Seeking Advice Again.. Distance?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2012 11:51 PM GMT
    I posted here back in September, seeking advice concerning a guy that I had stupidly let go, a decision which I deeply regretted. I'll try to keep this post shorter than my last topic, which became a novel. Also side note.. this guy and i have had a very odd timeline, and actually haven't spent allll that much time together in the past, however the connection was incredibly, undeniably strong.

    I am a 4th yr undergrad in Kingston, he's a grad student in Ottawa.

    I went to see him in september, in the city where he lives (two hrs away from me) and told him how i felt about him, didn't hold anything back. he said that he feels the same (very into me) but doesn't know how to make it work since we're in different cities and "different places in our lives" (me being 21 and him 26). We resolved to try and find time to get together and get to know each-other better blah blah blah - it seemed as positive as it could be. we also spent a lovely night together after this..

    So over the past two months, i've been trying really hard for us to find times to see each other - numerous times i've invited him down or let him know that i had a good weekend to come visit if that'd work. Nothing ever worked out. there were ignored texts, calls, messages. So i figured i got what was going on. I sent him this big email, explaining how i understood that he was busy with school (becoming a lawyer) and life etc, but that I did feel quite ignored/forgotten, and that for me - i interpret that as him no longer being interested. I asked him to just please be up front about that if it is the case, so that I can move on.

    He replied telling me that he didn't realize it was making me feel this way, he felt quite bad, and recognized that he'd been a bit of a dick. He went through all of these reasons why he thinks i'm amazing etc etc... and concluded by saying that he thinks if the "stars aligned" he thinks we would make a "deadly combo"... but that he just doesn't know what to do because of the distance and times in our lives.

    We've spoken on the phone many times since then, about this topic... he does seem quite sincere about what he said, although at first I just suspected he was trying to let me down easy. He said that the subconscious reason he's avoided us getting together the past two months is that he's afraid of us getting too attached to each other, and then things not working out cause of the distance.

    Sorry this is once again becoming a novel....

    In one conversation we got into the topic of "what if we were in the same city" and he said it'd be a totally different story, that we'd probably be together, and i brought up the possibility of moving to his city - (...pleaaase don't lecture me on the idea of building ones life around the place of anothers.. heh), this seemed to make him reflect on things more, even though initially the idea seemed crazy and unwise to him.

    So he's coming to my town for his graduation this week. He's staying in town at least one night, I told him he could stay with me... still haven't heard what his plans are in that department.

    The other day we were texting and i half-jokingly suggested he stay an extra day/night, he said it was an option.. a.. 'flirty' conversation followed.. where he wanted arguments as to why he should stay, i was texting him photos of little doodles illustrating my arguments. and one of them was 2 spoons.. (we used to have a spooning joke together.. he the big spoon, i the small..) - I wasn't sure how he'd react to this, he just said - well played

    soo.. right now i don't even know if he's staying with me next week or not. i'm wondering if i'm just letting myself be played here? anyone have thoughts? of course i've got the ever-looming thought that he's seeing someone else or something.. who knows.

    any comments/suggestions/words of wisdom would be appreciated, you guys were an amazing help last time!

    thank you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    You have to be real honest with yourself. If you were a priority to him, things wouldn't be the way the are. That's likely not how you want it to be, but, the way it is.

    It sounds like he doesn't want you to feel bad, and has been trying to let you down easily, but...has been consistent in his message.

    You need to come to terms to with that unstated message he's sending you, which is easier said than done, likely reality.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 2575

    Nov 17, 2012 10:09 AM GMT
    He's graduating? That means he must be looking (or found) a place to do his internship (if they still do that in Ontario) and or job. He could be planning to move just about anywhere - do you know where? What if he moved to Toronto? To BC? Unlikely, but possible - that would be a very long distance relationship. Ask him what his plans are. Post graduation could be a very unsettled future. IF you two were in a relationship, and he moved to another city, would you/ could you follow him?

    An age difference of 5 years is nothing. Maybe he wants to be "free," - not in a relationship, and does not want to tell you.

    He is coming to your town? To stay with his mother (if not you)? After graduation, he should have more time, unless he has to study for some sort of exam. So, if he is not eager to see you then . . .

    If he has been ignoring you, well, that is not a good sign. Maybe, although he likes you, you are just not that important to him.

    Maybe if he stays with you , you will have one great last weekend.

    Sounds like thing will clear themselves up after he does or does not see you when he is in your town.

    Good Luck; and if it does not work out with this guy, it was not meant to be, but there are plenty of other guys out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2012 10:18 AM GMT
    As difficult as it is, I'd recommend just flat out asking the difficult questions that you've mentioned. Make sure that you're prepared for the answer, but when you have that conversation, you'll be able to work on the actual relationship instead of putting more energy into figuring out and decoding the messages.

    With that being said, I think that if he wasn't interested, he wouldn't be flirting back as much as it sounds. I'm hesitant about the long term though. The lack of commitment makes the flirting easier...

    Best of luck. Keep us posted.