How early do you expect to be told?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 08, 2013 6:55 PM GMT
    art90 saidI agree, don't give up HIV- guys. It's a deep conversation, but sounds like you are handling it welll, and other guys here have good avice.

    This article is old on RJ, but there are some videos on YouTube about the drug, and it looks like we are getting even closer to preventing HIV contraction. Plus safe sex practice, and it seems like being a pos/neg couple is possile.

    http://www.realjock.com/article/2003




    I was interested to learn that Truvada is used as a preventative (sorta) for HIV. I was started on Truvada and Reyetaz as treatment for HIV. Seems to work extremely well for me. Thanks for the link to the article Art.
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:12 PM GMT
    rlynnc said
    bgcat57 saidBesides, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you because of this.


    No, I wouldn't want to be with someone. Which is why I've started bringing up the subject early. Like I said most the guys have been extremely negative about it, and I'd rather get hurt early on then wait till it really stings.

    You are doing it right.

    Just as others have said, you don't need to introduce yourself as HIV+. It is on a need to know basis. Just as how much money you make is on a need to know basis. If things are likely to get sexual, then disclose. As you said better to find out early how he feels rather than invest time an emotion and really get hurt.

    Keep in mind a lot of those neg guys that turn you down will happily have sex with random guys of whom they might know his first name or less. Even though that random guy might be a liar or might me under the wrong impression of his status. Thats just the way most guys are.

    Should they ask? yes, if it is a concern. but if they are going to play safe then is there a point to asking?.. thats for another discussion, i guess..

    Here in Canada the law changed a few months ago. If a person is undetectable and practices safer sex, he doesn't have to disclose. Just fyi.
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    rlynnc said
    bgcat57 saidBesides, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you because of this.


    No, I wouldn't want to be with someone. Which is why I've started bringing up the subject early. Like I said most the guys have been extremely negative about it, and I'd rather get hurt early on then wait till it really stings.

    You are doing it right.

    Just as others have said, you don't need to introduce yourself as HIV+. It is on a need to know basis. Just as how much money you make is on a need to know basis. If things are likely to get sexual, then disclose. As you said better to find out early how he feels rather than invest time an emotion and really get hurt.

    Keep in mind a lot of those neg guys that turn you down will happily have sex with random guys of whom they might know his first name or less. Even though that random guy might be a liar or might me under the wrong impression of his status. Thats just the way most guys are.

    Should they ask? yes, if it is on concern. but if they are going to play safe then is there a point to asking?.. thats for another discussion, i guess..

    Here in Canada the law changed a few months ago. If a person is undetectable and practices safer sex, he doesn't have to disclose. Just fyi.


    This. I would rather get to know the guy as a human first. I don't ask about any other health issues or other deeply personal issues on a first date. If you are interested is carrying it on, then it should be discussed. There are so many great poz guys out there that are never given the chance at being loved because of this very issue. It's a really hard thing, but it really is up to the two involved.
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidFor me personally I honestly don't care. Yeah it would be nice to know, but there's so much more that you can do with another man outside of dick in the butt. And I'm not even considering fetishes.


    Creative (and kinda hawt)
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:29 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said ..If a person is undetectable and practices safer sex, he doesn't have to disclose. Just fyi.


    I've actually noticed some positive guys who are undetectable don't feel a need to disclose. I understand the reasoning behind why. I still feel it needs to be discussed. Even if the risk is lower in a healthy undetectable person... I dislike when I hear of guys doing that. It doesn't seem right to me. Maybe I'm a little more sensitive about possibly harming another person.
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:31 PM GMT
    rlynnc said
    TellMeMoar said ..If a person is undetectable and practices safer sex, he doesn't have to disclose. Just fyi.


    I've actually noticed some positive guys who are undetectable don't feel a need to disclose. I understand the reasoning behind why. I still feel it needs to be discussed. Even if the risk is lower in a healthy undetectable person... I dislike when I hear of guys doing that. It doesn't seem right to me. Maybe I'm a little more sensitive about possibly harming another person.


    You are right, even though they are healthy and undetectable under meds for a certain amount of years there has not been a study yet that says it can be passed on, quite the opposite. However, it is still inconclusive, so I say it would be good for a poz guy to disclose before sex. But hell, give men a chance if you're neg. There are many many poz+neg couples out there that are so in love.....
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:36 PM GMT
    Roguewave said
    But hell, give men a chance if you're neg. There are many many poz+neg couples out there that are so in love.....




    I don't think I would turn down someone who is negative... I think I would just need a longer courtship (damn old world terms) then i'm use to, to be sure of the relationship and the connection to him.
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    Jan 08, 2013 7:46 PM GMT
    rlynnc said
    TellMeMoar said ..If a person is undetectable and practices safer sex, he doesn't have to disclose. Just fyi.


    I've actually noticed some positive guys who are undetectable don't feel a need to disclose. I understand the reasoning behind why. I still feel it needs to be discussed. Even if the risk is lower in a healthy undetectable person... I dislike when I hear of guys doing that. It doesn't seem right to me. Maybe I'm a little more sensitive about possibly harming another person.

    You can disclose if you want to but you don't have to (if undetectable and play safe) here in Canada. I mentioned that as another point to someone else who posted in this thread saying that it is a criminal offense not to disclose. And that might very well be where you live. Also in a relationship I'd be all for disclosing upfront before things got serious.

    So for discussion sake, if you got into a car with a friend who was driving and he smoked a joint or had a drink but was under the legal limit, would you consider it necessary for him to disclose to you? because he would be putting your life at risk no matter how minimal. Similarly if you were the driver would you disclose if you were under the influence to all the passengers to give them the option to get out of the car?
  • EricLA

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    Jan 08, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    I think I'm in the majority here, but I don't think you need to reveal your status from the absolute get go if you don't want to. If you're initially just getting to know someone and there's no chemistry, why do they need to have such intimate medical knowledge about you?

    Someone brought up wanting to know even before it got to kissing. I would say this is about the point the conversation should happen, but I'd be okay it following kissing than needing to happen before.

    It's easy for those of us without HIV to say we want to know upfront before we invest any energy in someone, but I think that puts an unfair burden on the HIV+ person. They're going to experience enough rejection as it is. I wouldn't hold it against someone for telling me on the third date. I also don't hold it against someone who is open with her status on their dating profiles. Either way, I'm playing it safe sexually.

    All the best!
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    Jan 08, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    There's a balance between getting to know somebody, and the time to have "the conversation".

    Earlier is better. It's a maturity filter.
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    Jan 08, 2013 10:36 PM GMT
    How long before I like to be told?

    I think when I show an obvious interest in being more than friends with somebody. Sooner than that doesn't hurt, and its commendable, but later than that I think its just not cool, because there might be time before anything sexual happens, but there is still time where certain feelings might develop and then to be hit with the information, and it breaks everything down.

    I'm not opposed to dating HIV+ guys, as I am well aware that there are ways of engaging in a relationship with such a person without actual threat to your own health. But I would be more appreciative and interested in entertaining the idea of something serious with this person if they tell me as soon as possible.

    Also, I think any negative responses to an early disclosure of one's HIV status, from other people, is just an indicator of how ignorant, uninformed, and closed-minded they are. I hope the HIV+ men that had this happen to them, even though they have been correct in their actions and treatment with others, don't take it to heart and just see it as another sign of incompatibility.
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    Jan 08, 2013 10:41 PM GMT
    rlynnc saidHey Jocks. I'm fairly new to the site, and I'm curious about other member's views on a topic.

    I've had HIV for just a year now, and it's still an adjustment and a learning phase for me. I'm aware that many online sites for gay men have an option to list if you are HIV+ or negative. Some people don't feel comfortable using that feature and I understand why. My question is about how soon do you expect someone who has HIV to disclose that fact when getting to know each other. Or for those who have HIV, what guidelines do you use for when to tell someone.

    I have begun to just bring it up as soon as any guy shows more then a friendly interest. I've had more negative responses from guys then not, but I'd rather not lead someone on.


    I think that just as your sexuality doesn't define who you are. A virus shouldn't do it either.
    So I think you're doing it right, disclosing it when asked or when the other person shows other type of interest.
    Thank you for your honesty man.
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    Jan 10, 2013 12:44 PM GMT
    Honesty is always the best policy, plus if disclosing scares people away, it will save you wasted moments with people that we're going to fade away.
    If ou are on a dating site or a cruising site, adding a + or whatever will certainly keep a lot of people away, which will save you a lot of wasted effort. I just don't see any shame associated with being positive, it's a disease, like any disease. My sense with any life threatening disease is that it reminds everyone that we all have a limited amount of time on this planet, which is a hard thing for most people to deal with. It is much easier for people to just pretend they are young and frivolous, and HIV reminds people that there is a ticking clock for everyone.
  • jim_sf

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    Jan 23, 2013 4:25 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidIt's a maturity filter.


    I am stealing this phrase because it is awesome.
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    Jan 23, 2013 4:33 AM GMT
    rlynnc said
    great_scott saidI think they should just be honest from the start. I would definitely expect to be told before anything physical happens (even kissing).



    That's the kind of input I'm looking for. Even though kissing is a safe contact, it's good to know that is a line for some guys.



    I know of a couple really young guys that contracted Hiv recently. They are the really sweet, polite type that would consider it politically incorrect to ask so I think it's your responsibility to disclose up front.
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    Jan 23, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    just to be contrarian:


    i recognize this is the HIV forum, so it's specialized...but...WHY is it that people put the onus of disclosure for this one virus only on the other party. i ask, because it's treated with a degree of exceptionalism that is notable in a world where otherwise people are more aware of the concept of "let the buyer beware".... which is not to say that people should not disclose, but let me ask this:

    if you are asking so you can bareback, what if the other party honestly believes themselves to be negative? what is your recourse if they are wrong? if you are counting on a disclosure chat to protect you, all of the good-faith declarations of the other party won't influence the behavior of any virus. and if you aren't going to be engaging in risky behavior, how is the disclosure relevant? a funny thing about HIPPA, is that it means you're not entitled to know anyone's healthcare data....you can date someone...have the monogamy talk, be faithful, wait until after the tests are back....and unless you were in the room or they have legally allowed you to get the results direct from a clinician, you are taking their word..... which means...if they lie, you may be entitled to legal recourse, but you can't undo your actions. ...they could be so far in denial, they don't even recognize they are lying.....it won't undo anything you do with them. "caveat emptor" ... which also means that all of the "faithful" couples who like to lecture may be making smart decisions, but there's also a measure of luck they are often not accounting for.... they have been lucky to trust the right person at the right time SO FAR.....

    if you treat everyone like they are positive for everything, you don't need to have the conversation (although i would say you should)...and if you do...it's just a formality. it's only a big deal if you are young enough to imagine we live in a world where the human condition only applies to others.


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    Jan 23, 2013 4:04 PM GMT
    rlynnc saidHey Jocks. I'm fairly new to the site, and I'm curious about other member's views on a topic.

    I've had HIV for just a year now, and it's still an adjustment and a learning phase for me. I'm aware that many online sites for gay men have an option to list if you are HIV+ or negative. Some people don't feel comfortable using that feature and I understand why. My question is about how soon do you expect someone who has HIV to disclose that fact when getting to know each other. Or for those who have HIV, what guidelines do you use for when to tell someone.

    I have begun to just bring it up as soon as any guy shows more then a friendly interest. I've had more negative responses from guys then not, but I'd rather not lead someone on.
    Thanks for your topic rlynnc
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    Jan 23, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    Id want to know sooner than later, i dont want to find out when the clothes are off, its only fair as far as relationships are concerned, it wont stop a friendship by any means, but ima rethink everything if ima still roll towards relationship. Id say jus post it in ur staus and b open about it. Thats what id do, i put my age, sure some are haters, but most dont care, to me transperancy about issues u have no control over is best, age is not the same i know, but its something that elicits a reaction from some ppl. im actually reassured by the fact somebody respects me enough to tell me early on about stuff like that, the sooner i found out the better their chances w/ me. I wouldnt dump a pre-existing friend if they caught it. I dont think it should be as big a deal as it is, jus let ppl know then nobody got time wasted, if there not n2 it then it saved u time to spend w/ somebody that doesnt have a problem
  • Apparition

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    Mar 04, 2013 7:41 PM GMT
    This is my fairy tale endgame for any boy. LTR for about a year, be monogamous, get tested (again) be monogamous, never worry about anything being unsafe ever again. That I did for 12 years. I want to do that again (forever this time).

    With that goal in mind....

    I want to see disclosure on the website i met you on if that is how we do.

    I am very straight forward about this chat happening on minute one, in all my profiles. First date is the deal breaker interview, and its going to be a couple hours long probably, and technical. I disclose everything i know, you disclose everything you know. I want your whole sexual history (plus thats hot). I want to know how you treat your exes and how they treat you. Drug use, violence, education, family, everything.

    Im paranoid about so many things that I know I cant handle, this is just to save YOU from ME being a sad little boy afraid of his own shadow. I will admit to that freely. I know it sucks and Im kind of pathetic, but I need to be comfortable in a relationship and its just easier if it's scheduled paranoia than a month of it.




  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Mar 05, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    If there's any indication it's going somewhere. ASAP if its a hookup, first or second date if its going to develop.
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    Mar 05, 2013 5:43 PM GMT
    I'd say definitely disclose being positive before getting intimate. If its a casual date to get to know someone, I don't think there is any reason to bring it up at that point. Maybe on the second, third, or fourth date if it looks like a LTR is a possibility.