I have given up... I can't find a place for me in the gay community....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 25, 2008 9:47 PM GMT
    wow this thread caught a lot of attention. lots of valuable response too. Itsmylife, I hope you can use some of the advice the guys are giving you icon_smile.gif
    I can agree w a lot of what devildog78 says, cos my own experience was quite positive.

    when I was about 22 I came out to a few friends from my judo club, and though it surprised them they were great about it (one guy wanted us to go to a strip joint, and I had to tell him that naked women really wasn't my thing :lolicon_smile.gif I think if you're serious about your sport and your training partners are also good friends, they'll respect you as an athlete and a friend, and care less whether you're gay. My best friends today are my straight judo friends.
    By now, I think most people in Danish judo circles know about me being gay, and it's not an issue, but it makes ME feel a lot more comfortable that I'm not hiding anything.
    I was appointed national coach for the under-17 team this january, so the straight judo people in Denmark must even trust me enough to be in charge of the kids, who would have thought that? LOL
    If some of your MMA buddies are good enough friends, I wouldn't be too worried about letting them know.
    It doesn't solve your problem with finding a man though lol. Personally I'm not sure I'd even want another guy involved in judo. that'd just be too much, since most of my life is judo already (but maybe a hot wrestler in stead lol).
    But I totally understand wanting to find someone who's also an athlete. I have odd working/training hours and I'm away for tournaments and camps on many weekends or whole weeks, and unfortunately not many guys put up with that for long... maybe someone who was also an athlete would?...
    Don't give up though, never underestimate the the brilliance of the internet, you might meet someone on-line... or where you don't expect it.
    patience is a virtue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 25, 2008 10:35 PM GMT
    I wouldn't say "give up" literally but yet maybe there is something to letting certain things go. By the way the next time mom and dad tell you, that you are different from every gay man just smile and say there is one common bond you and every gay man will always have and leave it at that.

    If your goal is to only connect with a certain type of guy for a platonic friendship you really are robbing yourself of meeting some incredible people along the way. So remember to keep the door open to all of that when it comes to making new friends.

    Life really has a way of falling into place when we don't force certain things. If the issue is also the type of man you personally prefer to date that will happen as well but it will happen when the time is right for you. I swear this, but that time is usually when you aren't actively seeking it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 25, 2008 10:59 PM GMT
    i wouldn't say "give up" but you should stop fixating so much on what it means to be gay..or to fit in the "gay community" and concentrate more on who you are as a young person in society. i assure you everything else will fall into place - play sports, do masculine things - i'm sure...eventually you'll feel at place and probably meet someone.

    i think a lot of gay guys go through this..i did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 2:30 PM GMT
    makeumyne saidLots of good advice on this page. I want you to think about a few other things as well.

    - Do you really think it's easy for heterosexual people to fit into the world either? It's not. It's not easy for anyone.

    - Do you really want to date someone like yourself? Do you really think you'd be fun to hang out with in your maudlin state?

    - How about you get out there and enjoy your life as a single guy. Don't hide in the closet. If you're open, honest, confident and happy being single, that's precisely when Mr Perfect will sweep you off your feet. Or sweep kick you in the head. Whichever you find most romantic.

    For you, none of this is going to come easily. You smell like internalized homophobia, your parents aren't helping. It's time to get some professional counseling.



    Very good post...and internalized homophobia is endemic in the gay community.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 2:59 PM GMT
    akashac360 said
    I am with you. I feel same way.. I am comming from conservative family.
    I am single from 6 yrs. Gay guys are acting like very unreal... they do not want one life patner. They do not have nothing to give except hurt and drama.
    I did research whole summer I think I am very much agree with your point.
    Gay life curse.


    gay life curse eh? if my life is a curse, bring it on, because i'm enjoying life quite a bit. as for hurt and drama, that's entirely void in my relationship with my bf, our partners, and friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 3:08 PM GMT
    Now I'm the only fag in the village, and the inn is full!

    You have every right to want to find a guy whom is not unlike yourself. Non gay acting. The gay world is not the only world. let me tell you, there's lots more life outside the gay ghettos, and many more young guys, like you out in the real world.

    Gees I was 30 until I found my one. Yet I have two. Thats what I get for being patient.

    Oh don't lower your standards just to please another. There are lots of non gay acting, men out there. You have every right to feel the way you do, and you are never on your own, and I am the only One.

    Good night sweet dream, and amen. sweet child.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 3:12 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in.


    so since i'm over 35, i'm like a disease? icon_razz.gif

    I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way!


    wow, they're really loving and supportive of you as a person.

    i used to live a short drive from you. i don't know where you've looked but i had a group of friends and we played sports frequently. and get this, it was a few years ago so i was under 35 then! ^_^ not only that, but there were only two other guys older than me in the entire group. no, i take it back, there were three. but still, that left about a dozen guys between 16 and 30.

    before then i lived in quartz hill, and was in the USAF at edwards, which was literally just over the hill from you and i had gay buddies there too.

    I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell!


    methinks you've gone stumbling around and you're more than a bit prejudiced in who you accept as friends or more. granted however, i'm not that competitive in sports. i enjoy playing for the fun and health of it and the camraderie, not beating the sh*t out of someone and dominating them with my hormones.

    And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life


    first and foremost, be true to yourself. the majority of your angst is internalized issues. i.e. your 2nd to last sentence.

    we just flew back from visiting in socal and many of my buddies are still there. if things go right, we'll be moving there in a month. personally i put odds on us having fun to be much higher than the ante you're putting up.

    icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    I think that what your parents and society feeds you is distorting your image of gays. Most of the gays that I have met are not incredibly feminine. I know a lot of gays that are more like your average guy. We go to games, play pool, and drink beer. I know what you mean about the not coming off as gay thing, but if you don't look or act a little gay, there really isn't a way for other gays to know, and I really can't think of many gays that are going to hit on you if you look like a straight jock. You need to look for people that are staring ffrom a distance. I think that by shouting "fuck the gay community" you are really throwing yourself under the bus. If more of us don't stand up and be ourselves, the gays that can pass, will. It just makes life easier if noone really knows.

    You just have to stay out and take pride in who you really are as a person. Most people have trouble finding someone, and it is a lot harder for us to determine who is actually available to us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 3:21 PM GMT
    Come on. to a 20 year old. just the sound of 35+ sounds old. gees there are 40 year old whom think 35 is old, because they want a 25 yo.

    So age is relative!

    But I would never be 20 again!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 4:11 PM GMT
    Part of the message of the Gay Revolution is for you to be who you are and to be comfortable with being that person. Yes, as humans we are creatures of comfort and like to have others to identify with, but that doesn't always happen.

    There's the little gay boy that likes to dress in mommy's clothes that gets beat up by his siblings, picked on by his community and chastised by his elders... he can't stop from becoming a fierce draq queen (like Dame Edna - straight), a transvestite, or a transexual.

    There's the butch little girl that doesn't like Barbie or lipstick. Likes to climb, jump, and play hard. She gets called names but can't help being what she is, whether that be a tomboy, dyke, or whatever.

    Enjoy who you are and what you like and quit fretting about the rest. If you can't find a man that does what you do, you can always find someone that will accept and support you in your desired activity. And if you can't, you'll always have Hans and Palmer.

    Quit beating yourself up, society will do that for you. You have to be strong against everyone else and enjoy what life you have. Use that anger in your matches, or whatever they're called; you probably need that energy to win big and show a group of gay men that they can kick ass and still be a homo.

    Next time you kick some straight boys butt, do me a favor... Put your hand on your hip, give him a "round the world snap", flip your head, and say "taste the rainbow, bitch". (I actually doubt you would flame out like that, but it would be HI-LARRY-US! and who knows you might get help some straight boys to, er relieve some pressure. They don't have to turn, they just have to put out.) icon_twisted.gif
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Aug 28, 2008 5:18 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidI have been out of the closet for over two years now and I have spent the whole time trying to find my place. Everywhere I went I felt like I didn't really fit in anywhere that was for the gay community, the clubs, the bars, even the hollywood LGBT center had nothing to offer me even when I tried to do things with it I was the only person under 35, and I still was like an outcast looking in. I always look online and other places just for a place you know? It makes me feel like shit and makes what my parents say to me hurt even more when they say that you can't be gay because your not like any other gay man.... well after two years well I fucking feel that way! I mean I have meet one person who is a masculine gay guy who is really competitive in sports, and is like me.... One fucking guy! what the hell! And the first place I have ever felt like I truly fit in for the first time in my life and that I feel like I am with people who are like me is at my Mixed Martial Arts Gym but I no one knows I am gay there so its like I am not being my true self...... So yeah thats my fucking rant Fuck the gay community I have yet to see one person in the public eye I can relate to and more than one person I have met in my life! So I hate this and I hate who I am! Being gay has been nothing but a curse in my life



    Um... so what? So what if you can't find anyone else exactly like you? Neither can I, so I hang out with people who are different from me. I'm friends with straight people, with flaming queens, with girls, with geeks, with jocks, with gay 'community' organizers, with people 30 yrs my senior and people 10 yrs my junior; I've found something-- but never 'everything'-- in common with all of them. If I only wanted to associate with other people 'just like me' I'd be awfully frustrated too, but I've yet to meet anyone else with my particular combination of traits. Why should that be a burden?

    You said you feel like you fit in at your MMA club except for not being out to them. That's a choice-- your choice. If you aren't happy with it, change it. And you seem hung up on meeting "masculine gay guys." What is "masculinity" but a collection of constantly shifting social expectations that have little if anything to do with having a dick? Being hung up on categories and types and classes of people (instead of just getting out there and experiencing other people) is also a choice that you can adjust. Sticking to one's "own kind" is a denail of the fundamental reality that no two people are exactly alike, it just becomes a silly game, an exercise in continually parsing down groups into arbitrary categories. Play it long enough and even the handful of "just like me's" you'll end up with will eventually exhibit some unforgivable deviation from your ideas and become excluded.

    The 'curse' isn't that you're a man who's attracted to other men; it's your attitude. 'Being gay' doesn't have to make a person miserable, lots of gay people live with it happily, but being anything-- tall, short, smart, slow, black, white, gay, straight, woman, man, anything-- can make you wretched if your attitude makes it so.

    The only sane way to live with other people is to accept our differences and try to enjoy the diversity. But if you turn "pro my-kind" you become "anti everyone-else," and isolation and unhappiness necessarily follow. You can't be happy until you take your ego out of the equation, because right now even your dealings with other people are all about you, and clearly that's driving you nuts. Nothing else lives up to your self-idolization, but other people aren't to blame for your expectations or your preferences or your demands, those are limitations and barriers that you choose to maintain. You've put up increasingly closer, smaller walls to keep "them" out and predictably, you've ended up stuck in a little box by yourself and proceeded to fill it up with misery over your plight. Knock them down, blow them up, open yourself up to other kinds of people-- to see something of yourself in everyone and vice-versa. That leads to some sanity and happiness, and you could have it if you make a really simple choice. Give up your self-centeredness, it's only being a burden on you.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 24068

    Aug 28, 2008 5:24 PM GMT
    WOW! That was a mouthful but you definitely hit the nail on the head. Great post!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 6:00 PM GMT
    Alright if you want to find some solace read this post

    I am african american. For years I've bore this hatred towards african americans because I didn't fit in. I was into alternative rock instead of hip hop. I was into Japaneses animation instead of dance films.

    When i would go to family events or a school related social gathering, I was always the odd ball. I used words that people said, "sounded white" or I was told that I acted white and I just couldn't find anyone to identify with.

    So when I got the chance to move to the suburbs I lavished in it. The culture of these people who I was suppose to segregate myself from actually fit me pretty close to perfect. And though I would always be an odd ball in some sense, I felt like I didn't stand out so much. I felt less lonely.

    With some years of self catharsis, however, I realize that all those years spent on disappointment and frustration were ill spent. It was a waste of my time. Just because I was black didn't mean that I had to have things in common with black people.

    And having dealt with the same issue in the gay world, being a man in between butch and femm, I realize that just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I have to have things in common with gay people either. My entire life I've had straight friends while growing up, why did my coming out suddenly mean that that had to change?

    I realized I wanted to have gay friends so bad because I felt like I couldn't be myself with my straight friends. I felt like It'll be cool to chat and hang out with people who understood and knew what it was like to live this kind of life, But guess what? I could have that with straight friends and so can you. You will find more peace as you make peace with yourself. Trust me.

    And there are some people like you out there. I know because those are the types of guys I use to date. Just be patient and remember to focus on you.

    Have you ever wanted to see a movie really bad and so you thought up all of these things and when you saw it it just let you down?

    Thats why you don't go into things with expectations. Enjoy the ride and let life surprise you. Things will find you so much more quicker than you will find them.

    And before anyone complains I have made many black friends since my youth that I have a lot in common with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 10:41 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidI say....

    Get a sex change and become a lesbian. Your macho mannerisms will blend in nicely and you'll have so many other bull like lesbians that share your passion for guy stuff, sports, etc.



    icon_smile.gif



    LOL icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2008 11:03 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidI say....

    Get a sex change and become a lesbian. Your macho mannerisms will blend in nicely and you'll have so many other bull like lesbians that share your passion for guy stuff, sports, etc.



    icon_smile.gif


    Oh yuk. But a wanna be man dyke, is not a man, and never could be.

    I have no desire to be a fem kind of guy, gay acting. I was born a man, happy to be one.

    But a Feminazi by no means is a man. Yet this young man is being condemned for not embracing a community he was born into. So what he does not blend in. I have a few mates whom hate gays. but I'm OK, as I'm not like the rest of em. I'm "normal!" their words.

    I always wanted a real man too, and now I have two, and none of us are a bitch in bed either. Takes to be born with a dick and balls to be a real man, and a strap on does not cut it!icon_biggrin.gif

    So why should he change, to please another?

    Now I'm sure, that does not make One, sound bitter!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 4:52 AM GMT
    So after doing a whole bunch of thinking crying, bitching kicking and screaming I think I have found my whole problem and it is even what everyone said in these posts. I dont know who I am and that is why I am so uptight and worried. And why I am even judge mental of other people. I know you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, but when you dont even know who you are that is a big problem too. So I need to find out who I am before I can make any more self indulgent ranting posts and make an ass of myself again
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 5:10 AM GMT
    LOL. I think you'll be fine dude. No gay person has any real place in the gay community. The only thing joins us together is the simple fact that we are all gay and enjoy the compnay of men. That's pretty much it.

    You should be happy that you aren't like any other gay man. Don't sell yourself so cheaply. Wanting to fit in isn't always a good thing.You sound a bit self destructive and that isn't a good thing because with that attutide you are beginning to sound like quite a few gays that I know (Self loathing isn't attractive just to let you know).

    I'm happy that I'm not like any other gay man. If I was I think I'd be miserable. Cherish what you have and make it something you can call your own. I know what you are talking about because I felt that way when I was a kid and just getting use to the idea of being gay. I was lucky to find this out at a young age and I'm glad I had some damn cool parents for supporting me when I needed it most.

    I'm not gonna preach to you because that's not what you need right now at this moment. I don't do empathy or sympathy. You just need to man up and walk on your own two feet. You are looking for a place to feel accepted and comfortable. I'm gonna tell you now that you ain't gonna find it until you accept and feel comfortable with yourself first. Once that's done you will feel much better and the need to "fit in" will not be an issue.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 6:47 AM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidThat's very mature of you to express, ItsMyLife.

    I hope you find what you're looking for.

    Good luck with all of that.
    You can say that again! oh wait! you did! icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 7:48 AM GMT

    ItsMyLife> So I need to find out who I am before I can make any more self indulgent ranting posts and make an ass of myself again

    I don't think anyone seriously thinks you made an ass of yourself - and anyone who did can take a reality check from your response.

    Usually it's sarcastic/negative/demeaning to tell someone to "grow up", but finding oneself is definitely part of that and most young adults (and others) need to go through that. Better to do that at 20 than 40.

    Don't stress over it. You're not going to "grow up" and find yourself overnight. Take your time and enjoy the journey.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16517

    Aug 29, 2008 1:20 PM GMT
    ShawnTX said


    I think for myself and have my own thoughts and opinions. This whole 'fiiting in' thing is very highschool, not real life. By not fitting in to one particular group, I can easily experience different ideas and groups of people because I haven't limited my thinking.
    .




    Kudos for Shawn. I wish everyone could be that way....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 1:51 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidSo after doing a whole bunch of thinking crying, bitching kicking and screaming I think I have found my whole problem and it is even what everyone said in these posts. I dont know who I am and that is why I am so uptight and worried. And why I am even judge mental of other people. I know you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, but when you dont even know who you are that is a big problem too. So I need to find out who I am before I can make any more self indulgent ranting posts and make an ass of myself again


    Poor boy! Poor boy!
    Down-hearted and depressed and in a spin
    Poor boy! Poor boy!
    Oh, youth can really do a fellow in!

    How lovely to sit here all relaxed
    With none of the woes of Fred and Max
    I'm glad I'm not young anymore

    The rivals that don't exist at all
    The feeling you're only two feet tall
    I'm glad that I'm not young anymore

    No more confusion
    No morning-after surprise
    No self-delusion
    That when you're telling those lies
    He isn't wise

    And even if love comes through the door
    The chance that goes on forevermore
    Forevermore is shorter than before
    Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore

    The tiny remark that tortures you
    The fear that your friends won't like him too
    I'm glad I'm not young anymore
    The longing to end the stale affair
    Until you find out he doesn't care
    I'm glad that I'm not young anymore

    No more frustration
    No star-crossed lover am I
    No aggravation
    Just one reluctant reply
    "Buddy, goodbye!"

    The Fountain of Youth is dull as paint
    Methuselah is my patron saint
    I've never been so comfortable before
    Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 2:01 PM GMT
    Caslon6000 said
    Poor boy! Poor boy!
    Down-hearted and depressed and in a spin
    Poor boy! Poor boy!
    Oh, youth can really do a fellow in!

    How lovely to sit here all relaxed
    With none of the woes of Fred and Max
    I'm glad I'm not young anymore

    The rivals that don't exist at all
    The feeling you're only two feet tall
    I'm glad that I'm not young anymore

    No more confusion
    No morning-after surprise
    No self-delusion
    That when you're telling those lies
    He isn't wise

    And even if love comes through the door
    The chance that goes on forevermore
    Forevermore is shorter than before
    Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore

    The tiny remark that tortures you
    The fear that your friends won't like him too
    I'm glad I'm not young anymore
    The longing to end the stale affair
    Until you find out he doesn't care
    I'm glad that I'm not young anymore

    No more frustration
    No star-crossed lover am I
    No aggravation
    Just one reluctant reply
    "Buddy, goodbye!"

    The Fountain of Youth is dull as paint
    Methuselah is my patron saint
    I've never been so comfortable before
    Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore

    Doth he protest too much?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 2:04 PM GMT
    dcarm said
    Caslon6000 said
    Poor boy! Poor boy!
    Down-hearted and depressed and in a spin
    Poor boy! Poor boy!
    Oh, youth can really do a fellow in!

    How lovely to sit here all relaxed
    With none of the woes of Fred and Max
    I'm glad I'm not young anymore

    The rivals that don't exist at all
    The feeling you're only two feet tall
    I'm glad that I'm not young anymore

    No more confusion
    No morning-after surprise
    No self-delusion
    That when you're telling those lies
    He isn't wise

    And even if love comes through the door
    The chance that goes on forevermore
    Forevermore is shorter than before
    Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore

    The tiny remark that tortures you
    The fear that your friends won't like him too
    I'm glad I'm not young anymore
    The longing to end the stale affair
    Until you find out he doesn't care
    I'm glad that I'm not young anymore

    No more frustration
    No star-crossed lover am I
    No aggravation
    Just one reluctant reply
    "Buddy, goodbye!"

    The Fountain of Youth is dull as paint
    Methuselah is my patron saint
    I've never been so comfortable before
    Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore

    Doth he protest too much?

    Keep it up and you won't have to worry about living that long.

    BTW, arent you supposed to be keeping an eye on that aussie dimwit?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 29, 2008 2:40 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidDon't take me too seriously, Pattison. I was simply joking. icon_smile.gif


    Don't worrie One didn't. I just played with what you said. Albeit truth was said.

    But look at some of the dimwits above, any wonder he doesn't feel he fits in to this narrow minded community, and he gets abused for it, and for not embracing it; how limiting.

    I gave back my gay card at 25, and have never looked back. Instead of being stuck in one community. I am able too blend in many others, and not look like a homosexual out of the gay ghetto.

    I mix very well with str8's, Bi guys, rednecks, religious people, non religious people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2008 12:02 AM GMT
    oh my!
    I do try, but apparently he escapes my watchful gaze from time to time...