Is There Hope For Me Yet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2008 2:08 AM GMT

    I was told that if a guy go out and play in the “bushes”, bookstores, bathhouses, bars, and or clubs isn’t relationship material. Is this true, because I would like to give up playing in the “bushes” and want to be in a committed relationship, because I stated that I will be 40 in 7 years, and I do not want to be doing that forever and catch a VD, get in trouble with the law, and last, have to fight off stupid people who want to harm to me.

    Someone told me that I might be damaged goods, and can’t be in a relationship because of I was going out and sticking my “manhood” in every hole that is willing. and, that I am not relationship material, because I do not know how to commit to one person. I am scared of getting hurt. I have seen relationships with other black gay men and some of them crashed and burned, and I do not want to end up that way. Also, when I came out at the age of 21 without a mentor to show me what to do and not what to do, I was told that if I get into a relationship, it would be like prison. I can't go and hang out with my friends, can't look at other people, and last, it's like having a ball and chain around the ankle. and I was running away from relationships like the plague. And now I wish I was in one. What the hell wrong with me? and to end, I run to the "losers" and away from the ones that are positive thinking, acting, kind, and Godly. To end, I heard someone say that once a guy is labeled a hoe, no one would want him after they find out what I was doing sexually with other men. I get tested every 6 months for Sexually Transmitted Disease’s which the tests comes back clean and I am always safe when comes to sex with other people.

    I am pretty much hurt by what this person said to me. Am I “damaged goods”? Or do I have a shot at love and romance in a committed relationship? I do not to be lonely and alone at the age of 60, because I picture myself paying a young guy to be with.
  • Tiran

    Posts: 227

    Sep 17, 2008 2:58 AM GMT
    There isn't a person out there who isn't "damaged goods" from some perspective. And if they aren't they might as well be, they will be pretty lonely.

    I personally see no problem with bathhouses and bookstores or where ever. It is how you use them and why. If you use them because you fear dating or a relationship, well that makes it pretty hard to be in one doesn't it? I think they are fun once in a while and have a good (safe) time. I know myself enough to know though, if that is all I am doing, I need to look at what else is going on in my life, what is wrong and why I am out of balance. And in terms of dating, if a guy can't handle that I have a past I guess I am not important enough to him (I have been pretty discreet, but I don't deny my past).

    Getting hurt is a chance you have to take if you want a relationship. No if ands or buts. And the odds are you will get hurt. But you can't win the prize if you don't play the game. And no matter how much it hurts, it won't kill you (although sometimes you wish it would, I know I did.) But sooner or later it will pay off. Trust in that.

    You may want to consider some of the gay relationship/self help books (I think I have almost everyone ever printed lol) or even a therapist. There is no shame in seeking help if you need it. More men should. And don't worry about your age. There are a lot of men on this site that prove you can still be hot well past 40. It doesn't have to be over the hill any more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 17, 2008 3:51 AM GMT
    I do think there is hope.

    Just because you have done things in the past that you regret does not mean that your future is shot down. If you clean up your act, you will find people out there who appreciate someone who has the strength of character to do so.

    You should also take into account that there's other people like you out there. One of the good things about the gay community is you can find older guys looking for relationships and it's not big deal. In some straight circles, if you're single and past your mid 30's, people treat you as if your boat had sailed. But some gay guys are just coming out of the closet then. True, you'll encounter ageism in the gay community, but it's not as bad.