I discovered my boyfriend's REAL age accidentally. He's 10 years older than what he had told me.

  • FRE0

    Posts: 4999

    Dec 18, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    When I was 20, I thought that I had a relationship with a man who said he was 28. It turned out that he was 34. His age would not have been a problem for me, but his lying was a problem. That wasn't the only thing he lied about either.

    I'm 74 and have never attempted to lie about my age. If a person will lie about his age, it is questionable whether he can be trusted about anything else.
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:22 AM GMT
    sportsguysd7 saidHad a similar thing happen to me with an ex, but only 3 years, not 10. As with you, the age was not the issue, but the lying. He was actually carrying on the charade with his whole group of friends and had a whole story to explain certain things that didn't make sense as he had things like his college diploma hanging up.

    In the end we got through it and were together 9 years. But in some ways it was a marker of issues being completely honest and open that led to problems down the road.


    True that. When you start lying about your age, at some point you have to change the details when you talk about your past and the timeline of everything. You're bound to mess up the details over time, and people can pick up on the inconsistency.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4999

    Dec 18, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    nicodegallo said
    sportsguysd7 saidHad a similar thing happen to me with an ex, but only 3 years, not 10. As with you, the age was not the issue, but the lying. He was actually carrying on the charade with his whole group of friends and had a whole story to explain certain things that didn't make sense as he had things like his college diploma hanging up.

    In the end we got through it and were together 9 years. But in some ways it was a marker of issues being completely honest and open that led to problems down the road.


    True that. When you start lying about your age, at some point you have to change the details when you talk about your past and the timeline of everything. You're bound to mess up the details over time, and people can pick up on the inconsistency.


    Quite so. That's why I don't pretend that I don't remember the First World War.
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    har19 saidNEXT! --->icon_razz.gif

    Be open! I don't see it in you case as what you claim.

    icon_wink.gif


    True. I didn't mind at all when he's 10 years older but suddenly I discovered it's actually 20 years more. I guess I also need to figure it out what I want. The new information really shocked me and to be honest I'm quite intimidated. It's suddenly very new to me to experience.

    I will talk to him when the time is appropriate and see how do we go from there.


    no worries probably he's a little shy, men and some men, there are many who are just being tough to themselves it happens, anyway icon_wink.gif Good luck.
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    Let him off the hook with a warning. "I love you, your age doesn't matter to me, but I found out you're a lot older than you originally told me. I don't want to discuss it, but don't lie to me again."
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:50 AM GMT
    i hate to say this, but I can't help but feel it can't healthy for someone to keep up a lie this long, and this big, without confessing. All the little details he had to fill in, all the times he had to watch his tongue when talking or let his real age slip. Yet he managed it : I don't know. Confront him and see his reaction? If he makes any attempt to cover his lie up, i'd leave him
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:55 AM GMT
    Trust is the best platform for a relationship. If he doesn't ask you why you might tell anyway that isn't that he is older; rather you are leaving the relationship because he lied about it.

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    Dec 18, 2012 6:58 AM GMT
    what else could he be lying to you about I wonder.
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    Dec 18, 2012 7:05 AM GMT
    This is just my opinion....

    Here's the problem now. There is a big elephant in the room every time you are together.

    He's lied to you. It bothers you. He asks if everything's alright. You say - "I'm fine." Now one lie has become two lies, which will soon become four lies, which becomes 8...

    Is this life you want for yourself? Is this the foundation of a solid LTR?

    If you can answer yes, then you will be fine. If your answer is no, you need to clear the air and see what happens from there.

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    Dec 18, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    I agree with the poster above. All that lies does piles up. I would confront him if I was you... just to clear the air. But someone who can lie like that can easily lie about anything else.
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    Dec 18, 2012 7:17 AM GMT
    DUMP HIS ASS! AND YOU NEED GLASSES OR YOUR CATARACTS REMOVED, LOL!
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    Dec 18, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    He didn't even trust you to know his real age? And you've been together how long? I'd dump this guy cause who knows what else he is hiding and lying to about.
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    Dec 18, 2012 7:26 AM GMT
    Typical older gay man insecurities some have. Break up with the pansy ASAP.
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    Dec 18, 2012 7:43 AM GMT
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?



    If he can lie to you about his age what else is he lying about? Once a thief always a thief. KL has many other stunning beauties who can fit the bill. So NEXT!
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    Dec 18, 2012 7:43 AM GMT
    Apex0111 said
    Hunkymonkey saidThis is important. You need to talk to him about this. I did not say confront. Talk. Confrontation will not be helpful.


    This^

    The fact he is 10 or 20 years older isn't a huge deal. The "little white lie" he told is a different issue. Gotta weed out if he's been withholding any other information It worries me that after a year he hasn't come clean. Have a TALK with him.


    I think him being old enough to be his father is a big deal.

    For all he knows there could be a boy on the side....you never know with liars
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:03 AM GMT
    fable saidyeah something so unimportant as age and he couldnt trust you? what else is he lying to you about.

    confront him


    Agreed completely... my initial reaction to this was "damn, what else is he hiding?"

    Age seems to be pretty trivial, especially if you have been together for that long. Either this guy has a lot of issues surrounding insecurity regarding his age, or is extremely manipulative.
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:05 AM GMT
    zeffery said
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?



    If he can lie to you about his age what else is he lying about? Once a thief always a thief. KL has many other stunning beauties who can fit the bill. So NEXT!


    Seriously? I have been searching high and low. No signs of the rare "stunning beauties".
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 2573

    Dec 18, 2012 8:33 AM GMT
    I would say you have some good advice from Mickeytopogio and Erik. If you two love each other, and you hadn't been bothered by the age discrepancy before, and you like older men,why let it destroy the relationship you have? I get the impression from the bit about passports, that you live together - so is he more than a boyfriend? If you are living together, you would probably sense if he were lying about other things. My guess is he gave you an age when you first met - right? When neither of you knew that you would end up together. Gets a bit sticky for him to come clean later. I have heard of this happening to other guys before, and the world did not end for them when the true state of affairs became known. I would bring up the issue, and just ask if there is anything else he did not tell you. Yes it's a secret he has kept from you - but have you really been hurt by it? He is the same man you have been with. You just didn't know his age. He hasn't changed any. My current partner is much younger than I am. I know of two relationships that have a 30 year age difference. Whatever floats your boat.
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:42 AM GMT
    As someone who has been in exactly the same situation (found out my partner was 10 years older by seeing his passport), however it was only 1 month into the relationship.

    Firstly don't be quick to just dump him like some people are saying, you should "know" your partner by now. Does he have a good heart? Is there something behind why he was keeping it a secret.

    Many gay men lie about their age on their online profiles. It's very common especially among 'older' gays to shed off a few years, it's that stigma associated with ageism in the gay community. And then when you meet them and they you realise wow this isn't just a one night stand, they perhaps never can think of the right time to say hey I actually lied about my age in my profile!

    Secondly, do confront him about it, in a nice way. I confronted my partner and we had a deep and meaningful. There were a few things he was hiding from me, nothing too major (that he had failed a university masters). He was ashamed about this and this is why he didn't tell me. That along with his age, and I guess the few years he felt he had 'wasted' and not getting anywhere.

    Regardless of the point - still I think everyone deserves second chances. We are not perfect and we also need to learn from our mistakes. Being a certain age can be a big insecurity for some, so whilst I did acknowledge that I was disappointed he didn't tell me earlier - I also was understanding. We are really good now.

    Hope that helps. icon_smile.gif

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    Dec 18, 2012 8:50 AM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    har19 saidNEXT! --->icon_razz.gif

    Be open! I don't see it in you case as what you claim.

    icon_wink.gif


    True. I didn't mind at all when he's 10 years older but suddenly I discovered it's actually 20 years more. I guess I also need to figure it out what I want. The new information really shocked me and to be honest I'm quite intimidated. It's suddenly very new to me to experience.

    I will talk to him when the time is appropriate and see how do we go from there.
    This is really what it comes down to. From this post, I'm assuming that he at least implicitly understood that a 20 year gap could be a deal breaker for you?
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:50 AM GMT
    SpikeyAidan saidAs someone who has been in exactly the same situation (found out my partner was 10 years older by seeing his passport), however it was only 1 month into the relationship.

    Firstly don't be quick to just dump him like some people are saying, you should "know" your partner by now. Does he have a good heart? Is there something behind why he was keeping it a secret.

    Many gay men lie about their age on their online profiles. It's very common especially among 'older' gays to shed off a few years, it's that stigma associated with ageism in the gay community. And then when you meet them and they you realise wow this isn't just a one night stand, they perhaps never can think of the right time to say hey I actually lied about my age in my profile!

    Secondly, do confront him about it, in a nice way. I confronted my partner and we had a deep and meaningful. There were a few things he was hiding from me, nothing too major (that he had failed a university masters). He was ashamed about this and this is why he didn't tell me. That along with his age, and I guess the few years he felt he had 'wasted' and not getting anywhere.

    Regardless of the point - still I think everyone deserves second chances. We are not perfect and we also need to learn from our mistakes. Being a certain age can be a big insecurity for some, so whilst I did acknowledge that I was disappointed he didn't tell me earlier - I also was understanding. We are really good now.

    Hope that helps. icon_smile.gif



    Finally! A person who had been in the same shoes as me. Your advice is excellent.

    We have been together for very long time so I know how much he loves me. I believe insecurity of his age in dating young guys led him to lie. I'll definitely talk to him.
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:53 AM GMT
    Tenebrism said
    Angelix90 said
    har19 saidNEXT! --->icon_razz.gif

    Be open! I don't see it in you case as what you claim.

    icon_wink.gif


    True. I didn't mind at all when he's 10 years older but suddenly I discovered it's actually 20 years more. I guess I also need to figure it out what I want. The new information really shocked me and to be honest I'm quite intimidated. It's suddenly very new to me to experience.

    I will talk to him when the time is appropriate and see how do we go from there.
    This is really what it comes down to. From this post, I'm assuming that he at least implicitly understood that a 20 year gap could be a deal breaker for you?


    It's not exactly a deal breaker but if he told me he was 20 years older than me during the first date, I definitely would have some trepidation in continuing. I think anyone would.
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:57 AM GMT
    ^^Did you verbalize this at some point, or do you think he was aware of this trepidation?
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    Dec 18, 2012 9:00 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidHe kept the truth from you for over a year. And they only reason you discovered the truth was because you saw his passport. It's not like he came clean on his own regarding the matter.
    That's unacceptable for me.


    I agree with this.
    If age is so trivial, the fact that he lied about it for so long just makes me wonder what else he's capable and comfortable to lie about.
    Not to be negative but that I would say this is a huge red flag.
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    Dec 18, 2012 9:14 AM GMT
    So do you love him or his age number?