showme saidEven straight female advice columnists don't automatically go to "tell."
Here's a Carolyn Hax column ...each tell-or-don't-tell situation has a unique set of variables: how close you are to the principal players, how solid your evidence is, how serious the wrongdoing and its potential consequences are, whether the victim subscribes to "ignorance is bliss" or "the truth will set you free," ...speak those words only after we have ruled out every alternative as unrealistic, cowardly, self-interested, paternalistic, dangerous, immoral or cruel..
Good post because I was just about to respond to...
IAmTheOneWhoKnocks said... if I found out that a dude's been cheating on me for quite a while, and my best friend knew about it and didn't even give me a HINT that anything was going on, neither of those idiots would be in the picture very long once I found out.
....by noting that you need to look at the other person's intention before concluding to conclude a relationship.
Just as someone might tell you wonderful things with the most selfish of intentions, like complementing your haircut so as to get into your pants, they also might tell you terrible things with the best of intentions or they might tell you something about another person to ruin your relationship with that person or they might tell you nothing to spare your feelings (oh, did you hear that so in so said such 'n such about you).
Between being friends with both sides, having the gay no outing rule to deal with and finding yourself suddenly having knowledge of a situation presents a sticky dilemma. Sometimes there is no good answer, just the least worst answer. I thought the poster Themachine came up with a workable solution.
I've been in these situations twice where I felt doing nothing was the best course of action. Once I was sure I did right, the other not so much.
One time a good friend who was in a multi-year LTR came on to me and I was also friends with his partner. I did not feel sexually attracted to either and wouldn't have acted upon it had I. It was an awkward evening. I didn't let anything happen. I never said anything because I felt this was a one time thing and I did not want to hurt their relationship. Now it turned out, and I think so because of the timing of it, that he felt so uncomfortable afterwards that he then ruined our relationship but that's another story.
Another time I was friends with a guy for more than 10 years when his new lover came onto me. I didn't let anything happen there either but I kept my eye on this guy after that. I didn't say anything because my friend was not very good at developing intimate relationships. And I felt if there was any chance for him to have an LTR, I just wanted that for him. I didn't keep information from him in trying to hurt but to help him, whether or not I was right or wrong to do that.
And I am a little ashamed at the relief I felt when that relationship shortly thereafter broke up for other reasons. Because I was not clear if I acted properly even though I know my intentions were good. I was just uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Principles do help guide us through dilemma. But principles also set up these dilemmas. You want your friends to be honest with you. But you can hurt people with honesty.A truth that’s told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent