Understanding My Sexual Self

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    Feb 07, 2013 11:55 PM GMT
    I gotta take a mment to be honest. No inhibition. No sense of being judged by others.

    I dont know if I can separate sex from emotions. Its so complicated to explain. I admit that I am a man, one with a pretty active libido. I play with myself very regularly and will continue until I cum. And some days, it can happen very quickly as I watch certain porn. Theres no self awareness at that moment because I know Im alone. Nobody is watching. No one is there to ask me if Im close to cumming. Because as soon as that happens, I panic inside. I have not been able to cum amid my hook ups. I know guys will say cumming doesnt matter ultimately, but as someone who is more intimacy-minded, at some point it should happen. Becuase if its long term and I cant cum, he will question whether I actually like him or not. But i know if I do like him or not. Otherwise i woldnt be having sex with him...right?

    This brings me to another point. I seem to lack a "filter". If a guy goes in to begin kissing me, I will usually let him unless he really turns me off. Even if Im not that into him, if he does it, I cant seem to say no to it. But if it keeps going, and progresses to sex, it gets nerve wrecking. I want the sex. Because I get horny. Hes there, and its likely to his benefit to have sex because it makes him feel good too. But when I have sex, as opposed to being alone and jerkng off, everything feels different. I cant lose myself in the moment in sex like I can when I jerk off.

    What can I do? Alcohol seems like the wrong answer. I dont need it if im alone. So i shouldnt need it any other time. Unless it uninhibits me. But i already feels inhibited from beng horny. I dunno. Its hard to explain.
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    Feb 08, 2013 12:40 AM GMT
    So let me make sure I get this right. You want to both ejaculate and lose yourself/enjoy "the moment" during sex?

    To me, this sounds like a stage fright issue. For those who are insecure about their bodies or have anxiety during sex, impotence and being unable to ejaculate is a very, very common occurrence. Actually, I would say that most men run into this at least at some point in their lives.

    No, alcohol/drugs or anything external is not the answer to your problem. This is an internal struggle. Now, what you are worried about during sex is for you to answer. From there you can work on those specific issues that you have identified.

    For example: What about being with other men makes you nervous and prevents you from enjoying yourself?

    Remember, you are part of the interaction. You too need to be pleased. One can be submissive physically, but not necessarily emotionally.
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    Feb 08, 2013 2:10 AM GMT
    I can get hung up on body image. Even though I know I shouldnt. I did watch recently the Adonis Project and it made a really good point about how a lot of what we learn in terms of our sexuality comes from porn. I did watch a good amount of porn. And yeah...that kinda exposure to those bodies and men makes an impression of whats otherwise a pretty invisible scene in my everyday life. I dont live in a huge city with a booming gay scene. Its a college town.

    Then still, Ive hooked up with men who did have more meat on their bones. So then I felt less conscious about my own body. And actually, this is a unique part of our sexuality different from heterosexuality. A man and woman sleeping together cant really compare each others bodies. Its apples to oranges. But two men can. One man could objectively be seen as hotter than the other very acutely because its apples to apples. I think i deserve sex and that i should be considered decent enough looking to have it. But im just involuntarily blocked. I want to so badly but i cant stop thinking about it and cant get over it.

    But im a nervous guy in general. Im in conducting class this term for music. I have to get up on the podium when my turn comes. I know that if I suck, no one is really going to care much. But im still fidgeting, still stiff and wont relax no matter how much i want myself to. Its beyond just increased concentration during a trial, its going overboard and inhibiting my ability to do things.
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    Feb 09, 2013 4:37 AM GMT
    Iono. I gotta agree with trm_dallas here. Sounds like an internal struggle... i'd suggest looking into increasing your self-esteem (e.g., read up on a few Psych books like Nathaniel Branden?).

    As for your argument about men and women do not compare themselves to each other, they still do. There's a reason why ripped guys don't go after fat chicks (and vice versa).

    Yeah, best solution here is from within and strengthen your inner being.