My girl friend's boyfriend is on gay hookup websites...

  • neutronman

    Posts: 12

    Dec 28, 2012 1:14 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    tmac said
    StevieB0402 saidAn interesting phenomenon of this question is that most of the posters who say to do nothing or mind your own business are over 30. In the glory days of gay bars, there was an unwritten rule that if you saw someone you knew out in the clubs, you kept it to yourself in "real life". There was always that shroud of anonymity we used to protect each other, especially considering how many of us were in the closet back then. Could their advice be a leftover reaction to not wanting to be outed?

    I find that putting things in a personal perspective makes the decision easier. If this girlfriend were your sister, or even your single mom, what would you do? The actions you would take to protect your family should be the actions you would take with anybody. Let's face it, you're worried that he will break her heart or worse, bring something back to her that nobody wants to contract, like HIV. Remember: all that is needed for evil to prevail is for one good man to do nothing. A bit melodramatic, I agree, but the core remains true. Bad things happen when good people do nothing.

    Personally, I would talk to him. Throwing around accusations rarely yields positive results and if he's innocent, he deserves to know that pic is out there. If he's guilty, he needs to know that he's caught and hopefully he will do the right thing.


    Thank you


    Yes, thanks.


    +1, thank.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 1:19 AM GMT
    You gotta ask ? keep your nose out of it .....
    MYOB
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 1:55 AM GMT
    StevieB0402 saidAn interesting phenomenon of this question is that most of the posters who say to do nothing or mind your own business are over 30. In the glory days of gay bars, there was an unwritten rule that if you saw someone you knew out in the clubs, you kept it to yourself in "real life". There was always that shroud of anonymity we used to protect each other, especially considering how many of us were in the closet back then. Could their advice be a leftover reaction to not wanting to be outed?

    I find that putting things in a personal perspective makes the decision easier. If this girlfriend were your sister, or even your single mom, what would you do? The actions you would take to protect your family should be the actions you would take with anybody. Let's face it, you're worried that he will break her heart or worse, bring something back to her that nobody wants to contract, like HIV. Remember: all that is needed for evil to prevail is for one good man to do nothing. A bit melodramatic, I agree, but the core remains true. Bad things happen when good people do nothing.

    Personally, I would talk to him. Throwing around accusations rarely yields positive results and if he's innocent, he deserves to know that pic is out there. If he's guilty, he needs to know that he's caught and hopefully he will do the right thing.


    The problem with this theory of how the handle it is that we all know, from our own experiences before coming out, that he's going to deny, deny, deny.

    Confronting him will only push him deeper into the closet and he'll figure a better way to be anonymous. Yes, we always want to protect those we love but there's a fine line between protecting and having your nose in someone else business. It's a tough call and perhaps confronting him is the only option but I'd sure think it out and make a plan that might allow for discussing it without accusation.

    This truly is a tough one to know what's right, what's wrong and which way to turn.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 2:16 AM GMT
    There's no way you'll come out the hero in all this. If anything, you may be putting your friendship at risk because, believe it or not, she may resent your intervention.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11557

    Dec 28, 2012 2:23 AM GMT
    eagermuscle saidThere's no way you'll come out the hero in all this. If anything, you may be putting your friendship at risk because, believe it or not, she may resent your intervention.





    How true icon_exclaim.gif

    "Been there, done that".....I have learned my lesson.

    "Feminine logic" IS a contradiction of terms. She wouldn't be the first gal who blamed YOU for mistakes that she has made.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Dec 28, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    Try talking to him about it and then see how he respond. If something is going on, you should be able to tell by the way he respond. In my opinion though, this is not a cares for alarm. If something is up, then you have a role to play in alerting your friend. I hope things work out great.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11422

    Dec 28, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    There is only one thing you can do. If he's hot, you hook up with him, and if he's not you extort money from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 3:45 AM GMT
    Who are you friends with? The girl or the guy? Who's health should you be concerned with? Who's the innocent one?

    How can you be sure if the profile does actually belong to the guy? I agree with most posters on here about not meddling too much in anything, but with a twist on it. Meddle where your friend's physical and emotional health are at stake. Whatever happens after that is between her and her boyfriend. If the profile turns out to be some stolen pictures, that will make for a hell of a funny story. But why let some closet case mess with your friend?

    Keep your interaction respectful and to the minimum.

    That's my take.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 3:51 AM GMT
    tell the girl. Just do it. It's fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    I'd talk to him via a sock account, ask him what his job is.

    If it was him, I would talk to him directly about it. How he responded would be critical in determining if I even do anything else. Maybe she knows about it and is fine with it.

    But as people have said, he could be endangering your friend by being promiscuous. He could be wasting her time figuring himself out. She might have her sights set on marriage.

    If it seemed really bad, I would tell him I'd not out him but that he needs to break up with her. It's a matter of respect, and I owe respect to a friend more than a random fellow gay man.

    If it's not him, he should know that his pictures are being stolen.

    To do nothing is sticking your head in the sand because it means less bother for you. The easy way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 3:31 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    BlkMuscleGent saidIt's troubling that most guys in this thread think the OP should do nothing. A straight woman could be in danger.


    Is this worse than a gay man being in danger? I don't get why a straight woman being in danger makes it somehow worse. And in danger of what exactly? How does his picture being on a gay website make her "in danger"?

    Like the OP said, someone could have stolen his pictures. Happens all the time, and completely plausible since I don't think most closeted guys would put their FACEBOOK PICTURE on a gay sex website knowing their girlfriend has gay friends. Hmmm....

    It's troubling that some people would start hopping around on their jump to conclusions mat and do/say something stupid with no conclusive evidence besides a picture they saw online because they want to play knight in shining armor for "a straight woman" in "danger" of...who knows?


    Why can't we let the woman who is actually dating him decide for herself if he is cheating she may suspect something or maybe this will let her starting putting some of the pieces together. If he's not cheating then fine, but why is it not up to her to decide. Its not about straight women versus gay guys its someone possibly cheating on your friend and you wanting them to have all of the information you have so that they can decide for themselves.

    This isn't the same as saying he is definitely cheating though- just tell her what you saw.

    Have to say it's a little troubling how many guys here would just ignore it,

    Also don't talk to him first, he could just be a really good liar. When you've been in the closet for ages you become pretty accustomed to lying. Think of how many cheaters and generally gay guys have managed to convince women (and men) that they love them and while they're actually cheating, and if they can convince their own spouse of that you won't be too difficult.

    hoes before homos (if the girl's really your friend)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    Typically, I'd be all for telling your friend if you were 100% sure it was her boyfriend on a gay hookup site. However, if I were you, I would not jeopardize my career over outing a co-worker. I think getting into a co-worker's personal life can destroy your career potential. And if your supervisor finds out, it might hurt you in a job recommendation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    so I am just gonna keep this card in my back pocket

    ...so it's not important enough to tell her now, but it's worth keeping in mind to tell her if they do break up just to rub it in?

    BEST FRIEND EVER, RIGHT HERE.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    themachine saidTalk to him. Tell him someone is using his picture on an online hookup site, and that he can complain with admins to get it removed. Give him the site address, give him the screen name.

    Usually, not assuming the worst is a very wise policy. If his pic got stolen, you've done him a favor. If it's his own profile, he'll be on notice, and he'll probably panic when you tell him.


    Interesting dilemma and opinions. I think I lean towards that response as the best solution.

    I've got a str8 (well, now coming out late in life as bi) friend who fucks around on his monogamous wife. It is truly his one big flaw and is otherwise a very nice, caring guy. I've known him since forever but only met her lately. Because of the knowledge I have of my friend and because I have a prior commitment to honor his confidence in me, I avoid becoming her friend, I have avoided even visiting them as they live far away and I prefer staying with my friends over hotels. He's invited me numerous times but I've explained to him my dilemma. I don't even want to get to know her better over lunch. And my friend understands, because I have explained it, that it isn't fair to put me in that awkward situation. It is sad we don't see each other as much but otherwise we stay in contact and I don't think my stance has hurt our relationship much.

    Once I know the facts and do not act upon them, while being part of that party, I have become party to that deceit. To not say anything while maintaining integrity, I would have to recuse myself from the relationship. This happens at many levels in life such as the one I just described and even with acquaintences.

    I met some guy a little while ago and we totally clicked sexually and tricked before chatting much. Shocking, I know. But the chemistry was undeniable and our connection incredible for both of us. And then later we did it again. And then we started talking more than just inuendo and dirty talk. He's a really nice guy for the most part, just as I suspected, and I like him very much. Only I learned he's fucking around. He had previously mentioned it in passing as if he was in an open relationship but this time I had him clarify the situation. Now I know.

    And so now I can't play with him anymore. Damn it. He's freaking stunning. And he likes me. What a tough thing to give up. But I can't put myself in that situation once I'm clear as to the facts. And I can't put myself in that situation among friends either.

    The OP's situation is particularly sticky because of already being friends with both parties before finding out the situation and because of accepted rules of gay brotherhood.

    But we are faced with dilemmas all throughout life and I don't know that we can always simply do nothing about them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    I met some guy a little while ago and we totally clicked sexually and tricked before chatting much. Shocking, I know. But the chemistry was undeniable and our connection incredible for both of us. And then later we did it again. And then we started talking more than just inuendo and dirty talk. He's a really nice guy for the most part, just as I suspected, and I like him very much. Only I learned he's fucking around. He had previously mentioned it in passing as if he was in an open relationship but this time I had him clarify the situation. Now I know.

    And so now I can't play with him anymore. Damn it. He's freaking stunning. And he likes me. What a tough thing to give up. But I can't put myself in that situation once I'm clear as to the facts. And I can't put myself in that situation among friends either..

    Just curious, why was that an issue? If he is in an open relationship than both parties are ok with it especially if he has a public profile with a face pic and states that. Unless, like me, you prefer single guys?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    I had fake profiles on Adam 4 Adam, Big Muscle, Grindr and even fucking Facebook. I was confronted by my bf a couple of times and I was like wtf is he talking about. Then he felt bad about it when he realized they were fake accounts. I requested the admins of these sites to take these profiles down but that didnt stop it from happening again, so I stopped giving a shit about fakes. So ya, There is a high probability that that might not even be him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 4:53 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    theantijock said
    I met some guy a little while ago and we totally clicked sexually and tricked before chatting much. Shocking, I know. But the chemistry was undeniable and our connection incredible for both of us. And then later we did it again. And then we started talking more than just inuendo and dirty talk. He's a really nice guy for the most part, just as I suspected, and I like him very much. Only I learned he's fucking around. He had previously mentioned it in passing as if he was in an open relationship but this time I had him clarify the situation. Now I know.

    And so now I can't play with him anymore. Damn it. He's freaking stunning. And he likes me. What a tough thing to give up. But I can't put myself in that situation once I'm clear as to the facts. And I can't put myself in that situation among friends either..

    Just curious, why was that an issue? If he is in an open relationship than both parties are ok with it especially if he has a public profile with a face pic and states that. Unless, like me, you prefer single guys?


    That's part of the problem, that he was not in an open relationship. In my situation, it wasn't an online meeting. I haven't met anyone from online since the two phonies I met on AOL in the early years. This shit's just for chat for me. I don't believe any of you are real anyway. I'm convinced you're just computer programs but it satisfies nonetheless my state mandated socializing requirements. We actually met (read: hooked up) in person without the benefit of an online profile. I know it's odd but some of us still do that. Our eyes connected and never let go.

    But I only thought he was in an open relationship on our first meeting either because I was just so taken with him that I didn't mind deluding myself, or English is not his first language when he explained himself or he was being purposely vague about it. Then the second time we met I was still under that presumption and there's this chemistry between us where we just get into it fast. He's a very passionate guy.

    It wasn't until after our second meeting that I fully understood the full story. And so I can't continue that storyline. He is not in an open relationship and I do not care to be part of that deceit.

    Though, yes, I do much prefer single guys even though I've been, by circumstance, not design, in successful, open relationships before where we played with others. Still, I have this quirk about me that even when I get real horny and trick, I do like that illusion that even though I know it's nothing but sex, I like to think that maybe there's a chance for it to be more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 5:01 PM GMT
    Yeah, unless you KNOW it's him, it might be a fake.

    But I'm slightly disturbed by everyone saying MYOB. I hope to God you guys are confusing the term friend with acquaintance. What kind of friends are you people? I don't give a shit if my friends a straight girl, gay guy, lesbian, or straight dude, being cheated on by a hetero, an open gay, a closet case, what the hell does that matter? All that matters is that if a REAL friend of yours, like your best friend, is being cheated on and you're just going to hang around them acting like shit's coming up roses and act like this scumbag/slut isn't cheating on your friend when you know goddamn well that he/she is...well with friends like that, who needs enemies?

    You can be certain that if I found out that a dude's been cheating on me for quite a while, and my best friend knew about it and didn't even give me a HINT that anything was going on, neither of those idiots would be in the picture very long once I found out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 5:03 PM GMT
    Lol awkward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    Possibilities:

    A) He's gay and cheating. If you can know for sure, never mind.
    B) Someone stole his pics and is using his identity for hookups. This is possibly dangerous or bad for his reputation.

    What I'd do: I'd tell him I saw his photos and direct him to the site. Tell him that you believe someone is using his identity.

    How he'll respond: for A) he'll learn to be more discreet. For B) he'll thank you.

    But leave her out of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    charlitos saidI had fake profiles on Adam 4 Adam, Big Muscle, Grindr and even fucking Facebook. I was confronted by my bf a couple of times and I was like wtf is he talking about. Then he felt bad about it when he realized they were fake accounts. I requested the admins of these sites to take these profiles down but that didnt stop it from happening again, so I stopped giving a shit about fakes. So ya, There is a high probability that that might not even be him.


    Wait, so let me get this straight. Your boyfriend felt bad cuz you were on hookup sites posing as other people by using their photos?
    That's all very odd and I don't see why your boyfriend felt bad when you're the one slinking around on hookup sites.


    I think when he said "I" in the first sentence, he was referring to the pictures on the accounts being of him but it wasn't him actually being the account holder so to speak. I think he said "I" in ownership of the pictures, but not the accounts if that explains it a little better.
    I think that's what he meant, not sure though. Maybe he will clarify later.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    Even straight female advice columnists don't automatically go to "tell."

    Here's a Carolyn Hax column (generally I love her) about a similar situation: Friend of bride knows that new husband is cheating, does she tell?

    http://www.dallasnews.com/lifestyles/columnists/carolyn-hax/20100709-Should-I-tell-my-friend-that-169.ece

    The voices in my head think this is an easy one: "TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER."

    In the end, they may be right. Knowing when to disclose bad news is never easy, because these situations almost always fall into one of two camps: (1) the I-can't-believe-my-friend(s)-knew-and-didn't-tell-me camp, and (2) the I-wish-I'd-never-been-told-because-now-I-can't-get-past-it camp.

    Meanwhile, each tell-or-don't-tell situation has a unique set of variables: how close you are to the principal players, how solid your evidence is, how serious the wrongdoing and its potential consequences are, whether the victim subscribes to "ignorance is bliss" or "the truth will set you free," and, to a lesser extent, what you'd want if you were in the victim's position.

    I am aware of how singularly unhelpful I'm being so far.

    Telling your friend may ultimately be your only bearable choice - especially since this so-called friend and other woman is still on the scene.

    Still, anytime we know our words are going to have a devastating impact on someone else's life, we need to speak those words only after we have ruled out every alternative as unrealistic, cowardly, self-interested, paternalistic, dangerous, immoral or cruel.

    This is your best friend. You know her - probably better than anyone else does and possibly better than she knows herself. Would she want to hear it from you, or from him (since forcing his hand is one of your options)? Would she want to know at all? Would she want you to wait till you were confident the affair was still going on?

    If you're still torn after all that, you have this to fall back on: What would you have her do if you were in the exact same awful position? When you sincerely don't know how best to take care of her, it becomes a matter of how best to live with yourself.
  • andrewVonPelt

    Posts: 53

    Dec 28, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    omg thats pretty hilarious! You should hit him up so he knows you're on to him!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    I would make a fake account,seduce him, ask him to send pics to confirm it is him.

    Then if I see it's him, I'd tell him to tell the truth
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    Minding my own business and letting the Universe take it's course.
    What lesson is there in this for you? That's it! Namaste icon_smile.gif