Is it wrong to write someone off because they're closeted?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2012 8:24 AM GMT
    You first asked a rather general question, "is it wrong to write someone off...?" and then you went on to share both the details of your situation as well as the basis of your decision not to pursue this guy. It breaks down to this: his choice to remain in the closet is simply not compatible with your choice to live your life as an out gay man. Bravo to you for honoring the choices you have made for yourself and big high five for calling bullshit on his "beyond my control" line of crap.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Oct 09, 2012 10:46 PM GMT
    yes because you could be turning away a potential great partner. i have two good buddies of mine who have been together for 23 years. One of them is still not out to his parents. His partner accepts him for who is and that is ok with him. Anyhow, its up to you to decide what you can tolerate. I just say do not judge him the that one character flaw. If he has all the other qualities you seek than give him a try. What do you have to lose?
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    Oct 09, 2012 11:58 PM GMT
    I am out. I was scared as shit and felt hopeless before I came out. One of the promises I made to myself is that I would never forget the fear that comes with being closeted and that I would help other closeted guys come out. If we struggled with coming out and then shame others who aren't ready to come out, we are absolutely useless to our cause.

    We're just as connected to the guys who are in the closet as we are to the one's who are not. Each one of us has been closeted and there are more completely closeted gays and partially closeted gays than completely open gays. If we're not strong enough to help closeted guys, we should begin with admitting it.
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    Oct 10, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    Myol saidI am out. I was scared as shit and felt hopeless before I came out. One of the promises I made to myself is that I would never forget the fear that comes with being closeted and that I would help other closeted guys come out. If we struggled with coming out and then shame others who aren't ready to come out, we are absolutely useless to our cause.

    We're just as connected to the guys who are in the closet as we are to the one's who are not. Each one of us has been closeted and there are more completely closeted gays and partially closeted gays than completely open gays. If we're not strong enough to help closeted guys, we should begin with admitting it.


    That's what I was trying to say. It's fine to not want to date them but to even write them off as a friend, it's like what happened to the part of the gay community supporting one another
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    Oct 10, 2012 1:06 AM GMT

    Hmmmm..let us 'define in the closet' for a moment.

    It's not a black or white state all of the time. Many guys are in varying stages of coming out.

    Bill was out to some people at work, and not at all to his parents. Having not been out myself at one point long before I met him, I could hardly judge him harshly. I did the opposite.

    ...and he came out. (of course, I brought him out to his folks, lol, but did it in a way that made everyone happy)

    I could say a lot more about this but.......I'm dressing a turkey!

    No not Bill you nimrods. icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 30, 2012 12:16 PM GMT
    Meh I dont know. I think it depends on the person really. If they've displayed that they want to come out of the closet than maybe they need a shoulder to lean on for support first. I know when I came out (forced out) I really felt like I could use someone to vent to. All some people need is one positive influence to help them open up to everyone.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16505

    Oct 30, 2012 12:25 PM GMT
    I think it depends on what you want and how serious you are. Clearly, a closeted person isn't going to make serious commitments in the near term
    about who they are or what you may want or expect of them. Now, if you
    don't want much, except perhaps sex and action "behind the scenes",
    it probably isn't any issue.

    The problem for most is.. this won't be a "real" relationship, meaning outward acknowledgement (doesn't matter if iit's just a friendship, fwb or loving relationship) if it is closeted. Now one can do it, but most probably wouldn't find it fulfilling.
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    Oct 30, 2012 12:27 PM GMT
    Is it better to write someone of when you're in the closet?

    Hell I was written of by a homo cause I showed concern; which made me stupid as hell. Whatever...
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    Oct 30, 2012 12:44 PM GMT
    Why does he feel like coming out is beyond his control? Family? Job?
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    Oct 30, 2012 12:46 PM GMT
    Closet cases are always dangerous. Stay clear. It's not about the closet, it's about being honest with yourself, your family and friends and allowing others to know who you really are and a closet is the exact opposite of that. Run from closet cases.
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    Oct 31, 2012 8:25 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidCloset cases are always dangerous. Stay clear. It's not about the closet, it's about being honest with yourself, your family and friends and allowing others to know who you really are and a closet is the exact opposite of that. Run from closet cases.


    Yeah I understand where you're coming from. The only thing that I dispute though is the notion that being honest about sexuality automatically makes the person an honest person because unless they are honest and open about EVERYTHING they probably still have their own shortcomings
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    Oct 31, 2012 8:47 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI think it depends on what you want and how serious you are. Clearly, a closeted person isn't going to make serious commitments in the near term
    about who they are or what you may want or expect of them. Now, if you
    don't want much, except perhaps sex and action "behind the scenes",
    it probably isn't any issue.

    The problem for most is.. this won't be a "real" relationship, meaning outward acknowledgement (doesn't matter if iit's just a friendship, fwb or loving relationship) if it is closeted. Now one can do it, but most probably wouldn't find it fulfilling.

    Yes, you describe a relationship I had for 2 years. I really liked the guy. No, I loved him. But he couldn't acknowledge that, from me or any man, because it might blow his cover.

    There was a whole laundry list of things he insisted I couldn't do with him in public, and words & phrases I couldn't use. Once I was even scolded for having followed him around the room with my eyes too intently, at a public reception we attended together. Well of course I followed you with my eyes, goddammit, I love you!

    And the real irony was that I learned that almost everyone knew he was gay. Plus they knew I was his lover. But he maintained this fantasy that he had everyone fooled, that they all thought he was straight. icon_rolleyes.gif

    And as you note, no commitments from him were forthcoming. And that's when I moved away, finally coming here to Florida. I don't regret the time we had together, he was truly a great guy and a wonderful lover. But only in private, and I needed more than that. Those are the kinds of guys who are the most difficult to say goodbye to, yet to whom a goodbye is most needed.