Feb 12, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
MikeW saidtheantijock saidMy first 10-year guy was a few years older than me. My second 10-year guy was nearly 10 years older than me. I buried both.
I learned to go after someone younger than me. I'm told they'll last longer.
Doesn't always work. My first partner was only 3 years older but I'm now 12 years older than he was when he died. My last partner was 10 years younger than I and he died over two years ago. Just sayn' none of us know how much time we have.
As for lessons learned: It is possible for two men to be totally in love with one another and be totally wrong for one another. Beyond drama lies tragedy. But even so, it was worth it and I'd probably do it again.
Ya, I was just sort of kidding. Sometimes I think I'd like another relationship, but then I think if the guy dies first, I don't know if I could take that. Ya get ten years of loving someone and then 20 years of mourning them. That doesn't seem very fair. And I can't let go of that shit. It wears on me. I just miss them.
As to finding value even where there is tragedy, I happened into very good relationships with my bestest buds, though apparently they didn't love me enough because both died stupidly. They obviously weren't very concerned with how that would leave me. And I'm a little pissed at them for that. More sad for them, but a little pissed.
So in my most intimate relationships, at least while they were alive, there was essentially no drama. My worst fight with my first bud was about him not washing the dog and my worst fight with my second bud was over a loud water sprinkler waking me up at 6 in the a.m. Otherwise, we connected really well.
But I did allow for less then perfect close friendships including with abusive people and selfish people, people with all sorts of issues. Some of those did wind up tragically and damaged me, some so severely that I'm still working on repairing myself. And there was certainly drama systemic to those. But I didn't go into those relationships without my eyes open. Only it wasn't necessarily as Larkin said, that "If (you're with) someone who is deeply flawed, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why those flaws "fit" you" because what I thought going in was that I could assist these people. That I was strong enough and maybe even clever enough to help them.
One friend I had threw away all her friendships during her life. Seriously had not one friend from childhood, not one from school, not one from work. No one. Well, she did have this one friend when I met her and I liked him but he disappeared while we were friends. She made up some bullshit story about that so I didn't make the connection at the time. But she also had some very good qualities. I knew she was a selfish bitch. I knew she had issues. But also we had some good times. But then within months of my mother dying, she completely fucked me over and threw me away like she'd done with all her other friends throughout her life. Why was I so surprised?
At the time it hurt like hell. In retrospect she couldn't have acted any other way. That's who she was. Just a complete, absolute bitch. So why did I tend to that for so many years. Because of one of my flaws? I have many but I don't think so. I think I fell into a pattern of tending to my very needy father of my youth. I have very healthy relationships too but I did pattern some after a pattern which can be destructive if I'm not careful about it. But also it can be helpful. I don't look at it as a flaw.
Sometimes what can be seen as a flaw can also be an asset. We can transmute these qualities about ourselves and incorporate them in productive ways. So that, for instance, the fear we have of society that kept us in a closet might also have honed our perceptions. Just as having very good qualities--wanting to help someone--can lead to very bad situations of getting involved in futility that turns destructive.
Sometimes we are too quick to judge others just as we can be too quick to judge ourselves.