What have you learned from past relationships?

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    Feb 12, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    MikeW said
    theantijock saidMy first 10-year guy was a few years older than me. My second 10-year guy was nearly 10 years older than me. I buried both.

    I learned to go after someone younger than me. I'm told they'll last longer.

    Doesn't always work. My first partner was only 3 years older but I'm now 12 years older than he was when he died. My last partner was 10 years younger than I and he died over two years ago. Just sayn' none of us know how much time we have.

    As for lessons learned: It is possible for two men to be totally in love with one another and be totally wrong for one another. Beyond drama lies tragedy. But even so, it was worth it and I'd probably do it again.


    Ya, I was just sort of kidding. Sometimes I think I'd like another relationship, but then I think if the guy dies first, I don't know if I could take that. Ya get ten years of loving someone and then 20 years of mourning them. That doesn't seem very fair. And I can't let go of that shit. It wears on me. I just miss them.

    As to finding value even where there is tragedy, I happened into very good relationships with my bestest buds, though apparently they didn't love me enough because both died stupidly. They obviously weren't very concerned with how that would leave me. And I'm a little pissed at them for that. More sad for them, but a little pissed.

    So in my most intimate relationships, at least while they were alive, there was essentially no drama. My worst fight with my first bud was about him not washing the dog and my worst fight with my second bud was over a loud water sprinkler waking me up at 6 in the a.m. Otherwise, we connected really well.

    But I did allow for less then perfect close friendships including with abusive people and selfish people, people with all sorts of issues. Some of those did wind up tragically and damaged me, some so severely that I'm still working on repairing myself. And there was certainly drama systemic to those. But I didn't go into those relationships without my eyes open. Only it wasn't necessarily as Larkin said, that "If (you're with) someone who is deeply flawed, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why those flaws "fit" you" because what I thought going in was that I could assist these people. That I was strong enough and maybe even clever enough to help them.

    One friend I had threw away all her friendships during her life. Seriously had not one friend from childhood, not one from school, not one from work. No one. Well, she did have this one friend when I met her and I liked him but he disappeared while we were friends. She made up some bullshit story about that so I didn't make the connection at the time. But she also had some very good qualities. I knew she was a selfish bitch. I knew she had issues. But also we had some good times. But then within months of my mother dying, she completely fucked me over and threw me away like she'd done with all her other friends throughout her life. Why was I so surprised?

    At the time it hurt like hell. In retrospect she couldn't have acted any other way. That's who she was. Just a complete, absolute bitch. So why did I tend to that for so many years. Because of one of my flaws? I have many but I don't think so. I think I fell into a pattern of tending to my very needy father of my youth. I have very healthy relationships too but I did pattern some after a pattern which can be destructive if I'm not careful about it. But also it can be helpful. I don't look at it as a flaw.

    Sometimes what can be seen as a flaw can also be an asset. We can transmute these qualities about ourselves and incorporate them in productive ways. So that, for instance, the fear we have of society that kept us in a closet might also have honed our perceptions. Just as having very good qualities--wanting to help someone--can lead to very bad situations of getting involved in futility that turns destructive.

    Sometimes we are too quick to judge others just as we can be too quick to judge ourselves.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    That I should never hesitate to point out his mistakes before all the things add up and break the threshold of a relation!
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    Feb 12, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    Ammon saidI learned that even though he loved me very much, he can still end up marrying a girl to satisfy his parents.


    That hurts!...now he has to live with that mistake for the rest of his life.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1344

    Feb 12, 2013 4:37 PM GMT
    Ammon saidI learned that even though he loved me very much, he can still end up marrying a girl to satisfy his parents.


    A closed chapter in my life that I won't bother to revisit or re-edit ever again!! I have learned to avoid these type of men at all cost! because a guy like this is much like the bent branches of a Bonsai tree: they require high maintenance and a lot of training, and when you stop and let them branch out on their own, no sooner that they will go back to the original shape they were meant to be to keep growing!?

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    Feb 12, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    What have I learned? Good friendships can last for years but calling something a relationship can be like the kiss of death, because of different expectations. I took examples about why friendships work to build a successful relationship.
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    Feb 12, 2013 4:42 PM GMT
    I always try to look back and remember the good....but what I have learned is that a relationship should be equal in every way.
    It's difficult when it is pretty much one sided.
    I fell hard for someone who in his way loved me..but was never IN love with me.
    I fell so hard that I ignored and pushed asides signs that should have wacked me in the face.
    Ultimately I knew the relationship was doomed.
    I miss him every day of my life.
    But I also know that meeting him was not a mistake, just letting it go on for so long was.
    Lessons learned.
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    Feb 12, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    Don't have expectations. Expecatations lead to resentments. Rupaul taught me that.
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    Feb 12, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    I've learned that they need consistency...if they say one thing and promptly do another all the time move on and move quick...also I have dated one guy here that taught me there are people out there that love to do nothing but play with your head...game players should not be kicked to the curb...but left for dead on the side of the road.

    I guess it boils down to always do what you say try to have fun...when it becomes excessive work, move on.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 5262

    Feb 12, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    Make an effort to stay affable even when you're in a bad mood. Remember that your partner's bad mood may have nothing to do with you so don't jump to the defensive. Try to occasionally do more than 50% and don't feel smug when you do. If your partner does something nice, don't for any reason fail to acknowledge the effort. Secrets can be ok if they're minor. Don't make a big deal about minor things. Be quick to confess your own unfairness in an argument, even if you're still mad about something. Try to shrug off minor irritations. You don't have to talk out everything. Just chill. Remember your partner is trying to get through this life as best he can. It's is partly your job to help him, part your job to just cheer him on. Remember the dogs are totally dependent on you for their happiness, not just their needs. Same can't be said of your partner but it doesn't hurt to approach it that way. Keep unpleasantness in the bathroom private. Remember to read quietly sometimes. Remember to notice when you're very happy.
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    Feb 12, 2013 4:56 PM GMT
    wrestlervic saidTrust your instincts, trust your instincts, trust your instincts. icon_wink.gif


    +1
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    Feb 12, 2013 5:02 PM GMT
    Einhorn saidDon't have expectations. Expecatations lead to resentments. Rupaul taught me that.


    This one is a hard one for me... but so true... if only I had known then what I know now.
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    Feb 12, 2013 6:05 PM GMT
    NYBUFFED saidI always try to look back and remember the good....but what I have learned is that a relationship should be equal in every way.
    It's difficult when it is pretty much one sided.
    I fell hard for someone who in his way loved me..but was never IN love with me.
    I fell so hard that I ignored and pushed asides signs that should have wacked me in the face.
    Ultimately I knew the relationship was doomed.
    I miss him every day of my life.
    But I also know that meeting him was not a mistake, just letting it go on for so long was.
    Lessons learned.


    I think that's a tough call because I don't believe there's ever absolute equality in how people feel about each other, even when they say or like to think they're equally in love. Because of our individuality, one is going to like the other more or less, even if just at different times. And if you like someone a lot who likes you somewhat (you know, maybe not as much as you like them but they like you better than they might like anyone else, whatever), you might make yourself more miserable by denying yourself that inequality because something is more than nothing even when it isn't everything.

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    My first 10 year guy was a practicing bisexual so I knew going in that I wasn't enough for him. But he was plenty enough for me and we made that work. He still needed his chicks sometimes but he always came home. They didn't have a chance to get him for theirselves; I knew that. I know I was more taken by him than he was by me but he was a completely loyal guy and would never hurt me. Well, accept for that little aforementioned dying number he pulled on me. That sort of sucked.
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    Feb 12, 2013 6:31 PM GMT
    -Accept his faults, but not when those faults start negatively effecting your life.
    -Communicate more, silence can be worse then speaking your mind
    -Seriously consider what your friends think (they tend to be right)
    -Don't completely rely on his words, pay more attention to his actions
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    Feb 12, 2013 6:33 PM GMT
    Don't date a guy who has Peter Pan syndrome.....real life and real emotions are not fun and games all the time.
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    Feb 12, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    Cheesecake is worth waiting for if you're going to eat the whole thing. icon_neutral.gif
  • LEANDRO_NJ

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    Feb 12, 2013 6:56 PM GMT
    [quote] the antijock said:

    My first 10 year guy was a practicing bisexual so I knew going in that I wasn't enough for him. But he was plenty enough for me and we made that work. He still needed his chicks sometimes but he always came home. They didn't have a chance to get him for theirselves; I knew that. I know I was more taken by him than he was by me but he was a completely loyal guy and would never hurt me. Well, accept for that little aforementioned dying number he pulled on me. That sort of sucked.[/quote]

    My last relationship was also with a bisexual. We were very happy together, but even thou we were both sexually and emotionally comparable, and he remained loyal throughout the relationship with me, towards the end I felt he was already drifting away because of his "natural diverse sexual appetites" in my experience with bisexuals they tend to be very unaware/insensitive of their sexual partner's feelings but that of their own! in my humble opinion a relationship is a shared agreement bonded by mutual emotional and sexual needs from both sides, and not one to be used or be in it for one's own self gratification!! having said of all a bisexual can be as loyal and committed like anyone else, so as long as his current sexual partner is made fully aware ( from day 1) and succumbs to their bisexual partner's terms and needs!! as for me I refuse to be someone's third wheel!!
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    Feb 12, 2013 7:01 PM GMT
    what i've learned from past relationships is that love in even the briefest should be celebrated....that you cannot change anyone...ever.... and that letting others program you to live out their idea of your life is a waste of your life
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    Feb 12, 2013 7:11 PM GMT
    RadRTT saidSometimes letting go is the hardest thing you can do but is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

    You need to make sure you take care of yourself on top of your partner.

    Some Relationships are only meant to be temporary, and get you ready for when you commit to someone permanently.

    You will always love a person who you give your heart to...but it is a different type of love


    Wow... that's fairly profound for someone your age. icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 12, 2013 7:11 PM GMT
    Harry7785 said
    Ammon saidI learned that even though he loved me very much, he can still end up marrying a girl to satisfy his parents.


    That hurts!...now he has to live with that mistake for the rest of his life.



    Yeah, messed me up pretty good for years..
  • Ducky49

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    Feb 12, 2013 7:13 PM GMT
    What I won't put up with in my next one!
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    Feb 12, 2013 7:26 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ said
    Ammon saidI learned that even though he loved me very much, he can still end up marrying a girl to satisfy his parents.


    A closed chapter in my life that I won't bother to revisit or re-edit ever again!! I have learned to avoid these type of men at all cost! because a guy like this is much like the bent branches of a Bonsai tree: they require high maintenance and a lot of training, and when you stop and let them branch out on their own, no sooner that they will go back to the original shape they were meant to be to keep growing!?



    This was about 8 yrs ago, I wouldn't know how his life has shaped now, I only know he is still married and has a daughter.. About 3-4 yrs ago he did tell me through mail that he regrets it all and is unhappy.. But it was way too late to care.

    Sry you went through that as well, I can genuinely say, I feel you!
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    Feb 12, 2013 7:42 PM GMT
    I've learnt... that long distance relationships are not made to work...
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    Feb 12, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidMy last relationship was also with a bisexual. We were very happy together, but even tho we were both sexually and emotionally comparable, and he remained loyal throughout the relationship with me, towards the end I felt he was already drifting away because of his "natural diverse sexual appetites" in my experience with bisexuals they tend to be very unaware/insensitive of their sexual partner's feelings but that of their own! in my humble opinion a relationship is a shared agreement bonded by mutual emotional and sexual needs from both sides, and not one to be used or be in it for one's own self gratification!! having said of all a bisexual can be as loyal and committed like anyone else, so as long as his current sexual partner is made fully aware ( from day 1) and succumbs to their bisexual partner's terms and needs!! as for me I refuse to be someone's third wheel!!


    I didn't think of myself as my bud's third wheel, I thought we were sharing our lives with each other. I don't delude myself into thinking two people ever become one. He wasn't my better half; he was my best bud in the whole wide world. I had no issues with him picking up chicks while we were out boating, hell, we'd pick up people off the fucking seawall. It was fun. We were both party animals and both just out for a good time. And he came to the gay bars with me. He wasn't into the other guys but he loved to dance and tease them. I didn't like to dance but he'd tease them over my way for me to play with. We made a great team.

    He did like playing with the transentertainers so sometimes we'd bring them home with us too. You never knew who you'd wake up to in our bed. We had no jealousy issues. Sex had nothing to do with loyalty. We knew who we were. I'm not that crazy now, but then? Holy shit, that was fun!

    Yes of course there are guys who are only out for themselves but if you are looking at your relationship as succumbing to someone else's needs--and you do have to be careful of powerplays if the unbalance is totally out of wack-- while at the same time as being attracted to that person for the very energy they're putting out, then news flash, you've got some issues and possibly you are just kidding yourself.

    What you describe sounds like you get turned on by what you feel is beneathe your dignity. Careful, you could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of dissatisfaction & frustration. Such are the dynamics of our lives. Oh no, I thought life was going to be easier than this.
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    Feb 13, 2013 12:02 AM GMT
    Apparently nothing. I still fuck things up. icon_sad.gif
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    Feb 13, 2013 12:11 AM GMT
    Some men are not what they make themselves out to be.