How do you initiate a kiss?

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  Sep 22, 2008 1:33 PM GMT

  So a couple friends and I ended up in an odd conversation the other day (I guess this happens when you don't get out much).
  
  The question was, "How do you initiate a kiss on the first date?"
  
  Suggestions included "Just lean in and hope" and "When you hug pull him into a kiss."
  
  This then shifted to a discussion about who was supposed to do the initiation. Some said whoever wanted it, others said no it should be the one who wanted to be the "top" etc.
  
  Thoughts?
  
  I hadn't expected it to be as diverse in opinion as it was, so I thought I'd ask here and see what people thought/did.

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• Timbales
  
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  Sep 22, 2008 1:50 PM GMT

  For me it's a slow lean in after looking at his mouth.

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:00 PM GMT

  Timberoo saidFor me it's a slow lean in after looking at his mouth.

  
  
  And hope he cues on what you're doing?

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:26 PM GMT

  I've been sitting here thinking about this for a few minutes. I feel like there are a lot of subtle, non-verbal cues that tell me when a guy wants to be kissed.
  
  For me, a first kiss usually happens at the end of a date that went particularly well. Usually there are signs throughout the date. He might brush up against me a lot, or finds excuses to come in contact with me (my hand might linger on his waist when I gesture for him to come walk with me, his hand might linger on my arm); or I might see him looking me up and down, or whatever.
  
  Then, when saying goodbye, I can usually tell if he's ready for / expecting a kiss. (He usually expects me to initiate it, for some reason) But there are differences: we stand a little closer together when saying our goodbyes, there is a moment's hesitation after saying the actual words during which we are just smiling and making eye contact. That's the point where I just step forward, usually put my arm on his waist or bring him closer to me by putting my hand on his lower back, and kiss him.

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:26 PM GMT

  I've just always gone in for a kiss. If it wasn't meant to be...oh well. Not to brag or anything...ok...I'm bragging...but I've never been turned down a kiss. I'll usually look the guy in the eye intently, slowly move in, and when he closes his eyes...GO IN FOR THE KILL!

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:27 PM GMT

  DiverScience saidSome said whoever wanted it, others said no it should be the one who wanted to be the "top" etc.
  

  
  
  
  
  Wow! DivSci, I realize that it you didn't take credit or that suggestion. But my first reaction to this OP was, guys haven't even gotten a kiss and they are setting up "roles."
  
  Timberoo, I agree with you, if I'm on a date that is going well, and I feel like kissing the guy, then I'm going to make a move, and look for his signs to determine how to go. That's when the heart starts pounding, the excitement of discovering how the other guy feels as well, not just about you, but intimacy in general.
  
  XOXO, or xoxo, or xxxx, or x, or "oh never mind."

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:30 PM GMT

  GregStevensTX saidI've been sitting here thinking about this for a few minutes. I feel like there are a lot of subtle, non-verbal cues that tell me when a guy wants to be kissed.
  
  For me, a first kiss usually happens at the end of a date that went particularly well. Usually there are signs throughout the date. He might brush up against me a lot, or finds excuses to come in contact with me (my hand might linger on his waist when I gesture for him to come walk with me, his hand might linger on my arm); or I might see him looking me up and down, or whatever.
  
  Then, when saying goodbye, I can usually tell if he's ready for / expecting a kiss. (He usually expects me to initiate it, for some reason) But there are differences: we stand a little closer together when saying our goodbyes, there is a moment's hesitation after saying the actual words during which we are just smiling and making eye contact. That's the point where I just step forward, usually put my arm on his waist or bring him closer to me by putting my hand on his lower back, and kiss him.

  
  
  ::nods:: Sounds logical. Some of my friends seemed to think it was far more... calculated. Your version sounds much more romantic.

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:45 PM GMT

  Aquanerd: The roles issue is complex. My person view is that there is nothing wrong with establishing some roles in a relationship as long as they are not too rigid, too proscribed by just one person in the relationship, and as long as they are not used as a way for one (or both) to make excuses for hypocrasy or inequality in the relationship.
  
  I've gotten used to and comfortable with the fact that I'm expected to make the first move, romantically and sexually, by a lot of people. (probably related to the whole "top" thing.) I have no problem with that. HOWEVER, I've dated guys who have had the attitude that (sexually) I have to do all kinds of romantic things to them in the mood, while they expect me to be ready to fuck them any time they are ready to get fucked and if I'm "not in the mood" then there is something wrong with ME. *that* kind of role hypocrasy is just annoying.

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  Sep 22, 2008 2:51 PM GMT

  All good advice above - and here's what I do:
  
  Look into his eyes, smile, then lean in closer - slowly. Now - try some casual touching - for intimacy. Tilt your head, moisten your lips, close your eyes - and go for the kiss - proceed until you reach an impasse. Don't release too soon - and when you do - look into his eyes again, smile to let him know you liked it.

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  Sep 22, 2008 3:22 PM GMT

  Jockbod48 saidAll good advice above - and here's what I do:
  
  . Don't release too soon - and when you do - look into his eyes again, smile to let him know you liked it.

  
  
  Unless of course...you didn't like it. In this case, look into his eyes, make a sour face, and then, scream "YUK!!!!!!!"

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  Sep 22, 2008 3:24 PM GMT

  Aquanerd said
  Wow! DivSci, I realize that it you didn't take credit or that suggestion. But my first reaction to this OP was, guys haven't even gotten a kiss and they are setting up "roles."

  
  
  I thought that assertion was rather silly myself. But apparently some people thought that it was disingenuous not too. That waiting for it was too "passive" and would set up the expectation that you'd be the passive partner in any sexual interaction as well.
  

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  Sep 22, 2008 3:25 PM GMT

  I went on a date recently (ok, nothing new there) and I thought I was getting on well with him. We're chatting, having a drink, more chatting, casually touching each other's arms, yada yada yada.
  
  So, I think, this is it, it's time, I'll go in for the kill.
  
  I look into his eyes, I smile, I lean over to kiss him... and he turns away.
  
  Yep, it was my very own Princess Diana moment. I felt pretty stupid after that, thinking how did I read the signs so wrong. Anyway, we've not been in touch since. Win some you lose some.

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  Sep 22, 2008 3:26 PM GMT

  silverfox1 said
  Unless of course...you didn't like it. In this case, look into his eyes, make a sour face, and then, scream "YUK!!!!!!!"

  
  
  
  "YOU GAVE ME GAY COOTIES!"

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  Sep 22, 2008 3:41 PM GMT

  Today I have learnt that if you initiate the first kiss then you are the top. Hmm. Interesting.
  
  And if you don't initiate anything then you get a text message asking you whether you're interested or not. Hmm. These things are never easy as ABC.

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:12 PM GMT

  Play gay chicken with someone who doesn't know I'm gay and what I do to chickens.

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:13 PM GMT

  It's simple -- I just lean in close and ask "Can I kiss you?" -- works like a charm

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:32 PM GMT

  GregStevensTX said HOWEVER, I've dated guys who have had the attitude that (sexually) I have to do all kinds of romantic things to them in the mood, while they expect me to be ready to fuck them any time they are ready to get fucked and if I'm "not in the mood" then there is something wrong with ME. *that* kind of role hypocrasy is just annoying.

  
  
  I agree there has to be give-and-take no matter what the given "roles" might be. I can be hard-to-get and definitely hard to read - it works for me in a lot of ways because it leaves guys wanting to know more - but I've learned that it does require me to often make the first move. Guys don't want to be rejected or have their egos shot down. And the fact it is, if I'm going to be a little bit of a mystery, then I have to pony up at key points along the way and let him know how I'm feeling. It sucks because I am shy but also kind of exciting.
  
  As far as when...you just know. If it comes time to say goodbye and neither one is definitively moving to leave and you're both looking at each other, well...

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:38 PM GMT

  Kissing: if I have to think about it first, then I'm not sufficiently motivated. And if I'm sufficiently motivated, then it happens before I can think about it. At least in a romantic situation, as opposed to social kisses.
  
  A slightly related personal anecdote about initiating a kiss: I was in deep denial until age 45, convinced that I was straight. But beginning at about 43, a very strange thing started happening to me.
  
  I'd be sitting in a military staff meeting, most of the other senior officers around the conference table being men. At some lull in the meeting I'd find myself staring at the man next to me, studying his face in profile.
  
  And then, without warning, I'd involuntarily lunge at him to give him a kiss!!! I always managed to catch myself before I'd gone more than a few inches towards the guy, and I never actually touched anyone. My career would have ended that second if I had.
  
  The first time it happened I was totally stunned. "What the hell was THAT?" I thought to myself. "I was actually going to kiss him!" When it happened again at some later meeting I got really scared, having no explanation for what was going on, why it was happening like a knee-jerk reaction without warning, and knowing the great danger I was placing myself in.
  
  My little "spasms" were finally noticed one day, but I had already prepared an explanation, one of several about dropping my pen or something, or reaching for the water carafe. I was never called on it.
  
  Within 6 months of my retirement at 45 I came out; you might even say I rushed out. And I wonder if that strange behavior, which has never again occurred, was caused by the mounting gay pressure inside of me.
  
  I still don't know what it was all about, and in sharing this story before, others tell me they've never heard of such a thing. Maybe I was just having my own personal psychotic moments, who knows. Anyone on RJ ever hear of this?
  
  
  

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:43 PM GMT

  muchmorethanmuscle saidA big confidence booster for me is to go on first dates with my nifty miniaturized version of a seal clubber. After I club them over the head they're pretty much unconscious and then I go and make my move. I've never had anyone reject me thus far.

  
  
  Do these guys also have those big, black seal eyes? How COULD you! LOL!

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:48 PM GMT

  CuriousJockAZ saidIt's simple -- I just lean in close and ask "Can I kiss you?" -- works like a charm

  
  Just exactly what I did on a date last night! Unfortunately, I don't think things will work out with the guy, but at least it was fun!

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:49 PM GMT

  CuriousJockAZ saidIt's simple -- I just lean in close and ask "Can I kiss you?" -- works like a charm

  
  
  Wow Curious... finally we see eye to eye on something LOL. This is what I do as well. I dont do well with signs and games and all that crap so I simply ask if I can get a kiss. As Curious stated "works like a charm".

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  Sep 22, 2008 4:50 PM GMT

  Red_Vespa-- that's insane! I've definitely felt a pair of invisible hands pushing on my back before (how did I know they were invisible?), but mine were gentle, never any out-and-out shoving. But I also remember it being much stronger before I was out. Does that happen to you anymore?

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• dfrourke
  
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  Sep 22, 2008 4:57 PM GMT

  
  If it is the first time...I simply ask "would you mind if I kissed you?"...never been rejected...
  
  - David

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  Sep 22, 2008 5:05 PM GMT

  gumbosolo saidRed_Vespa-- that's insane! I've definitely felt a pair of invisible hands pushing on my back before (how did I know they were invisible?), but mine were gentle, never any out-and-out shoving. But I also remember it being much stronger before I was out. Does that happen to you anymore?

  
  
  No, never. Not this involuntary impulse thing I described above, that ended when I came out. Which is why I speculated about a cause-and-effect thing, related to my repressed sexuality. But I have no idea if such a thing really exists. That's why I invited comments, to learn if anyone else has experienced this.
  
  And your description of what I experienced as a "shove" is very accurate -- that's exactly what it was, and without any warning. It took all my self-control & reflexes to catch myself, before I'd kissed my career into the toilet.

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  Sep 22, 2008 5:12 PM GMT

  i don't like when people ask, i think that's odd. Or if they don't ask, they make the statement i'm going to kiss you now" i think its really weird.
  
  I normally am never the one to make the first move, as i'm normally timid at first with a new guy, but i try to warm up quickly and become real open. I have turned down a couple guys for a first kiss, i wanted just to be friends and it wasn't necessarily a real 'date' but you can tell when they expect it.
  
  If you have real chemistry with the person, you'll know you can then kiss them.. initiating it isn't too hard of a problem either, first kiss i tend to just give them a little sample to allow them to come back for more

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