I can't take this anymore. I really can't.

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    Jan 21, 2013 12:59 AM GMT
    mybud saidYou're vice president and want to be president for a fraternity that promotes hate and negativity on being gay..When they continue with such comments they're actually talking about you...Grow some nuts and confront the situation..If you can't..don't post on here and bitch about it...


    This pretty much sums it up. You wanta' be a leader? Then, LEAD. This is a great opportunity for you to grow up, have leadership skills, help others, and help yourself, all while fostering understanding.

    When you grow older, hopefully, you'll learn about being selfless, and leading for the less fortunate. That ability to have compassion, and to work actively for change is something that is a good thing, which you don't seem to have just yet, but, that self centered view is typical for your age. Believe it, or not, The World is NOT all about you. This is a chance for you to change folks, in a positive way, rather than being miserable, dishonest, low esteem, etc.

    Learn to like yourself. Learn to be selfless. Learn to TRULY lead. The rest will follow.

    Life isn't about doing easy things, but, about walking into, through, above, and beyond our challenges.

    You wanna' be a leader? Act like it. Is leadership always easy, or popular? Of course not.
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    Jan 21, 2013 1:05 AM GMT
    Steve60610 said
    mybud saidYou're vice president and want to be president for a fraternity that promotes hate and negativity on being gay..When they continue with such comments they're actually talking about you...Grow some nuts and confront the situation..If you can't..don't post on here and bitch about it...


    What kind of a comment is that? You are an ass. A real piece of work! He's coming here for support and advice. If you don't have anything constructive to say, why post anything at all?

    To the OP: Feel free to message/email any one of us offering support, we will listen and offer advice.


    If you coddle a weak part, it only grows weaker. There is a difference between compassion, empathy, and being an enabler to inaction / the wrong path.

    If I strain a muscle, I don't coddle it. I rehab it. It may hurt along the way, but, it ends up stronger than before (scar tissue is stronger than muscle, so, that's actually true.)

    This guys wants all the titles, but, doesn't want to lead. He chooses to be miserable. Ok. If that's what he chooses. He gets to decide.
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    Jan 21, 2013 1:10 AM GMT
    Maybe it isn't just them that is the problem.

    Maybe some insecurities you have are showing through. I don't even think fag is something that means gay any more, so when something is faggy, I say it is faggy.

    I also put dick all around my mouth and ass hole, maybe that is faggy, but I just think it is gay.

    My fraternity is like that but they are so homo-erotic that it is just as easy to come up with some witty retort, at least for me. Everyone has their own struggles and strengths in life, and you just need to find yours. Sometimes it takes help or just happens, but often it takes work.

    Speak up brah!
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    Jan 21, 2013 1:12 AM GMT
    That does not sound like a fraternity at all... no sense of brotherhood at all. I am sorry but NO. I would leave and find one that is 100% true to the real meaning of a fraternity.
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    Jan 21, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    It's a fraternity. They're supposed to be your brothers.
    But if you never bring up the things that bother you, they'll never know.

    If they're your brothers they'll want you to feel like you belong. If they don't want to change, then either you can quit or you can hang around and make things equally uncomfortable for them.

    chuckystud saidIf you coddle a weak part, it only grows weaker. There is a difference between compassion, empathy, and being an enabler to inaction / the wrong path.

    If I strain a muscle, I don't coddle it. I rehab it. It may hurt along the way, but, it ends up stronger than before (scar tissue is stronger than muscle, so, that's actually true.)

    I do that when I'm grocery shopping. I check the eggs by throwing them on the ground. I only want the strong eggs that don't crack.
    Weak eggs make for a bad meal.

    By the way, I should go shopping for some crystal glasses.
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    Jan 21, 2013 1:26 AM GMT
    The fact that they want you to be president would seem to indicate they respect you. If that's the case you could always address it, "Look guys, if you want me to be the president you have to understand, I am gay. I had no more choice in that than you did for being straight. Now if you can deal with that, I'll be your president and strive to be the best."

    If they go along with it you will know your fears were ill-founded. If not, then you have your answer and need to reassociate yourself with people who will value you.

    But, if you do get to be president. . . years ago, a friend of mine who was born blind was elected president of his fraternity. He ran the ceremony that inducted the rushees to being pledges and the pledges to become members. He inducted the first black member in the fraternity's history. When he was asked how he could have done such a thing he replied, "Hey, to me everyone's black."

    As president you could make a difference.

    Best of luck with it.
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    Jan 21, 2013 1:33 AM GMT
    Hi TheOmegaMan:

    When I was in college 25 years ago, I endured homophobic harassment from my roommates and confronted not just them, but the residential administration that I felt was not being supportive enough of my situation. Although I believe that the social environment today is generally more gay-friendly than it was back then, your situation proves that some old habits and belief systems take longer to change.

    Much of the behavior from the frat brothers that you described represent the typical heterosexist ("straight" people are superior) and male-chauvinistic (men are "superior") perspective of masculinity which emphasizes male dominance over women and other men. This also illustrates a perfect example of men trying to maintain their "male privilege" (as the term implies, the advantages that society has granted to men just because they are men) which our culture has bestowed to them for many centuries. Our society's views on sexuality and gender roles are shifting but obviously you will find men (including some gay men) who try to stick to the centuries-old view of masculinity.

    Unlike other RJ members who have replied to this thread, I am NOT going to tell you what you "should" do. I would rather pose you questions to think about so you can make decisions that best fit your needs and situation. I am not in your shoes and I think you are smart enough to make the choices that are likely to give you the results you want. My questions are the following:

    1) What do you think is keeping you in that fraternity so far despite your feelings of discomfort?
    2) What benefits are you getting from this fraternity that you think may be helping you grow and develop as a person?
    3) How much influence do you think you have in the operations and social interactions of the fraternity? How do you think you can use it to address your concerns?
    4) What are the pros and cons of remaining in your fraternity for you? Which of the two you think may weigh more heavily in your future decisions?
    5) How do you feel about having an open meeting with your fraternity to discuss your concerns? Do you have a plan in case things get worse for you?

    I hope these questions help you make well-thought decisions. I agree with other RJ members that you were VERY COURAGEOUS in "coming out" to them. However, "coming out" is a process, not a destination. Sounds like even though your frat brothers know about your sexuality, they are still in denial about embracing your whole personhood. It is up to you to decide if this is acceptable to you or not. However from what I read in your introduction it seems like this has become intolerable to you. Sooner of later, you will have to make certain decisions about this situation because not addressing it will further affect your physical, emotional and spiritual health.

    From my own experience many years ago, being ASSERTIVE (rather than aggressive) about your needs is one of the most empowering things you can do. If you tell your frat brothers how you feel, why, what do you want, and why, you will begin the process of effective communication that is more likely to lead to the changes that you wish to see. Moreover, if you decide to have this talk with them, you can tell them that you are willing to answer their questions and concerns, as long as this is done in an environment of mutual respect, fairness and equality. Furthermore, if you want to be treated as an equal, you are within your right to tell your frat brothers that it is NOT OKAY for them to say that you cannot talk about your relationships or bring a date around if the rest of the members are permitted to do both. On a optimistic side, you can ask your frat brothers why they have allowed you to continue be the Vice President instead of expelling you when they found out you are gay. Why do some of them even want you to be President? What qualities do they see in you? Chances are they see strenghts in you that you need to hear them mention. It is also possible that some of them may be becoming more accepting even perhaps secretly admiring you. This dialogue could become a more constructive and hopeful way of promoting change.

    Like other RJ members stated, if you need more support feel free to e-mail me. I apologize for my wordiness but your situation brought back some memories from my younger years. I hope this information helps you. Stay strong, healthy and remember that you are NOT alone.

    Rubrod64