The "Letting go".....

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    Nov 22, 2012 12:36 AM GMT
    Here it is, my first Major holiday after the passing of my Dad.....almost 2 months ago now.... and I am still in shock and at a loss. My therapist says I am very "normal" and will need to get a grip on this "new normal" without my dad. I find is very strange and almost surreal, in that I have to stop myself in the middle of dialing the phone to remember....he's gone. Also find it hard, when I am on my phone listening to messages, that I have a message from my dad.....singing (VERY BADLY!) Happy Birthday to me back in July....and he was dead 2 months later, to the day. If anyone knows how I can retrieve and save the message as a wave or mp3 from my phone....would be appreciated!

    I guess the letting go of my dad has given me reason to pause about my 3 sons and how they interact with their mom......she is a constant source of friction for all of us, but they want to include her. I catch hell from them when I say NO, and I get to be the middleman and shield them from her bad choices and irresponsibility. I am done with her and half expect that she tries to manipulate all of us for her own warped reasons. She is sick and is in and out of a psych ward and who know about compliance with her meds..... but she is their mom and I can't change that.

    In letting go, I am washing my hands of being the middleman, bumper and shield. She is not welcome by me at all and will not be in the future..and I have made that totally clear to everyone. But I still know she will manipulate the boys and play her guilt trip and poverty mind games on them....I have told them and they have seen it in the past, but this is all their choice to drive to see her and have the holiday with her....and I worry about the aftermath. I feel almost guilty for letting them KNOWINGLY go into a no-win situation with their sick mom......Letting go of my adult sons to deal directly with their sick mom.....I Know that Sean, my oldest at 27, is a hard-ass and won't hold any punches....and not real diplomatic.....Tim, the youngest at 17 was never real attached to her and won't care either way, but Ted, my middle son at 21, is most attached, has the kindest heart and the most forgiving....I fear for his imminent disappointment and subsequent expected attempt to help her....she will take his money and lie to him.....I hate that I need to let him experience this first hand to make it real in his mind......Letting go is so hard as a child and a parent.....You never feel ready and their are no classes it is all "school of hard knocks"....Happy Holidays!.....this will only hurt a little bit.
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    Nov 22, 2012 2:02 AM GMT
    You need a better therapist. If you're still having this much disfunctionality after that much time, you have some issues.
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    Nov 22, 2012 2:06 AM GMT
    Hey bud! I am so sorry u going thru this. I we.t to a funeral of a friend this week. I know he is in a much better place. Thoughts and prayers are for you but it will take time to fell the pain a little less. I am still on here if you need someone to talk to. Take care. Val
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    Nov 22, 2012 3:08 AM GMT
    If you do it right it's gonna hurt a lot. Emotional pain is by far the worst, because there's no definitive beginning or definitive end. Underneath all the pain is fear.

    Accepting powerlessness is not easy. It opens up the question of if I'm not in charge then who is? The more you try to be in charge the more your children will rebel. Sometimes the best we can do is 'do by not doing'. That simple act lets us revel in the joy of time. Time is the only gift we can ever get. I think death brings that out more than anything else.

    The more time that passes you may not get answers, but the questions will go away.

    EDIT: If you do it right, it's gonna hurt a lot, but it will be beautiful.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Nov 22, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    Clearly there is a great deal on your mind. I can't imagine what your going through, but with some of the things with which you are attempting to "let go" time is going to be a major part of the equation...

    I can only say that during those moments in my life where I have lost a loved one...I don't think I have every gotten over the loss...I think about those folks often (at first) and from time to time (later)...the loss becomes easier to incorporate in my day to day...I still ask for their help and guidance...even if it is my reminder that some things are out of my control...

    I also recognize in my story that during the greatest times of loss, (from death to disappointment), I tend to become reflective and recalibrate my character and compass to ensure I am acting in a way I believe I should and am moving in a direction that seems true to myself...

    Good luck with your journey...hold on to the professional help to assist and support you...and give each struggle its due attention and time...

    - David icon_wink.gif

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    Nov 22, 2012 12:30 PM GMT
    Sporty - so sorry for your loss, man. Sounds like a really tough road right now - I do hope over time things brighten in your world.

    Here's to better times for you and your family.
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    Nov 22, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    I think you're doing fine as your get thru the process of grief. It's only been a few months. Of course you're going to miss your dad! Get thru it one day at a time and keep seeing your therapist. Allow, and accept, yourself as being 'normal'. No one heals overnight.

    As for the situation with your son's mother--that's a tough one. But continue to be diplomatic for your sons sake. It's their choice to have or not have a relationship with her. It's their right. Nothing you can do but to tolerate their choices.