My girl friend's boyfriend is on gay hookup websites...

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    Dec 28, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    King_Simba saidSo I was checking a different Gay social websites and I discovered that one of my close girl friend's boyfriend is on this website and on his profile he is listed as gay as opposed to bi. He hasn't logged in for almost a month and I am not 100% sure about my girl friend and his relationship/sex agreement.

    The guy and I are coworkers and he doesn't have a face pic on the profile but the profile is either him or someone who stole his facebook picture and blocked out his face and used it for a profile pic.

    If it were me and my friend found this out, I would want to know but by telling her I would also be outing this guy and fucking with his life.

    What would you do?


    Do you know this guy? May be you can approach him and ask first before talking to your girl friend?
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    Dec 28, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    showme saidEven straight female advice columnists don't automatically go to "tell."

    Here's a Carolyn Hax column ...each tell-or-don't-tell situation has a unique set of variables: how close you are to the principal players, how solid your evidence is, how serious the wrongdoing and its potential consequences are, whether the victim subscribes to "ignorance is bliss" or "the truth will set you free," ...speak those words only after we have ruled out every alternative as unrealistic, cowardly, self-interested, paternalistic, dangerous, immoral or cruel..


    Good post because I was just about to respond to...

    IAmTheOneWhoKnocks said... if I found out that a dude's been cheating on me for quite a while, and my best friend knew about it and didn't even give me a HINT that anything was going on, neither of those idiots would be in the picture very long once I found out.

    ....by noting that you need to look at the other person's intention before concluding to conclude a relationship.

    Just as someone might tell you wonderful things with the most selfish of intentions, like complementing your haircut so as to get into your pants, they also might tell you terrible things with the best of intentions or they might tell you something about another person to ruin your relationship with that person or they might tell you nothing to spare your feelings (oh, did you hear that so in so said such 'n such about you).

    Between being friends with both sides, having the gay no outing rule to deal with and finding yourself suddenly having knowledge of a situation presents a sticky dilemma. Sometimes there is no good answer, just the least worst answer. I thought the poster Themachine came up with a workable solution.

    I've been in these situations twice where I felt doing nothing was the best course of action. Once I was sure I did right, the other not so much.

    One time a good friend who was in a multi-year LTR came on to me and I was also friends with his partner. I did not feel sexually attracted to either and wouldn't have acted upon it had I. It was an awkward evening. I didn't let anything happen. I never said anything because I felt this was a one time thing and I did not want to hurt their relationship. Now it turned out, and I think so because of the timing of it, that he felt so uncomfortable afterwards that he then ruined our relationship but that's another story.

    Another time I was friends with a guy for more than 10 years when his new lover came onto me. I didn't let anything happen there either but I kept my eye on this guy after that. I didn't say anything because my friend was not very good at developing intimate relationships. And I felt if there was any chance for him to have an LTR, I just wanted that for him. I didn't keep information from him in trying to hurt but to help him, whether or not I was right or wrong to do that.

    And I am a little ashamed at the relief I felt when that relationship shortly thereafter broke up for other reasons. Because I was not clear if I acted properly even though I know my intentions were good. I was just uncomfortable with the whole thing.

    Principles do help guide us through dilemma. But principles also set up these dilemmas. You want your friends to be honest with you. But you can hurt people with honesty.

    A truth that’s told with bad intent
    Beats all the lies you can invent
    .~~William Blake
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:14 AM GMT
    AWKWARD !! :p
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:28 PM GMT
    waterloonicetop said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    NerdMonastery said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    charlitos saidI had fake profiles on Adam 4 Adam, Big Muscle, Grindr and even fucking Facebook. I was confronted by my bf a couple of times and I was like wtf is he talking about. Then he felt bad about it when he realized they were fake accounts.

    Ah gotcha. That sounds better. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

    icon_redface.gif


    I read it the exact same way...but Was angry about it and figured it out before moving on. English is a horrible language sometimes.


    English is a wonderful language (as are many others). The problem usually lies in its' users' (sometimes temporary) ability to convey their ideas.
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    This is a difficult one to judge.

    I think really it's best to not mention anything. You're either not fully aware of all the ins and outs of their relationship and if he himself isn't ready to come out then it's not fair to force him to do so.
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    Jan 01, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    The solution is below. Here is the breakdown.

    1.) You're concerned about a FRIEND (not just an acquaintance). Friend's should be looking out for each other.
    2.) You're trying to help, not "get into their business" as many replies have suggested by the "mind your own business" solution. If you were just trying to find out if he was gay and all the dirt on him, I'd say MYOB, but you're trying to help, so MYOB is trumped by "help your friend".
    3.) You weren't snooping. You legitimately "accidentally" saw this guy on a site and you can tell it his him or just his photo, based on the features in the background of the photo. So, you have a legitimate concern since this is a hookup site and this is the same as seeing him somewhere that could cause distress for your friend like at a prostitutes house, drug alley, gang, republican national convention, touching allover another girl at a bar, etc.. It's a hookup site for goodness sake! You have concern for your friend! Could he be innocent? Sure. Does the possibility of innocence mean you don't have to act? No way. Does a bond of friendship give you a duty to help your friend? Absolutely.
    4.) So, we know you should help your friend. What's the best way?
    5.) Option 1: Do nothing.. Ask yourself how you would feel if your girl friend saw your boyfriend doing the same and she said nothing. That would be awkward. Sure, she may never knew you knew. But, you do. And you will have to live with that. It's basically a lie: I know something you don't know and you believe that I don't know but I'm pretending that I don't know. It's a lie. It feels weird because it's disingenuous.
    6.) Option 2: Talk to him. I kind of like this option, except if he denies it or says "so?" then you're stuck. You'll eventually have to talk to your girlfriend. So, option 2 could potentially fail and isn't the direct route.
    7.) Option 3: talk to your girlfriend Clearly, this is the best option. Why? Because you are acting out of the concern for someone. You can do this tactfully. Something like "Hey girfriend, I just wanted to let you know that I happened to see your boyfriend's picture on a gay hookup site. I'm concerned for you and wanted to be honest with you. It's none of my business, so we don't have to talk about it. And, I certainly won't tell anyone what I saw (anonymous post on RJ doesn't count since noone can be identified). But, I just wanted to let you know in case you needed my help or were having trouble in the relationship.
    8.) Option 4: Indirectly rouse her suspicions to "alert her". . You might be thinking "ok, I can see that I have an obligation to help her, but I don't want to get "involved" so I'll just do it indirectly like send her a secret note, or just explore the site with her and then be "suprised" when you see his profile accidentally together, or say something like "do you think your boyfriend is bi-curious". These are bad because, again, they're disingenuous approaches. Adding more lies or half-truths will only complicate the situation. Take the direct, mature route: Talk to her tactfully.

    Problem solved. Talk to her tactfully. It is the right thing to do.
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    Jan 01, 2013 10:12 PM GMT
    Send her an anonymous email screenshot of his profile and let them figure it out. Closeted men are notorious for having unprotected sex and passing disease to their unsuspecting girlfriend.
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    Jan 03, 2013 9:41 PM GMT
    Jay_Goya saidSend her an anonymous email screenshot of his profile and let them figure it out. Closeted men are notorious for having unprotected sex and passing disease to their unsuspecting girlfriend.


    sad but true, Grandma used to say "people living a double life cause twice as many problems."

    For a little real life perspective, I have a patient who has contracted HPV from a cheating partner. While not directly life threatening, she is now at a higher risk for certain types of cancer, has to worry about passing this on to future partners and maybe her unborn children. When I posed this topic to her, she stated unequivocally that she wished someone had warned her. Now the MYOB crowd may say "well, d'uh... of course she says that now", but that's the point of this whole topic. We should offer protection before it's needed, not after. The OP's friend may turn on him out of anger or denial if he reveals what he knows to her, but you don't do the right thing because it's easy or convenient. You do it because it's the right thing to do.
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    Jan 03, 2013 9:45 PM GMT
    I swear I posted something here...

    Oh well, none of my business. icon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gif
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    Jan 03, 2013 9:52 PM GMT
    I already had sex with him and it wasn't that big. Plus, it was just awful. He will figure out that he's straight soon enough.
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    Jan 03, 2013 10:04 PM GMT
    I say talk to him first. In case it is him you might be the person which might help him finally talk openly about his sexuality and do him a big favour this way. And if he's not willing to talk about it, then tell it to her.
  • surfnski

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    Nov 05, 2013 10:43 PM GMT
    klobasnik has it right!

    This thread reminds me of someone I met years ago whose BF was supposedly NEG, they were supposedly monogamous and the guy's best friend found out the BF was fucking around. Wasn't too long till the BF and my acquaintance found they were POZ. Who thinks the best friend should have "stayed out of it" as he did?

    Yes, the pic may be stolen and the ad may belong to someone else.
    Yes, if you are a REAL friend of the woman, it DOES involve you. Otherwise, how can you call yourself a "friend?"

    An honorable thing is to tell the BF you've found something that he should be aware of. If someone's stolen his pic, you're doing him a favor. If it's his, maybe you'll help him raise his integrity level.

    It's clear that many people have all sorts of ways to justify the gutless response of avoiding "inconvenient truths" like this.
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    Nov 05, 2013 10:53 PM GMT
    klobasnik saidI say talk to him first. In case it is him you might be the person which might help him finally talk openly about his sexuality and do him a big favour this way. And if he's not willing to talk about it, then tell it to her.

    This is the right way to go. Definitely not the girl first.
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:03 PM GMT
    hook up with him and see how gay he really is...........
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:08 PM GMT
    hahas I remember this thread. It almost seemed like there was an unwritten code that girl(friends) do not deserve any loyalty from gay men hahas. Quite a shame
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:12 PM GMT

    Guys are going to tell you NO and I would agree, but if you have girlfriends, you should custom your behavior a little after theirs and if the stiletto were on the other foot - YOU WOULD KNOW PROMPTLY - because she'd tell you.

    Case in point, I was in a relationship and he was out of town - our relationship[was on the rocks, but the kids [his friends) didn't know]. I went to the grocery store with a male friend and she saw us (truth is we were shopping for more than baby carrots - but she didn't know that). Bitch didn't even wait till morning, she called my ex boyfriend to be right away, that night, I think before she left the store.

    If someone is going to be that loyal to me, in their case, I'd be as loyal.



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    Nov 05, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    Guys are going to tell you NO and I would agree, but if you have girlfriends, you should custom your behavior a little after theirs and if the stiletto were on the other foot - YOU WOULD KNOW PROMPTLY - because she'd tell you.

    Case in point, I was in a relationship and he was out of town - our relationship[was on the rocks, but the kids [his friend's) didn't know]. I went to the grocery store with a male friend and she saw us (truth is we were shopping for more than baby carrots - but she didn't know that). Bitch didn't even wait till morning, she called my ex boyfriend to be right away, that night, I think before she left the store.

    If someone is going to be that loyal to me, in their case, I'd be as loyal.





    OMG you called a broad a bitch.
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:26 PM GMT

    OMG, you called a bitch a broad. icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:29 PM GMT
    OK. Isn't this all a trick. Your girlfriend's boyfriend is you. You are on the gay site RJ. You are the cheater.

    #quest_super_sleuth
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:38 PM GMT
    Rockbiter saidThe solution is below. Here is the breakdown.

    1.) You're concerned about a FRIEND (not just an acquaintance). Friend's should be looking out for each other.
    2.) You're trying to help, not "get into their business" as many replies have suggested by the "mind your own business" solution. If you were just trying to find out if he was gay and all the dirt on him, I'd say MYOB, but you're trying to help, so MYOB is trumped by "help your friend".
    3.) You weren't snooping. You legitimately "accidentally" saw this guy on a site and you can tell it his him or just his photo, based on the features in the background of the photo. So, you have a legitimate concern since this is a hookup site and this is the same as seeing him somewhere that could cause distress for your friend like at a prostitutes house, drug alley, gang, republican national convention, touching allover another girl at a bar, etc.. It's a hookup site for goodness sake! You have concern for your friend! Could he be innocent? Sure. Does the possibility of innocence mean you don't have to act? No way. Does a bond of friendship give you a duty to help your friend? Absolutely.
    4.) So, we know you should help your friend. What's the best way?
    5.) Option 1: Do nothing.. Ask yourself how you would feel if your girl friend saw your boyfriend doing the same and she said nothing. That would be awkward. Sure, she may never knew you knew. But, you do. And you will have to live with that. It's basically a lie: I know something you don't know and you believe that I don't know but I'm pretending that I don't know. It's a lie. It feels weird because it's disingenuous.
    6.) Option 2: Talk to him. I kind of like this option, except if he denies it or says "so?" then you're stuck. You'll eventually have to talk to your girlfriend. So, option 2 could potentially fail and isn't the direct route.
    7.) Option 3: talk to your girlfriend Clearly, this is the best option. Why? Because you are acting out of the concern for someone. You can do this tactfully. Something like "Hey girfriend, I just wanted to let you know that I happened to see your boyfriend's picture on a gay hookup site. I'm concerned for you and wanted to be honest with you. It's none of my business, so we don't have to talk about it. And, I certainly won't tell anyone what I saw (anonymous post on RJ doesn't count since noone can be identified). But, I just wanted to let you know in case you needed my help or were having trouble in the relationship.
    8.) Option 4: Indirectly rouse her suspicions to "alert her". . You might be thinking "ok, I can see that I have an obligation to help her, but I don't want to get "involved" so I'll just do it indirectly like send her a secret note, or just explore the site with her and then be "suprised" when you see his profile accidentally together, or say something like "do you think your boyfriend is bi-curious". These are bad because, again, they're disingenuous approaches. Adding more lies or half-truths will only complicate the situation. Take the direct, mature route: Talk to her tactfully.

    Problem solved. Talk to her tactfully. It is the right thing to do.



    Wow......someone here actually has empathy and concern!
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    Nov 05, 2013 11:45 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Rockbiter saidThe solution is below. Here is the breakdown.

    1.) You're concerned about a FRIEND (not just an acquaintance). Friend's should be looking out for each other.
    2.) You're trying to help, not "get into their business" as many replies have suggested by the "mind your own business" solution. If you were just trying to find out if he was gay and all the dirt on him, I'd say MYOB, but you're trying to help, so MYOB is trumped by "help your friend".
    3.) You weren't snooping. You legitimately "accidentally" saw this guy on a site and you can tell it his him or just his photo, based on the features in the background of the photo. So, you have a legitimate concern since this is a hookup site and this is the same as seeing him somewhere that could cause distress for your friend like at a prostitutes house, drug alley, gang, republican national convention, touching allover another girl at a bar, etc.. It's a hookup site for goodness sake! You have concern for your friend! Could he be innocent? Sure. Does the possibility of innocence mean you don't have to act? No way. Does a bond of friendship give you a duty to help your friend? Absolutely.
    4.) So, we know you should help your friend. What's the best way?
    5.) Option 1: Do nothing.. Ask yourself how you would feel if your girl friend saw your boyfriend doing the same and she said nothing. That would be awkward. Sure, she may never knew you knew. But, you do. And you will have to live with that. It's basically a lie: I know something you don't know and you believe that I don't know but I'm pretending that I don't know. It's a lie. It feels weird because it's disingenuous.
    6.) Option 2: Talk to him. I kind of like this option, except if he denies it or says "so?" then you're stuck. You'll eventually have to talk to your girlfriend. So, option 2 could potentially fail and isn't the direct route.
    7.) Option 3: talk to your girlfriend Clearly, this is the best option. Why? Because you are acting out of the concern for someone. You can do this tactfully. Something like "Hey girfriend, I just wanted to let you know that I happened to see your boyfriend's picture on a gay hookup site. I'm concerned for you and wanted to be honest with you. It's none of my business, so we don't have to talk about it. And, I certainly won't tell anyone what I saw (anonymous post on RJ doesn't count since noone can be identified). But, I just wanted to let you know in case you needed my help or were having trouble in the relationship.
    8.) Option 4: Indirectly rouse her suspicions to "alert her". . You might be thinking "ok, I can see that I have an obligation to help her, but I don't want to get "involved" so I'll just do it indirectly like send her a secret note, or just explore the site with her and then be "suprised" when you see his profile accidentally together, or say something like "do you think your boyfriend is bi-curious". These are bad because, again, they're disingenuous approaches. Adding more lies or half-truths will only complicate the situation. Take the direct, mature route: Talk to her tactfully.

    Problem solved. Talk to her tactfully. It is the right thing to do.



    Wow......someone here actually has empathy and concern!



    Lol really? no it can't be icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 06, 2013 12:16 AM GMT
    NerdMonastery saidHopefully I don't get flamed for this, but I don't think the point is about having him come out or not but the fact that he's sleeping around with other people (whether it's men or women) behind your friend's back.
    I'm sorry but for me that's the same as witnessing a crime and not reporting it, you may as well have egged it on.

    How would you feel if you found out on your own that your partner was cheating on you, and then you found out a close friend of yours knew a while back and didn't tell you?
    Maybe it's just me but whatever consequences comes from his actions, the onus is not on your friend or you, but on him because he brought on himself.
    You do stupid things, then expect stupid things to come from it.

    I suppose you'd have to check if your girlfriend already knows somehow. Some people have open relationships like that.
    You said he hasn't logged on in a while so maybe he was just scoping and not actually hooking up with people. It depends and I guess without going into super investigator mode, only time will tell.
    If you really think she doesn't have any clue and that in her mind the relationship is monogamous, and that you do suspect he is in fact sleeping with other people, then if it were me I'd say something out of decency and not because you, for lack of a better word, meddle for the sake of meddling.

    You should certainly break the news privately and with a good amount of grace, but in this circumstance I don't think it's really just as simple as "minding your own business" because it's not like you were suspicious from the start and investigated, you came across this by chance and, if it were me, I think a person deserves to know when they are being deceived.

    How bad would you feel if she didn't know about this til ages later and then is massively heart broken, when you could have potentially saved a greater heart ache. I know it sounds very 'sainthood' and I'm not saying it's your 'role or responsibility', but in a sense it kind of inadvertantly became a little bit your business by chance because you stumbled across it and not because it's your sole 'duty' to be a protector or something like that.

    In saying all that, this is all speculation of course. I wouldn't do anything until I had more concrete "evidence" so to speak. Now the thing I'm not sure about myself is if you should investigate this further discretely or not. Again, I say that only because I know people would see that as awfully prying, but again if you were to try find out more I don't think you'd be doing it just because but out of genuine concern for your friend.

    That's just me and again if it helps to avoid any arguments, I do sincerely apologise if I upset people, I just thought to give my 2 cents on the matter.






    I agree with the jist of this, hes cheating...so show her the profile and then step back and let them work it out.
  • chadwick1985

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    Nov 06, 2013 12:31 AM GMT
    Does this guy know you are gay? If so mention you saw his picture on a profile and ask him about it. Either you will find out he is secretly gay / bi or someone stole his pictures.

    Having a profile on a gay dating site doesn't mean he is sleeping around with someone. I don't hook up but I have a couple profiles on a couple gay dating / hookup sites.