What should I do? Lack of clarity

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    So I have been seeing this guy, he's 35 and I'm 22. I recently moved up to the city and met him through my roommate as they are co-workers. When I met him, he was in a relationship which he explained was on it's way to being over and they decided to open the relationship to see if that could help. I never get involved in open-relationships, but I decided that it'd be fun and casual and nothing serious would come out of it. We kept it platonic, at first, and never progressed passed kissing. Then we were hanging out on a daily basis for a good two and half months. He's been extremely sweet and generous with me and really started to open up to me. So things started to get serious and we were doing more date like things rather than platonic friend stuff like get coffee and cuddle in the back of his truck late at night, get breakfast and take walks. He'd hold my hand. He would tell me stuff like "whatever guy ends you, is going to be so lucky" and never felt like he was worthy of my affection. We eventually told each other that we had mutual feelings for one another, but then he gave me some devastating news; apparently his partner and he were not open, and that I was now the "other guy." So I didn't talk to him for a while, but considering what he's done for me and his overall personality, I don't believe that he meant any harm by it. I gave him a chance to talk it out and we did, and decided some space and time were needed for him.

    During this "giving him space" period he'd text me and ask how I was doing, asked me to hangout several times and flaked, showed up at my closing shift looking like a total mess and told me to go home with a friend rather than take the bus home with him. We hung out twice, and both times he was bitter and quite rude, and bother times he apologized for his behavior. I was concerned about him and wanted to talk about it and see what was going on, so we can do whatever we needed to fix it, even if it meant more time apart. I texted him and told him I was sad about us not being close friends, and right now that's all I wanted. He said we couldn't be close friends, and that I was being too negative, and that I am young and should be having fun. I told him that I am having fun and that I wanted to continue hanging out. He continued to diverge conversation away, so I asked him what was going on, and he ended the conversation.

    Since then we've spoken a few times over text, but our conversations are short. I text him, and he seems like he doesn't want to talk, then the following day, he'll text me back saying something sweet, or inquiring about something he'd scene on my facebook. And I have a strong feeling he's stalking my facebook, if that even means anything.

    I just need help in understanding what happened. I am more upset about being confused about the situation rather than actually losing him, I don't want to bother myself with someone who can't communicate what's bothering them, so he can tell me what I need to do. Maybe I did something wrong.

    ps - I think he may be going through a midlife crisis
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    Oct 07, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    sounds like u are the much more mature one than he is... even tho you're younger.

    From what I read-- he sounds a bit flakey and kinda bi-polar-ish? hot one minute, cold the next.... weird.

    Maybe his feelings for u are overwhelming him and it's driving him cray cray.
    He doesn't know what to do to "have you?" or even he feelin guilty about his other relationship and is having conflicting feelings about u and his boyfriend and doesn't know which route to take?

    do u wanna be with him even?
    I wouldnt beat myself up about it.
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    Oct 07, 2012 7:34 PM GMT

    littlebeard, you haven't anything wrong. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

    Actually, the opposite. icon_wink.gif

  • Suetonius

    Posts: 2575

    Oct 07, 2012 7:39 PM GMT
    Et troll?
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    Oct 08, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    I will summarize his behavior quite effectively. Him lying to you about being open was an attempt not necessarily to get some ass, but sounds like he was a bit unsure about the future of his relationship. You posed a potential "what if I left him, what is out there that I can obtain?"

    His boyfriend then found out, and he was obviously put in a spot where he had to choose: you or his boyfriend. Most likely scared of the prospect of not having a bf (as most aging gays are) he chose the safe pick, his current bf. This did not diminish his feelings for you, or his urges, and his encounters with you since it all unraveled suggest that he is simply fighting these urges and feelings. On one side his primal nature is telling him to go after you, but his mind and perhaps better judgment (as far as his relationship goes) is telling him to stay away-thus you see his conflicting behaviors and constant apologies.
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    Oct 08, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    To clarify:

    He has separated from his partner. And his partner knew nothing of what was going on until I told him that he needed to tell his partner that he was cheating on him, which he did immediately after me telling him to do so.

    I do have strong feelings, and I am most times overly caring. He's been so great to me, and I know he's a good man but he seems to have a wall that he's built from a past experience probably. I study psychology, so I have been able to interpret as much as him being defensive and does not like to feel vulnerable. He and his partner were in a 5 year relationship and apparently for the last 4 years of it, they were not affectionate nor having sex. He and I never had sex. And I have been the only one he's done this with. We kissed and cuddled but no sex. And he's never flaked on me before.

    I do have feelings for him. Aside from this he's super sweet. He always wants to be there for me when I'm sad or whatever, but he's never let me help him. He got mad at me when I got him a gift for helping me get started after my move.

    If I were to get into a relationship, I'd like to work on our friendship first. I just don't know how to go about proceeding with our friendship, since we hardly talk
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    Oct 08, 2012 9:49 AM GMT
    A rocky start..but not too rocky...
    I hope you can work it out... icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 08, 2012 6:55 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidSorry buddy, but I can't even read that. Paragraphs maybe? icon_neutral.gif

    I did the best I can, hope it helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2012 8:54 PM GMT
    Seeking a relationship freshly out of a relationship is unhealthy.

    Seeking a relationship while still in one is unhealthy.

    You can't control him.

    What you can do is ask yourself why you are attracted to unhealthy relationships and people.