I discovered my boyfriend's REAL age accidentally. He's 10 years older than what he had told me.

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    Dec 18, 2012 2:38 PM GMT
    He lied. That's the rot that will eat away at your trust. A relationship with compromised trust is very very difficult to repair and restore. So the irony of his (likely) attempt to not scare you off is that he's now forced you to consider leaving.
    Age is a number. Period. Aging, however, is a process and includes losing youthful privileges such as appearance and strength and eventually health. You deserved a chance to weigh your role in accompanying him in his journey through time and considering what sacrifice or compromise would be asked of you as he advanced through the aging process and, most likely, died before you leaving you alone. Those are not reasons to reject someone, but robbing you of the right to weigh them in the balance of your attraction and affection and love is a terrible and foolish thing.
    Old men fear the end long before they make peace with it, sadly his fear is likely to underscore terrible things as he will see your leaving as proof of his diminished attractiveness rather than evidence of what comes from deceit.
    You can choose, but choose knowing that trust, not age gap, is truly the issue.
    Don't delay one more minute in telling him what you discovered and how you feel. Be mindful of his heart, but guard yours with enough courage to do what is good and right and fair for you.
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    Be careful. I actually lied about my age a few years ago to a guy I was dating for a month or so, mostly because we had met on some online hookup site and my sense was that I would meet less men if I were more honest about my age, which was true, but not very classy. When he did find out the truth I decided to be honest with him and tell him that the little lie about my age did not seem like that big of a deal and he was not that important to me, which may be what you may find out. A little white lie is not a big lie to people we really don't care much about. I would never lie to my current partner, about anything - but the guy I lied to about my age? He was just not that big of a deal. Sad, but true.
    If I were you, I would confront him, because in the end, the age thing is just a numbers game, but the lie thing should be a deal breaker. It was for me, when confronted, I cleared the air and ended the relationship right there.
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:59 PM GMT
    What's more concerning is your bf's preference for very young guys. Ask your self whether he would still be attracted to you when you're 30 or older.
  • Kwokpot

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    Dec 18, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidWhat's more concerning is your bf's preference for very young guys. Ask your self whether he would still be attracted to you when you're 30 or older.

    EXACTLY
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    Being the contrarian that I am, I fib about my age the other way. I tell folks that I'm ten years OLDER than I actually am.

    icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidWhat's more concerning is your bf's preference for very young guys. Ask your self whether he would still be attracted to you when you're 30 or older.


    I talked about that issue with him before. We are all in for a long haul.
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Dec 18, 2012 3:12 PM GMT
    Lying about age = P A T H E T I C

    If you aren't comfortable owning who you are, then start working on yourself before fucking with others.
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said You deserved a chance to weigh your role in accompanying him in his journey through time and considering what sacrifice or compromise would be asked of you as he advanced through the aging process and, most likely, died before you leaving you alone.


    I realized 20 years gap is indeed huge. Most probably, I'll outlive him if we are still together 30 years later down the road. But hey, you might get hit by a truck tomorrow right but that doesn't stop you from living your life and taking hard choices.
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    i sometimes bump my age up slightly because i'm so close to 40, i don't feel like talking about it as if it's a big deal coming up....but that never lasts past the first date...
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 18, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    Buddha saidI have no idea why, but I was really captured by your story drypin. You should be a writer icon_smile.gif


    Why thank you Buddha! icon_redface.gif
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    People in general lie about their age, status etc... Remind you watch Maury Povich
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    Hunkymonkey saidThis is important. You need to talk to him about this. I did not say confront. Talk. Confrontation will not be helpful.


    Ditto.
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    Dec 18, 2012 3:40 PM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    drypin said[...]
    [...]
    It's not all bad because I'm much more mature than the peers my age and I have chance to experience things I wouldn't have if it's not because of him. He taught me how to start up a business, invest, manage people and so much more. Plus, the sex is amazing. Mature men really have tricks in their sleeves.


    VERY nice. You are a lucky and fortunate man.
    Like everyone and everything in life, you still have to weigh what you perceive to be good and bad, acceptable and unacceptable, changeable and unchangeable.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5262

    Dec 18, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    I wonder if anyone commenting here has ever loved. You run on and on about this like a five year old repeating what your mother told you. Angelix90, you sound like you really do love this guy but aren't sure whether you can handle the age spread as he gets old. He probably lied to get into your bed and then fell in love with you and is now afraid of losing you. Rightfully so because you're thinking of dumping him and using this as a pretext. Decide if you want to make this a life long commitment and if you do, tell him you saw his age on his passport and he's in damn fine shape for an old man. That when he can't keep it up anymore, you'll start using him as your boy toy so prepare to be boarded. As to your parents, when are you planning to tell them? Another clue you're not really committed. If he is, your lie that you love him way outstrips his white lie.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:09 PM GMT
    Liars lie, dump him because now that you know who he really is, you will question everything else he tells you, rightfully so.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI wonder if anyone commenting here has ever loved. You run on and on about this like a five year old repeating what your mother told you. Angelix90, you sound like you really do love this guy but aren't sure whether you can handle the age spread as he gets old. He probably lied to get into your bed and then fell in love with you and is now afraid of losing you. Rightfully so because you're thinking of dumping him and using this as a pretext. Decide if you want to make this a life long commitment and if you do, tell him you saw his age on his passport and he's in damn fine shape for an old man. That when he can't keep it up anymore, you'll start using him as your boy toy so prepare to be boarded. As to your parents, when are you planning to tell them? Another clue you're not really committed. If he is, your lie that you love him way outstrips his white lie.


    I snorted milk at the word "boytoy". Don't you mean mantoy?

    Anyway, I'm not out to my parents yet. I'm only out to my friends. I'm not going to burn bridges until I graduate and financially secured. Have you seen an Asian family before? They are much worse than your usual bible thumping family. Not only they are very demanding in your achievement in life, they are also very adamant on spreading your seeds to bring in babies and passing down the family name.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    tucsonguy9121 saidIf age is sensitive topic for him, 'confrontation' is taking a gamble.

    If his birthday is close enough, I'd just get him a cake and buy those cheap candles for his actual age and wish him happy (actual age) birthday, with a smile and gentleness of course.

    Just spitting out an idea - but this is something that should be talked about, just to let him know there is nothing to be ashamed of.


    The best advice in this thread
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:12 PM GMT
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidHe kept the truth from you for over a year. And they only reason you discovered the truth was because you saw his passport. It's not like he came clean on his own regarding the matter.

    That's unacceptable for me.


    Yep. A lie like that is only the tip of the iceberg. I learned first hand about a lie that gets caught, revealing many others. There is no telling what I don't know about my ex. EX! That's the operative word. EX.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    To those who are saying dump him...how innocent is you? Clean of lies? Everyone lies on the dates or when you first meet someone, some big some small...you just think it will never workout but then it's too late. So I can see where your bf coming from.

    And lets say OP does dump him, do you think there would be a line of guys at his house waiting to date him?!? Didn't think so.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    ohboy said

    And lets say OP does dump him, do you think there would be a line of guys at his house waiting to date him?!? Didn't think so.


    Wait. What? I'm genuinely hurt.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:26 PM GMT
    Wow I'm surprised by some of the responses here.
    To tell you the truth, if you leave him it's not because you're an ageist, he lied for more than a year about his age.
    That's not a great start to a relationship, ESPECIALLY considering he didn't tell you; you had to find out yourself. I feel that trust has to start from the beginning.

    I know people have said that he might not be lying about everything, but again if he is comfortable to lie about age for so long and not tell you, you have to wonder what else is he willing to lie about so easily, especially age being so trivial, how much more an actual important thing.

    Yes talk to him about and it's best of course if it weren't an argument so he can make his explanations clear, BUT by no means do you have to sugar coat your feelings or opinions on the matter as if it were you who did something wrong.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5262

    Dec 18, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    Destinharbor saidI wonder if anyone commenting here has ever loved. You run on and on about this like a five year old repeating what your mother told you. Angelix90, you sound like you really do love this guy but aren't sure whether you can handle the age spread as he gets old. He probably lied to get into your bed and then fell in love with you and is now afraid of losing you. Rightfully so because you're thinking of dumping him and using this as a pretext. Decide if you want to make this a life long commitment and if you do, tell him you saw his age on his passport and he's in damn fine shape for an old man. That when he can't keep it up anymore, you'll start using him as your boy toy so prepare to be boarded. As to your parents, when are you planning to tell them? Another clue you're not really committed. If he is, your lie that you love him way outstrips his white lie.


    I snorted milk at the word "boytoy". Don't you mean mantoy?

    Anyway, I'm not out to my parents yet. I'm only out to my friends. I'm not going to burn bridges until I graduate and financially secured. Have you seen an Asian family before? They are much worse than your usual bible thumping family. Not only they are very demanding in your achievement in life, they are also very adamant on spreading your seeds to bring in babies and passing down the family name.


    Yeah, I know. lol I was trying to give you someway of dealing with it with humor if you decide you want to stay.

    Well, I totally get the financial part of not telling your parents. Finish your degree. But two points:

    One is don't dismiss the sacrifice your partner is making being committed to a guy who isn't out to his parents. I bet you spend holidays with them. Think of what he's been giving up to be with you in terms of HIS life.

    Secondly, to your point about Asian families, check out my profile and see the last pic. My partner is 30 years younger than me, he was in grad school when we met (a pure sex date that almost instantly became much, much more), and he wasn't out to anyone, especially not his family. He thought if his father knew he'd never speak to him again. Well, after two years and the prospect that his family wanted to send him back to China to find a girl, he finally did tell them about both being gay and that he has partnered with a guy about the same age as his dad. His mom was fine pretty quickly (ya gotta love moms) but surprisingly, his dad's only comment was he hoped he'd be happy. Now everything is open and ok. And he's happier than ever because he doesn't have to keep secrets from people he loves. Things can work out.
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:58 PM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    ohboy said

    And lets say OP does dump him, do you think there would be a line of guys at his house waiting to date him?!? Didn't think so.


    Wait. What? I'm genuinely hurt.



    Yeah, WAIT. "Line of guys at his house waiting to date him",

    The OP is very handsome and obviously extremely smart.

    An equally attractive, intelligent and HONEST MAN will be very lucky to share a great life with him.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    ohboy said

    And lets say OP does dump him, do you think there would be a line of guys at his house waiting to date him?!? Didn't think so.


    Wait. What? I'm genuinely hurt.


    No Angelix. I'm sure he meant your Peter Pan boyfriend, not you. You'd get a line. icon_smile.gif