So Scared and Dissapointed

  • comical44

    Posts: 780

    Oct 24, 2012 2:17 AM GMT

    ***Please Read*** I need guidance and Advice***please

    I mentor two brothers and Ive been doing it about a year now.

    Im afraid for one of them and I think hes on the verge or either dropping out or possibly getting arrested ect.

    It started around 3 monthes...ironically thats when I was at my closest with him and it took me a long time for me to earn his trust and become close with him.

    At that time he started hanging out with a punk ass drop out and from there on out hes been slowly going down hill.....he pushed all his real/good friends away and stopped doing things he was talented at.

    On top of that he pushed me out of his life to some extent and started being rude and inconsiderate to me very frequently.

    So as of a month ago he has been hanging out with another teenager who has a VERY BAD PAST and has not left this other teens side for the last month/month and a half.

    Hes been drinking every weekend and is back into smoking pot on the regular. The Punk he hangs out with lets him and a lot of other kids to come over every weekend and drink and do drugs at his house and from what I know his mother allows it and even buys the alcohol.

    When school started up he seemed preoccupied and has since missed too many days and has gotten into trouble at school such as swearing at teachers,walking out of school and not doing tons of his homework.

    2 weeks ago We had a long overdue Heart to Heart on his bad decisions, school, his hobbies but most of all HOW HES BEEN TREATING me. he said he would change his life around and change the way he treats me.

    He blew me off 3 tmes within the last week to hang out with that PUNK an basically went against everything he said he wouldnt do after our long conversation.

    What scares me is that thi punk ass kid hes hanging out with Just dropped out as well As the Punks brother....And I have a gut feeling they are going to persuade him to drop out or even influence him.

    I feel like hes slipping away from Me, His family to some extent and his realt friends...I dont know what to do?? but without sounding cheesey my heart is killing me right now because I cant watch/let this happen.
  • comical44

    Posts: 780

    Oct 24, 2012 2:37 AM GMT
    Please guys Im really having a hard time right now with this and I could really use some advice....
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    well being as I have been in a similar situation part of this is he is going to have to sit back and really think about it. You have to face the fact that if he doesn't want help then he personally will not seek it and it's sad but very true.

    He is going to need to actively pursue and show he is trying to get better. It's going to be a long hard road and I think that thought might even scare him the most you can do is to try and gently but firmly persuade him right now if he is hanging around some punk ass kids and listening to what they tell him then he might not end up in a place he wants to be or in situations that will be beneficial to him. This seems like a delicate situation and like I said from personal experience things like this can be hard to handle you don't want to be too rough but at the same time a firm hand is necessary in order to kind of nudge him back into place.

    The harsher lessons in life come after we lose something. I would say be strong and firm but not too much so to drive him away it seems like you sincerely care for him so you need to be careful. I am not any sort of licensed professional but you can only do so much in my opinion for someone that doesn't want to do better for themselves. I really hope the situation works out well.
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    Oct 24, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    What need of his gets filled by the friendship with the punk? Find that and how to fill that need otherwise and you should be a large step further.

    Btw. Project-Runway-ism: you can't make him succeed more than he wants himself.
  • comical44

    Posts: 780

    Oct 24, 2012 3:07 AM GMT
    Well him and his family are going through a rough time and I think he is rebelling and self medicating...This kid he hangs out has had a rough past and does want he wants because his mother allows it. Hes talks to people how he wants and does what he wants (drinking drugs) and she allows it. So maybe the teen I mentor is running away from all the people who mean the most to him because he knows their right and doesnt want to face it. Hes digging himself into a deep hole.

    The kid he hangs out with thinks he has so much "swag" he raps and smokes blunts and has sex with tons of girls and then ditched them. It bothers me that this is the kind of kid he wants to follow when he has SO MANY kind and caring friends and family that are here to help and that hes pushed away.

    I look at this teen like my own family and im emotionally attached and very protective. I dont want him or his brother to have to live the life that his parents have lived because they have lived a rough life of struggle.

    I dont know what to do but I have to intervene somehow because it seems like his parnts ARE NOT doing ENOUGH and he has no other family in the area.

    I cant watch him make a life changing decision like that and not do anything!!!!
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    Oct 24, 2012 1:19 PM GMT
    Just continue to be the strong, caring, stable friend he needs. Let him know that you do not agree with his choices and that you are only wanting a better, brighter future for him. In the end, it's his decision on how he's going to mature.
  • comical44

    Posts: 780

    Oct 24, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    Its weird because at the moment we arnt on speaking terms( as of sunday) because he bailed 3 times on plans we made to do his hw after he said he would neve do that again.

    Its one of those things where I need to show him hw I expect to be treat and that his behavior is right towards me but I cant just shut off a switch that shows how I care about him and want whats best.

    Hes really just trying to be a clone of this asshole kid and thats what bothers me because he has all the potential and qualities to be a leader and have people follow him
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    Oct 25, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    if there has been a drastic change in his behaviour, i would venture to say that something has happened in his life to negatively impact him this way. Usually sudden changes in lifestyle, attitudes towards friends, peers, etc, reflect a situation that has occurred. You may or may not be able to discover what it is but if it continues i would seek some professional advice. I can only surmise of some of the circumstances which may have led to this, but i'm not gonna start playing games. If you have the guardianship authority to do so, contact his school, do some checking around to see if anything has happened to account for the change.
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    Oct 25, 2012 12:11 AM GMT
    beat his ass..and tell him to straighten up..unless he wants to end up in jail or you have any friends who have gone down the drug path that have gotten their shit together? if so have him talk to them...also you gotta convince him that hanging out with those douches are no good..because the company you keep affects your behavior too..its hard not to do drugs when your friends are druggies..also you can only do so much sometimes you gotta let people live their life and figure shit out on their own..just let him know you're there for him when he wants to straighten up but if he wants to be a punk then go somewhere don't wanna be a enabler to behavior you don't agree with.

    Good luck
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    Oct 25, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    They both have gods, and that god is not you. Sorry, but it has nothing to do with you.

    Just because you're being treated badly doesn't make you special; they would and are most likely treating everyone badly. So don't make it about you.

    The only thing you can do is love yourself before you attempt to love someone else. If you want to change someone, be that change in yourself first. Control is not love.
  • comical44

    Posts: 780

    Oct 25, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    Im actually meeting with the captain of a jail in my area tomorrow (the brothers dont know) and then from them Im going to bring them to the jail to meet the captain and one of the inmates whos doing time for somethig. Im really hoping it will wakethe one brother up.

    I just dont want anything to happen, I understand teirs only so much I can do and obviously teenagers have to make their own mistakes but some of the ones hes making can really have a long lasting impact on his life whether that be failng or getting into a bad siutation where he gets arrested or killed...I love these 2 way toomuch to atleast not try
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Oct 25, 2012 12:22 AM GMT
    folks have a tendency to learn life's lesson's in their own sweet time and in different ways. Life typically repeats lessons until learned.

    I've been in this situation so many times where a lesson in life that comes easy to me is so difficult for someone else (and vice versa). I have learned to be patient, present, and let the person dictate what they need.

    If you are an "assertive" person rather than a "passive" person, patience/presence/and supportive will be life's lesson to you. I've learned to meet people where they are at, let them fumble, and be there for whatever support they wish from me (and available for, of course).

    More assertive actions always resemble "meddling" and often times build a wall or dig a trench further between.

    Good luck, this was not an easy lesson to learn for me. But remember, if you dont' learn it now, it will be repeated for you later.

    - David icon_wink.gif

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    Oct 25, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    Wow comical44, you've got it bad right now.

    I want to start by saying that he may be under 18, but it is still his decision. You cannot force him. It has to be his decision and his alone. If you pressure him, he'll just lie to your face, or worst push you away more.

    I'm not sure what you can do. My only suggestion would be to look for an organization for ex drug users, or high school drop outs, and see if you can get someone that can talk to him. You can also try an intervention with friends and family, but I don't know how or if those work.

    I'm not sure if you can involve social services or something like that to try to moniter his activities. It may work, but it may also put him into an even worst mental state.

    But honestly, the part that concerns me is that it doesn't seem to me that he cares about your opinion anymore. I don't know how you can repair or strengthen the bond between you two, but if you did that, I think he would at least listen to you more.

    I wish you the best of luck. Sorry I couldn't help more.
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    Oct 25, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    Shitty position youre in. The truth is that youre likely wasting your effort. If you cant remove the kid from the environment hes in, you likely will not be able to have any lasting effects. The heartless side of me recommends conserving your effort for someone who will actually benefit. The other side of me recognizes how difficult it is to give up on someone you care about. If youre going to stay and help Maybe you should show him the positive things he COULD have in his life. Show him the college experience. Show him that he still can have it all. Fear isnt the only motivator. If hes already having a lot of family issues he may intentionally be placing himself in these destructive situations. If thats the case "scared straight" isnt going to do anything. Good luck