I discovered my boyfriend's REAL age accidentally. He's 10 years older than what he had told me.

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    Dec 18, 2012 5:07 PM GMT
    dayumm said
    Angelix90 said
    ohboy said

    And lets say OP does dump him, do you think there would be a line of guys at his house waiting to date him?!? Didn't think so.


    Wait. What? I'm genuinely hurt.


    No Angelix. I'm sure he meant your Peter Pan boyfriend, not you. You'd get a line. icon_smile.gif


    Oh, it's "his" house, not "his" house. Understandable confusion.

    You would be surprised how many lines of people I need to fend off to get to him.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:09 PM GMT
    GeorgeLifts said
    Angelix90 said
    ohboy said

    And lets say OP does dump him, do you think there would be a line of guys at his house waiting to date him?!? Didn't think so.


    Wait. What? I'm genuinely hurt.



    Yeah, WAIT. "Line of guys at his house waiting to date him",

    The OP is very handsome and obviously extremely smart.

    An equally attractive, intelligent and HONEST MAN will be very lucky to share a great life with him.


    That is the sweetest thing ever said to me. Even my diabetic grandma was not that good in complimenting me.
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    It has been my experience that many more gay men that are over 30 (yes, just 30) often lie about their age. I've accepted that as part of the community. Particularly since the gay community in general (though not in whole) obsesses about youth and, by corollary: age.

    I have never lied about my age because I thought it was pointless. Secondly, when you start to lie about such things, it becomes difficult to be constantly trying to remember the lie and have to relentlessly adjust things in your head so that you can support the lie.

    I don't personally care how old someone is. If a guy is 22 and hot, or 65 and hot, either way, the 'hot' aspect is what is more important initially. While I tend to place deference on guys who are closer to my age, as they are easier to relate to (because of life experience) it doesn't mean that I think any less of someone younger. There are always exceptions in any age group.

    On the issue of honesty, it's a different story. Even if a guy was 34 and told me he was thirty, it would not bother me significantly as a big lie. However, if I discovered his real age, I'd not confront him on it but if given ample opportunity to honestly admit his age, and he didn't do so, I'd probably always have doubts about his honesty.

    I can understand someone's ego or vanity being so fragile that they have difficulty admitting it themselves, even when confronted. But again, the counter is that when someone is lying to the person that they should be most fully honest with, then how could I fully trust him.

    There's an odd paradox here though. Personally, having once had a job where I had to randomly go through interoffice emails for security purposes, I realized that there is no such thing as an individual that is faultless and pure. Everyone, without exception, has skeletons in their closet. The issue of withholding the truth can only be helpful when revealing it will cause unnecessary pain or harm to some else. This does not include the ego of the one whose knowledge of the truth may be harmed. (In other words, if you try to justify lying about yourself to protect others, when it's actually about yourself, that isn't acceptable to me.)

    In any relationship I've been in, I feel that it's important for my own psyche and serenity, to be honest about my life and past. It isn't easy and it isn't painless, but the reward has always been better than the loss in the long run. I reveal the major issues and address the smaller ones as they come up or if I'm asked about them.

    There are many things I've learned about many people that I haven't shared, nor will ever share (especially out of vengeance or anger or envy.) It teaches me that we are all flawed and it also teaches me that on varying levels, some are willing to maintain the lie at any cost while others work towards greater honesty and accept and learn to deal with the consequences of their actions even if the lie was as minor as lying about his age.
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    MUSCLEGUYLA10 saidDUMP HIS ASS! AND YOU NEED GLASSES OR YOUR CATARACTS REMOVED, LOL!


    IRONIC THAT YOU POSTED IN A THREAD ABOUT HONESTY WITH YOUR FAKE PROFILE PICS. REPORTED, SO WE'RE DUMPING YOUR ASS. ALSO, CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WITH ORANGE CHEETOHS FINGERS.

    pic01.jpg96088854877ec8a1027f4cba6b34307b.jpg
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    I think some of you guys are missing the point, honestly. The big deal is not that the BF lied about his age, it's that he knew it was a potential deal breaker with the OP and chose to lie about it anyway.

    That's not a white lie, that's trying to control and manipulate someone by removing their ability to make a choice for themselves.

    It might be one thing if you're just fucking around on Grindr, but it's no small stuff if you're trying to build a relationship with someone.
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    Dec 18, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    You gotta wonder, if my man lied to me about THAT ...
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Dec 18, 2012 8:56 PM GMT
    There are no words...

    ...to describe the responses in this forum...really? "People who lie are liars"..."20 years difference..."..."this is only the beginning"...

    Maybe I have too many things to worry about in the world, but if you found someone you can stand to be with for a year and this is the first 'bump' in that road, talk to him about it and find out what the reason was for holding back on his true age rather than posting it for the entire world to see first...it's called communication and any trusting relationship has it...that "we don't take our show on the road" as you have done here...

    And if I had to put my money on a group of people who claim to have the moral high ground on being truthful by never lying...I might just be skeptical enough to trust my other option...really, none of us have lied before on something stupid because we were afraid of judgement?

    Based on the responses in this forum, I don't blame the guy.

    talk to him.

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 18, 2012 8:56 PM GMT
    my first date, with the biggest gap was when I was 21, and he was 42. The date was over in the first five minutes when I caught him putting on make up before we went in to have dinner.
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    Dec 18, 2012 9:23 PM GMT
    My real world experience: I've posted before the story about the BF who lied to me about being 10 years younger than he was. But when he confessed (on his own) it turned out that his real age was the age I actually preferred (close to my own).

    So that was good, right? Well, sorta. I didn't dump him right away, we started an LTR, but I would subsequently learn he lied to me regularly about other things. And cheated on me, later admitting he couldn't be monogamous with anyone. That was the deal breaker.

    So maybe the age difference isn't so bad, nor this single lie itself, but does it reveal a bigger character flaw? Some guys here are suggesting that. I might not break up over this alone, because lots of guys are vain about their age, or insecure, but I'd sure keep a close watch on him.
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    Dec 19, 2012 12:40 AM GMT
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?


    Honestly, I think he purposely didn't tell you because he wanted you to get to know him and not his age. I do the same thing with telling people I'm gay. Most people don't guess that I'm gay because my interests apart from ballet is well.. straight. So I always tend to get to know someone before I tell them because that way, they know immediately not to associate me with the stereotype.

    I would tell him truth. Just be like "listen, I came across your passport and saw that you were 10 years older than you told me you were. Is there some reason that you didn't tell me this? And before we move on with this relationship, I would really like to know if you're hiding anything else from me that I would want/need to know."
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    Dec 19, 2012 12:49 AM GMT
    So he's a beautiful liar. What else would he be lying about?

    Spill the true tea all over his ass.
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    Dec 19, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    dfrourke said...

    ... rather than posting it for the entire world to see first...it's called communication and any trusting relationship has it...that "we don't take our show on the road" as you have done here...

    - David icon_wink.gif



    HOLY WOW!

    THIS IS THE POST THAT SHOCKS ME MOST.

    David, are you suggesting that the OP should only seek advice on how to deal with his partner's dishonesty FROM HIS PARTNER?

    And you write about "any trusting relationship". You are apparently ignoring the essential detail THAT HIS PARTNER HAS LIED TO HIM FOR OVER A YEAR.

    Please allow other members to seek advice in whatever way they feel is appropriate. IMO, it is far more respectful of one's relationship to seek advice from strangers(who are unlikely to gossip with your mutual friends) than to discuss such an issue with one's own circle.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1343

    Dec 19, 2012 2:48 AM GMT
    dfrourke saidThere are no words...

    ...to describe the responses in this forum...really? "People who lie are liars"..."20 years difference..."..."this is only the beginning"...

    Maybe I have too many things to worry about in the world, but if you found someone you can stand to be with for a year and this is the first 'bump' in that road, talk to him about it and find out what the reason was for holding back on his true age rather than posting it for the entire world to see first...it's called communication and any trusting relationship has it...that "we don't take our show on the road" as you have done here...

    And if I had to put my money on a group of people who claim to have the moral high ground on being truthful by never lying...I might just be skeptical enough to trust my other option...really, none of us have lied before on something stupid because we were afraid of judgement?

    Based on the responses in this forum, I don't blame the guy.

    talk to him.

    - David icon_wink.gif


    ^^This guy DEFINITELY lies about his age
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 19, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?



    i say you wait until he tells you. i think you confront him it will blow up into a big fight. if its not a problem than leave it alonge. like they say if it aint broken than there is no need to fix it
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:04 AM GMT
    mickeytopogigio said
    MUSCLEGUYLA10 saidDUMP HIS ASS! AND YOU NEED GLASSES OR YOUR CATARACTS REMOVED, LOL!


    IRONIC THAT YOU POSTED IN A THREAD ABOUT HONESTY WITH YOUR FAKE PROFILE PICS. REPORTED, SO WE'RE DUMPING YOUR ASS. ALSO, CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WITH ORANGE CHEETOHS FINGERS.

    pic01.jpg96088854877ec8a1027f4cba6b34307b.jpg


    Hot damn...icon_lol.gif
    Photobucket
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:22 AM GMT
    Wow, If he can keep his age a secret for over a year I wonder what else he hasnt told you about himself.
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:28 AM GMT
    If you have no problem with it then wait for him to tell you. You definitely don't want to confront him, that may put a strain on your relationship. If you just happen to "find out" in front of him, then just laugh it off and move on. And if he tells you, then tell him you still love him and are glad he told you.

    I don't have any experience here so I can't really help out, sorry. icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:40 AM GMT
    This caught my attention. Look, every relationship is unique, so to immediately call it quits would be wrong. On the other hand, above all, being honest with each other about simple things and more important things is paramount. I can't tell you how important that is; I suspect you know this, but that you need reinforcement. If he hides his real age from you, will it really be a surprise if he hides more from you, perhaps much more serious things? If you ask him to explain and he admits that it was a foolish mistake to hold such information from you, then perhaps he possesses real accountability and the ability to recognize mistakes, he learns the value of being honest, etc., then there's hope. But if he brushes this off as not important, or is angry for you finding out, etc., then in my opinion, he's not worthy of you and he's been using you for his own gratification.

    I've learned life's lessons and the hard way. BUT I've learned. Leaning is all about change and further self- improvement.

    So if he can redeem himself, then well, it's worth working things out....but if he balmes you for calling him out, you've got to wonder what you have with this guy. I'd say you really have nothing.

    In the end, only you can determine what's right for you. But please be responsible for yourself; if you stick with him even after he acknowleges things but does not appologize, explain, etc., then it becomes you that holds the accountability. When you find the truth., follow the truth, look for forgiveness but also for integrity and sincereity. We all make mistakes, some much more serious than others. It is indeed possible and noble to forgive. Many people who make mistakes are willing to say so and take responsibility. Perhaps that may be even more redeeming if indeed this happens and it is real, but if there's only words, then wow, that's nice, but where are the actions that go with the words?

    This is one more of those stories that scare me about living as a gay man. Life is too short to play such games. Look for the real thing. I believe in the fruit of perseverance.

    Be well man!
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    It just depends if you like him for the person he is... obviously his actual age is 10 years older than his real age.... but so what.... btw whats his psychological age?

    He'll probably say "so what" if you tell him you know. You didn't get involved with him because he was a younger guy..... he must have turned you on.... and he must have a lot more wisdom than most. It will turn out ok if you two enjoy each others company and do things together.

    The best thing you can do is say "you rascal.... i just found out how old you actually are... I'm going to give you a really good bj just to make sure....lol
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:46 AM GMT
    Hey OP,

    can you post a pic of him? I'd like to see if he does looks young at all.
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    Dec 19, 2012 4:01 AM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    n8698u said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidHe kept the truth from you for over a year. And they only reason you discovered the truth was because you saw his passport. It's not like he came clean on his own regarding the matter.

    That's unacceptable for me.


    Yep. A lie like that is only the tip of the iceberg. I learned first hand about a lie that gets caught, revealing many others. There is no telling what I don't know about my ex. EX! That's the operative word. EX.

    Wow. Et tu, sweet thing?

    There are lies that matter and lies that don't. Anyone who lumps these two things together into the same category is not living in the real world. People lie all the time about stuff that doesn't matter. Frequently lying is more socially acceptable than the truth. In other cases, yeah, but who cares?

    That whole "tip of the iceberg" thing isn't necessarily true at all. It may be that someone who lies about one trivial thing doesn't mind lyimg about another, but it doesn't remotely follow that he will lie about important things.


    In my real world, I wouldn't want a man who hides an essential part of who he is. I guess I'm foolish for being honest and up front with people, and expect the same. One's age is an important matter to me. What else could he lie about?

    In my case, once the trust was gone on a small thing, I became suspicious and found a whole bunch of other lies. My ex is STILL lying to his new BF, his parents, his grandmother...

    It all comes down to trust for me.
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    Dec 19, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    tucsonguy9121 saidIf age is sensitive topic for him, 'confrontation' is taking a gamble.

    If his birthday is close enough, I'd just get him a cake and buy those cheap candles for his actual age and wish him happy (actual age) birthday, with a smile and gentleness of course.

    Just spitting out an idea - but this is something that should be talked about, just to let him know there is nothing to be ashamed of.


    This is a brilliant idea. I don't think that this is a deal breaker if you love one another, but it needs to be put on the table.
    It's actually amazing though, that he's been thinking that he would get away with it forever...to me, this would be the red flag. Sounds almost pathological.

    best wishes.
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    Dec 19, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    n8698u said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidHe kept the truth from you for over a year. And they only reason you discovered the truth was because you saw his passport. It's not like he came clean on his own regarding the matter.

    That's unacceptable for me.


    Yep. A lie like that is only the tip of the iceberg. I learned first hand about a lie that gets caught, revealing many others. There is no telling what I don't know about my ex. EX! That's the operative word. EX.

    Wow. Et tu, sweet thing?

    There are lies that matter and lies that don't. Anyone who lumps these two things together into the same category is not living in the real world. People lie all the time about stuff that doesn't matter. Frequently lying is more socially acceptable than the truth. In other cases, yeah, but who cares?

    That whole "tip of the iceberg" thing isn't necessarily true at all. It may be that someone who lies about one trivial thing doesn't mind lyimg about another, but it doesn't remotely follow that he will lie about important things.

    It's not that he lied about his age (which is stupid), it's that he kept it up for a year and will likely keep it longer.
    Then he'll have to lie about other things so that he can protect the first lie-- career, past relationships, graduations. He'll now have a dozen lies going just to make the math work on his fake age.
    He might not take the OP to visit family or old friends, anyone who could blow his secret.

    The most worrisome issue is that if he is lying so often and easily about something so stupid, he would be more tempted to lie about something big rather than deal with it.
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    Dec 19, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    n8698u said
    Aristoshark said
    n8698u said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidHe kept the truth from you for over a year. And they only reason you discovered the truth was because you saw his passport. It's not like he came clean on his own regarding the matter.

    That's unacceptable for me.


    Yep. A lie like that is only the tip of the iceberg. I learned first hand about a lie that gets caught, revealing many others. There is no telling what I don't know about my ex. EX! That's the operative word. EX.

    Wow. Et tu, sweet thing?

    There are lies that matter and lies that don't. Anyone who lumps these two things together into the same category is not living in the real world. People lie all the time about stuff that doesn't matter. Frequently lying is more socially acceptable than the truth. In other cases, yeah, but who cares?

    That whole "tip of the iceberg" thing isn't necessarily true at all. It may be that someone who lies about one trivial thing doesn't mind lyimg about another, but it doesn't remotely follow that he will lie about important things.



    I guess I'm not sophisticated enough to nuance my morals or integrity. I guess I was raised in some silly, antiquated ideal system, and I am a bit black and white.

    Life has taught me some bitter lessons on small lies snowballing into major lies. I care because the truth is a form of respect and love, and those I love will get the truth. Deception isn't love.