after getting to know one another were good acquaintances but friends no. Which brings me to the point. There are a lot of guys out there just like me. Paid the dues, struggled to fit in yet on the outer edge of the circle like feral dogs...wanting to engage but weary of the physical attacks and attitude. Im like your younger brother, the kid next door, the grunt down the hall, just your everyday kind of guy who works, pays the bills and my own way who just does my own thing. I don't fit in with the "rest" of whats gay here BUT Im not chuckin' it all away. I have made friends both straight and gay. I live a very "regular" life and a good person. Word of advice.....give yourself time. Finish school, get your job and then cultivate those relationships that will mean something to you. Know that not everybody is going to "click" and that you''ll have tons of "acquaintances" and a few of those choice friends. Until that bf/partner for life comes along enjoy the ride and every experience the universe has to give to you. Wanting it right now is natural, but waiting for it and knowing its right for you is the test. Basically thats how it goes.
    So, what am I doing now. Same, trained with a few of the guys who left for the Beijing Olympics....made my bid years ago but didn't have the umph to pass the trials.I've met a few guys and a few with benefits but nothing really to commit to. My circle of friends consistantly enlarges with me opening up to more than jock and athletes. My sensei/teacher took me aside last year to tell me how much he admired me and how I carried myself even though went thru all that physicaI crap years ago with members from the dojo. He admires my honesty and while he doesnt quite accept my life path he does see my commitment to it and respect me for it. I love my life, its the one I was given. Learn to love yours or at least get on that path..things will work out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 5:02 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life


    I am with you. I feel same way.. I am comming from conservative family.
    I am single from 6 yrs. Gay guys are acting like very unreal... they do not want one life patner. They do not have nothing to give except hurt and drama.
    I did research whole summer I think I am very much agree with your point.
    Gay life curse.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 5:49 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life



    Dude, you need a reality check. Grow the hell up. Lots of masculine gay guys, into sports, competitive, whatever everywhere. Not "One Fucking Guy"? In all of L.A.? Are you freaking kidding me??? You must be walking around Los Angeles with your eyes (and mind) closed. Quit your whining and maybe someone will want to be your bud.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 6:10 PM GMT
    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 24, 2008 6:19 PM GMT
    Wow so I didn't even think I would get all these responses from a rant I had last night. Also on my profile I should reiterate it was kind of a joke I would just like to date someone who is an athlete and into sports the MMA is a Joke with my friends but I guess I didn't make that clear.