Hook-up app addiction

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    Oct 03, 2012 6:55 PM GMT
    I've talked before about how hooking up can leave an empty feeling, and obviously there's been thousands of words generated over what a good hook up is or isn't and how to go about it, i.e. Ethical Slut and so forth.

    What I'm interested in is the consequence for the gay community when hooking up becomes a culture. Now we know what culture manifests as, it's "Hey what are you into?" instead of "hey, how are you?" even though "hey, how are you?" can quickly turn into "what are you into?" or "top or bottom?"

    I don't want to draw a parallel between this and the frivolity gays are "traditionally" interested in like pop culture and fashion and claim it's true that gay culture is shallow, but the parallel is there, at least prima facie.

    I used Manhunt before, hated my experiences, but didn't let that colour my conclusions as I know these experiences are subjective and some hook-ups can be a lot of fun, can lead to friendship and even to relationships.

    What I'm thinking of is a product of getting out of a messy relationship in the messiest of ways, and the reactionary feelings that come out of it.

    What I found going back on to Manhunt is that hooking up is great idea because of the possibilities but the actual act is way less enthralling and far less mysterious, losing its allure to me. Again, completely subjective, but the idea of hooking up is alluring, the act can be bad to good to great even, but the feeling after is empty. This reminds me of drug use in its pattern. Also, masturbation.

    Which leads me to use the word addiction. Stimuli-response, as in sex, is also found in the act of finding someone for sex. And like addiction, the feeling of emptiness felt after recedes and the build-up begins again. Like climaxing, petit-mort, and revival.

    Now, is this bad? Is it a values call, that people prefer monogamy but enjoy sex, the guilt, the doubts, all of which affect mood and self-esteem and can divert energy away from being a productive, happy human being, is the bad in the feeling of liking sex to pursue it so "shallowly" or in the feelings that follow?

    Those two are really connected by consequence, as in there's a consequence for looking for sex so "shallowly". I have a friend who told me if she didn't love her boyfriend and was in the relationship because she didn't want to be alone, she might have missed out on "the one".

    This leads me to think that the inverse to hooking up, the inverse to the shallowness of it is to seek out and find "the one" that meets most or all criteria. A compatible mate.

    Compound this knowledge with how some people judge others for sleeping around. I've heard of people who sleep around a lot and find others who they think is the one, which seems to be a coupling of those two seemingly different values (mucho sex vs finding a meaningful relationship) and "the one" rejects them because they do not have such a coupled value system. They cannot practice what appears to them to be the cognitive dissonance of having sex until you find someone you are compatible with.

    Now, I say "hook-up app" because never before in history can people meet for so basic a function so easily and so quickly.

    There was a really interesting thread about sex on the first date. The responses were varied.

    What I gather is that there was the same struggle that sex is meaningful, and if meaningful then you don't give it up so quickly. For others it was sex can be meaningful, but they're more tolerant of the ambiguity, noting that significance is what we make of it, and relationships are significant when give it significance.

    The consequences, as I see it, is in terms of maximizing certain characteristics in a culture by how we use our mediums to communicate.

    Technology lets us fuck without even learning their name on a scale like never before. But hooking up occurred in rest stops and bathhouses for much longer before. Time and place changed because of technology.

    My question, is the practice of anonymous sex a vestige of the history of the gay community? Does more acceptance mean there was a point in our history when we didn't have to go this route, or would this have been a natural consequence of our being men... being pigs?

    Food for thought.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 03, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    Dang gurl. All I asked you is if you were a top or bottom....
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Oct 03, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidDang gurl. All I asked you is if you were a top or bottom....

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    Oct 03, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    Yes, it is a vestige of gay culture. More acceptance from society would perhaps change things for the future.....

    Having sex with multiple and/or anonymous partners is not a very esteemable act. This is not only in homosexuals but heterosexuals as well.

    This leads to a strong correlation:
    self-esteem vs. esteemable acts

    I can't say I've seen many gay men hold themselves esteemable in the societies I've lived in, and I've been around a little while.

    Little to no self-esteem leads to:
    The ego will always choose to be unavailable for fear of being shattered.

    The digital world brings the convenience of unavailability.
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    Oct 03, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    The history of gay sex was closeted. For many on the DL, it still is. I think nothing bore down on the gay psyche more than having a physical need as powerful as sex relegated to the awkward shadows of an alley, coupled with the cognitive dissonance of outwardly living a prudish priest's life.

    If free gay sex on Grindr isn't the gay equivalent of The Pill, I don't know what is. And this is coming from me, who's never even seen Grindr.

    I'm in a monogamous relationship, something I value because it's truer to who I am and how I was raised. But I can't condemn anyone finding liberty in anonymous sex...it sure beats the (former) alternative. Celebrate your (mostly) brothers & sisters who are beginning to find even transient love without the crushing shackles of shame.

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    Oct 03, 2012 11:15 PM GMT
    OP marry me lol!
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    Oct 04, 2012 12:46 AM GMT
    A really smart and well thought out idea about a seemingly meaningless topic. Very well said OP icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 04, 2012 12:49 AM GMT
    Yay there are some intelligent men on here!
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    Oct 04, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    Aw shucks, see you all at the bathhouse!

    My "problem" is I overanalyze things, but have a high tolerance for ambiguity so I'm pretty okay with how complex things can be. This topic is probably one of the most central struggles I have with my identity in my young life.

    Thanks everyone for the input though, I love how I'm not crazy! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 04, 2012 2:23 AM GMT
    Chances are if one feels empty after a hook up it's because he topped. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

    Now, if the bottom feels empty afterward it means the top might not be equipped for the job.

    I'm just saying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2012 6:10 PM GMT
    It's all about individual values, needs, desires, and preferences. What's right for you may not be right some someone else.

    Regarding hooking up as a cultural phenomenon? Been that way forever. Men like sex. If women had the same neural wiring as men then we'd have heterosexual bathhouses and the W4M section on craigslist would be a lot more active. But women don't, so heterosexual sex is approached and sought somewhat differently. But you can bet that your straight neighbour would be hooking up with half the women in the neighbourhood if it were as easy going on Blendr asking, "what r u into?". So, hooking up is more common amongst the gay community because we all like sex a lot, and finding a soul mate is hard. And even if you do, sometimes it's nice to try other things.

    Do what you like, don't judge others for doing differently. Different strokes and such.