I discovered my boyfriend's REAL age accidentally. He's 10 years older than what he had told me.

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    Dec 18, 2012 9:14 AM GMT
    Tenebrism said^^Did you verbalize this at some point, or do you think he was aware of this trepidation?


    For knowing him that long, I realised he has an issue with age. He has always been very vocal about slowing the ageing process. He goes to the gym 5 days a week, extra careful with his diet, tend to go for extreme sports usually attempted by youngsters and he never wears anything that shows his true age. I always assume he wants to maintains his youthful appearance.

    He told me before that he likes young guys especially in their 20s. Most of the relationships were not successful because he was deemed too old (30s, meaning 10 years apart). I told him I was okay with him in his 30s. I didn't know he was much older.
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    Dec 18, 2012 9:15 AM GMT
    BodrumBoy saidSo do you love him or his age number?


    I love him but I'm sad and hurt that he lied.
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    Dec 18, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    Tenebrism said^^Did you verbalize this at some point, or do you think he was aware of this trepidation?


    For knowing him that long, I realised he has an issue with age. He has always been very vocal about slowing the ageing process. He goes to the gym 5 days a week, extra careful with his diet, tend to go for extreme sports usually attempted by youngsters and he never wears anything that shows his true age. I always assume he wants to maintains his youthful appearance.

    He told me before that he likes young guys especially in their 20s. Most of the relationships were not successful because he was deemed too old (30s, meaning 10 years apart). I told him I was okay with him in his 30s. I didn't know he was much older.
    I hate to hear that, man. Good luck with your conversation.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 18, 2012 9:38 AM GMT
    You asked if anyone had personal experience, Angelix90. Yes, I dated someone thirty years older than I am. Like your boyfriend, mine was very fit and looked much younger. However, mine didn't lie about how old he was. I didn't ask, because I don't really give a shit about how old someone is in years (and he didn't look like a minor). But he offered the information like an honest person seeking an LTR does and I accepted it.
    We dated exclusively for just over a year. In the end, the age gap did make a difference. It wasn't in terms of health or looks or his much better income. It was because I was still discovering who I was and he'd "already done it all". I wanted someone I could see things and places with for the first time, whereas he wanted to show me all the things and places he loved. He already knew that he liked Mexican food and didn't like Chinese food, that he liked Eastern Europe but didn't like Southeast Asia, that he liked plays but didn't like musicals, that he liked this kind of sex but not that kind, etc. We tried to work things out and he was able to expose me to a great many things I would have had a hard time experiencing without him, but at that stage of my life I suffered under the inequality, my perceived inability to offer him anything equal to what he offered me.
    Saw him again a couple of years ago, more than 20 years since we broke up. He's in his 70s now; I'm in my 40s. His condo is still immaculately decorated. He has a boyfriend my age or slightly older. It was funny to imagine that could have been my life, but no regrets. I have a husband of 17 years now (one who's only 3 years older than me), so it's not like I 'lost out'.
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    Dec 18, 2012 10:02 AM GMT
    drypin saidYou asked if anyone had personal experience, Angelix90. Yes, I dated someone thirty years older than I am. Like your boyfriend, mine was very fit and looked much younger. However, mine didn't lie about how old he was. I didn't ask, because I don't really give a shit about how old someone is in years (and he didn't look like a minor). But he offered the information like an honest person seeking an LTR does and I accepted it.
    We dated exclusively for just over a year. In the end, the age gap did make a difference. It wasn't in terms of health or looks or his much better income. It was because I was still discovering who I was and he'd "already done it all". I wanted someone I could see things and places with for the first time, whereas he wanted to show me all the things and places he loved. He already knew that he liked Mexican food and didn't like Chinese food, that he liked Eastern Europe but didn't like Southeast Asia, that he liked plays but didn't like musicals, that he liked this kind of sex but not that kind, etc. We tried to work things out and he was able to expose me to a great many things I would have had a hard time experiencing without him, but at that stage of my life I suffered under the inequality, my perceived inability to offer him anything equal to what he offered me.
    Saw him again a couple of years ago, more than 20 years since we broke up. He's in his 70s now; I'm in my 40s. His condo is still immaculately decorated. He has a boyfriend my age or slightly older. It was funny to imagine that could have been my life, but no regrets. I have a husband of 17 years now (one who's only 3 years older than me), so it's not like I 'lost out'.


    Thanks for the great input. It really shows a different perspective.

    Similar to your case, sometimes there is a discrepancy between our views and I come to a realisation that I rely on him too much. I get irritated whenever he said "it's for my own good" during heated arguments on things that he disagreed of. He knows exactly what would happened and frustrating enough, he was right. He really been through a lot and know so much more on life experience than I do. I don't know it's good or bad that I think of him both as a mentor and a boyfriend. It's not exactly a bad thing but somehow he took away my freedom of discovery.

    It's not all bad because I'm much more mature than the peers my age and I have chance to experience things I wouldn't have if it's not because of him. He taught me how to start up a business, invest, manage people and so much more. Plus, the sex is amazing. Mature men really have tricks in their sleeves.
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    Dec 18, 2012 10:22 AM GMT
    drypin saidYou asked if anyone had personal experience, Angelix90. Yes, I dated someone thirty years older than I am. Like your boyfriend, mine was very fit and looked much younger. However, mine didn't lie about how old he was. I didn't ask, because I don't really give a shit about how old someone is in years (and he didn't look like a minor). But he offered the information like an honest person seeking an LTR does and I accepted it.
    We dated exclusively for just over a year. In the end, the age gap did make a difference. It wasn't in terms of health or looks or his much better income. It was because I was still discovering who I was and he'd "already done it all". I wanted someone I could see things and places with for the first time, whereas he wanted to show me all the things and places he loved. He already knew that he liked Mexican food and didn't like Chinese food, that he liked Eastern Europe but didn't like Southeast Asia, that he liked plays but didn't like musicals, that he liked this kind of sex but not that kind, etc. We tried to work things out and he was able to expose me to a great many things I would have had a hard time experiencing without him, but at that stage of my life I suffered under the inequality, my perceived inability to offer him anything equal to what he offered me.
    Saw him again a couple of years ago, more than 20 years since we broke up. He's in his 70s now; I'm in my 40s. His condo is still immaculately decorated. He has a boyfriend my age or slightly older. It was funny to imagine that could have been my life, but no regrets. I have a husband of 17 years now (one who's only 3 years older than me), so it's not like I 'lost out'.


    Yours is an insightful and thoughtful reply. Thanks for posting.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 18, 2012 10:54 AM GMT
    Oh, Angelix... I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. Both the pros and the cons! :-)
    And thank you Credo. I don't know how much my own experience can help someone else make a better informed decision about their own life, but if it can, it's definitely worth sharing.
  • Buddha

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    Dec 18, 2012 11:01 AM GMT
    I have no idea why, but I was really captured by your story drypin. You should be a writer icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 18, 2012 11:13 AM GMT

    STOP THE PRESS!

    A gay partner lying about his age to a much younger partner.

    What are the odds?

    Glad to see you're not bothered about his real age OP just like he isn't that bothered about lying to you about who is really is..

    You seem more trusting than me which could go either way.

    Good luck OP!
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    Dec 18, 2012 11:17 AM GMT
    SpikeyAidan saidAs someone who has been in exactly the same situation (found out my partner was 10 years older by seeing his passport), however it was only 1 month into the relationship.

    Firstly don't be quick to just dump him like some people are saying, you should "know" your partner by now. Does he have a good heart? Is there something behind why he was keeping it a secret.

    Many gay men lie about their age on their online profiles. It's very common especially among 'older' gays to shed off a few years, it's that stigma associated with ageism in the gay community. And then when you meet them and they you realise wow this isn't just a one night stand, they perhaps never can think of the right time to say hey I actually lied about my age in my profile!

    Secondly, do confront him about it, in a nice way. I confronted my partner and we had a deep and meaningful. There were a few things he was hiding from me, nothing too major (that he had failed a university masters). He was ashamed about this and this is why he didn't tell me. That along with his age, and I guess the few years he felt he had 'wasted' and not getting anywhere.

    Regardless of the point - still I think everyone deserves second chances. We are not perfect and we also need to learn from our mistakes. Being a certain age can be a big insecurity for some, so whilst I did acknowledge that I was disappointed he didn't tell me earlier - I also was understanding. We are really good now.

    Hope that helps. icon_smile.gif



    THIS is sound advice.

    In addition, I would suggest going to a therapist AND a couples counselor.
    The therapist would be to help you to unwind your own feelings on the situation.
    The couples counselor would be to help unwind the breach of trust in the relationship.

    If he is willing, ideally he should go to a therapist as well to address the underlying cause of his breach of trust with you.

    Again, if you love this man and he really loves you, don't be quick to break off the relationship. There is no such thing as "Mr. Right" in life. And, you may be as close to "Mr. Right" with the guy you have now.

    At the very least, you will learn more about yourself and more about relationships if you decide to either move forward or move on.

    Good luck! Keep us posted!
    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16518

    Dec 18, 2012 11:38 AM GMT
    I think you need to have a serious conversation as to why the deception.
    Is it limited to his age or are there other things he might not have been
    totally honest with you.

    I'd not kick him under the bus (so to speak), some people are weird about age, but he needs to be clear as to why he lied. I think its clear... he figured with a 20 year age gap, you wouldn't be interested in him. I think you need to address that head on.
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    Dec 18, 2012 11:56 AM GMT
    Communicate with him your discovery. Talk it out then accept it. If you love him for who he is and not what you think he should be nothing else should matter. Dont make more of an issue than can be resolved in seconds. No matter his answer you are just a hug and kiss away of maintaining closeness. Bottom line he might just need your understanding. Everyone including loves have faults. Continue to enjoy him.
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    Dec 18, 2012 12:51 PM GMT
    You need to talk with him about it.
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    Dec 18, 2012 12:51 PM GMT
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?


    I'm sure someone's already said this. But I'll say it again.

    If he LIED to you about his age, there's no telling what else he IS LYING to you about.

    Be careful!
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    Dec 18, 2012 12:55 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidLet him off the hook with a warning. "I love you, your age doesn't matter to me, but I found out you're a lot older than you originally told me. I don't want to discuss it, but don't lie to me again."


    Wise approach.

    But my dear MickeyT, what if his boyfriend is lying about other stuff?
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    Dec 18, 2012 1:02 PM GMT
    Angelix90, you write:

    ". I get irritated whenever he said "it's for my own good" during heated arguments on things that he disagreed of. He knows exactly what would happened and frustrating enough, he was right. He really been through a lot and know so much more on life experience than I do. I don't know it's good or bad that I think of him both as a mentor and a boyfriend. It's not exactly a bad thing but somehow he took away my freedom of discovery. "

    I'm sure that he has learned much that he can share with you.

    But you must now realize that he has a serious deficit in his personal wisdom.

    If he can't accept his real age, you might wonder what other aspects of his life is he refusing to accept. DENIAL IS NEVER HEALTHY.

    Talk with him about this, when you are ready. You may help him and you most certainly deserve the truth so that you can make decisions for your own future.

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    Dec 18, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    That happened to me once. icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 18, 2012 1:29 PM GMT
    I had two relationships where the other lied downwards about their age. One by twelve years, the other by fourteen.

    The second one's age fumbled forward a few months after we started getting serious, but we stayed together for many years after. Conversely, the first one's unintentional revelation was many years after our friendship turned romantic, after we moved to Atlanta together; we were done as soon as I could ship his butt back north.

    The screaming hint was always in the birthdays: I'd be wanting to really go crazy in celebrating milestone years ("HAPPY 25th/40th BIRTHDAY!" on the cakes and streamers) while they would insist not to make a big deal about it... in no uncertain terms.

    Or when you're in the card/gift store, and they would steer themselves as far away from the "Time After Time" annuals as humanly possible.

    And of course, they NEVER EVER want you to see their driver's license, as if their reservation is something about how embarrassing their picture looks.

    Not quite as important as age, but it turned out the first one even lied about his ethnicity. Hollywooded his surname and everything to make himself out to be of Puerto Rican heritage (he was French-Canadian... at least that was the new story). So much for "my Latin Lover!" icon_lol.gif Lied about his school and work history, and where he grew up, too (Rhode Island can be rough in some spots... but it ain't South Bronx). No wonder my conversations with his mom were so awkward! icon_lol.gif Once the age lie crumbled, so did most everything else about the guy.

    Understatement of the year, but I swear I am not enough of a prize to be lied to like that.

    There were other issues that eventually led to Splitsville, but I eventually realized in the second case that, never mind the unfairness of being dishonest with one's age, it was unfair for me to hold that lie over their heads every time a petty disagreement came up ("I mean, your name really IS Bob, right?"). And while I still liked this person immensely, I really didn't want to unpeel the onion any more than I had already.

    Neither of these individuals were met via online connections, just old tried-and-true connections on our city streets. So they weren't misrepresenting themselves to thousands of random people, they were directly doing this to ME, to shape a narrative they thought was important enough to keep me hanging around.

    Part of the reason I keep my desirable age range close to mine was because I ASSUME others are lying by at least 5 years when I meet them. Turns out my guesses were only off by another half-decade... or two... And I usually prefer courting upwards in age anyway, because I don't want to be the fool pleading, "But, Your Honor, I swear he told me he was 26!"

    I can understand that the connections you've made with your beau may transcend this discovery. But it can become hard to plan your lives together when only one of you has known the other's true age all along. A lot of planning and assumptions you make, particularly your retirement years and mutual personal care and family care needs, become complicated as the assumed age gap suddenly widens by multiples of two or more.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Dec 18, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    A year and he's kept this lie up that long? No excuse for this. Tell him you know, and tell him what you think, whether it makes no difference to you or whatever - but he should have been honest from the start.

    Punish or dump him for this deceit icon_twisted.gif
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    Dec 18, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    dayumm saidI had two relationships where the other lied downwards about their age. One by twelve years, the other by fourteen.

    The second one's age fumbled forward a few months after we started getting serious, but we stayed together for many years after. Conversely, the first one's unintentional revelation was many years after our friendship turned romantic, after we moved to Atlanta together; we were done as soon as I could ship his butt back north.

    The screaming hint was always in the birthdays: I'd be wanting to really go crazy in celebrating milestone years ("HAPPY 25th/40th BIRTHDAY!" on the cakes and streamers) while they would insist not to make a big deal about it... in no uncertain terms.

    Or when you're in the card/gift store, and they would steer themselves as far away from the "Time After Time" annuals as humanly possible.

    And of course, they NEVER EVER want you to see their driver's license, as if their reservation is something about how embarrassing their picture looks.

    Not quite as important as age, but it turned out the first one even lied about his ethnicity. Hollywooded his surname and everything to make himself out to be of Puerto Rican heritage (he was French-Canadian... at least that was the new story). So much for "my Latin Lover!" icon_lol.gif Lied about his school and work history, and where he grew up, too (Rhode Island can be rough in some spots... but it ain't South Bronx). No wonder my conversations with his mom were so awkward! icon_lol.gif Once the age lie crumbled, so did most everything else about the guy.

    Understatement of the year, but I swear I am not enough of a prize to be lied to like that.

    There were other issues that eventually led to Splitsville, but I eventually realized in the second case that, never mind the unfairness of being dishonest with one's age, it was unfair for me to hold that lie over their heads every time a petty disagreement came up ("I mean, your name really IS Bob, right?"). And while I still liked this person immensely, I really didn't want to unpeel the onion any more than I had already.

    Neither of these individuals were met via online connections, just old tried-and-true connections on our city streets. So they weren't misrepresenting themselves to thousands of random people, they were directly doing this to ME, to shape a narrative they thought was important enough to keep me hanging around.

    Part of the reason I keep my desirable age range close to mine was because I ASSUME others are lying by at least 5 years when I meet them. Turns out my guesses were only off by another half-decade... or two... And I usually prefer courting upwards in age anyway, because I don't want to be the fool pleading, "But, Your Honor, I swear he told me he was 26!"

    I can understand that the connections you've made with your beau may transcend this discovery. But it can become hard to plan your lives together when only one of you has known the other's true age all along. A lot of planning and assumptions you make, particularly your retirement years and mutual personal care and family care needs, become complicated as the assumed age gap suddenly widens by multiples of two or more.


    Wow...I'm speechless.
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?

    Folks who lie are liers. This is likely just the beginning.


    Baloney! Just because he lied about his age doesn't make him a liar on everything or even anything else. And people who claim they don't ever lie are liars, btw.

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    Dec 18, 2012 2:19 PM GMT
    Nothing to approach delicately about. He lied. Confront him and find out why. Get it all out on the table now.
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    Dont' be surprised if this is his only deception.
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:26 PM GMT
    catchy_screen_name saidDont' be surprised if this is [NOT] his only deception.


    fixed?
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Double-dipping here, but my other realization was I wasn't in a relationship with an authentic person, but a "mascot" -- a 3-D caricature of who they wanted me to believe they were, a get-up that takes incredible efforts to sustain over time, often including their friends and even family members to help keep the costume party going. In hindsight, they'll find it was a spectacular waste of time for you and him and everybody else.

    The challenge becomes: can you still adore the person once the costume comes off? Also, are they too far into their performance art to even remove the costume on their own?