Intro & Relationship Questions!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2012 2:59 PM GMT
    Hello gentlemen!

    While I understand that the relationship forum may not be the proper place for an introduction, I have a rant and questions to follow after.
    So, if you will forgive me and allow me this moment to vent, I would be grateful!

    First, the Introduction! YAYY!

    Im Dormanayevsky (no, not Slavic myself, but its in my heritage.) haha!

    Im a full-time student, pursuing my bachelors in International Studies for Security and Diplomacy (anyone poli-sci or INR buff's here!?) I work part time, and try to enjoy what little time I am able to find for myself.

    Well...that was incredibly boring, now, wasnt it? hah!

    Okay, on to the real deal here.

    I know that there was a thread dedicated to those who have never been in a relationship. This is a category I fit into, and I guess I could go a little further and say I fit into the virgin category as well. (Yes, completely. To give you an Idea, Ill just say I've never even held hands with a guy.)
    The intensity of the emotions and hormones I sometimes feel about this fact can become overwhelming sometimes, Im guessing there are quite a few of you who understand?!

    So, fairly recently I went on two dates with a gentleman.
    I was not incredibly attracted to the guy, but his personality more than made up for his physical looks. Im 23, hes 33.
    He is a "larger" man you could say, but not incredibly so. He looks fine.

    The problem is here, is I find myself attracted to the likes of YOU. Yes, the beautifully sculpted and hard-earned bodies, which so gloriously punch me in the eyeballs when I see them. HAHA!

    OKAY, onward!
    So, the first date was, for lack of a better descriptive word...interesting. (Keep in mind, we knew eachother before hand, and he had expressed his interest to a coworker of mine who is a mutual friend. I put it off, as I was being a shallow prick because of his figure.)

    We went out to eat, chatted for a bit, and then he told me about this "cute" guy he sees at a local Starbucks in the Drive Through. He said that he wasnt sure if he was gay, but that the guy had told him he was cute before.
    I thought nothing of it, and figured he was just trying to make conversation.

    This was my first-ever REAL date...and coming away from it that evening, I realized I had all these odd expectations, among them being that I was looking for that "spark" the "chemistry" between us...It wasnt there. I felt like we were just friends, which given my shallow hesitation over his figure, I think I could have handled that just fine, if it werent for the second date!
    (I feel like a douche for not accepting him for his figure, because mine is definately less than perfect, and I find myself trying to change how I see people because of it. Its been a very good lesson, but I continue to find myself questioning people who are of my same body-type! Is that wrong!?)

    Anyway...The second date, I found myself in reverse of where I was mentally.
    I was actually starting to like this guy. The second date was enjoyable, Sushi and a bit of Sake!

    NOW, here comes the recent (as of last monday) update.

    He text me, saying that "Dammit, my local Starbucks boy again, this morning told mehow cute I was...LOL, but I still think he's straight."

    Im sorry, but...did I just get FRIEND-ZONED!?

    The impression I got was, that despite the fact that we have gone on a few dates, he still thinks its fine to keep talking about this other guy?

    Forgive me, that makes me sound like a jealous person...Im not jealous, by any means.

    I wasnt angry, I was confused. I dont undersand?!

    If It were me, I wouldnt be talking about another guy, to the guy that Im that the right way to be looking at this situation?

    Then, he text me saying "He kiddo, hope all is well."
    Thanks...thats nice...but kiddo?
    Am I now his younger pet gay friend? LOL!

    Oye! I really have no clue what to think about this. And given the fact that I have have very LIMITED, or negative expiriences with guys, I just have no clue where to go from here.

    Im sorry for writing a page, I have the compulsive tendency to explain and cover all my bases.
    In any case, thanks for reading, if you have come this far, and I would so appreciate your input and insights into this situation.

    Ciao, mio bello amico!

    And here's this to top it all off:

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    Hey Dormanayevsky, welcome to RJ!

    *rolls up sleeves*

    OK let's see....

    You had a 1st date. (cool!) and on that date he told you about the guy at Starbucks that he was (think about this) obviously interested in by his mentioning it.

    Second date he brings it up again with further developments, confirming his interest in guy at Starbucks.

    I think what happened here is your contemplation of your self and self examining motivations and critique blinded you a little to what I see as obvious.
    This is just fine btw, because your self examination earned my admiration for you. Now here's something worth considering, that he's bringing this up as
    A) an attempt to have you think him desirable by others, in the hopes you'll like him more.
    B) you're right, he's not that interested in you 'that way' and is trying to prevent this going anywhere by displaying interest in another to you.

    Either way, don't make an assumption or come to a conclusion yet. Let this roll along, and simply enjoy the experience of something untried before (dating).
    Low expectations should hopefully make this a little easier.

    Does that help you?


    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    Hi Doug!
    It's a pleasure to meet you, and thank you for the welcome.

    I have to say, this is exaclty why Im glad I joined RJ.

    The level of expirience by the members here, really can help one see things more clearly.

    To be exact, Im referring to your (A) & (B) points, both of which I had not considered.

    Yes, my critiques and hormones have blinded me before, and that would certainly make a reasonable explaination towards this situation, and Its not all that suprising. I get ahead of myself.
    It funny, I thought I was actually being rather objective about the situation, but having an outside perspective is definately enlightening!

    Doug, yes, your reply has helped me.
    I think just letting things "roll along" is a good idea, and that I should just relax.

    I dont mind having a new friend, I dont have many gay friends to speak of anyway. (Im quite conservative, I think. I dont really 'put myself out there.')

    So, Doug, thank you for your input and advice!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2012 7:46 PM GMT
    Welcome first and foremost. You will find people of so many different opinions and experiences on RJ, which in turn should help YOU make decisions since ultimately you are the one who needs to come to your own conclusions in order to actually grow. That being said:

    (You are new-as am I-but you need to know that I speak bluntly, with my heart and a desire to truly help you. I do not sit and write walls of text for my own good, so keep that in mind and try not to take anything that I say to heart-I just find it most effective to not fluff things up or beat around the bush courting formalities)

    You, at 23, are really far behind maturity-wise when dealing with relationships. I would say a good 5 years behind, since we normally start "dating" (and by that I mean the point where we are dating a new guy every 3 weeks, thinking that we are in love with each and every one, only really having sex and building nothing resembling an actual relationship)-not to say that you are doing that, but you should be to be honest. It breaks my heart to see people like you because I feel that you probably still have the whole perfect story book idea of relationships, love, and morality. The issue here is that the world does not work this let, LEAST of all the gay world.

    You are going to have to make mistakes, cheat, be cheated on, argue, be broken up with, and break up with someone all to truly have a complete mold. These are experiences that make (and at the time, break) us who we are with regards to dating. Having a simple idea of right or wrong and thinking that is enough will get you nowhere, it will only result in you getting hurt. The gay dating scene severely punishes naivety.

    First issue, 23 dating a 33 yr old...while Id still suggest against it, I actually implore you to not do that again for the time being. 10 years difference as life goes on becomes a smaller issue-but you have 0 experience-this is a really big issue. Entering into a relationship like this is really not fair, you do not bring to the table many of the experiences that someone 33 would expect in a partner, and it statistically would end with your heartbroken. Yeah yeah age is a number, but experience and maturity are so important when trying to have a long term relationship.

    Second issue, you liked him at the second date, while you may have simply opened up to him and found qualities you did like-I really beg you to ask yourself if it is more out of desperation? You do after all call him larger hinting at the fact that you may have an issue with this. To me, sounds like you are looking for a guy just to have one or to fulfill an internal desire to have a partner-this is also the wrong way to go-and I realize it can be frustrating being single, but patience is key.

    Thirdly, this whole "starbucks boy" could be taken a few ways. A - he could be using it to validate himself, to feel more attractive, and could be an indicator of low self esteem on his part (not something that you want to deal with at your age-insecurity leads to jealousy etc etc). Are you really not going to call bullshit on this guy telling you that this "starbucks boy" called him "cute" as well? B - Maybe he was trying to set up a way out from the start, if he was not feeling it he could simply use him as a way to turn you off and avoid conflict. C - maybe he was using this "starbucks boy" as a tool to make you think that he was a hot commodity on the market and that you better act quickly (again a form of insecurity). In any respect, hes not worth your time. People playing games from day 1 just aren't worth it.

    The reality is that now you seem ready to jump into dating and sexual exploration etc, you gotta know how the world works. You will have failing relationships. They will make you stronger. People will use you, let it make you stronger. It is not always fun, at your age is certainly can be though. You NEED to go out and enjoy yourself. Explore your sexuality, it is VERYVERY important not only for yourself, but your viability in a relationship. Sex is is arguably the backbone of a gay relationship, do not fall further behind by being a 30 yr old virgin. I am not saying go out with your ass up in the air like a cat in heat, but do not be a priest. You are doing yourself a great injustice by not exploring your sexuality and primal self and the longer you wait, the harsher the repercussions. Be safe, be smart, but let your guard down.. even the way that you typed your post showed a sort of self restraint, which is good in some aspects of your life I am sure, but you have to be able to control this barrier or you are only hurting yourself.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    Dormanayevsky said...
    And here's this to top it all off:

    When I'm in a mood to hear how fat I sound, I get depressed cause I'm not fat anymore. icon_sad.gif